2009.
The biggest and longest twelve month roller coaster I have ever ridden on in my 28 years on this planet.
31st December 2008 I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was sat on my MIL's bed with the laptop funny enough on my lap, in the process of closing down my TTC blog which had been up and running for over a year. We had been living at the MIL's since August 2008 after our landlord kicked us out due to him and his partner being pregnant. As the OH had recently started his new business and I was temping, we stayed there while saving for a new flat and to give us a break.
We had earlier that month been told that despite not falling pregnant for over two years, the tests had shown nothing wrong with us fertility wise. We were labelled as having 'unexplained infertility'.
I made a promise to myself that night that I would forget all things babies and instead concentrate on living life as the 27 year old that I was instead of the 'I cant do that in case I'm pregnant' that I had spent so long doing.
January 2009 I dropped a dress size due to a new diet and I started taking the Iron Tablets and Folic Acid suggested by the Doctor in order to help our cause.
February I found out that my current temporary job with the local Council was coming to an end and I somehow managed for the first time since December 2007 to get myself a permanent job less then a week after posting my CV onto Monster. A week later we received news that we could move into the flat we liked. All we needed now was a BFP and it would make it three in a row.
March I was at my parents for the weekend due to my Brother bringing his new girlfriend home for the first time. Four days late on my AF and the night after drinking a bottle of JD, my Mum popped to Tesco's to buy some tests. I read the first test and threw it in the bin. A few moments later a little voice in my head questioned if Id read it correctly, so I retrieved it from the bin and there it was; a BPF. My initial reaction was to cry. Not only because it was such a shock but because it was real and I was so so scared! I kept the result to myself over dinner as I didn't want to take the moment away from my Brother. Once home I told the OH who's only reaction was 'Oh' and we hugged. My Mum called to ask what the result was and of course she became obsessed there and then.
May Bank Holiday Everything seemed to start to go down hill from this point. That day was my last day at work after they sacked me less then five weeks after telling them I was pregnant.
June 15th My waters broke to an infection at 19+5 and on the 17th at the 20 week scan we were told our baby would die.
July 2nd The umbilical cord prolapsed and Bobby was born on the 3rd at 5:48am weighing 460gs at 22+2 days.
Two out of the three things which normal people take for granted had gone within a matter of months.
Our Son was buried on the 14th July and that was it. It was over. I cant explain the feeling of knowing that you are a Mummy but there being no baby to look after. Even though your mind knows that the baby has gone and it will never come back, I will never forget the feeling of my body craving to love and nurture and it took a lot of effort both emotionally and physically to get past that stage.
I spent the next couple of months trying to find myself again and trying so hard to get to like the new me and of course trying to stop the guilt that my body had killed a perfectly formed human being.
Thankfully I also discovered new friends via the baby networking site I was already a member of while pregnant and at the same time I also realised just how loved I was by my existing friends. I know I will never be able to fully repay them for their continued support.
November Bobby's due day finally arrived. A day that was dreaded but in the end it wasn't as bad as the build up. One of which I will never forget due to the overwhelming feeling of peace I felt all around us. I took the day off of work and we spent it together as a family. There were lots of hugs, a visit to his grave and bizarrely a disagreement over which balloon to chose.
December finally arrived and again Christmas wasn't as bad as expected. It should have been the best Christmas ever but instead it was 'just' Christmas. A day of eating, talking and of course trying to work out who killed Archie Mitchell {Ben Mitchell} I shared my grief of losing Bobby with my Aunt who had only three weeks before lost her Mum to Cancer. In a strange way it was nice to have someone else there to share the sadness with.
31st December today. I somehow find myself in full circle.
I am again going into a new year without a baby but this time I am a Mummy.
I am again going into a new year in a temporary job but I'm ok with that because unlike some people in this world I have a job and it’s a job that I like.
We are still living in our little flat which is one more thing then we had last year.
The last AF of 2009 arrived yesterday but I am comfortable with that because I know that once it has finished, the start of our brand new TTC journey begins.
Goodbye to you 2009, the worst year of my life.
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Christmas 2009
It wasn't exactly the best Christmas I have ever had. We opened our presents, we ate good food, we watched rubbish TV and we lit a candle then we went home.
My best friend brought me a gorgeous Forrelli bag which was a complete surprise because although we 'do' presents we dont do 'those' kind of presents and never have done in the past ten years! It is gorgeous and it confirms even more what great friends I do have around me.
What would have made it the best Christmas ever, would have been having a seven week old baby boy bouncing away in his new bouncy chair; waving his arms around, mesmerised by all the lights from the tree, the flash from the camera and feeling sleepy from all the attention he is receiving from his family on his first ever Christmas Day.
Instead his first Christmas was spent alone in his grave while his parents were sat at my parent’s house, imagining what his first Christmas would have been like had things worked out as they should have.
My Aunt lost her Mum three weeks ago to Cancer. In a strange and probably selfish way, I was thankful to share my sorrow and was glad for the focus to be taken away from family whispering 'is she ok' 'how is she bearing up' 'has she cried yet'.
I logged onto the Internet this afternoon for the first time this weekend to find lots of proud families displaying photos of their little ones dressed in their little Christmas outfits. Bobby’s Santa outfit was packed away back in July and the only first Christmas pictures we got to take were of his new baubles hanging from the tree.
As usual I spent Christmas Eve running around getting the last of the presents and while out I bought my little boy a present despite the fact that he will never see it. It felt strangely nice to buy him something and if I'm honest, it helped to ease my conscious. As strange as it sounds, I am so so scared of forgetting Bobby and having his spirit feeling left out should I not think of him for just one day or not acknowledge him on a special holiday by not buying him something.
I bought him the Blue Nose Bear Beanie Reindeer ‘Bells’. As extremely sad as I understand this sounds, I have been taking this beanie to bed every night since buying it. I don’t know why.
Bobby received two presents from two friends. My best friend bought him a gorgeous mini blue candle which is decorated in a light blue velvet pattern. This now sits in-between ‘Bells’ legs on his shelf. He also got the Blue Nose Bear (she did not know I had brought Bells) Jingle.
What is it with Christmas TV and newborns? There I was happily watching the new drama ‘Britain’s Fattest Man’ last week and towards the end; his friend lost her baby at twenty eight weeks. I turn onto GMTV Christmas Eve and sitting there is the weather girl with her premature baby girl who was born three months early. Christmas Day; Eastenders Ronnie has a MC. I understand these may be great story lines but is there not a single woman working on the board who speaks out during the script writers meeting and says ‘actually lads, I don’t think it’s the best thing to be showing over Christmas of all times. Think of those who don’t want to be reminded on over Christmas of all times of the year’.
2010 is only five days away.
The closer it gets the more I am worried about what it holds.
We are supposedly going to start TTC in January and yet the fear of it taking us over two years to fall pregnant again like it did with Bobby grows stronger every day. A friend and a cousin are due next year; how many other BPF’s from friends and family are there going to be before we get our own? What if we are lucky enough to fall straight away but it ends up being due on the same month or even worse, the same day as what Bobby should have been born? I so so wish our first proper family Christmas to be in 2010 and yet in order to achieve this, we must be pregnant by February which is only two months away.
I need to stop ranting now because if I don't I never will. I would simple like to lead a normal life like everyone else please.
My best friend brought me a gorgeous Forrelli bag which was a complete surprise because although we 'do' presents we dont do 'those' kind of presents and never have done in the past ten years! It is gorgeous and it confirms even more what great friends I do have around me. What would have made it the best Christmas ever, would have been having a seven week old baby boy bouncing away in his new bouncy chair; waving his arms around, mesmerised by all the lights from the tree, the flash from the camera and feeling sleepy from all the attention he is receiving from his family on his first ever Christmas Day.
My Aunt lost her Mum three weeks ago to Cancer. In a strange and probably selfish way, I was thankful to share my sorrow and was glad for the focus to be taken away from family whispering 'is she ok' 'how is she bearing up' 'has she cried yet'.
As usual I spent Christmas Eve running around getting the last of the presents and while out I bought my little boy a present despite the fact that he will never see it. It felt strangely nice to buy him something and if I'm honest, it helped to ease my conscious. As strange as it sounds, I am so so scared of forgetting Bobby and having his spirit feeling left out should I not think of him for just one day or not acknowledge him on a special holiday by not buying him something.
I bought him the Blue Nose Bear Beanie Reindeer ‘Bells’. As extremely sad as I understand this sounds, I have been taking this beanie to bed every night since buying it. I don’t know why.
What is it with Christmas TV and newborns? There I was happily watching the new drama ‘Britain’s Fattest Man’ last week and towards the end; his friend lost her baby at twenty eight weeks. I turn onto GMTV Christmas Eve and sitting there is the weather girl with her premature baby girl who was born three months early. Christmas Day; Eastenders Ronnie has a MC. I understand these may be great story lines but is there not a single woman working on the board who speaks out during the script writers meeting and says ‘actually lads, I don’t think it’s the best thing to be showing over Christmas of all times. Think of those who don’t want to be reminded on over Christmas of all times of the year’.
2010 is only five days away.
The closer it gets the more I am worried about what it holds.
We are supposedly going to start TTC in January and yet the fear of it taking us over two years to fall pregnant again like it did with Bobby grows stronger every day. A friend and a cousin are due next year; how many other BPF’s from friends and family are there going to be before we get our own? What if we are lucky enough to fall straight away but it ends up being due on the same month or even worse, the same day as what Bobby should have been born? I so so wish our first proper family Christmas to be in 2010 and yet in order to achieve this, we must be pregnant by February which is only two months away.
I need to stop ranting now because if I don't I never will. I would simple like to lead a normal life like everyone else please.
Sunday, 20 December 2009
A Time for Reflection
These past couple of weeks I have felt unable to put my true feelings out there even though there has been so much I needed to say, so many things I needed to get off of my chest and out of my head but now, having listened to my friends concerns about my coping, understanding them and having had the opportunity to explain my actions over the past six months and reassure them that I am ok and that I am not having a breakdown; I am finally now comfortable to get back to how I was before. Within my safe little bubble.
These past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to the fact that even though people say that they understand, only those who have given birth to a sleeping baby truly do and truly can.
It doesn't mean that because I have kept myself to myself or made new friends that I have or will ever forget my old friends or that I ever want to. I have changed as a person; not just in mind but also body shape, actions, thoughts, worries and emotions. I thank Bobby for that because in some ways I feel he has changed me for the better. He has made me grow as a person and he has made me realise what matters in life and most importantly; who and what doesn't.
This time next week Christmas will be coming to an end. As with all things this year there has been such a build up and yet when it comes down to it, it really wasn't isn't/wasn't as bad as first anticipated.
I am starting to feel a lot more positive about Christmas and the whole energy and reasoning behind it. Its a time in which you spend as a family and even if your family are not here in person, in no way does it mean they are not here with you in spirit. Christmas is not about how many presents you receive or how much money you have spent, nor is it about how big your turkey is.
It’s at this time of year that you look back over the past 12 months; remembering the good but most of all remembering the bad. Why do we do this? Why is it so easy to get caught up in remembering the crap and yet we find it hard to remember the good pointers and most of all, see the good which we have learnt from these crap times.
Why do we as people not give ourselves the credit we deserve.
My parents came to visit last weekend. We visited Bobby's grave and we placed his little bits and pieces on top. We then went to our local shopping centre and once back home I cooked a lovely Sunday roast and off back down to the coast they went.
While we were standing over his grave, a huge worm dug its way into the dirt which still covers his grave and for a split second a post previously written by a friend on the same subject entered my head and got me through the horrible thought of where the worm was heading.
This moment opened my eyes to the fact that yes Bobby is ours in spirit but if the truth be told; his body belongs to the earth and it forever will be just how ours will be one day too.
It was my Christmas Work Do on Friday. Looking back I had the best night I’ve had all year. Afterwards, the OH, his friends, one of my friends and I went out to an opening of a club. We danced nonstop from 11pm until 3am and a few times during the night I stood still in the middle of the dance floor, looked around at everyone having a good time and for a split second I felt 'normal'. I felt on the same wave length as everyone else. Before this point, I had truly forgotten what it was like to be the old me.
I had a tarot card reading earlier this week and it has given me so much comfort.
I have a nice feeling about 2010.
I feel positive that we will get our happy-ever-after.
These past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to the fact that even though people say that they understand, only those who have given birth to a sleeping baby truly do and truly can.
It doesn't mean that because I have kept myself to myself or made new friends that I have or will ever forget my old friends or that I ever want to. I have changed as a person; not just in mind but also body shape, actions, thoughts, worries and emotions. I thank Bobby for that because in some ways I feel he has changed me for the better. He has made me grow as a person and he has made me realise what matters in life and most importantly; who and what doesn't.
This time next week Christmas will be coming to an end. As with all things this year there has been such a build up and yet when it comes down to it, it really wasn't isn't/wasn't as bad as first anticipated.
I am starting to feel a lot more positive about Christmas and the whole energy and reasoning behind it. Its a time in which you spend as a family and even if your family are not here in person, in no way does it mean they are not here with you in spirit. Christmas is not about how many presents you receive or how much money you have spent, nor is it about how big your turkey is.
It’s at this time of year that you look back over the past 12 months; remembering the good but most of all remembering the bad. Why do we do this? Why is it so easy to get caught up in remembering the crap and yet we find it hard to remember the good pointers and most of all, see the good which we have learnt from these crap times.
Why do we as people not give ourselves the credit we deserve.
My parents came to visit last weekend. We visited Bobby's grave and we placed his little bits and pieces on top. We then went to our local shopping centre and once back home I cooked a lovely Sunday roast and off back down to the coast they went.
While we were standing over his grave, a huge worm dug its way into the dirt which still covers his grave and for a split second a post previously written by a friend on the same subject entered my head and got me through the horrible thought of where the worm was heading.
This moment opened my eyes to the fact that yes Bobby is ours in spirit but if the truth be told; his body belongs to the earth and it forever will be just how ours will be one day too.
It was my Christmas Work Do on Friday. Looking back I had the best night I’ve had all year. Afterwards, the OH, his friends, one of my friends and I went out to an opening of a club. We danced nonstop from 11pm until 3am and a few times during the night I stood still in the middle of the dance floor, looked around at everyone having a good time and for a split second I felt 'normal'. I felt on the same wave length as everyone else. Before this point, I had truly forgotten what it was like to be the old me.
I had a tarot card reading earlier this week and it has given me so much comfort.
I have a nice feeling about 2010.
I feel positive that we will get our happy-ever-after.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Christmas Shopping for an Angel
It is five months to the day that my baby was born asleep.
I can’t believe it’s been that long and yet at the same time, all I have to do is close my eyes and I am back in that room like it was yesterday.
