Looking Towards 2011

In the New Years Eve post of 2009 I reflected on the bad things which had happened that year; namely Bobby dying.

For 2010's New Years Eve post I have chosen instead to write about what is planned for 2011, about what 'good' I have planned for this new year and hopefully in doing so, it really will feel like a brand new year and not just an extension of the old one.

January is the month I have high hopes for. I am having my tonsils out on the 11th and so I have two weeks off work. I can not explain how much I am looking forward to having those two weeks off. I plan on spending some of this time finally finishing all of the little projects I started last year and having a proper spring clean of this flat. I have my hopes rested on by having my tonsils out it will get rid of this constant sore throat and head cold that I have had since May.

Once the recovery process is over, I am going on a diet, I am going to start going to the gym. I plan on losing the 2 stones I have put on since Bobby's pregnancy and death. If I can get back down to a size 12/14 I will be a very very happy woman.

In February I will have my first ever driving lesson. Scared shitless does not fully describe how I feel about getting behind the wheel of a big scary machine.

This month also sees both of my parents birthdays and two separate meetings with friends. One an afternoon lunch with a group of ladies I have been friends with since moving down to London 10 years ago and the other, is a girly weekend away staying with a very good Angel Mummy friend and her little girl; the same AM who came to stay here in November.

March brings another meet with a fellow Angel Mum but one whom I have yet to meet in 'real life'. Like many of the other Angel Mum's I am happy to call my friend despite never meeting, we met online via a support network. Unfortunately because we live on either end of the country, it has meant that we have had to wait until this time to arrange a proper get together. I think it will be a nice day. She is someone I have been waiting to meet in person for a long time.

It is also the month where the charity I am a part of gets to hold its own stall at a certain huge craft fair. Fingers crossed the weekend allows them to spread their word and that it works wonders for them.

April; the MILs' birthday and although I feel as though I am repeating myself, it brings yet another meet but this time with my Cousins and my Brother all of whom live up North and who are coming down here to London for the day.

May sees yet another meet, this time with old school friends back home. Friends who have been there before and since Bobby. My really old, really good friends.

It is also our parents 30th wedding anniversary during May and my second Race for Life run.

June brings my Brothers 26th birthday. Bless him.

July is the month of birthdays. It holds a very close AM's little boys 2nd birthday and her Rainbow Daughters 1st birthday. It is Bobby's 2nd birthday and my 30th. Due to his birthday being six days before mine and the fact that I am far from looking forward to turning 30, I am planning on taking two weeks off work and for the OH and I to go away somewhere. We haven't had a proper holiday since 2004 so we are well overdue to say the least. This is if I pass my probation at work which I will find out during this month.

August holds a friends little girls 2nd birthday.

September my Brother and I are running a half marathon in London and I plan to raise money for Lisa's Stars.

October ... who knows. I don't but hopefully it will bring something good. 

November is what would have been Bobby's 2nd proper birthday but I am not sure how I will feel on that day so I can not yet say what I will be doing on that day if anything at all.

December. Who knows what it will bring. I just hope whatever does happen, it will see us going into yet another new year feeling good about the one we will be leaving behind.

When Two Worlds Collide

What is the difference between grief and depression? Google says they can both be seen as the same and yet there is a slight difference. Those slight differences of what it lists I appear to have. Does that mean I have depression?

I have just called my Doctors but there is no answer. I need to see a Doctor. I need to speak to someone about going onto Anti Depressants. I don’t want to go on them and I have always pushed them aside when someone has suggested them in the past but feeling the way I currently do and having the thoughts I had while lying in bed last night; maybe they are the one thing which can help me.

Crying yourself to sleep while wondering what your OH would do if he found you dead in the morning next to him isn’t a healthy thing to imagine is it. That is more then just grief isn’t it. I know I wouldn’t go as far as to harm myself but that doesn’t stop the thoughts from being there. I can’t actually remember the last time I cried myself to sleep. Only when I am having my ‘sad days’ do I cry myself to sleep. I feel as though I am currently having a good few sad weeks, not days. I don’t mind the odd ‘sad day’ but this is something different.

I thought my feeling down was due to the up and coming Christmas period but I still feel the same as before it arrived. I am on my period, maybe this has contributed to it. I don’t know. I really don’t know anything anymore except that I feel ‘down’. I feel irritable with everyone. I’m nasty to my OH. I don’t want to speak to anyone; not even online. I can not be bothered. I would like to be left alone.

I am tired, really tired. Not only in body but also in mind. I could quite easierly fall asleep and not wake up. Despite not waking until 5:30pm the last two days I am still so tired. It feels as though no matter how much sleep I do get, it’s never enough and to top it all off; I was late for work again this morning by an hour and a half.

Nothing currently feels right in my head or body and I don’t know if it ever will again.