I went Christmas shopping for him today. I know that those who haven't lost will now be thinking 'why the hell are you Christmas shopping for someone who is not alive' but to me it’s still his First Christmas and he may not be around but I can not forget him. He is on my mind twenty four seven.
I have bought him two little mini snow globes which you can hang from the Christmas tree and as we are spending this year with my parents, they shall hang from their tree. My parents are coming down in a couple of weekend’s time as they want to visit his grave and my Mum has bought him a lovely clear bauble with a tree inside of it. This will be put onto his grave on a special stand my Dad is putting together and it will then be wrapped away for the following years to come.
I also bought Bobby a large 'My first Christmas 2009' bauble which is in a presentation box. I have decided this will stay in its box and will be placed into his Memory Box to be kept forever. It’s too special to be opened at the moment.
I have also bought him a first Christmas card.
I have a very strong will to keep everything which reminds me of him - I take photos of everything I buy or receive as a gift and place it into his Memory Album - so this shall be written in but will then be placed into its envelope and again placed into his box. It’s far too special to be left on his grave to get wet.
I would like to start a collection of something to buy on every one of his special days; six month anniversary, his yearly Angelversary, Wave of Light, Christmas etc etc and I have been racking my brain as to what to collect until I remembered something I was given back in September.
My Cousin bought Bobby a large 'Blue Nose Bear' to put onto his grave shortly after he died of which has been sitting in our bedroom ever since because I can not bring myself to let it get dirty in the mud. The Christmas Bauble and his card are the 'Blue Nose Bear' so from this day forward my Son shall have a collection of these.
Its the least I can get him.
I can’t believe it’s been that long and yet at the same time, all I have to do is close my eyes and I am back in that room like it was yesterday.
I went Christmas shopping for him today. I know that those who haven't lost will now be thinking 'why the hell are you Christmas shopping for someone who is not alive' but to me it’s still his First Christmas and he may not be around but I can not forget him. He is on my mind twenty four seven.
I have bought him two little mini snow globes which you can hang from the Christmas tree and as we are spending this year with my parents, they shall hang from their tree. My parents are coming down in a couple of weekend’s time as they want to visit his grave and my Mum has bought him a lovely clear bauble with a tree inside of it. This will be put onto his grave on a special stand my Dad is putting together and it will then be wrapped away for the following years to come.
I also bought Bobby a large 'My first Christmas 2009' bauble which is in a presentation box. I have decided this will stay in its box and will be placed into his Memory Box to be kept forever. It’s too special to be opened at the moment.
I have also bought him a first Christmas card.
I have a very strong will to keep everything which reminds me of him - I take photos of everything I buy or receive as a gift and place it into his Memory Album - so this shall be written in but will then be placed into its envelope and again placed into his box. It’s far too special to be left on his grave to get wet.
I would like to start a collection of something to buy on every one of his special days; six month anniversary, his yearly Angelversary, Wave of Light, Christmas etc etc and I have been racking my brain as to what to collect until I remembered something I was given back in September.
My Cousin bought Bobby a large 'Blue Nose Bear' to put onto his grave shortly after he died of which has been sitting in our bedroom ever since because I can not bring myself to let it get dirty in the mud. The Christmas Bauble and his card are the 'Blue Nose Bear' so from this day forward my Son shall have a collection of these.
Its the least I can get him.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Tears of a Clown
I have just spent the past hour crying.
My head is banging, my cheeks are boiling, my eyes are swollen and my chest is as tight as hell. I cried all the way through my dinner and even impressed myself by managing to eat it all; snot included. I wouldn't however, recommend trying to swallow chips while your throat is contracting through a cry as it is quite painful.
I knew this huge episode was coming as it has been building up inside of me for a good week now. I’ve been managing to get away with the odd little tear rolling out every odd day here and there but now despite feeling and looking like I have been in the boxing ring, I'm glad its been and gone.
The crying initially started while sitting here on my own this evening in front of this computer screen trying to find the correct wording to a note I was in the process of sending to a group of friends. This group of friends in particular are my school friends who I meet up with twice a year because we live in different parts of the country but we always meet at Christmas.
It was planned that we meet this Saturday coming but I have thought about nothing else for a good while now and have decided for the first time not to go. This note was to explain my reasons to them.
I love these ladies dearly as we have all been friends since we were 10 years old but despite this, I found myself masking my reasons for not going. I wanted to tell them it’s because my heart is broken but I cant.
Now that December has finally arrived I have woken up to the fact that I can not bring myself to pretend to be excited that Christmas is around the corner. I can’t be bothered to dress myself up to 'party'. I am scared of drinking alcohol because I know that it will inevitably bring me to tears. I'm tired of pretending that all is OK and that I am this strong person everyone tells me I am.
I'm not strong. I have instead through my loss learnt to become a bloody good actress.
Santa, if your reading; forget the books, CD's, make up or jewellery. I would simply like my baby here for Christmas please.
My head is banging, my cheeks are boiling, my eyes are swollen and my chest is as tight as hell. I cried all the way through my dinner and even impressed myself by managing to eat it all; snot included. I wouldn't however, recommend trying to swallow chips while your throat is contracting through a cry as it is quite painful.
I knew this huge episode was coming as it has been building up inside of me for a good week now. I’ve been managing to get away with the odd little tear rolling out every odd day here and there but now despite feeling and looking like I have been in the boxing ring, I'm glad its been and gone.
The crying initially started while sitting here on my own this evening in front of this computer screen trying to find the correct wording to a note I was in the process of sending to a group of friends. This group of friends in particular are my school friends who I meet up with twice a year because we live in different parts of the country but we always meet at Christmas.
It was planned that we meet this Saturday coming but I have thought about nothing else for a good while now and have decided for the first time not to go. This note was to explain my reasons to them.
I love these ladies dearly as we have all been friends since we were 10 years old but despite this, I found myself masking my reasons for not going. I wanted to tell them it’s because my heart is broken but I cant.
Now that December has finally arrived I have woken up to the fact that I can not bring myself to pretend to be excited that Christmas is around the corner. I can’t be bothered to dress myself up to 'party'. I am scared of drinking alcohol because I know that it will inevitably bring me to tears. I'm tired of pretending that all is OK and that I am this strong person everyone tells me I am.
I'm not strong. I have instead through my loss learnt to become a bloody good actress.
Santa, if your reading; forget the books, CD's, make up or jewellery. I would simply like my baby here for Christmas please.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Infection Free!
For the first time in four months my results have come back as clear. I am finally infection free. I'm glad. Hopefully when I get home and tell my OH it will be enough for him want to start BD again lol.
This week has been a long and emotionally tiring week for many reasons of which are too long to go into. I’ve been wanting to cry all week but the tears just won’t flow freely. When this happens I feel full to the brim like if I don't spring a leak somewhere, I will burst at an inappropriate time.
While sitting on the bus on the way home from work last night my eyes started welling up with tears because out of the blue, an image of a little baby boy appeared to me in a vision.
He was on his back, his arms flapping around. He was gurgling and he was looking straight at me. He had dark eyes and the most beautiful big lips. It took some effort not to start crying there and then and I had no choice but to push the image out of my mind. It feels like a sign.
The OH and I are going out tomorrow night for the first time this year. A friend of his girlfriend is having her birthday at a club but I really don't want to go. Not only do I have nothing to wear as I have outgrown my clothes but I really don't like the woman.
Tomorrow night will be the first time we have seen her and her friends since Bobby died and I still can not forget that she can not be trusted from past experience or that we received no card, no phone call, not even a text to say 'sorry'. I know there will be lots of questions she and her friends will ask. I know I will hear the usual 'at least you now know you can have kids' because the last time we all went out we were 2 years into TTC and I was asked lots of questions then. 'Why has it taken so long?'' What’s wrong with you?' 'Is OH not up to it? *giggle*' blah blah blah.
I would much rather stay at home in my PJ's, surfing the net, eating takeaway, go to bed, fall asleep in a snuggle with my man.
This week has been a long and emotionally tiring week for many reasons of which are too long to go into. I’ve been wanting to cry all week but the tears just won’t flow freely. When this happens I feel full to the brim like if I don't spring a leak somewhere, I will burst at an inappropriate time.
While sitting on the bus on the way home from work last night my eyes started welling up with tears because out of the blue, an image of a little baby boy appeared to me in a vision.
He was on his back, his arms flapping around. He was gurgling and he was looking straight at me. He had dark eyes and the most beautiful big lips. It took some effort not to start crying there and then and I had no choice but to push the image out of my mind. It feels like a sign.
The OH and I are going out tomorrow night for the first time this year. A friend of his girlfriend is having her birthday at a club but I really don't want to go. Not only do I have nothing to wear as I have outgrown my clothes but I really don't like the woman.
Tomorrow night will be the first time we have seen her and her friends since Bobby died and I still can not forget that she can not be trusted from past experience or that we received no card, no phone call, not even a text to say 'sorry'. I know there will be lots of questions she and her friends will ask. I know I will hear the usual 'at least you now know you can have kids' because the last time we all went out we were 2 years into TTC and I was asked lots of questions then. 'Why has it taken so long?'' What’s wrong with you?' 'Is OH not up to it? *giggle*' blah blah blah.
I would much rather stay at home in my PJ's, surfing the net, eating takeaway, go to bed, fall asleep in a snuggle with my man.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Possible Re-Infection
I have a Doctor’s appointment booked for tomorrow evening as it appears I may have caught my third infection within the last four months.
I have been getting dull aches around my pelvic area for a week and this Saturday I had some spotting. This isn’t due to being pregnant or my period looming so I know something isn’t right down there. This morning, while running to the bus stop I had a really sharp prolonged ache right in my ‘you know what’s it’, something which I’ve not had previously. I have also {like just before my waters broke} been having an ache down my right leg which stops at my knee.
I’ve been on Google this morning for a bit of self diagnosis as despite tests done at the hospital while pregnant and tests afterwards, the Doctors could not and still can not give me an answer as to what type of infection I keep catching.
I understand Google isn’t the best idea for self diagnosis but in my opinion with the amount of faith I have in my Doctor, I think I actually trust Google more then I do him.
There is one thing which repeatedly comes up as a possible cause and that is Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
The Hospital at the time of admittance tested for any sign of an STD and as the OH and I haven’t had sex since September I know that’s not the cause.
We are due to try again in January and I can not go into it with the worry that an infection will kill any further pregnancies.
If it turns out that there is something seriously wrong then well, I will have to deal with it at the time but I am prepared. Only time will tell.
I have been getting dull aches around my pelvic area for a week and this Saturday I had some spotting. This isn’t due to being pregnant or my period looming so I know something isn’t right down there. This morning, while running to the bus stop I had a really sharp prolonged ache right in my ‘you know what’s it’, something which I’ve not had previously. I have also {like just before my waters broke} been having an ache down my right leg which stops at my knee.
I’ve been on Google this morning for a bit of self diagnosis as despite tests done at the hospital while pregnant and tests afterwards, the Doctors could not and still can not give me an answer as to what type of infection I keep catching.
I understand Google isn’t the best idea for self diagnosis but in my opinion with the amount of faith I have in my Doctor, I think I actually trust Google more then I do him.
There is one thing which repeatedly comes up as a possible cause and that is Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
The Hospital at the time of admittance tested for any sign of an STD and as the OH and I haven’t had sex since September I know that’s not the cause.
We are due to try again in January and I can not go into it with the worry that an infection will kill any further pregnancies.
If it turns out that there is something seriously wrong then well, I will have to deal with it at the time but I am prepared. Only time will tell.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
... (3)
Feeling a little fed up today.
Bobby should have been two weeks old tomorrow.
I’m worrying far too much about friends.
I’ve put on yet more weight and have the belly of a pregnant woman.
January is just too long away.
I wish I had a magic wand.
Bobby should have been two weeks old tomorrow.
I’m worrying far too much about friends.
I’ve put on yet more weight and have the belly of a pregnant woman.
January is just too long away.
I wish I had a magic wand.
Monday, 16 November 2009
A Dedication
I have just found this journal entry dedicated to me b a fellow Angel Mummy. How can I possibly reply to this. This is why helping others, helps me.
I always think it and never say it and I am not sure if there are words to describe this lady.
My beautiful son brought me to her. After finding out I was going to lose my baby boy she was one of the first to come to me and speak to me about the feelings and emotions I was about experience. She had lost her gorgeous angel Bobby only a week before I had my angel Aston.
She told me things that I never knew I would experience, she told me things that would help me get through these things, she told me things that I would think at the end of pulling through these things and never did I think she would always be right.
When I am down she picks me up, when I cry somehow she takes my tears. I think of her and Bobby and I think of how she has coped. I think of how brave she has been and that is what I want to become. It has been 4 months and 1 week today that I lost my little man, it is a week and 2 days since he should have been here and this is the very familiar and similar situation that she has been in, with her little man going just before and being due just before.
She has been like an angel my little boy gave me, someone that experienced everything before me and made me feel better about facing future events or helping me get through them. Not only has she coped with losing Bobby she has coped with me losing Aston as she has very much been my shoulder ... and my rock!!
Today I received a parcel... (a little late) but it was for Aston's due date.
Within this parcel there was a beautiful photo frame saying ‘Little Prince’ with my favourite picture of Aston. There was an Eeyore teddy which I think I will put on Aston's grave so Bobby and him can play with it (my favourite teddy ever I have loads and she didn’t know so picked well)
A beautiful little butterfly with an ‘A’ for Aston on it and a photo album; with my sons name and weigh and time of birth on front, then full of pictures of my baby boy and poems that in a way fit with every picture. The last picture being of my tattoo saying AJC and 9/7/2009 accompanied by ‘an angel in the book of life wrote down Aston’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth!!’ We also had a card from her Steve and baby Bobby!!
Now, I am truly touched by all of this. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect anything. She is a lady from an Internet site; never did I think my baby boy had found me a truly amazing friend. A truly amazing women and a truly amazing mother!
Lucy I want to say thank you. Somehow you can make me cry and smile all at once, somehow you make me see the best in everything and somehow you are always there although miles away!! I'm glad our boys are playing together and I'm glad they helped me find you!! Bobby would be the proudest little boy of his mummy ever!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always think it and never say it and I am not sure if there are words to describe this lady.
My beautiful son brought me to her. After finding out I was going to lose my baby boy she was one of the first to come to me and speak to me about the feelings and emotions I was about experience. She had lost her gorgeous angel Bobby only a week before I had my angel Aston.
She told me things that I never knew I would experience, she told me things that would help me get through these things, she told me things that I would think at the end of pulling through these things and never did I think she would always be right.