Christmas 2010

I’ve nothing much to write about.

It was nice spending a couple of days with my parents, Brother and seeing my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins but that was it. We ate, we played cards, we ate some more but there was something missing and our second Christmas since Bobby has made me realise that there always will be something missing. I’m never going to truly enjoy Christmas again, not even when we do have our Earth family because one member will always be missing.

There will always be an empty space under the tree where his presents should sit.

He would have been 13 months old now had things worked out. He would have had a little understanding of what was going on. Like the other babies on my old Birth Board he would have been able to unwrap his own presents, he would have smiled for the camera. He would have shared our Christmas dinner. Instead he spent this Christmas underground, with a wreath, Santa snow globe, a snowman candle and a mini silver tree as his presents. What 17 month old wants’ those things as presents.

We visited his grave on Christmas Eve for the first time since September and it was buried underneath the snow so much that you couldn’t make it out at first. Someone had walked over it because they had left footprints.

His stone still hasn’t been placed, 17 months on and the grave still doesn’t have a headstone. WTF are they going to sort it out and put it on?! We argued again, the same as we do every time we visit. Apparently I ‘hog’ the grave and want it done my way and I will not let my OH help me with it. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that, I am so used to doing things on my own when it comes to Bobby or being told ‘Its up to you’ when I ask his advice or opinion about what we should do, that I do automatically take over. This is his fault, not mine. He has made me that way.

We then got onto the subject of his photos. I asked him when he will look at his Son but he still refuses. I speak about how it would be nice to have a picture of him up but he replies that he doesn’t want him out on show and that he thinks it’s strange. He says if he came to someone’s house and they had their dead child’s photos out on display that he would think it strange and uncomfortable. This if course upset me; it made me wonder if he is ashamed of his Son despite the fact he has never seen him for himself. All I would like is one photo of him up in our bedroom on his self along with his teddies and his scan photos. I don’t want him scattered around the house, I would just like one photo. It’s not as though we have enough photos of him to put in every room anyway.

No matter what, photos are not what I really want; what I would really like is our 13 month old little man here now with us. What a completely different life it would be.

A Quick Chat

I haven’t done a proper blog post for what seems like ages but I need to get this down.

I have just been in my Boss’s office for a ‘quick chat’. I hate those kinds of chats because I know that the ‘quick chat’ really means ‘a boll *** ing’.

He says he is concerned about me, that he has noticed a few things over the past few weeks and how things need to improve in not only my attendance and my lateness but also in the work I do itself.

I seem distracted he said. People have been moaning about me behind my back he said. He can’t be seen to discipline the shop floor staff while I am seemingly getting away with coming in an hour late or forgetting to do simple parts of my job he said.

Silence

Ive been feeling a little run down the past couple of months, I keep coming out in colds I say. I’m constantly tired, I can’t physically get out of bed each morning, I do nothing when I get home except sit on the computer all night because nothing really matters, I said.

Silence

I don’t like this time of the year I said. Cue a chin rumble and a broken voice as I try to keep the tears in while slating myself in my head for even contemplating crying in front of this man. I have months where I am fine but something will trigger and I will feel down for a few weeks, I said.

Thankfully my boss knows what I am going on about so I don’t need to go into detail and his tone of voice changes as he says ‘it can’t be easy for you but you need to see it from my point of view’. With that he goes on to say that he wishes I would approach him before he approached me.

I would but I can’t, I said. I have trouble talking about it.

He is right though, this can’t carry on.

I know full well in my head that I can no longer hide behind others grief to mask my own and yet my heart is too afraid to reach out and ask.

I know full well that I need to unlock this volt inside and allow everything to empty out. I just need someone to help me do it.

I am so scared that once I start I will not be able to stop but it’s something I must do otherwise I will never be able to move on.

A Note to Heaven (7)

I love you xox

A Note to Heaven (6)

Hey Little Man.

Its been a month with no written words but everyday you have been in my thoughts.

It’s nearly that time of the year again isn’t it. So many people excited about what Santa is going to bring and yet all I would like is for you to be here, pulling at the Christmas tree and to see your little face on Christmas morning. This would have been your first 'proper' Christmas; you would have been old enough to know that something was different and yet it’s not the case is it, instead it’s just another ****ty year of acting false. Mummy to going to start her Christmas shopping today but would very much like to say 'bar humbug' to it all. I know I brought you a little something months ago but I wonder what else we can find for you today. What do 17 month old Angels like Bobby?

We will come visit you this weekend and place your tree and card on your grave as per normal. Would you like a balloon this year as well? It would make a nice change wouldn’t it? Let Mummy know which one you like when Daddy and I go shopping for one and we shall get it for you.

I hope you are ok up there Bobby and that you are being nice to all the new babies who are visiting. Please show them around and make them feel welcome, be a good little boy for us and a friend to them.