When I am down she picks me up, when I cry somehow she takes my tears. I think of her and Bobby and I think of how she has coped. I think of how brave she has been and that is what I want to become. It has been 4 months and 1 week today that I lost my little man, it is a week and 2 days since he should have been here and this is the very familiar and similar situation that she has been in, with her little man going just before and being due just before.
She has been like an angel my little boy gave me, someone that experienced everything before me and made me feel better about facing future events or helping me get through them. Not only has she coped with losing Bobby she has coped with me losing Aston as she has very much been my shoulder ... and my rock!!
Today I received a parcel... (a little late) but it was for Aston's due date.
Within this parcel there was a beautiful photo frame saying ‘Little Prince’ with my favourite picture of Aston. There was an Eeyore teddy which I think I will put on Aston's grave so Bobby and him can play with it (my favourite teddy ever I have loads and she didn’t know so picked well)
A beautiful little butterfly with an ‘A’ for Aston on it and a photo album; with my sons name and weigh and time of birth on front, then full of pictures of my baby boy and poems that in a way fit with every picture. The last picture being of my tattoo saying AJC and 9/7/2009 accompanied by ‘an angel in the book of life wrote down Aston’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth!!’ We also had a card from her Steve and baby Bobby!!
Now, I am truly touched by all of this. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect anything. She is a lady from an Internet site; never did I think my baby boy had found me a truly amazing friend. A truly amazing women and a truly amazing mother!
Lucy I want to say thank you. Somehow you can make me cry and smile all at once, somehow you make me see the best in everything and somehow you are always there although miles away!! I'm glad our boys are playing together and I'm glad they helped me find you!! Bobby would be the proudest little boy of his mummy ever!!!
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Precious Memories
A fellow Angel Mummy asked over on PAIL – a support group I am part of – to share our memories of our Angels; whilst pregnant and after.
This got me thinking and brought some of the memories back of which I guess where pushed to the back of my mind by the grief.
I thought I would share my happy memories on here as well as over there.
• The very first memory I have of Bobby is seeing him on the screen at the 6 week scan. I had been bleeding so I took myself off to the EPU. Obviously all I saw was the sac but even then it was a magical moment and in a way, I am now grateful for the bleeding I had early on as I got to see my little man more then most, I’m just sorry that I did not ask for the scan pictures. I was asked to come back ten days later for another scan which would hopefully show a heartbeat.
• Of course it did and at this point I remember looking at him on the screen and thinking that he strongly resembled a shrimp. It was at this moment that I truly fell in love with him and had an overwhelming sense of responsibility for him even though he had yet to develop any limbs or any character as such.
• Bobby’s character soon shone through some weeks later and I knew deep down all along that he was a boy and a cheeky one at that. I thought I had felt flutters from 14 weeks but it wasn’t until 17 weeks that I felt the first kick. He loved to kick so much and would kick every day at certain times of the day. These kicks are the main thing I will always remember and if I’m honest, is what I miss most about his pregnancy.
• I can not remember which week it was when I woke up one morning on my back to find a hard lump sitting on my right hand side. It freaked me out so much that I posted on my old birth board to ask what it was and it was of course Bobby curled up asleep. From that day on I would wake to find him on my right hand side and strangely enough, it was also the side he went on to die on.
• The biggest memory I have of our time together was our ten day stay at hospital. As scary as the time was it was also the time where I truly felt connected to him. It was the time in which we truly bonded. Bobby would be nice and quite all day apart from the times where the MW’s would do their four hour rounds. He would kick every time the Doppler was placed on him and for some time afterwards as though he was saying ‘Oi! Leave me alone!’
• Thinking back, he would also start kicking when my OH arrived in the evening and the three of us would then spend the evening lying on the hospital bed, watching TV together in silence.
• Another memory from our hospital stay; bored one day and sat upright on the bed, I poked my belly button in only for it to poke back out again and for him to kick. I thought I was seeing things at first so I carried it on, laughing to myself and imagining him in there tugged on the cord.
• Then came the day he died. It’s hard to think of any nice memories of that day but having really thought about it, it was the day that his strong character really shone through, as did our Mother and Son connection. Having been rushed to the hospital in the ambulance and taken straight into the Triang Room; having the nurse tell me that he was probably dead only for his heartbeat to blare out loud over the monitor made me really proud of my Son. I thought ‘Thank you for proving her wrong’.
• Bobby was declared dead at 10:20am on the 2nd July yet I know that he died at 8:45am. I know because my body went into panic. I had a panic attack at that precise moment and once it was over, I felt different somehow. That is how strong our connection was. That (not very happy) memory and that feeling within my heart will last forever.
• After hours of riding the contractions, I had for some reason kept my right hand on the right of my stomach all the way through. When Sarah the MW came to check on me early Friday morning I mentioned that I felt a hard lump underneath my hand. ‘It’s the baby honey’ she said. I had held onto Bobby unknowingly, hand placed on top of him for hours. At one point I remember thinking to myself out of the blue ‘… let him go, take your hand away’. An hour later he was born. This not so happy memory makes me cry.
• A very bittersweet memory is from the day I went to visit him at the morgue; our first meeting. I was very scared of seeing him but once over the initial shock of seeing him in his basket I fell in love with him. He was my Son and the forty five minutes we spent together were happy but also extremely sad. It was the first time and I might add the only real time I have felt like a true Mother.
• I cried the whole way through and I feel silly to think of it now however, I tried my best not to let any tears drop onto him as I didn’t want to make him wet. What I found funny at the time and which still brings a smile to my face is that he made my arm ache. His legs and fingers were so long. I was amazed by his black eyebrows. I saw his Dad in him. He was so full of detail. I admit I’m not very good and never have been very good at holding babies but I automatically held him in my right arm and he fitted perfectly from elbow to finger tip. It felt right.
• My last and final memory of Bobby is of his funeral. I had secretly hoped all day that it would rain and as he was being placed into the grave it did. It made me smile and confirmed to me that his cheeky spirit really is causing mischief up there at this very moment.
I know I said this journal would be all about happy memories but reading back everyone of the above – including the not so happy – are happy in a strange way.
To me, happiness is not just about smiling or laughing. It’s also about the feeling of being proud of your child, having those precious memories safely tucked away for the rest of eternity. It’s about having a child who has changed your life forever and being proud to call yourself an Angel Mummy.
This got me thinking and brought some of the memories back of which I guess where pushed to the back of my mind by the grief.
I thought I would share my happy memories on here as well as over there.
• The very first memory I have of Bobby is seeing him on the screen at the 6 week scan. I had been bleeding so I took myself off to the EPU. Obviously all I saw was the sac but even then it was a magical moment and in a way, I am now grateful for the bleeding I had early on as I got to see my little man more then most, I’m just sorry that I did not ask for the scan pictures. I was asked to come back ten days later for another scan which would hopefully show a heartbeat.
• Of course it did and at this point I remember looking at him on the screen and thinking that he strongly resembled a shrimp. It was at this moment that I truly fell in love with him and had an overwhelming sense of responsibility for him even though he had yet to develop any limbs or any character as such.
• Bobby’s character soon shone through some weeks later and I knew deep down all along that he was a boy and a cheeky one at that. I thought I had felt flutters from 14 weeks but it wasn’t until 17 weeks that I felt the first kick. He loved to kick so much and would kick every day at certain times of the day. These kicks are the main thing I will always remember and if I’m honest, is what I miss most about his pregnancy.
• I can not remember which week it was when I woke up one morning on my back to find a hard lump sitting on my right hand side. It freaked me out so much that I posted on my old birth board to ask what it was and it was of course Bobby curled up asleep. From that day on I would wake to find him on my right hand side and strangely enough, it was also the side he went on to die on.
• The biggest memory I have of our time together was our ten day stay at hospital. As scary as the time was it was also the time where I truly felt connected to him. It was the time in which we truly bonded. Bobby would be nice and quite all day apart from the times where the MW’s would do their four hour rounds. He would kick every time the Doppler was placed on him and for some time afterwards as though he was saying ‘Oi! Leave me alone!’
• Thinking back, he would also start kicking when my OH arrived in the evening and the three of us would then spend the evening lying on the hospital bed, watching TV together in silence.
• Another memory from our hospital stay; bored one day and sat upright on the bed, I poked my belly button in only for it to poke back out again and for him to kick. I thought I was seeing things at first so I carried it on, laughing to myself and imagining him in there tugged on the cord.
• Then came the day he died. It’s hard to think of any nice memories of that day but having really thought about it, it was the day that his strong character really shone through, as did our Mother and Son connection. Having been rushed to the hospital in the ambulance and taken straight into the Triang Room; having the nurse tell me that he was probably dead only for his heartbeat to blare out loud over the monitor made me really proud of my Son. I thought ‘Thank you for proving her wrong’.
• Bobby was declared dead at 10:20am on the 2nd July yet I know that he died at 8:45am. I know because my body went into panic. I had a panic attack at that precise moment and once it was over, I felt different somehow. That is how strong our connection was. That (not very happy) memory and that feeling within my heart will last forever.
• After hours of riding the contractions, I had for some reason kept my right hand on the right of my stomach all the way through. When Sarah the MW came to check on me early Friday morning I mentioned that I felt a hard lump underneath my hand. ‘It’s the baby honey’ she said. I had held onto Bobby unknowingly, hand placed on top of him for hours. At one point I remember thinking to myself out of the blue ‘… let him go, take your hand away’. An hour later he was born. This not so happy memory makes me cry.
• A very bittersweet memory is from the day I went to visit him at the morgue; our first meeting. I was very scared of seeing him but once over the initial shock of seeing him in his basket I fell in love with him. He was my Son and the forty five minutes we spent together were happy but also extremely sad. It was the first time and I might add the only real time I have felt like a true Mother.
• I cried the whole way through and I feel silly to think of it now however, I tried my best not to let any tears drop onto him as I didn’t want to make him wet. What I found funny at the time and which still brings a smile to my face is that he made my arm ache. His legs and fingers were so long. I was amazed by his black eyebrows. I saw his Dad in him. He was so full of detail. I admit I’m not very good and never have been very good at holding babies but I automatically held him in my right arm and he fitted perfectly from elbow to finger tip. It felt right.
• My last and final memory of Bobby is of his funeral. I had secretly hoped all day that it would rain and as he was being placed into the grave it did. It made me smile and confirmed to me that his cheeky spirit really is causing mischief up there at this very moment.
I know I said this journal would be all about happy memories but reading back everyone of the above – including the not so happy – are happy in a strange way.
To me, happiness is not just about smiling or laughing. It’s also about the feeling of being proud of your child, having those precious memories safely tucked away for the rest of eternity. It’s about having a child who has changed your life forever and being proud to call yourself an Angel Mummy.
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Taking Things For Granted
I have just spent the past 30 minutes going through my ‘baby’ email account which I set up while TTC. It was only set up for the sole purpose of giving it out to websites/promotions etc as I didn’t want my other email account clogged up with spam.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was quick to Google everything pregnancy related. I came across so many sites which offered free stuff and I set up lots of accounts all in the hope of receiving some ‘exciting’ offers through the post. As thankful as I am now, while doing this I came across the social networking site which I am still a part of and which soon became my savior before, during and since Bobby dying.
Unfortunately for me and many others, these websites do not know when you have lost so they continue to send you promotional emails or freebies through the door. I have finally thought it about time that I went through every email sitting within the inbox and close all accounts that I set up while pregnant.
This got me thinking.
How quick was I (and many others) to jump on to the baby bandwagon? Never did it enter my head that it would all be in vain and that something would go wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there was always a slight niggle at the back of my mind and I never really allowed myself to enjoy the pregnancy ‘just in case’ but looking back, even though the thought was there, I never really took it seriously enough not to get caught up in the mad world of being pregnant.
I only knew of a friend of a friend who had lost babies but as with everything else in life I thought ‘Oh it won’t happen to me. It’s something which happens to others’.
Our next pregnancy will be different *touch wood*. Everything will be different infact. I will not be taking any of it for granted. Maybe I wont be as lucky as with Bobby where I had no morning sickness but it doesn’t matter how sick and tired, or how large I become, I will never ever ever complain of aches or pains or feeling sick. Not once will I moan because my clothes will not fit or that my face is all spotty.
I would give anything to be back there again. I would give anything to have the privilege of growing a little person inside of me. My boobs can sag for all I care. I’ll buy a better bra or save for a boob job. My hair can fall out; I will embrace my new look and splash out on a new hat. My gums can bleed and my teeth rot; I will use the opportunity to have a great new set of sparklers.
Each and every pregnancy should never be taken for granted. Yes women get pregnant every day, but 1 out of every 4 of those ladies will end up with a sad story to tell like mine; with there being millions of ladies all over the world who will never experience pregnancy full stop.
It is not until you think of pregnancy like that, do you realise just how much of an honour has been bestowed upon you and what a mammoth and important job your body is doing.
I’m not saying that a lady should worry herself for the full 9 months, I’m just asking that she be thankful and realise just how lucky she truly is.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was quick to Google everything pregnancy related. I came across so many sites which offered free stuff and I set up lots of accounts all in the hope of receiving some ‘exciting’ offers through the post. As thankful as I am now, while doing this I came across the social networking site which I am still a part of and which soon became my savior before, during and since Bobby dying.
Unfortunately for me and many others, these websites do not know when you have lost so they continue to send you promotional emails or freebies through the door. I have finally thought it about time that I went through every email sitting within the inbox and close all accounts that I set up while pregnant.
This got me thinking.
How quick was I (and many others) to jump on to the baby bandwagon? Never did it enter my head that it would all be in vain and that something would go wrong. Don’t get me wrong, there was always a slight niggle at the back of my mind and I never really allowed myself to enjoy the pregnancy ‘just in case’ but looking back, even though the thought was there, I never really took it seriously enough not to get caught up in the mad world of being pregnant.
I only knew of a friend of a friend who had lost babies but as with everything else in life I thought ‘Oh it won’t happen to me. It’s something which happens to others’.
Our next pregnancy will be different *touch wood*. Everything will be different infact. I will not be taking any of it for granted. Maybe I wont be as lucky as with Bobby where I had no morning sickness but it doesn’t matter how sick and tired, or how large I become, I will never ever ever complain of aches or pains or feeling sick. Not once will I moan because my clothes will not fit or that my face is all spotty.
I would give anything to be back there again. I would give anything to have the privilege of growing a little person inside of me. My boobs can sag for all I care. I’ll buy a better bra or save for a boob job. My hair can fall out; I will embrace my new look and splash out on a new hat. My gums can bleed and my teeth rot; I will use the opportunity to have a great new set of sparklers.
Each and every pregnancy should never be taken for granted. Yes women get pregnant every day, but 1 out of every 4 of those ladies will end up with a sad story to tell like mine; with there being millions of ladies all over the world who will never experience pregnancy full stop.