Love you lots and I always will.

Love Mummy xox

Angelversary Club

At the start of each month I will add a blog post specifically to remember all the Angels who's birthday or angelversary it is that month.

If you would like your Angel included please copy, paste and complete the statements listed below and email me the details at mummytoanangel@googlemail.com

USERNAME

FIRST REAL NAME

ANGEL'S NAME

DATE YOUR ANGEL WAS BORN

DATE THEY BECAME AN ANGEL

REASON FOR BECOMING AN ANGEL

MESSAGE TO YOUR ANGEL

A Note to Heaven (5)

Bobby,

Hey you, I hope you are ok up there. Ive been thinking about you more then normal recently and have been meaning to write to you but just haven’t had the right words. Mummy has been feeling a little down and confused lately and wishing you were here more then ever.

You most probably know already but you’re Daddy and I nearly split last night and even though we both agreed we are not good for each other, for some reason we just can’t take that last step to be apart. This really is our last chance and I really do not know what is going to happen; I’m feeling a little lost right now. I’m sorry to put this on you but you always seem to be around most when Mummy is upset or thinking of you, it would be nice to have a little sign that things will eventually be ok.

You were at Elizabeth's 1st birthday party on Saturday weren’t you little man. Jo knows you were too. You loved that little TV so much that you had to play with it at the exact moment both Jo and I thought about you separately; maybe Mummy will buy you one for Christmas if you liked it that much.

I love you Bobby I really do. Please ignore all the stupid stuff Mummy does and know that you are in my messy thoughts all the time.

Love Mummy xox

A Note to Heaven (4)

Dear Bobby

Hello little man, Mummy needs to write to you tonight because she is missing you extra special at this moment in time.

Its the night before Bonfire; the night you should have been born. Had things worked out as they were supposed to do, you would have turned the big one today. How things could/should have been so different.

This time last year I had booked the day off work and Daddy and I had left you a lovely red balloon and your rose made of feathers at your grave.

This year, I am sat here indoors on my own as your Daddy has gone fishing, with the TV on in the background, the sound on mute with my i-pod in my ears, with the intention of escaping the world through the words of the music blaring into my ears.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that I miss you and even though I haven't left you a balloon this year, you have been in my thoughts all day long and you will continue to be until my eyes finally close at bed time.

Love Mummy xox

20 Things This Parent of an Angel Wishes You Would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Bobby. The truth is just because you never saw him in person does not mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about Bobby and I cried, you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Bobby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you would talk about Bobby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Bobby. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Bobby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Bobby; the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Bobby never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 6 months.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act anymore and I will never ever be "over it" or him.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Bobby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is I may get used to it with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you would think of Bobby as a baby and not just a pregnancy loss. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, a heart, a body, two legs, two arms, a beautiful face, black eyebrows and ten tiny finger and toe nails. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have smelt his skin, I have felt his weight in my arms. My baby was a real person.

13. Bobby's due date, his birthday, Christmas and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Bobby) on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing Bobby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated and you will have a very long wait. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me". Maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace my Bobby. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Bobby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am more often than not left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women and new babies is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad and I hate myself even more for having these feelings.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify the fact that Bobby is gone.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you guarantee that my next baby will be healthy? How can you guarantee that I will have another baby when we suffer from fertility issues? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Above all else, please remember that this is the worst thing that has and will ever happen to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy but my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

4 years ago today ...

we started an exciting journey.

That journey has taken us through so many emotions and yet here we are, 4 years down the line, in exactly the same spot as when we first started this now horrid journey.

Sometimes I wonder when and if it is ever going to happen for us. The further along the months and the years go by and the more success stories I hear from others all around me, the more it feels as though I am destined to be looking on from the outside for the rest of my life.

I have just had a little cry as I'm now having to buy a Clear Blue Digital on eBay because pregnancy for us doesn't just happen 'like that' as it appears to do for so many others.

I love my Angel and will do so forever and am thankful or all that he has taught me and the friends he has brought me, but I do not want to just be known as 'the one who lost her baby' for the rest of my life.

I would like to be blessed with one of each.

One little Earth baby will do.

Why is that so hard to achieve?

A Note to Heaven (3)

Bobby,

I thought I would write to you tonight because I don’t know, I’m feeling a little 'humph'. I can’t quite place my finger on this feeling. Let down I guess, that is the best word to describe it.

I very nearly deleted your GTS page today Bobby and I’m sorry for having that thought. Its not that I wanted to hide you from people but certain comments have made me realise that no one fully appreciates you for you apart from me. No one looks at your picture and sees you how I see you; my handsome little man, with his Daddy’s nose and your tiny black eyebrows. None of them held you in their arms and had the privileged of taking you all in and feeling your weight in their arms. I can’t believe I very nearly deleted your page just because of someone’s ignorance.