It is not until you think of pregnancy like that, do you realise just how much of an honour has been bestowed upon you and what a mammoth and important job your body is doing.
I’m not saying that a lady should worry herself for the full 9 months, I’m just asking that she be thankful and realise just how lucky she truly is.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
The Need for an Earth Baby
Despite losing Bobby, I am still a part of a social networking site for pregnant ladies and all that comes with pregnancy; including losses.
Now that most on my old Birth Board are starting to pop out their babies my biological clock is screaming at me. I so want to be pregnant right now.
We have agreed to start trying again in January 2010 but at this present moment in time January seems so far away; too far away infact.
I hate this feeling of wanting something so badly yet having no control over when you can obtain that thing; afteral it’s not something you can pop to the shops and buy. It’s a feeling of helplessness if nothing else and its bringing back all of the old memories of our 2 year TTC journey which resulted in Bobby.
I’m going to be 29 next year and already time has run out to give birth before that birthday arrives. I am determined that I will have a baby in my arms before both my OH’s 40th and my 30th birthday both which happen in 2011.
I guess I’d better start *praying* and hoping that we will be that lucky right now.
Now that most on my old Birth Board are starting to pop out their babies my biological clock is screaming at me. I so want to be pregnant right now.
We have agreed to start trying again in January 2010 but at this present moment in time January seems so far away; too far away infact.
I hate this feeling of wanting something so badly yet having no control over when you can obtain that thing; afteral it’s not something you can pop to the shops and buy. It’s a feeling of helplessness if nothing else and its bringing back all of the old memories of our 2 year TTC journey which resulted in Bobby.
I’m going to be 29 next year and already time has run out to give birth before that birthday arrives. I am determined that I will have a baby in my arms before both my OH’s 40th and my 30th birthday both which happen in 2011.
I guess I’d better start *praying* and hoping that we will be that lucky right now.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Bobbys Due Day
The day I had built up to be something so terrible, yet its arrival turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It became a day of healing, a day of reflection, a day we spent together as a family for the first time since our Son’s birth.
Our pregnancy chapter is now over.
I finally feel free to move on and try to rebuild mine/our life back up to where it once was; maybe even better than before if we are lucky.
Bobby will always be in my head and my heart but now I am comfortable to remember him for what he is and not what he should have been. He is and always will be my precious little man who has changed not only my life but also the life of his Daddy’s and everyone who knew of him and those who were lucky enough to have met him.
He has taught me many new things and brought so many new good people but most of all he has given me the strength to remove those not so good.
We did nothing we planned to do but that was ok. We started the day with a nice lye in and we then took a trip out into town to choose a balloon and something else to place on his grave; although at this time we were not sure what. It took us ages to agree on the right balloon to buy which surprised me considering my OH wasn’t bothered about the balloon to begin with and yet he soon took it upon himself to be the one who didn’t like most of the selection as in his eyes they were not suitable. I wanted to buy a Thomas the Tank Engine one while he didn’t want a kid’s balloon for reasons which even he couldn’t explain. In the end we chose a bright multicolored balloon with hearts all over it. I then came across a single red rose made purely from feathers sitting on top of a shelf all on its lonesome. It was perfect.
The original idea was to release the balloon once we got to his grave but instead we chose to dig a small hole and place the string into the graves dirt. I then wrote a little note and placed it within the rose’ wrapping which, like the balloon, was placed into the dirt. We then proceeded to take pictures. I felt perfectly normal taking photos of us two beside his grave and of the grave itself but it wasn’t until two men walked past did I wonder if they thought it natural too, or if they were taken aback that what they were seeing.
Soon it started to rain so we made our way back to the car and drove to the MIL’s house. I wasn’t sure if she would remember the day but she had. We had a good chat and I filled her in of all that my OH hadn’t and she asked us if we were planning on trying again. We told her January 1010.
We had talked about trying again on Tuesday. My OH wants to make sure that the infection has gone completely before we go down that road and I want to make sure that we are stable enough financially and emotionally to try again. Until then, the plan is to plod along as ‘normal’, waiting for whatever comes our way next.
At least the day is done, put to sleep, laid to rest. Just like our little man and the year we shall never forget.
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
Twas the Night Before EDD
… and I can feel my emotions slowly starting to build. As well as tomorrow being his due date, today also happens to be 4 months to the day of which he was born.
I had a very big cry in bed last night. So big that I thought I was going to die there and then from a broken heart.
Have you ever cried so much that you can no longer breath through crying and when you do finally take a breath, your heart physically hurts? My heart hurt so much that I actually lay there thinking ‘this is it’ but of course it wasn’t. I automatically finished crying as soon as OH got into bed and I woke this morning to go to work as normal.
A friend at work bought a couple of little presents in today because she knows what tomorrow is and bless her, she wanted to cheer me up a little. She bought me a gorgeous gold and turquoise bangle and a lovely bath set from Lush.
The 60 guys and one girl I work with are fab to work with and quite a few of them know about Bobby. Most know through being nosy due to asking about my tattoo and its meaning and the odd few I have told when they have asked me if I have any children etc.
For men, they have been surprisingly supportive these past 3 months. On hearing about Bobby, one told me about his wife who had lost five of their babies through m/c and spoke about depression and how it affected him and his surviving children.
I don’t think we really give guys the credit they deserve and TBH, since losing Bobby I have found that men are actually more willing to talk to you about grief then most women are.
Before leaving work tonight I cleaned my desk, my computer screen, my desk phone and even the tannoy and the fax machine.
I phoned Mum on the way home tonight but mentioned about what day it is tomorrow. I don’t think she has forgotten, maybe she just doesn’t want to talk about it today as I know she still has a little cry sometimes too.
The OH and I are going to spend tomorrow off of work together. Our phones are going to be turned off, the front door left unanswered; just the two of us together with Bobby in mind. We plan on visiting his grave, maybe releasing a balloon and then going for a meal at the restaurant we spent our 10th anniversary at last September.
I’ve suggested to my OH that we will go visit his Mum as well and sadly I haven’t seen her since Bobby’s funeral back in July. I can’t believe it’s been that long. OH goes around there every other day while I’m at work so its not as if she’s left alone but it will be nice to spend some time with her as she took his death very hard, as did all of his Grandparents.
It still seems so surreal to think that had things worked out as planned, tomorrow we would have been first time parents to a screaming, kicking little monster with long dangly legs. Instead well, we became first time parents to an Angel instead.
RIP little man. Mummy and Daddy love you so so much and will be with you tomorrow in body and in mind. xox
I had a very big cry in bed last night. So big that I thought I was going to die there and then from a broken heart.
Have you ever cried so much that you can no longer breath through crying and when you do finally take a breath, your heart physically hurts? My heart hurt so much that I actually lay there thinking ‘this is it’ but of course it wasn’t. I automatically finished crying as soon as OH got into bed and I woke this morning to go to work as normal.
A friend at work bought a couple of little presents in today because she knows what tomorrow is and bless her, she wanted to cheer me up a little. She bought me a gorgeous gold and turquoise bangle and a lovely bath set from Lush.
The 60 guys and one girl I work with are fab to work with and quite a few of them know about Bobby. Most know through being nosy due to asking about my tattoo and its meaning and the odd few I have told when they have asked me if I have any children etc.
For men, they have been surprisingly supportive these past 3 months. On hearing about Bobby, one told me about his wife who had lost five of their babies through m/c and spoke about depression and how it affected him and his surviving children.
I don’t think we really give guys the credit they deserve and TBH, since losing Bobby I have found that men are actually more willing to talk to you about grief then most women are.
Before leaving work tonight I cleaned my desk, my computer screen, my desk phone and even the tannoy and the fax machine.
I phoned Mum on the way home tonight but mentioned about what day it is tomorrow. I don’t think she has forgotten, maybe she just doesn’t want to talk about it today as I know she still has a little cry sometimes too.
The OH and I are going to spend tomorrow off of work together. Our phones are going to be turned off, the front door left unanswered; just the two of us together with Bobby in mind. We plan on visiting his grave, maybe releasing a balloon and then going for a meal at the restaurant we spent our 10th anniversary at last September.
I’ve suggested to my OH that we will go visit his Mum as well and sadly I haven’t seen her since Bobby’s funeral back in July. I can’t believe it’s been that long. OH goes around there every other day while I’m at work so its not as if she’s left alone but it will be nice to spend some time with her as she took his death very hard, as did all of his Grandparents.
It still seems so surreal to think that had things worked out as planned, tomorrow we would have been first time parents to a screaming, kicking little monster with long dangly legs. Instead well, we became first time parents to an Angel instead.
RIP little man. Mummy and Daddy love you so so much and will be with you tomorrow in body and in mind. xox
Saturday, 31 October 2009
To Be or Not To Be
Finally within the next 1 hour and 30 minutes it is November.
I have been dreading this month for four months now and yet surprisingly the closer it gets the easier it seems to have gotten. Today however has been tiring.
I have been thinking far too much today.
A good few of the Birth Board Ladies have had their babies in October and each little boy I see, I think of how that should have been our little boy. I have been wondering if he would have waited until his due day on the 4th or if he too would have been impatient and become an October baby.
I have also been thinking about the fourteen other little Angel babies who now share my Son’s grave and their Mummies. Were they too due in November? How did their babies come to be there? Have I ever walked past them in the street or stood behind them in a queue? While pregnant, did we ever walk past each other in the street or share a bus?
Are they now pregnant again or are they too waiting to try again because now just doesn’t seem to be the right time and yet, at the time of first falling pregnant it was the perfect time.
At that time, everything was finally coming together and yet now, everything seems to be slowly falling apart.
I want 2010 to be a new beginning for the both of us but why couldn’t we of had this one little human of whom we wanted so much instead?
I have been dreading this month for four months now and yet surprisingly the closer it gets the easier it seems to have gotten. Today however has been tiring.
I have been thinking far too much today.
A good few of the Birth Board Ladies have had their babies in October and each little boy I see, I think of how that should have been our little boy. I have been wondering if he would have waited until his due day on the 4th or if he too would have been impatient and become an October baby.
I have also been thinking about the fourteen other little Angel babies who now share my Son’s grave and their Mummies. Were they too due in November? How did their babies come to be there? Have I ever walked past them in the street or stood behind them in a queue? While pregnant, did we ever walk past each other in the street or share a bus?
Are they now pregnant again or are they too waiting to try again because now just doesn’t seem to be the right time and yet, at the time of first falling pregnant it was the perfect time.
At that time, everything was finally coming together and yet now, everything seems to be slowly falling apart.
I want 2010 to be a new beginning for the both of us but why couldn’t we of had this one little human of whom we wanted so much instead?
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Seven Days To Go
This time next week would have been our little man’s due day.
I have been asked a few times over the past couple of days how I’m feeling about it and I can answer truthfully by saying “I feel fine”.
Looking back on this past week or so I think I have finally faced and temporarily beaten the demons by finding ways to cope with him not being here in person.
By accepting that he is not and never will be here in body, I have not felt sad every day. By having his picture next to me at night time, I have not cried each and every night for some time.
During the very frequent moments of the day where I think of my Son; I talk to him silently, I ask him how he is, I tell him I hope he is having fun or I simply share a joke. Those times where I have nothing to say I picture him as a little boy playing among other Angel children. I imagine him running amok having fun, not even realising that he was originally destined for somewhere else; to be down here with me and his Daddy.
I realise the above is a fantasy but it’s a nice comfortable place to be and for that reason he will always remain that little baby boy to me. He will never age in my mind. My Son will always be my cheeky chappie who loves nothing more then to get up to mischief simply because he is free to do so.
Free is an appropriate word to use right now. It’s a fluffy cloud word. Bobby is free from the troubles of every day life down here on Earth and I am at present free of the depression, the guilt and the ‘what if’s’.
For that reason alone, it allows us to be spiritually together forever, even though physically we are so far apart.
I have been asked a few times over the past couple of days how I’m feeling about it and I can answer truthfully by saying “I feel fine”.
Looking back on this past week or so I think I have finally faced and temporarily beaten the demons by finding ways to cope with him not being here in person.
By accepting that he is not and never will be here in body, I have not felt sad every day. By having his picture next to me at night time, I have not cried each and every night for some time.
During the very frequent moments of the day where I think of my Son; I talk to him silently, I ask him how he is, I tell him I hope he is having fun or I simply share a joke. Those times where I have nothing to say I picture him as a little boy playing among other Angel children. I imagine him running amok having fun, not even realising that he was originally destined for somewhere else; to be down here with me and his Daddy.
I realise the above is a fantasy but it’s a nice comfortable place to be and for that reason he will always remain that little baby boy to me. He will never age in my mind. My Son will always be my cheeky chappie who loves nothing more then to get up to mischief simply because he is free to do so.
Free is an appropriate word to use right now. It’s a fluffy cloud word. Bobby is free from the troubles of every day life down here on Earth and I am at present free of the depression, the guilt and the ‘what if’s’.
For that reason alone, it allows us to be spiritually together forever, even though physically we are so far apart.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Fourteen Days To Go
I thought I would do this journal now as I’m currently feeling good and I’m not sure how I will be feeling tomorrow; I hope that makes sense. I’m bloody tired after not taking my tablets properly.
Tomorrow (or in 20 minutes time) we would have been 38 weeks pregnant. Thirty Eight god damn weeks pregnant …
I can not wait to get this due date out of the way so I can start to count down to his 1st Angelversary. I would put a *lol* after Angelversary but deep down I know I’m not joking.
Had things been different, we would be two weeks off being first time parents. Instead however we have the tough decision of choosing which balloon to buy to release at his grave.
It was my first Slimming World weigh in last Thursday and FFS Id put on 1/2lb despite starving for most of the week. I wanted to cry there and then but got made to stay behind and go over what went wrong and what I can do to improve on next week. I waited until I got home to cry. This week I have changed my eating completely from last week and if the scales still show weight gain, then I will be running out of that door and never going back.
As it’s now dead on Fourteen days to go; off to dream nightmare land I go.
Tomorrow (or in 20 minutes time) we would have been 38 weeks pregnant. Thirty Eight god damn weeks pregnant …
I can not wait to get this due date out of the way so I can start to count down to his 1st Angelversary. I would put a *lol* after Angelversary but deep down I know I’m not joking.
Had things been different, we would be two weeks off being first time parents. Instead however we have the tough decision of choosing which balloon to buy to release at his grave.
It was my first Slimming World weigh in last Thursday and FFS Id put on 1/2lb despite starving for most of the week. I wanted to cry there and then but got made to stay behind and go over what went wrong and what I can do to improve on next week. I waited until I got home to cry. This week I have changed my eating completely from last week and if the scales still show weight gain, then I will be running out of that door and never going back.