Sometimes I feel as though people view you as just a picture on a screen or a story they can tell their friends about.

Infact thinking about it clearly now, I’m going to take your picture down from all sites and I’m going to have you all to myself to admire and appreciate. F**k everyone else.

A Note to Heaven (2)

Dear Bobby

I so wanted to start this off by asking how your week has been but how silly a question is that. A fellow Angel Mummy once typed that a thousand years on Earth is just a days worth in Heaven; I hope that statement is correct.

You’re Daddy and I have been having some trouble this past month. I don’t know if it’s been a long time coming and we have been ignoring it but we are trying to make things work. Money as always is at the route of our problems, sometimes I wonder if we will ever be ok in that department or if it will be like this forever. I hope it works out Bobby because Id like to stay with your Daddy and give you a little brother or sister to look after and the other stuff which 'normal' people do. Not that we are 'normal' though aye, things will never be normal again.

Anyway enough of that, its Baby Loss Awareness Week this week and Wave of Light on Friday - our 2nd one. It’s amazing how quickly it’s gone isnt it. This time last year I hadn’t even heard of the week let alone the day and now it’s become another annual day to be remembered. I wonder how many friends or family will remember you on Friday Bobby. I really hope they do.

I also have a hospital appointment on Friday with the ENT Specialist to talk about this lump in my neck. Hopefully they will agree to go ahead and remove this one as they did the last and all will be back to normal again. Here’s hoping. I want to ask you to look over me but I dont want to put that pressure onto you, I should be looking after you, not you after me.

Well its time to say another goodbye net wise Bobby. Maybe this will become a weekly thing and hopefully it will get easier to type out the more emotional side. Who knows.

Love you lots as always Bobby, speak to you soon Little Man.

Love Mummy xox

A Note to Heaven (1)

Dear Bobby

I have no idea where to start or what to say because as you know Mummy isn’t the best with her emotions when it comes to you. Speaking about you to others in a logical sense is easy but speaking about you as my Son and our hopes and our dreams is another thing altogether. I hope you can forgive me for that. What started off as a way of coping is now a bad habit which I can not break. One I am too scared to break.

It feels strange typing to you now after all this time. Remember when I used to write to you every couple of weeks while you were still in my tummy and I would tell you all about your mad family and moan to you about my horrible ex-boss and prepare you for your Daddy's strange ways. I miss those innocent days Bobby. I miss even more so your kicks and the instant bond we shared.

I had this image of you while pregnant of you being a naughty little chap when older and that image still stands now. I bet you are the one who goes around kiss chasing all the girls and playing in the dirt with the boys. At the same time I know you are making it your business to welcome all the new Angels in and let them know they are ok. You would have had such a good life Bobby - I truly hope you are having fun where you are now.

I love you so much Little Man - so much more so then some stupid words on a screen can express. I feel you around all the time and don’t think I don’t see your little messages. I can not wait to become your 'proper' Mummy when the time is right but until that day; behave yourself and be safe in the knowledge that you are eternally loved.

Love Mummy xox

I Am The Face

Bobby's story has been added to the Faces of Loss - Face of Hope website today.

Its a great site to show that you are not alone.

Ponderment

‘The pain of bereavement has been compared to that of losing a limb. It doesn't come back, you will always miss it but you also learn to adapt to living without it.’

It’s been said many a time before that grief is a strange thing and how right that statement is. How do you know you are still grieving when you look and feel ‘normal’. Do you ever really stop grieving for someone just because you do not cry for them every day. What makes one persons grief more plausible then another. Is it possible to ever ‘get over it’ if you ‘give it time’.

These are just some of the questions going around in my head at the moment. Feeling ‘normal’ has caused this confusion and mass guilt trip I am currently experiencing. Most of us cant wait to feel ‘normal’ again yet no one tells you that when that time does arrive, so does the feeling of guilt that maybe you are starting to forget your Angel and the lessons their death has taught you. If in order to cope you got to the mind frame that their death ‘happened for a reason’ and maybe that reason was to change you and your perspective on life – now that you and your life are starting to get back to normal – does that mean their death was in vain. Did their death really teach you anything at all. Do you really become a better person through a loved one’s last breath.

I remember feeling a strong sense of empowerment a little while after the shock had eased. I had a strong sense that nothing could stop me from achieving what I now wanted to do because at the end of the day, if I could survive giving birth to a sleeping baby then I could survive anything life had to throw at me. I wanted to do something with my life to make him proud, and yet ten months on; reality is that none of those things have happened.

There is a huge difference between ideas and actions and it takes a lot of time and effort to put your ideas into action. Yes grief does make you stronger but it can also disable you in other areas which until you go there, you did not know the fear existed.

What exactly is the point of life. The only guarantee you have is that you will die; everything else in-between is either due to pure luck or hard work. Do we have a role to maintain or are we just here for the hell of it – no pun intended.

Visit from an Angel

If a fairy or an angel came to you and said you were allowed to go back to the past, what things would you change to make it a better future for you? If you change nothing, why?

This is quite an apt Theme Of The Week for my first one considering what this blog is all about. Quite a few things enter my head when I read this question but they are all superficial and if it wasn't for those awkward moments in life taking place, then I would never have been lead to this moment in my life now or a year ago.

The only thing which I wish I could go back and change is that I would have gone to the hospital as soon as I suspected something was wrong with the pregnancy. If I had done that I am pretty sure that the infection would have been caught and treated and that I would now have a happy, playful 5 month old boy in my life, instead of memories and a grave to visit. However; if he had not have died I would not have met some of the most loveliest women out there and I would not have had my eyes open to so many new experiences.

I would still happily trade all of that for my Son though.

Another Failure

Last Thursday 25th I got another BFP or a LFP as I called it because the line was extremely faint but it was there on three tests. It was called a little miracle given to me from Bobby by many who I told but looking at it now I don’t think it was from Bobby at all because Bobby wouldn’t make his Mummy upset and cry on purpose. I was woken yesterday morning with extremely strong cramps and quite a lot of blood and clots all of which are still present today. I may well have been pregnant for a very short time but I am not now. I won’t lie, it hurts like hell. I really believed that we were given another chance and I even thanked Bobby on the way to work Friday but looking back, I should know full well that miracles don’t happen to people like me. They never have done so why would they start now at nearly 30 years old. At this point in time I again feel like a failure and feel that I am never going to get to be a proper Mummy to a live baby. Instead I have to carry on wearing this huge shield which I have built up over the past 8 months, a shield of which, up until yesterday worked quite well. I’ve come to rely on this shield a little too much of late but I'm no longer sure just how long its going to keep working, especially now that my BF has fallen pregnant by accident and that everyone else around me is on the path to taking their babies home or have already managed this amazing feet of which I seem incapable of doing. I understand this post sounds extremely selfish and 'poor me' but I really don’t care. I am understandably going to keep feeling like this until I either work out what the hell it is that I have done that is so wrong that I am being punished for it or, my body miraculously decides one day that I am a good enough person to be given the title of 'Mummy’. I really hope my body decides quickly before it’s too late.

Old Birth Board Charity Cook Book

I have just had a nose at my old Birth Board to catch up as I sometimes do, and I have come across this post from one of the Admins.

A few of the ladies on the board put together a Baby Centre Cook Book with all proceeds going to a few baby charities. Gratefully I have been given one as a keepsake and it sits in Bobby's Memory Box.

I can not believe how much these ladies; many of whom I have never met in real life have done for myself and the other ladies who lost their little ones on that board. They truly are a lovely bunch of women.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've placed the final order for recipe books and the totals are in (I haven’t posted them obviously but I’ve posted enough to know what the postage will cost)

We have sold 136 books (that includes the ones we gave to Lucy, Lauren and Lisa for their memory boxes) and we have raised:

A WHOOPING
£480.55

I'll make that up to £482 just to make it simpler for splitting.

So each of our charities Tommy's and Bliss will receive £242 in memory of our Angel Babies.

Can I say a HUGE thank you to everyone who contributed recipes and to everyone who bought a copy of this very very special book.

I hope you all have as much fun cooking the recipes as I’m having and when you sit down for a meal take a second to remember the much loved babies we lost.

WELL DONE EVERYONE!