As it’s now dead on Fourteen days to go; off to dream nightmare land I go.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Baby Loss Awareness Day
Today is our very first Wave of Light and as yet I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
Seeing his special candle lit alongside my favourite photo and with the multiple candle lit in memory of all the other Angel babies and their parents out there brings about so many emotions.
Sadness, Reflection; 'what if's' 'should have been's' and thankfully Support.
Sleep Tight little Angels. Forever Play in Peace.
Monday, 12 October 2009
Tired
I have a strong need to type. A few things have been going around in my head over the weekend and they haven’t been helped with ‘the sadness’ making its return.
I’ve got appearing normal in public down to a tee, yet I can’t seem to control my emotions while I’m on my own. I thought joining a slimming club would take my mind off of Bobby and would give me something else to concentrate on and it did work for a couple of days, until on Sunday when he came flooding back into my thoughts.
I have no concentration at home or at work. I’m getting up late every morning; the anemia is a contributor I know that and its my own fault for not always taking the right dose every day, but when I am here, I’m doing things like this … putting my thoughts onto Word instead of doing the work that I’m paid to do. When I’m at home, I’m off in my own dream world or on the computer. I can’t be bothered with anything else.
I wake up on a weekend planning to do housework or finish off what I had started the week before, maybe see a friend, be sociable and yet before I know it, I’ve done nothing all day, seen no one and its time for bed to start the working week all over again.
I woke up at 2pm on Saturday tired. I’m constantly tired, it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep, I am tired. I sometimes wish I could be like Sleeping Beauty. Sleep for one hundred years and wake up to find that the world has moved on and I can start all over again.
My lack of concentration has been causing a few problems between the OH and I too. I made an effort on Friday to buy a nice steak for dinner of which my OH asked if he could have an egg, mushrooms, chips and beans with, which was fine, I had no problems with that. I don’t often buy steak as we can’t really afford it, so I thought it would be a nice treat. Come Sunday, I cook the steak while also on the net which was a bad move. The steak comes out rubbery, the chips are undercooked and I forget to cook the mushrooms and egg. Infact, I don’t at the time actually remember him asking for an egg and yet now thinking about it, he did. This of course causes an argument and leads me to go to the bedroom, lying on the bed and crying my eyes out for a good two hours.
As usual I started off crying over the steak incident but then it soon became all about Bobby and ‘what should have been’. Each and every time I go through the birth in detail; the ‘silence’ of the room. It’s known a silent birth and yet there is nothing silent about it at all. It is a haunting sound which will no doubt stay with me forever.
I have decided, I don’t know when, but I have decided that I don’t want to fall pregnant any time soon. I’m not ready emotionally or physically. I can’t see myself falling pregnant with the amount of stress flowing through my veins anyway, and plus there is the small thing of having to BD in order to fall pregnant, one thing of which we are not doing. Infact, we haven’t BD for a month now and before that, it was only a couple of times over the course of two or so months.
He puts it down to stress; I put it down to feeling unattractive or too tired. I think what it comes down to is that we are both too scared. I want to make completely 100% sure that my body is ready this time. I thought it ready the last time but I was proved wrong in the worst way possible.
I have a Doctors appointment this evening to make sure that the infection has gone as the course of antibiotics ended last week. The diet is going well even though it only started on Friday. The work trousers I am currently wearing are already baggy. I admit I have been feeling hungry all weekend, but I am getting used to it now. I have had a good couple of years of abusing my body with too much alcohol and man size portions and eating when I’m not even hungry, so I can’t see how training my body to cope with the hunger for the next ten weeks will do it much harm. I want to hit my target.
Most of all, I want to feel comfortable within my own skin once more.
I’ve got appearing normal in public down to a tee, yet I can’t seem to control my emotions while I’m on my own. I thought joining a slimming club would take my mind off of Bobby and would give me something else to concentrate on and it did work for a couple of days, until on Sunday when he came flooding back into my thoughts.
I have no concentration at home or at work. I’m getting up late every morning; the anemia is a contributor I know that and its my own fault for not always taking the right dose every day, but when I am here, I’m doing things like this … putting my thoughts onto Word instead of doing the work that I’m paid to do. When I’m at home, I’m off in my own dream world or on the computer. I can’t be bothered with anything else.
I wake up on a weekend planning to do housework or finish off what I had started the week before, maybe see a friend, be sociable and yet before I know it, I’ve done nothing all day, seen no one and its time for bed to start the working week all over again.
I woke up at 2pm on Saturday tired. I’m constantly tired, it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep, I am tired. I sometimes wish I could be like Sleeping Beauty. Sleep for one hundred years and wake up to find that the world has moved on and I can start all over again.
My lack of concentration has been causing a few problems between the OH and I too. I made an effort on Friday to buy a nice steak for dinner of which my OH asked if he could have an egg, mushrooms, chips and beans with, which was fine, I had no problems with that. I don’t often buy steak as we can’t really afford it, so I thought it would be a nice treat. Come Sunday, I cook the steak while also on the net which was a bad move. The steak comes out rubbery, the chips are undercooked and I forget to cook the mushrooms and egg. Infact, I don’t at the time actually remember him asking for an egg and yet now thinking about it, he did. This of course causes an argument and leads me to go to the bedroom, lying on the bed and crying my eyes out for a good two hours.
As usual I started off crying over the steak incident but then it soon became all about Bobby and ‘what should have been’. Each and every time I go through the birth in detail; the ‘silence’ of the room. It’s known a silent birth and yet there is nothing silent about it at all. It is a haunting sound which will no doubt stay with me forever.
I have decided, I don’t know when, but I have decided that I don’t want to fall pregnant any time soon. I’m not ready emotionally or physically. I can’t see myself falling pregnant with the amount of stress flowing through my veins anyway, and plus there is the small thing of having to BD in order to fall pregnant, one thing of which we are not doing. Infact, we haven’t BD for a month now and before that, it was only a couple of times over the course of two or so months.
He puts it down to stress; I put it down to feeling unattractive or too tired. I think what it comes down to is that we are both too scared. I want to make completely 100% sure that my body is ready this time. I thought it ready the last time but I was proved wrong in the worst way possible.
I have a Doctors appointment this evening to make sure that the infection has gone as the course of antibiotics ended last week. The diet is going well even though it only started on Friday. The work trousers I am currently wearing are already baggy. I admit I have been feeling hungry all weekend, but I am getting used to it now. I have had a good couple of years of abusing my body with too much alcohol and man size portions and eating when I’m not even hungry, so I can’t see how training my body to cope with the hunger for the next ten weeks will do it much harm. I want to hit my target.
Most of all, I want to feel comfortable within my own skin once more.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Empty Space of Nothingness
I’m feeling a tad confused at the moment.
In my last journal not even a week ago I typed how I was feeling back in control of my life and yet, I’ve felt nothing but sadness this past weekend. Maybe this is normal considering, but I feel like I’m starting to turn into a mild version of Stacey Slater; up one minute and down the next.
Twenty Seven days from now I would have been waiting for my boy to enter the world alive and kicking. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little sad. It’s now imminent and there is no hiding from it.
I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night again. It started Friday night and has continued every night since. I don’t know if finally showing his picture to my best friend on Saturday and then putting his picture up on the www has triggered something inside but every time I now think of him, I can clearly see him in my arms wrapped up in his blue blanket. I wish I never had to say goodbye. 45 minutes were all we got to spend together.
The thought of him dying inside of me has also been haunting my dreams. Did he feel alone in there? Did he know anything at all? I think maybe it would have been better if he were to have died after birth but then I don’t know if I could have coped with seeing him taking his last breaths. I know how selfish this is going to read but I am glad we did not have to witness it. I am thankful that horrific part was shielded from us.
I came on my 3rd AF on Saturday which happened to be on the 3rd of the month and 3 months to the day that I gave birth. She has visited me every 3rd of the month since his birth and if this is anything to go by, it means she will be here the day before his due day. My body really knows how to punish me.
I was so desperate to fall pregnant before his due day, but now that I have run out of time I’m actually glad that I am not. I don’t think I am ready to be pregnant again; I can’t make up my mind. I know that my body most certainly isn’t. As well as still taking medication to rid this water infection, the Doctor confirmed that I have Anemia again. I’ve suffered from it at different levels for years so it wasn’t surprising and is easy to manage.
I have a strong feeling that I will not fall pregnant until my body is well and ready and until then I am determined to concentrate on coping with day to day life and getting my body back into shape. As well as every day life, there is of course the EDD and Christmas to get past too.
I hope 2010 is the year we finally have the chance to become an Earth family although I’m not holding out much hope.
In my last journal not even a week ago I typed how I was feeling back in control of my life and yet, I’ve felt nothing but sadness this past weekend. Maybe this is normal considering, but I feel like I’m starting to turn into a mild version of Stacey Slater; up one minute and down the next.
Twenty Seven days from now I would have been waiting for my boy to enter the world alive and kicking. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little sad. It’s now imminent and there is no hiding from it.
I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night again. It started Friday night and has continued every night since. I don’t know if finally showing his picture to my best friend on Saturday and then putting his picture up on the www has triggered something inside but every time I now think of him, I can clearly see him in my arms wrapped up in his blue blanket. I wish I never had to say goodbye. 45 minutes were all we got to spend together.
The thought of him dying inside of me has also been haunting my dreams. Did he feel alone in there? Did he know anything at all? I think maybe it would have been better if he were to have died after birth but then I don’t know if I could have coped with seeing him taking his last breaths. I know how selfish this is going to read but I am glad we did not have to witness it. I am thankful that horrific part was shielded from us.
I came on my 3rd AF on Saturday which happened to be on the 3rd of the month and 3 months to the day that I gave birth. She has visited me every 3rd of the month since his birth and if this is anything to go by, it means she will be here the day before his due day. My body really knows how to punish me.
I was so desperate to fall pregnant before his due day, but now that I have run out of time I’m actually glad that I am not. I don’t think I am ready to be pregnant again; I can’t make up my mind. I know that my body most certainly isn’t. As well as still taking medication to rid this water infection, the Doctor confirmed that I have Anemia again. I’ve suffered from it at different levels for years so it wasn’t surprising and is easy to manage.
I have a strong feeling that I will not fall pregnant until my body is well and ready and until then I am determined to concentrate on coping with day to day life and getting my body back into shape. As well as every day life, there is of course the EDD and Christmas to get past too.
I hope 2010 is the year we finally have the chance to become an Earth family although I’m not holding out much hope.
Friday, 2 October 2009
A Change In Direction
It’s been over a week since I last wrote anything down and I’m taking that as a good sign. I only tend to write if something is bothering me, or if there are things I need to get out of my head in order to make room for other soon-to-be niggles.
I can not pin point the exact moment this happened but I feel like I am slowly getting back in control of my life again. At this moment in time I no longer feel as though the world is out to get me, or that my life is going no where because I am no longer pregnant nor that I do not have my baby alive in my arms. This is a very good but at the same time very strange feeling. Good, because I can now look towards the future, strange I guess because I was getting used to being the one whose baby died and having a routine as to when I would cry or get upset about things. It’s not nice not being in control of your own mind nor emotions.
I still cry most nights, but it’s only when I picture our first and last meeting. I imagine him back in my arms and his surprising heaviness for such a young baby. I guess getting to the stage where I can think of him and smile is a way off but I don’t mind waiting.
I went to the Doctors a couple of weeks back to ask them to test me for any infection and they did so by testing both my blood and my urine. Annoyingly the urine sample shows that I still have an infection so I am currently on a course of antibiotics which will hopefully get rid of this nasty thing once and for all.
My Doctors received my blood results back on Wednesday but when I called to ask them for the results, the receptionist explained that I needed to speak to the Doctor as one of the bottles has come back with something. The Doctor however isn’t around to talk to me until next Monday. I’m expecting it to be Anemia as this is something of which I have suffered from on and off for many years and have to regularly take Iron tablets for. No problems there. If it’s not Anemia then I’m thinking it may be Diabetes as that was one of the other things they tested for and it runs strongly in our family. I can only wait and see what the Doctor says on Monday.
In the mean time, I have the whole weekend to myself as the OH is away fishing. He leaves this afternoon and comes back on Sunday and I’m really really looking forward to having the house to myself. I’m looking forward to watching what I want on TV, to being on the internet for as long as I like without being disturbed, eating crap, drinking lots of Diet Coke, sleeping a hell of a lot and I may even go as far as to not getting dressed for one whole day; I doubt I could get away with that but I will give it a damn good try. One thing I will be doing for sure though is to visit my little man’s grave.
Speaking of which, it is now Thirty Three days until what would have been our due day; 4th November. I have booked work off that day, as it’s on a Wednesday and on Tuesday this week I reminded my OH. I had wanted to talk to him for a while about it but something had been stopping me from doing so.
We have both agreed to go out somewhere for the day and release a balloon. I explained the theory behind writing a message on the balloon and sending up to heaven, but because he is a man he went ahead and explained the physics in this not being physically possible! He has suggested sending the balloon off over the sea while I would rather we send it off over his grave; I guess we could do both if we really wanted.
Until that day arrives though, I can not predict how I will feel or confirm what will happen in regards to the balloon but it’s just another thing we will deal with when it eventually arrives.
I can not pin point the exact moment this happened but I feel like I am slowly getting back in control of my life again. At this moment in time I no longer feel as though the world is out to get me, or that my life is going no where because I am no longer pregnant nor that I do not have my baby alive in my arms. This is a very good but at the same time very strange feeling. Good, because I can now look towards the future, strange I guess because I was getting used to being the one whose baby died and having a routine as to when I would cry or get upset about things. It’s not nice not being in control of your own mind nor emotions.
I still cry most nights, but it’s only when I picture our first and last meeting. I imagine him back in my arms and his surprising heaviness for such a young baby. I guess getting to the stage where I can think of him and smile is a way off but I don’t mind waiting.
I went to the Doctors a couple of weeks back to ask them to test me for any infection and they did so by testing both my blood and my urine. Annoyingly the urine sample shows that I still have an infection so I am currently on a course of antibiotics which will hopefully get rid of this nasty thing once and for all.
My Doctors received my blood results back on Wednesday but when I called to ask them for the results, the receptionist explained that I needed to speak to the Doctor as one of the bottles has come back with something. The Doctor however isn’t around to talk to me until next Monday. I’m expecting it to be Anemia as this is something of which I have suffered from on and off for many years and have to regularly take Iron tablets for. No problems there. If it’s not Anemia then I’m thinking it may be Diabetes as that was one of the other things they tested for and it runs strongly in our family. I can only wait and see what the Doctor says on Monday.