Tasha

Bobbys First BFP Anniversary

On the afternoon of Sunday 1st March 2009 we got a very much longed for and long awaited BFP. I knew from that moment that the 2nd little pink line would change my life forever but not quite in the way that it went on to do so. I’ve told this story so many times before so I will try to keep it brief, however, no matter how many times it’s told; it is still part of my Son's story. I was at my parents that weekend because my Brother had brought his OH down to meet us for the first time. Infact it was the first time he had brought any girlfriend home so it was quite a big deal. I had drank a bottle of JD the night before so feeling quite emotional just before going to bed, it triggered that I had not yet started my AF. Despite wanting to be pregnant, every time I had really thought about being pregnant, I had cried. Don’t get me wrong the whole idea of pregnancy was lovely but in reality it scared me. My Mum came in to say goodnight and caught me crying. After a few back and forth of 'Im fine', 'Are you sure, you don’t look fine', 'Yes Im fine really' I finally gave in and explained that my AF was late and after a couple of drunken cries of 'Im scared. What if Im rubbish?' she agreed to go out the following morning and buy me a test. I took one of the tests the next day just before we were about to sit down to dinner. Expecting it to be negative as it had been the previous 23 times, I saw the 1st pink line and instinctively threw it in the bin without waiting for the next line to appear. While packing my bags ready for the trip home in a couple of hours time, something in my head told me to double check the test. I ignored it for a little while longer but while no one was looking I went to the bin and got it out. There were 2 lines. I got the other test out of my bag and re-read the instructions. It was then I realised it really was positive. The only emotion I felt then was numbness and I remember my heart beating extremely quickly in my chest. Dinner was called and I made conversation while all the time weighing up should I tell them now and take the spotlight from my Brother or should I wait until I got home and call them. Could I even wait that long? As it turned out I managed to keep it in until I was grabbing the last of my stuff from the spare room and my Brother came in to grab some stuff too. He asked if I was ok and I told him but I made him promise not to tell our parents. We hugged, he said 'well done' and he drove me home. We were living with Steve's Mum at the time so when I got home I made conversation with the MIL and popped upstairs to our room and immediately asked Steve for a hug. While we were hugging I muffled that I was pregnant, too afraid to look up to see his reaction. His reaction was a little 'Oh'. We kept cuddling for a while longer, like we were too scared to face each other but eventually we did and we laughed and then immediately afterwards we went on to DTD for fun for the first time in over 2 yrs. It felt strange DTD, not wondering afterwards if it had worked its magic. It felt kind of free. The next morning before work I took the remaining test and yet again a 2nd little pink line came up. The rest as they say is history.

And so the TTC Journey Begins ...

Yep.

Seven months and fouteen days since our Son died; on Friday *far TI* we finally started trying all over again.

Despite it taking 28 months to fall pregnant with Bobby I am slightly more confident about the length of time it will take to fall with his Brother or Sister and I am adamant that I will not turn into a TTCGizzla.

Why? As silly as it seems; and I'm not holding onto this reason as 'given' but it has given me some hope, I have had two separate card readings by two separate ladies and the first said I would fall pregnant in December or have a baby in December and the second said I would conceive in either March or April; meaning I would be due in December/January.

Which year of December/January I don't know lol but I pray for a miracle that it is this year!

Until then I shall continue to plod along with life, relax and breath lots.

Weekend Away

Time for another post me thinks.

I remember when I first started this blog, I was typing away almost every day while at work either moaning about work or worrying about the pregnancy and then when I lost Bobby this was where I came to lay everything out on the table so to speak. It was the only place I could truly say what I was thinking without the fear of people thinking I was going mad.

I am at this moment, personally proud that the posts on this blog are now being posted a week or two apart because it means there is less mess going around within my head.

Today I am feeling quite good. Tomorrow I may not so today I will document it so that it is proof that there have been good days.

The OH and I have made some progress emotionally. After a lot of nagging from him over the past couple of weeks and strange behaviour on Valentines Day, it all came out in the open Monday daytime. So much so that a few texts were sent between us while the both of us were in tears.

It was a strange time to finally open up about his emotions and fears but he did and it has helped us both to take another small step forward. Opening up has clearly helped him to go about his daily business without being in a mood and it has allowed me a tiny glimpse in to his head.

He confessed to still crying over Bobby most days. He confessed that he thinks he has depression but he is still not at the stage where he will talk to the Doctor about it and ask for help. He has even said that he is nearly ready to look at his photos.

I bought Bobby a new memory box yesterday. The one I bought after he first died was bought in haste and I haven’t been happy with it for some time but yesterday I came across the perfect one. It’s cream in colour with light blue butterflies on it and little handles on the side. It’s lovely.

It is my Dad's 50th Birthday this Sunday. My Brother, his OH and us two are driving down there tomorrow night and we are taking him out for the day on Saturday as a surprise. Dad is a bit of a train freak; not quite spotter material but getting there, so we have booked 1st Class tickets on an old Steam Train and we can all spend the day going from station to station, having a picnic and watching him in his element.

That night we shall be going around to our Aunt and Uncles house and on Sunday ten of us will go out for a Sunday roast.

I'm really looking forward to it TBH. I haven’t seen my parents since Christmas and I wont get to see them until at least June/July.

On another note, I am currently making a 'Nanny's Day Card'; something Ive never made before so its hit and miss at the moment in preparation for Mothers Day. Just like I'm still a Mummy she is still a Nanny.

Reading (3)

Fertility reading using the Robin Wood Tarot Deck.

I was drawn to choose an Angel card from the Archangel Michael deck that I have and I also did a chakra clearing for you Lucy, as well as doing the normal fertility spread. I hope this is ok that I did this?

I used a clear quartz pendulum to show me how your chakras were working and those that were blocked, I then asked the pendulum to clear the blockage to help the energies flow better. I don't know if you know much about the chakra system, but to mention briefly that there are seven main chakras that we all have. All but two of yours were blocked. The heart chakra in particular was very stuck and took three goes to clear it and get it running smoothly again. You may notice that your energy levels are different, either better, or you may feel more tired. You may feel also feel slightly more emotional than normal, or you may feel nothing at all! All of these reactions are normal and are the stuck energies starting to clear, a bit like when you do a detox.

As I was shuffling the Angel cards, two flipped out which I took as the Angels choosing which cards and their messages they wanted for you :-)

The first card is called “Go forward fearlessly” This card shows that the Angels are supporting you in making changes and to not be afraid of moving forwards and leaving old hurts behind. The prayer with this card says “ thank you for walking with me every step of the way, for holding my hand, giving me confidence and courage, and guiding my thoughts and actions in the direction of love and my true life's purpose,”

The second card is called “your inner guidance is real and trustworthy” This card says that your angels know you are feeling uncertain or confused and that they are saying it is ok and safe to move forwards. The prayer on this card says “ please help me clearly hear, see, feel, and know the divine guidance that I have asked and prayed for. Allow me to keep my ego out of the way so your wisdom can come streaming through me for my own benefit and for those around me.”

I choose three cards for your fertility reading Lucy. The first card relates to how things have been for you in the recent past and affecting you just now. This card is the six of Pentacles and shows a card of giving and generosity. There is a sharing and kindness here that I feel is showing that you have been doing a lot of giving and sharing that has helped and benefited others perhaps, as well as helping you too. It is a rather lovely, gentle karmic feeling of being able to help others that is bringing so much back to you now. This giving has been totally selfless though and not given with the intention of looking for return at all and so there is a lovely feeling of this return bringing with it a healing in a way?

The next card, the four of Wands, shows other factors affecting you in the present moment. This card is quite a peaceful card showing that just now, you are just going with the flow and comfortable to be where you are at and happy with the status quo in a way? Despite this, you are perhaps without even realising it, continuing to put down roots and strengthen your security and foundations around you in your home and family life. Things are slowly beginning to change and preparing you for taking the next steps forwards in creating your happy home.

The last card is the eight of Swords and shows a possible future pathway for you. Now this card shows me a lot of fear and stress but it is fear that is in a way, in your own mind. It is like you have put a blindfold on and are more fearful of what you think is around you and ahead of you than the truth actually is? I sort of feel like maybe there is even a bit of guilt there? Fear and guilt has a way of crippling us from taking steps forward and of what the future may bring, but I do feel that you will find a way to shake this off and break free of these thoughts and feelings. What is blocking you, you will overcome and you will find your confidence again! You will begin to feel more empowered and strong enough to take steps forward. It is like you will search your inner self and find the strength to break free of negativity that holds you back. So from a dark place hidden behind the blindfold, you will feel strong enough to look forward and allow yourself to begin to feel happy again x

I used my rose quartz pendulum to ask about a future pregnancy for you. It said there would be a pregnancy for you this year and that conception may take place in the months of March and April and that there would be a girl for you. The cards I drew to support this was the seven of Wands, which to me, means a spring conception and the two of Swords being a female energy, so also showing a girl for you!

Love and light x

Cant Think of a Title

I thought this a good time to write a journal after seeing tons of posts on the net about the 'One Born Every Minute' programme *rolls eyes*.

Having read some of the comments from the ladies I'm feeling quite tearful from just seeing the comments, let alone the sights and sounds of the programme; I knew I was right to avoid it like the plague. Thankfully my OH is watching 'Last Woman Standing' so there was never a chance of watching it anyway.

A simple programme of something which happens every single day is yet more confirmation that there are still some things I must avoid in order to keep my sanity. There is no point in punishing yourself for no reason.

A strange thing happened in the early hours Sunday morning. After Goggling myself - as in my screen name not my real name - I came across a link to this blog on 'a real-time search engine for breaking news and topical content' (or so it says).

Having clicked this link it took me through to a Norwegian woman's Twitter page. Very random. She had linked to this blog commenting; 'been reading this blog, I'm crying my eyes out.'

It’s strange because despite having had a personal blog since 2004 its the first time I’ve ever seen anyone link to it. It’s a whole different feeling from receiving a comment on a post. It’s quite strange when you know a stranger has been so affected by your words on their screen that they link to it in order to share it with their friends or contacts. Its also quite a hard hitting reminder that as soon as you hit the Save or Post button, your inner most thoughts or emotions are no longer your own.

I'm not quite sure where this post is going in all honesty ...

Seeing her reaction to my words has got me thinking; if she felt the need to cry her eyes out over something which a stranger on the web has written then just how bad was it for us to have lived through? I actually can not remember the intensity of that pain anymore. I know that sounds strange but it makes perfect sense in my mind.