In the mean time, I have the whole weekend to myself as the OH is away fishing. He leaves this afternoon and comes back on Sunday and I’m really really looking forward to having the house to myself. I’m looking forward to watching what I want on TV, to being on the internet for as long as I like without being disturbed, eating crap, drinking lots of Diet Coke, sleeping a hell of a lot and I may even go as far as to not getting dressed for one whole day; I doubt I could get away with that but I will give it a damn good try. One thing I will be doing for sure though is to visit my little man’s grave.
Speaking of which, it is now Thirty Three days until what would have been our due day; 4th November. I have booked work off that day, as it’s on a Wednesday and on Tuesday this week I reminded my OH. I had wanted to talk to him for a while about it but something had been stopping me from doing so.
We have both agreed to go out somewhere for the day and release a balloon. I explained the theory behind writing a message on the balloon and sending up to heaven, but because he is a man he went ahead and explained the physics in this not being physically possible! He has suggested sending the balloon off over the sea while I would rather we send it off over his grave; I guess we could do both if we really wanted.
Until that day arrives though, I can not predict how I will feel or confirm what will happen in regards to the balloon but it’s just another thing we will deal with when it eventually arrives.
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Realisation
I went to the first session of counseling this afternoon and I can honestly say, don’t think I will be going back.
I’m not sure what I was expecting from it TBH, maybe I was hoping that by talking to her it would take the pain away or even bring him back. Stupid I know but you live in hope.
I sat there for an hour either talking rubbish or not being able to talk through the tears and snot, and then not being able to say what I wanted to say through the fear of crying again and not being able to stop. If it wasn’t the tears, snot or fear of speaking; we were sitting in silence and there is nothing that a hate more than awkward silences with strangers.
I did however walk away finally realising that no matter how much I talk about him or who I talk to him too; no matter how many memorial sites I set up for him or however many tears I shed for him, it will never bring him back. My little man is gone and there is nothing myself or anyone else can do about it.
I already know that as the years go by he will always remain a baby. Dying so young has somehow turned him into a ‘Peter Pan’ figure in my mind. He will always be my ‘what should have been boy’.
Crazy as this sounds; I worked out today that he would be turning 18 in 2027 and now all I can think about is that when that day comes, will I think of him as a young man or as a baby? Will I go out and buy him a grown up present or a soft toy still? Will the pain hurt just as much then as it does now?
What has hit me the most is that he will never get the chance to go to school; he will never go on to fall in love and get married, all the little things which Earth parents take for granted every day.
Being inside my body is all that he will ever know.
The pain of missing my Angel is currently worse than that of death itself.
I’m not sure what I was expecting from it TBH, maybe I was hoping that by talking to her it would take the pain away or even bring him back. Stupid I know but you live in hope.
I sat there for an hour either talking rubbish or not being able to talk through the tears and snot, and then not being able to say what I wanted to say through the fear of crying again and not being able to stop. If it wasn’t the tears, snot or fear of speaking; we were sitting in silence and there is nothing that a hate more than awkward silences with strangers.
I did however walk away finally realising that no matter how much I talk about him or who I talk to him too; no matter how many memorial sites I set up for him or however many tears I shed for him, it will never bring him back. My little man is gone and there is nothing myself or anyone else can do about it.
I already know that as the years go by he will always remain a baby. Dying so young has somehow turned him into a ‘Peter Pan’ figure in my mind. He will always be my ‘what should have been boy’.
Crazy as this sounds; I worked out today that he would be turning 18 in 2027 and now all I can think about is that when that day comes, will I think of him as a young man or as a baby? Will I go out and buy him a grown up present or a soft toy still? Will the pain hurt just as much then as it does now?
What has hit me the most is that he will never get the chance to go to school; he will never go on to fall in love and get married, all the little things which Earth parents take for granted every day.
Being inside my body is all that he will ever know.
The pain of missing my Angel is currently worse than that of death itself.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Forty Four Days
In forty four days time I should have been getting prepared to become a proper Mummy to a living baby. Instead as the days go on I am getting ever more stressed that my OH, despite it being his idea to pin point my most fertile days, isn't wanting to BD. It feels like he is keeping me from becoming the Mummy of which I so want to be.
I'm also finding that I'm coming onto the wwww less and less. I think it is because as the days go on I am finding it more easier to deal with Bobby's death and I am therefore not getting what I need out of it anymore.
I do know that I am stuck in no-mans-land. I'm not pregnant and yet I am a Mummy to a baby of which I can not hold, feed, change, nor play with. The majority of the posts I now read on my old Birth Board I no longer feel a connection with despite that site being my saving grace during my pregnancy and during/after his death. I instead find myself reading the same sad posts about m/c's or BFP's and my emotions go from one extreme to the other. In all honesty I feel quite lonely within this giant world.
I have my first counselling session this Thursday. I know there is a lot of bottled up emotion deep down inside so I'm expecting to shed a few tears but as I’ve never been good at letting go, I wonder how long it will take to all come out.
All I want is what thousands of women every day achieve without even thinking of trying; a family to call my own. Why is that so hard?
I'm also finding that I'm coming onto the wwww less and less. I think it is because as the days go on I am finding it more easier to deal with Bobby's death and I am therefore not getting what I need out of it anymore.
I do know that I am stuck in no-mans-land. I'm not pregnant and yet I am a Mummy to a baby of which I can not hold, feed, change, nor play with. The majority of the posts I now read on my old Birth Board I no longer feel a connection with despite that site being my saving grace during my pregnancy and during/after his death. I instead find myself reading the same sad posts about m/c's or BFP's and my emotions go from one extreme to the other. In all honesty I feel quite lonely within this giant world.
I have my first counselling session this Thursday. I know there is a lot of bottled up emotion deep down inside so I'm expecting to shed a few tears but as I’ve never been good at letting go, I wonder how long it will take to all come out.
All I want is what thousands of women every day achieve without even thinking of trying; a family to call my own. Why is that so hard?
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Reading (2)
Yes another. This is my way of finding answers maybe?
For this reading I used both the Major and Minor Arcana, in a Celtic Cross spread.
This reading had a very clear theme running through it. I hope you like your reading and you get something out of it and it makes some sense to you. Ok here is what happened in your reading;
The first card represents what is present.
I drew the Wheel of Fortune. This card represents cycles. Our lives are a forever turning wheel of happy/ prosperous times, moving into times of sadness and less favourable circumstances. This card is here to give you a reminder that although life can be horrific it will not stay that way forever. The card represents change and that change is here. This card also reminds us how we respond to the change is important as to whether you move forward or get stuck in a negative place, searching for answers that will keep you locked there. As I said the wheel in all our lives turns whether we want it to or not. We make our own future and we can only do that when we are willing to move from one part of the cycle to the next.
The second cared represents the difficulties you face.
I drew the Knight of Pentangles. This card shows worries of a material nature. Whether this be money or possessions. As the card is drawn here in the reading this suggests a time of hard work is needed to achieve your goal. This card shows me you are more than capable of success, and these difficulties will be short lived.
The third card represents what is up most in you mind.
The card drawn was King of Wands. This card shows me you are thinking a lot about something exciting and can’t wait to get started on it. The card represents inspiration and optimism for your new project. The card suggests success as the king of wands is not a person to give up, however when you have achieved what you set out to do you will be satisfied and then quickly move onto the new. He represents a person who doesn’t sit and appreciate his work, but moves on to the next thing on his list if that makes sense.
The fourth card represents what is moving out of your life.
The Knave of pentangles. The Knave cards do not hold a particular meaning, but rather an essence of meaning. They do however strongly reflect potential. OK the suit represents perseverance and determination. As the card was drawn at this point I feel it would mean the time of difficulty (card 2) is now ending as you have worked hard. As I stated before the time of difficulties would be short lived and this card again suggests this.
The fifth card represents what is behind you. (recent past)
The 6 of Pentangles. This shows a time of kindness from others. The number 6 means harmony and balance, warmth and security. I feel that is what the loving action of those around you have brought into your life. You have been surrounded by such good energy from those who know you and those who don’t. This card reminds us to remember the kindness of others and when others are in times of need give back a little of what you received. Also to remember those actions when you feel you are alone. I feel this is something to carry with you as you live your life, it will help you and others alike.
The sixth card represents what is before you. (immediate future)
The 3 of Wands. The number 3 represents growth and movement. The number is also linked to the start of new projects. I feel this is linked with the exciting project I talked of before. The card marks completion of the first phase. Now to the suit…. The wands signify Again completion of that first phase, bringing with it satisfaction. The card also tells of a need to do more though, this will be to carry on with your project successfully. This is a positive card as it states you will get what you want, just keep going.
The seventh card represents where you will find yourself (near future)
The 7 of swords. Firstly the number 7 is the number of wisdom, expansion and reflection. This shows there will be a time you find yourself thinking a lot, about what has been and what is yet to come. This will be quiet thinking that you will not broadcast to others around, but sort of a private personal time of thought. The Swords represent again thinking inwards. This also warns not to become aggressive to those around you or act hostile. I think your time of reflection will be to work out your issues in a way that you can talk about them without snapping.
The eighth card represents How other see you.
Justice. This shows you to be a very balanced person generally. You have lots of good qualities that others can see quite plainly. This also suggests you can balance your emotions well, of course the balance gets tipped at times but that happens with everyone, you should remember your not superwoman lol. People will see you as someone who they can turn to easily as you are not rash with judgement.
The ninth card represents Hopes and fears.
The 10 of cups. The 10 represents an end to a cycle just before a new one begins. The suit cups represents again reward after effort and hard work. As this card was drawn here I would be inclined to say its this that both worries and excites you. As in your not afraid to do the work its just the outcome that you are both excited yet terrified of. I feel you are in constant argument with yourself, getting excited over the outcome but then smashing it down again with worries and negatives. The only thing I can really say here is, because of this reading and all its favourable outcomes to matters that needed work. I feel you are worrying unnecessarily. As I said before it will happen you just need some faith and support to calm down all those negatives. Easier said than done I know.
The tenth card represents Outcome.
This was the final card to be revealed, I drew The 9 of swords. LOL! Sorry this last card has made me smile and giggle. I love how the tarot will do this!! Ok… The number 9 the number of resurrection and gathering things together before completion. The Swords. Thoughts of impending doom are NOT realised. Fears and doubts are much worse than the true situation. So as I was saying above Lol. This card is again urging you to have faith! Things are set to being favourable. You are in a good phase of your present cycle to realise those goals you have, and you are holding yourself back in a way. As I also said its so easy sat on the outside saying “come on girl you can do it!” when its not actually me facing the doubts and other conflicting emotions. I just really do hope you get what you want and can move forward.
END OF READING.
I hope you have enjoyed your reading and can relate to what the cards have told me. It was a pleasure reading for you and hope there is something of use to you in there. Thanks again for volunteerin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For this reading I used both the Major and Minor Arcana, in a Celtic Cross spread.
This reading had a very clear theme running through it. I hope you like your reading and you get something out of it and it makes some sense to you. Ok here is what happened in your reading;
The first card represents what is present.
I drew the Wheel of Fortune. This card represents cycles. Our lives are a forever turning wheel of happy/ prosperous times, moving into times of sadness and less favourable circumstances. This card is here to give you a reminder that although life can be horrific it will not stay that way forever. The card represents change and that change is here. This card also reminds us how we respond to the change is important as to whether you move forward or get stuck in a negative place, searching for answers that will keep you locked there. As I said the wheel in all our lives turns whether we want it to or not. We make our own future and we can only do that when we are willing to move from one part of the cycle to the next.
The second cared represents the difficulties you face.
I drew the Knight of Pentangles. This card shows worries of a material nature. Whether this be money or possessions. As the card is drawn here in the reading this suggests a time of hard work is needed to achieve your goal. This card shows me you are more than capable of success, and these difficulties will be short lived.
The third card represents what is up most in you mind.
The card drawn was King of Wands. This card shows me you are thinking a lot about something exciting and can’t wait to get started on it. The card represents inspiration and optimism for your new project. The card suggests success as the king of wands is not a person to give up, however when you have achieved what you set out to do you will be satisfied and then quickly move onto the new. He represents a person who doesn’t sit and appreciate his work, but moves on to the next thing on his list if that makes sense.
The fourth card represents what is moving out of your life.
The Knave of pentangles. The Knave cards do not hold a particular meaning, but rather an essence of meaning. They do however strongly reflect potential. OK the suit represents perseverance and determination. As the card was drawn at this point I feel it would mean the time of difficulty (card 2) is now ending as you have worked hard. As I stated before the time of difficulties would be short lived and this card again suggests this.
The fifth card represents what is behind you. (recent past)
The 6 of Pentangles. This shows a time of kindness from others. The number 6 means harmony and balance, warmth and security. I feel that is what the loving action of those around you have brought into your life. You have been surrounded by such good energy from those who know you and those who don’t. This card reminds us to remember the kindness of others and when others are in times of need give back a little of what you received. Also to remember those actions when you feel you are alone. I feel this is something to carry with you as you live your life, it will help you and others alike.
The sixth card represents what is before you. (immediate future)
The 3 of Wands. The number 3 represents growth and movement. The number is also linked to the start of new projects. I feel this is linked with the exciting project I talked of before. The card marks completion of the first phase. Now to the suit…. The wands signify Again completion of that first phase, bringing with it satisfaction. The card also tells of a need to do more though, this will be to carry on with your project successfully. This is a positive card as it states you will get what you want, just keep going.
The seventh card represents where you will find yourself (near future)
The 7 of swords. Firstly the number 7 is the number of wisdom, expansion and reflection. This shows there will be a time you find yourself thinking a lot, about what has been and what is yet to come. This will be quiet thinking that you will not broadcast to others around, but sort of a private personal time of thought. The Swords represent again thinking inwards. This also warns not to become aggressive to those around you or act hostile. I think your time of reflection will be to work out your issues in a way that you can talk about them without snapping.
The eighth card represents How other see you.
Justice. This shows you to be a very balanced person generally. You have lots of good qualities that others can see quite plainly. This also suggests you can balance your emotions well, of course the balance gets tipped at times but that happens with everyone, you should remember your not superwoman lol. People will see you as someone who they can turn to easily as you are not rash with judgement.
The ninth card represents Hopes and fears.
The 10 of cups. The 10 represents an end to a cycle just before a new one begins. The suit cups represents again reward after effort and hard work. As this card was drawn here I would be inclined to say its this that both worries and excites you. As in your not afraid to do the work its just the outcome that you are both excited yet terrified of. I feel you are in constant argument with yourself, getting excited over the outcome but then smashing it down again with worries and negatives. The only thing I can really say here is, because of this reading and all its favourable outcomes to matters that needed work. I feel you are worrying unnecessarily. As I said before it will happen you just need some faith and support to calm down all those negatives. Easier said than done I know.
The tenth card represents Outcome.
This was the final card to be revealed, I drew The 9 of swords. LOL! Sorry this last card has made me smile and giggle. I love how the tarot will do this!! Ok… The number 9 the number of resurrection and gathering things together before completion. The Swords. Thoughts of impending doom are NOT realised. Fears and doubts are much worse than the true situation. So as I was saying above Lol. This card is again urging you to have faith! Things are set to being favourable. You are in a good phase of your present cycle to realise those goals you have, and you are holding yourself back in a way. As I also said its so easy sat on the outside saying “come on girl you can do it!” when its not actually me facing the doubts and other conflicting emotions. I just really do hope you get what you want and can move forward.
END OF READING.
I hope you have enjoyed your reading and can relate to what the cards have told me. It was a pleasure reading for you and hope there is something of use to you in there. Thanks again for volunteerin.
Friday, 18 September 2009
Fortune Teller Reader
17th September
This is a long post so you might want to make yourself a cup of tea and grab a pack or two of biscuits.
Firstly she asked me to shuffle half a pack of cards and to separate them into three piles. I then had to do the same with the other half and then put them into one pile.
As well as the cards, she also asked me to pick out three ribbons from a pack and to hold onto them all the way through the reading.
She started the reading by saying that the cards showed I had gone through a lot of crap recently; her words not mine. The majority of my cards were past cards, which meant that I was currently stuck in the past and finding it hard to move on. She could sense a feeling of sadness around me.
The two strongest cards I had chosen where:
• From the past – the Tower which signifies that a major event has happened but it was paired with the Strength card – she said I am a strong woman.
• From the future - the Escape card with the number 3. She said that I will eventually walk away from a relationship which will lead to my freedom
Emotions:
• She said that I am currently very low and so is my self esteem. She said that I feel that I have been let down by those around me who should have known better and that I am sad because I have failed in something of which I shouldn’t have.
• She said that I am currently going through a stage of self discovery. I am trying to find the true me. I am going through some kind of healing and that while doing this I am also helping to heal others. She said that she can see me going away somewhere to ‘find myself’, which will work at the time but when I arrive back it will disappear.
• She said that I have just come out of a black cycle but the future is good and there will be a lot of change to happen. She kept coming back to me walking away and finding my freedom.
Career:
• She mentioned that I have either just come out of a Financial job or that I am going into one.
• She said that in January I will know for sure where my career is heading but I have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to my career. She said that now is the time to concentrate on my current skills and use them to my advantage.
• She mentioned that I have thought about going down the path of a councilor or something which will heal others.
• The name Keith is very important to my career.
Relationships/Babies:
• She said that my current partner plays his cards very close to his chest and that I often walk on egg shells round him. She said that she could sense deceit between the two of us and a lack of communication. She said that he doesn’t always tell me everything.
• She mentioned that I have troubles with my cycle and that I am worried that this will affect any pregnancies but this is nothing to be worrying about.
• She said that she sees boys in my future. I will have either a son or twin boys within the next 12-14 months BUT she can not guarantee that that will be with my current partner.
• She then asked me if I had ever thought about leaving my current partner as the Escape card was very dominant.
• She said that I will also receive a proposal in 7 months or 7 years. The number 7 was important.
Misc:
• She said that she can see a woman called June and the month of Aug.
• I have two strong Leo’s in my life. One a women who is currently a good guide for me and the other is a man who will either be prominent in my career or he will be my next partner.
• I will be moving again in May apparently.
• I am to be aware of a Sagittarius woman and now is a good time to realise who is good and who isn’t around me.
• She also mentioned that someone I know who is overseas will send me some shocking news.
From the ribbons I chose:
• Red signifies Strength
• Purple signifies Spiritual
• Silver is a typical Cancerian colour
She mentioned my Granddad on my Dad’s side in the spirit world although he is alive but she did say that from the ribbons she could pick up a lot of Spirit activity.
Overall she was 98% correct in everything she said and those who know me well, who I have told have also agreed. Here is looking forward to a better future!
This is a long post so you might want to make yourself a cup of tea and grab a pack or two of biscuits.
Firstly she asked me to shuffle half a pack of cards and to separate them into three piles. I then had to do the same with the other half and then put them into one pile.
As well as the cards, she also asked me to pick out three ribbons from a pack and to hold onto them all the way through the reading.
She started the reading by saying that the cards showed I had gone through a lot of crap recently; her words not mine. The majority of my cards were past cards, which meant that I was currently stuck in the past and finding it hard to move on. She could sense a feeling of sadness around me.
The two strongest cards I had chosen where:
• From the past – the Tower which signifies that a major event has happened but it was paired with the Strength card – she said I am a strong woman.
• From the future - the Escape card with the number 3. She said that I will eventually walk away from a relationship which will lead to my freedom
Emotions:
• She said that I am currently very low and so is my self esteem. She said that I feel that I have been let down by those around me who should have known better and that I am sad because I have failed in something of which I shouldn’t have.
• She said that I am currently going through a stage of self discovery. I am trying to find the true me. I am going through some kind of healing and that while doing this I am also helping to heal others. She said that she can see me going away somewhere to ‘find myself’, which will work at the time but when I arrive back it will disappear.
• She said that I have just come out of a black cycle but the future is good and there will be a lot of change to happen. She kept coming back to me walking away and finding my freedom.
Career:
• She mentioned that I have either just come out of a Financial job or that I am going into one.
• She said that in January I will know for sure where my career is heading but I have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to my career. She said that now is the time to concentrate on my current skills and use them to my advantage.
• She mentioned that I have thought about going down the path of a councilor or something which will heal others.
• The name Keith is very important to my career.
Relationships/Babies:
• She said that my current partner plays his cards very close to his chest and that I often walk on egg shells round him. She said that she could sense deceit between the two of us and a lack of communication. She said that he doesn’t always tell me everything.
• She mentioned that I have troubles with my cycle and that I am worried that this will affect any pregnancies but this is nothing to be worrying about.
• She said that she sees boys in my future. I will have either a son or twin boys within the next 12-14 months BUT she can not guarantee that that will be with my current partner.
• She then asked me if I had ever thought about leaving my current partner as the Escape card was very dominant.
• She said that I will also receive a proposal in 7 months or 7 years. The number 7 was important.
Misc:
• She said that she can see a woman called June and the month of Aug.
• I have two strong Leo’s in my life. One a women who is currently a good guide for me and the other is a man who will either be prominent in my career or he will be my next partner.
• I will be moving again in May apparently.
• I am to be aware of a Sagittarius woman and now is a good time to realise who is good and who isn’t around me.
• She also mentioned that someone I know who is overseas will send me some shocking news.
From the ribbons I chose:
• Red signifies Strength
• Purple signifies Spiritual
• Silver is a typical Cancerian colour
She mentioned my Granddad on my Dad’s side in the spirit world although he is alive but she did say that from the ribbons she could pick up a lot of Spirit activity.
Overall she was 98% correct in everything she said and those who know me well, who I have told have also agreed. Here is looking forward to a better future!
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Guilt
At the time of Bobby’s death the following seemed the best thing to do however now, looking back and hearing what other Angel Mummy’s did, I would like to change some things please.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
Monday, 14 September 2009
The Next Step?
Well I have finally done it.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
Friday, 11 September 2009
How Are You?
This is an open ended question of which I get asked daily.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Cant Cope Anymore
As it’s now only 57 days until what would have been Bobby's due date I am becoming increasingly upset with every visit to baby forum I am a part of.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
This Time Today ...
2 Months Ago: Bobby became an Angel.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Back To Life. Back To Reality
The bank holiday is over and we are back to reality.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
Friday, 28 August 2009
Breakdown In Communication
I guess it was inevitable but I had a little breakdown at work this morning. I’m not proud, I know it doesn’t look good as no one should bring their drama to work with them but it’s been made worse by the fact that I’m only temping here. Oh well, so much for trying to make a good impression. Instead I must look like a mental case.
My only saving grace is that a couple of the people I work with know about Bobby so they were sympathetic.
The morning began with me waking up 20 minutes before I should have been at work and then the OH and I had an argument; a pretty bad argument to be honest. I left for work, turned my mobile off and turned up an hour late. When I arrived I was already trying to hold the tears in. I sit at a reception desk and as usual there was a constant a flow of engineers coming to and from my desk. This morning everyone kept asking me how I was which made me feel worse until eventually the tears flowed.
A short while after, I turned my phone on to find 3 text messages from my OH obviously still reeling from the morning’s argument. Feeling the tears welling up I went to the toilet to reply back and for the first time since Bobby’s death, I explained in the text exactly how I felt. How I cry myself to sleep each night, how I know I’m a cr * p girlfriend at the moment, how I’m tired emotionally and physically, how my heart aches so much because I miss my Son and how all I want is for us to be a family, how all I want is for things to be ‘normal’ again. He replied explaining he also couldn’t sleep, he constantly worries about things; work, money, us. The end of his text read; ‘I too think of Bobby everyday and wipe away a tear’.
This is the first time we have properly talked about our inner most true feelings and we did it via stupid text message. I now realise why everyone keeps telling me that communication is very important at this time.
As I have mentioned previously, it is our 11th Anniversary next week and we will hopefully get to spend the weekend together.
Looking back, I realise that since Bobby, we have not spent a single weekend together without either someone coming around or the both of us are off doing our own thing. I have spent the last three weekends around friends or families houses while he’s off fishing with his.
If we are going to make it to 11 year mark, then we need to start spending some time together.
I really hope we make it.
My only saving grace is that a couple of the people I work with know about Bobby so they were sympathetic.
The morning began with me waking up 20 minutes before I should have been at work and then the OH and I had an argument; a pretty bad argument to be honest. I left for work, turned my mobile off and turned up an hour late. When I arrived I was already trying to hold the tears in. I sit at a reception desk and as usual there was a constant a flow of engineers coming to and from my desk. This morning everyone kept asking me how I was which made me feel worse until eventually the tears flowed.
A short while after, I turned my phone on to find 3 text messages from my OH obviously still reeling from the morning’s argument. Feeling the tears welling up I went to the toilet to reply back and for the first time since Bobby’s death, I explained in the text exactly how I felt. How I cry myself to sleep each night, how I know I’m a cr * p girlfriend at the moment, how I’m tired emotionally and physically, how my heart aches so much because I miss my Son and how all I want is for us to be a family, how all I want is for things to be ‘normal’ again. He replied explaining he also couldn’t sleep, he constantly worries about things; work, money, us. The end of his text read; ‘I too think of Bobby everyday and wipe away a tear’.
This is the first time we have properly talked about our inner most true feelings and we did it via stupid text message. I now realise why everyone keeps telling me that communication is very important at this time.
As I have mentioned previously, it is our 11th Anniversary next week and we will hopefully get to spend the weekend together.
Looking back, I realise that since Bobby, we have not spent a single weekend together without either someone coming around or the both of us are off doing our own thing. I have spent the last three weekends around friends or families houses while he’s off fishing with his.
If we are going to make it to 11 year mark, then we need to start spending some time together.
I really hope we make it.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
... (2)
I’m feeling quite depressed and extremely tired right now.
We should have been happy that we were now 30 weeks with only 10 weeks to go.
He should be moving around inside my stomach giving me heartburn or a good kick in the ribs; instead our baby is lying in a coffin in the ground, still, cold.
Lifeless.
We should have been happy that we were now 30 weeks with only 10 weeks to go.
He should be moving around inside my stomach giving me heartburn or a good kick in the ribs; instead our baby is lying in a coffin in the ground, still, cold.
Lifeless.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Consultant Appointment
We had an appointment with a Consultant at the hospital at 2:30pm yesterday afternoon.
What a waste of time that was; or maybe not I can’t decide to be honest. Somehow though, I managed to walk out of there with some sort of slight closure even though we were not told anything new.
We arrived there to be greeted by the Consultant, the head M/W {I think} and a wacky looking Counsellor.
We spent 45 minutes there, which consisted of the Consultant reading through my notes and me adding my pointers as to what he had missed out or gotten wrong. He explained why I was left there for 3 hours waiting to be seen by a Doctor when Bobby had a heartbeat and I explained how it felt to be left there waiting to be seen by a Doctor for 3 hours when Bobby had a heartbeat, wondering WTF was going on and if our boy was going to make it or not.
I explained how I was told by the ambulance woman that they would be able to put the cord back in and how I was told it was quite common. I explained how I got there and waited for that to happen but it didn’t. I explained how it felt to be left there asking when the Doctor would arrive time and time again only to be told each time that he was in an emergency operation and how I thought ‘Well what exactly am I, not an emergency?’
You get my point…
All the way through this the Counsellor butted in asking me questions on how this made me feel blah blah blah.
The Consultant explained that the tests from the bloods and placenta showed nothing abnormal and how because we didn’t opt for a PM they couldn’t confirm exactly why he died.
I explained how we didn’t want a PM as we knew how he died. It was the infection.
I explained how I went to the hospital three days before my waters broke and how my urine sample showed no signs of infection and how my cervix was closed and how when three days later my Doctor confirmed that the waters hadn’t broken and yes I had an infection and yet then two days later when I had my 20 week ultrasound; everything was finally made clear…
I also brought up that I had written a formal complaint about the way we were left and what the response letter had said.
The head M/W asked me if there was anything I would like to take back to her staff to help deal with any future women in my position and I simply said ‘tell them what’s going on, let them know what is going to happen instead of letting them imagine what would happen and if it’s bad news then its bad news, just don’t let them get their hopes up for no reason like I did’.
They made a note of it.
The Councillor asked my OH how he felt to which I thought ‘oh dear’ because he had refused to attend at first because he didn’t want to speak to the Councillor but he simply said ‘well it’s sh * t but we are coping and I don’t have any unanswered questions’.
We were then asked if we had thought about trying again or if we thought it was too soon but I explained that we were trying but without any pressure this time; if it happens then it happens.
The Consultant advised that as soon as I know I am pregnant I should call his department so that he can set the wheels in motion for me to have an early scan and swabs taken to monitor any possible future infection.
The M/W went on to explain the difference between trying to save a baby at 22 weeks and a baby at 23 weeks. Simply put as I understood it; Bobby was unlucky. Had my cord prolapsed a week later, they most probably would have delivered him there and then. It was simply a lottery we didn’t win.
We were advised that if we wanted to see a Councillor then the service was there. I’m not sure if I will be seeing a Councillor. The one I met this afternoon I definitely wont be seeing. If I am going to open my heart to someone I want to gel with them and I certainly didn’t with her. She has given me her card if I would like to book an appointment so I think I will sleep on it for a couple of days and see how my emotions go.
This whole grief malarkey is confusing as hell.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday; of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby. In a way the negative gives me a fresh start but as strange as it may sound, it is the final confirmation that Bobby is gone, that my pregnancy with him is over and there is absolutely no trace of my boy left within my body.
What a waste of time that was; or maybe not I can’t decide to be honest. Somehow though, I managed to walk out of there with some sort of slight closure even though we were not told anything new.
We arrived there to be greeted by the Consultant, the head M/W {I think} and a wacky looking Counsellor.
We spent 45 minutes there, which consisted of the Consultant reading through my notes and me adding my pointers as to what he had missed out or gotten wrong. He explained why I was left there for 3 hours waiting to be seen by a Doctor when Bobby had a heartbeat and I explained how it felt to be left there waiting to be seen by a Doctor for 3 hours when Bobby had a heartbeat, wondering WTF was going on and if our boy was going to make it or not.
I explained how I was told by the ambulance woman that they would be able to put the cord back in and how I was told it was quite common. I explained how I got there and waited for that to happen but it didn’t. I explained how it felt to be left there asking when the Doctor would arrive time and time again only to be told each time that he was in an emergency operation and how I thought ‘Well what exactly am I, not an emergency?’
You get my point…
All the way through this the Counsellor butted in asking me questions on how this made me feel blah blah blah.
The Consultant explained that the tests from the bloods and placenta showed nothing abnormal and how because we didn’t opt for a PM they couldn’t confirm exactly why he died.
I explained how we didn’t want a PM as we knew how he died. It was the infection.
I explained how I went to the hospital three days before my waters broke and how my urine sample showed no signs of infection and how my cervix was closed and how when three days later my Doctor confirmed that the waters hadn’t broken and yes I had an infection and yet then two days later when I had my 20 week ultrasound; everything was finally made clear…
I also brought up that I had written a formal complaint about the way we were left and what the response letter had said.
The head M/W asked me if there was anything I would like to take back to her staff to help deal with any future women in my position and I simply said ‘tell them what’s going on, let them know what is going to happen instead of letting them imagine what would happen and if it’s bad news then its bad news, just don’t let them get their hopes up for no reason like I did’.
They made a note of it.
The Councillor asked my OH how he felt to which I thought ‘oh dear’ because he had refused to attend at first because he didn’t want to speak to the Councillor but he simply said ‘well it’s sh * t but we are coping and I don’t have any unanswered questions’.
We were then asked if we had thought about trying again or if we thought it was too soon but I explained that we were trying but without any pressure this time; if it happens then it happens.
The Consultant advised that as soon as I know I am pregnant I should call his department so that he can set the wheels in motion for me to have an early scan and swabs taken to monitor any possible future infection.
The M/W went on to explain the difference between trying to save a baby at 22 weeks and a baby at 23 weeks. Simply put as I understood it; Bobby was unlucky. Had my cord prolapsed a week later, they most probably would have delivered him there and then. It was simply a lottery we didn’t win.
We were advised that if we wanted to see a Councillor then the service was there. I’m not sure if I will be seeing a Councillor. The one I met this afternoon I definitely wont be seeing. If I am going to open my heart to someone I want to gel with them and I certainly didn’t with her. She has given me her card if I would like to book an appointment so I think I will sleep on it for a couple of days and see how my emotions go.
This whole grief malarkey is confusing as hell.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday; of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby. In a way the negative gives me a fresh start but as strange as it may sound, it is the final confirmation that Bobby is gone, that my pregnancy with him is over and there is absolutely no trace of my boy left within my body.
Monday, 24 August 2009
Questions Answered
I’m sitting at work but I can’t concentrate.
We have an appointment with the Consultant at the hospital at 2:30pm this afternoon.
It is to go over the reasons why our Son died, to go over the results of the blood test taken straight after his birth and the tests from the placenta to see if there was anything abnormal from both. It will also be the first time I get to meet with the Counsellor to discuss any possible sessions with her. The Consultant will apparently go over any care that I will receive in any further pregnancies.
The thing is I know why Bobby died. We have it confirmed in the letter which we received last week from the Chief Exec of the hospital. As written previously I looked into possible liability action against the hospital and my Doctor for firstly not noticing that my waters had broken and for secondly being left with the umbilical cord hanging out for hours despite Bobby having a heartbeat when we got there.
However every solicitor I spoke to agreed that yes errors were made and that I should have been treated differently but they would not be able to find the evidence to prove that had anything been any different, he would have lived. Instead they told me to make a formal written complaint to my hospital of which I did and of which resulted in the letter.
The letter apologised, quite a lot and explained that there had been an investigation into my complaint. He advised that because there was no pulse from the cord when I arrived at the hospital, it was inevitable that our Son would die as once it stops, it can not be restarted again. He apologised that I was not advised of this by the MW at the time. This had been the main thing which had haunted me for weeks. The questions of was our son left to die, could he be alive today had he been monitored when we got to the hospital? The answer to both questions is no. From the time the cord came out to the time he died was 2 hours. The questions, did he suffer, did he know what was happening; no Doctor can answer but I may just ask the Consultant today anyway, just to see what he says.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday, of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby.
It’s our 11 year anniversary on the 2nd September and we are planning on going away for the weekend. The full plans are yet to be arranged/agreed on, but I think it’s what we need. I want to be able to turn off our mobiles and to be as far away from London to feel as though it’s just the two of us on our own, to re-jog our memories as to what it was like to spend time together and to actually have some fun. We used to have a lot of fun. I miss that most about us.
Right, back to work before payroll are on my case asking where these hours are.
We have an appointment with the Consultant at the hospital at 2:30pm this afternoon.
It is to go over the reasons why our Son died, to go over the results of the blood test taken straight after his birth and the tests from the placenta to see if there was anything abnormal from both. It will also be the first time I get to meet with the Counsellor to discuss any possible sessions with her. The Consultant will apparently go over any care that I will receive in any further pregnancies.
The thing is I know why Bobby died. We have it confirmed in the letter which we received last week from the Chief Exec of the hospital. As written previously I looked into possible liability action against the hospital and my Doctor for firstly not noticing that my waters had broken and for secondly being left with the umbilical cord hanging out for hours despite Bobby having a heartbeat when we got there.
However every solicitor I spoke to agreed that yes errors were made and that I should have been treated differently but they would not be able to find the evidence to prove that had anything been any different, he would have lived. Instead they told me to make a formal written complaint to my hospital of which I did and of which resulted in the letter.
The letter apologised, quite a lot and explained that there had been an investigation into my complaint. He advised that because there was no pulse from the cord when I arrived at the hospital, it was inevitable that our Son would die as once it stops, it can not be restarted again. He apologised that I was not advised of this by the MW at the time. This had been the main thing which had haunted me for weeks. The questions of was our son left to die, could he be alive today had he been monitored when we got to the hospital? The answer to both questions is no. From the time the cord came out to the time he died was 2 hours. The questions, did he suffer, did he know what was happening; no Doctor can answer but I may just ask the Consultant today anyway, just to see what he says.
I took a pregnancy test on Friday, of course it was negative but now I know that the moment I do get a positive, it’s the new pregnancy and no longer Bobby.
It’s our 11 year anniversary on the 2nd September and we are planning on going away for the weekend. The full plans are yet to be arranged/agreed on, but I think it’s what we need. I want to be able to turn off our mobiles and to be as far away from London to feel as though it’s just the two of us on our own, to re-jog our memories as to what it was like to spend time together and to actually have some fun. We used to have a lot of fun. I miss that most about us.
Right, back to work before payroll are on my case asking where these hours are.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
Looking Back Over Her Shoulder
We should have been twenty-nine weeks today. It just doesn’t seem real anymore. It honestly feels like I was never pregnant; as though I dreamt it all. That person I was back in February is someone I no longer recognise.
This person I once was, cried her eyes out because she couldn’t believe she was actually pregnant after 28 months worth of tears over the dreaded AF arriving.
The twelve week scan showed a healthy, long legged baby kicking away, jumping around like ‘he’ was having a rave at a house party and she couldn’t believe her eyes that that baby on that screen was her baby growing inside her.
A few more weeks passed and she started to feel the kicks. She got to know the baby’s pattern and she loved every single one as though it was the very first time she had felt it.
A few more weeks after that and the pelvic pains started but she brushed them off as growing pains. Bob was still kicking daily so all was ok as far as she was concerned.
Go forward another couple of weeks and her waters broke. She new deep down that they were her waters but didn’t want to believe it; surely if it was then she would be in labour right now … wouldn’t she?
She went to the doctors that afternoon and listened as he told her that no the waters had not broken but she knew deep down that they had and she kicked herself for not going to the hospital there and then but she was too tired to; so she accepted what the Doctor told her. She took herself back home and carried on as if everything was alright although she knew deep down they were not.
Two days later while waiting in the reception for the twenty week scan she knew something was going to happen and yet again she was right. She was told her baby was going to die all because of some stupid infection which she knew she had all along but brushed them off as growing pains. She knew that had she had come to the hospital just two day before things may have been different now.
Ten days she spent in hospital, bonding with her baby which she had known all along was a boy despite both scans not being clear enough to see. She started to gain a little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe her boy was strong enough to last a couple more weeks and then when he was old enough she would explain to him what a miracle baby he was, because despite everyone saying he was going to die, he didn’t. He had lived to prove them all wrong.
She knew on that Saturday she was discharged that she really shouldn’t be going home but she went because she wanted to prove everyone wrong. She went because she missed her surroundings and her OH and she was worried about money of all things.
She knew a week later when she started bleeding that something major was going to happen but that it was now too late to do anything about it. That the journey was finally going to end and that she had no choice but to sit back and go along with it all; because deep down she had always known that something was going to happen and never for one moment should she have got her hopes up that this time it would be any different.
She woke that Thursday morning to find the umbilical cord hanging there and she knew that she should have woken up in hospital that morning because had she stayed as she knew she should have, then they would have been able to do something straight away.
Despite being taken by ambulance and holding onto the umbilical for dear life to keep it warm, she was surprised that Bob’s heartbeat was pounding away. For the first time in twenty two weeks she finally had proper hope that maybe, just maybe he would become her miracle baby.
At 8:45am Thursday 2nd July 2009, as she suffered a panic attack while laying in the hospital bed still holding onto the cord trying to keep it warm; trying to keep Bob alive, she knew this was the moment that Bob had died inside of her. At 10:20am the ultrasound confirmed what she knew all along’ that here was no heartbeat.
Her little miracle had become an Angel and the one thing which she had been dreading for the past three weeks and which she had asked the M/W’s about during her ten day stay, was now going to happen.
21 hours after he had died and 16 hours after the induction started; he was delivered into silence. He was silent, the room was silent. The only noise in the room was that of her screaming and her OH sobbing away to her right hand side, his head buried deep into the side of the bed.
Sarah the Midwife confirmed that the baby was of course a Boy and life since then has become a blur of confusion, of guilt or what if’s.
I’m thankful I no longer recognise this person I write about above. This person and I have serious issues with each other which will never be resolved. Why … simply because this person did not stand up nor speak out when she knew something/someone was not right.
She went along with it all, instead of taking charge to protect her unborn Son and herself.
The new person I now see reflected before me every time I look into the mirror will stand up for what she believes in and she will never let anything like this happen to her or her family ever again.
This person I once was, cried her eyes out because she couldn’t believe she was actually pregnant after 28 months worth of tears over the dreaded AF arriving.
The twelve week scan showed a healthy, long legged baby kicking away, jumping around like ‘he’ was having a rave at a house party and she couldn’t believe her eyes that that baby on that screen was her baby growing inside her.
A few more weeks passed and she started to feel the kicks. She got to know the baby’s pattern and she loved every single one as though it was the very first time she had felt it.
A few more weeks after that and the pelvic pains started but she brushed them off as growing pains. Bob was still kicking daily so all was ok as far as she was concerned.
Go forward another couple of weeks and her waters broke. She new deep down that they were her waters but didn’t want to believe it; surely if it was then she would be in labour right now … wouldn’t she?
She went to the doctors that afternoon and listened as he told her that no the waters had not broken but she knew deep down that they had and she kicked herself for not going to the hospital there and then but she was too tired to; so she accepted what the Doctor told her. She took herself back home and carried on as if everything was alright although she knew deep down they were not.
Two days later while waiting in the reception for the twenty week scan she knew something was going to happen and yet again she was right. She was told her baby was going to die all because of some stupid infection which she knew she had all along but brushed them off as growing pains. She knew that had she had come to the hospital just two day before things may have been different now.
Ten days she spent in hospital, bonding with her baby which she had known all along was a boy despite both scans not being clear enough to see. She started to gain a little bit of hope that maybe, just maybe her boy was strong enough to last a couple more weeks and then when he was old enough she would explain to him what a miracle baby he was, because despite everyone saying he was going to die, he didn’t. He had lived to prove them all wrong.
She knew on that Saturday she was discharged that she really shouldn’t be going home but she went because she wanted to prove everyone wrong. She went because she missed her surroundings and her OH and she was worried about money of all things.
She knew a week later when she started bleeding that something major was going to happen but that it was now too late to do anything about it. That the journey was finally going to end and that she had no choice but to sit back and go along with it all; because deep down she had always known that something was going to happen and never for one moment should she have got her hopes up that this time it would be any different.
She woke that Thursday morning to find the umbilical cord hanging there and she knew that she should have woken up in hospital that morning because had she stayed as she knew she should have, then they would have been able to do something straight away.
Despite being taken by ambulance and holding onto the umbilical for dear life to keep it warm, she was surprised that Bob’s heartbeat was pounding away. For the first time in twenty two weeks she finally had proper hope that maybe, just maybe he would become her miracle baby.
At 8:45am Thursday 2nd July 2009, as she suffered a panic attack while laying in the hospital bed still holding onto the cord trying to keep it warm; trying to keep Bob alive, she knew this was the moment that Bob had died inside of her. At 10:20am the ultrasound confirmed what she knew all along’ that here was no heartbeat.
Her little miracle had become an Angel and the one thing which she had been dreading for the past three weeks and which she had asked the M/W’s about during her ten day stay, was now going to happen.
21 hours after he had died and 16 hours after the induction started; he was delivered into silence. He was silent, the room was silent. The only noise in the room was that of her screaming and her OH sobbing away to her right hand side, his head buried deep into the side of the bed.
Sarah the Midwife confirmed that the baby was of course a Boy and life since then has become a blur of confusion, of guilt or what if’s.
I’m thankful I no longer recognise this person I write about above. This person and I have serious issues with each other which will never be resolved. Why … simply because this person did not stand up nor speak out when she knew something/someone was not right.
She went along with it all, instead of taking charge to protect her unborn Son and herself.
The new person I now see reflected before me every time I look into the mirror will stand up for what she believes in and she will never let anything like this happen to her or her family ever again.
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