As much as the bad days come and sometime stay; its not until I'm forced to remember how bad that period of time was straight after we lost him, do I truly realise just how far I have come.

I don't want Bobby's short life and death to be in vain. Before he was conceived I was always in the mind that 'everything happens for a reason'.

Seven months down the line; I still cant find that reason, so instead of keep looking for something of which I might never find, I have woken up to the fact that I should instead 'do' something to make that pain worthwhile.

Unfortunately, I don't have a clue what or how ...

Suggestions in the Box please

Thought this a good time to write a journal after seeing tons of posts on BC about the 'One Born Every Minute' programme. Having read some of the comments from the ladies I'm feeling quite tearful from just seeing the comments, let alone the sights and sounds of the programme; I knew I was right to avoid it like the plague. Thankfully my OH is watching 'Last Woman Standing' so there was never a chance of watching it anyway. A simple programme of something of which happens every single day is yet more confirmation that there are still some things I must avoid in order to keep my mind well. There is no point in punishing yourself for no reason after all. A strange thing happened in the early hours Sunday morning. After Goggling myself (not my real name - I'm not that sad nor was I that bored - on my chat screen name and another I have used for many years) I came across a link back to his blog on 'a real-time search engine for breaking news and topical content' (or so it says). Having clicked this link it took me through to a Norwegian woman's Twitter page. Very random. She had linked to my web page commenting; 'been reading this blog, I'm crying my eyes out.' Let me reiterate; very random. It’s strange because despite having had a personal web page since 2004 its the first time I’ve ever seen anyone link back to it. It’s a whole different feeling from receiving a comment on a post on a chat board. It’s quite strange when you know a stranger has been so affected by your words on their screen that they link to it in order to share it with their friends or contacts. Its also quite a hard hitting reminder that as soon as you hit the Save or Post button, your inner most thoughts or emotions are no longer your own. I'm not quite sure where this post is going so I apologise... Seeing her reaction to my words has got me thinking; if she felt the need to cry her eyes out over something of which a stranger on the web has written then just how bad was it for us to have lived through it? I actually can not remember the intensity of the pain anymore. I know that sounds strange but for some reason it makes perfect sense. As much as the bad days come and sometime stay for an hour, 8 hours, 2 days whatever; its not until I'm forced to remember how bad that period of time was straight after we lost him, do I truly realise just how far I have come. I’ve wanted to post the following on the PAIL board for a good couple of weeks now but I’ve never really found the right way to ask or bring it up so as I'm now just rambling, maybe this is the place to do it. I don't want Bobby's short life and death to be in vain. Before he was conceived I was always in the mind that 'everything happens for a reason'. 7 months down the line; I still cant find that reason, so instead of keep looking for something of which I might never find, I’ve woken up the fact that I want to instead 'do' something to make the pain worthwhile. Unfortunately, I don't have a clue what or how... only time will tell.

Control

Why is it that when things look like they are picking up, things suddenly go pear shaped?

Why is it that everyone around me seems to have more control over my life then I do?

I am currently temping and I have been temping at different places since January 2008. I have gone into every temp job with the mind set to impress, to treat the job as I would a permanent one in the hope that it would impress those around me enough to keep me on permanently.

The last place I temped at was my local Council. I was there for six months and we were in talks about making me permanent and then less then a week later; the company goes through a restructure and stop all recruitment. Luckily I managed to get a full time permanent job elsewhere but they sacked me three months down the line, weeks after telling them I was pregnant.

Because of this I was out of work from fifteen weeks until less then two weeks after Bobby died, when thankfully this current position came along and I really thought this might be it. Its 15 mins down the road and I love it here. I love the people. I even love the work. I have had a feeling all along that this could be the place I finally settle into. The job I could fall pregnant in and return after my maternity.

Three weeks ago however, a woman who has been on maternity leave for the past eighteen months came back. Her position is currently filled by someone else so; as she is only working two days a week, we are now job sharing. The two days she is here I am working in a different department.

Yesterday we had a surprise visit from the top bosses in Head Office. The company is going through a restructure and lots of positions are being deleted and those staff who positions are going, have to reapply for their jobs elsewhere.

The women who I am job sharing with, the job she was doing before maternity and of which she still gets paid for; is one of those positions being deleted. This means she automatically falls into my role should she want it.

If she does then I am out. If she doesn’t then I have to apply to become a permanent member of staff.

I honestly feel like the last six months I have spent here have been a waste of time. What is the point of me going into a temp job full heartily when I get nothing back?

I'm tired of working toward something, only for the finishing line be moved further away the closer I get.

Why can I not be one of those temps who doesn’t give a crap, who literally comes in, does their work and goes home? Why do I always end up getting attached to the people and the place only for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me? In fact, why can I not be like those who are happy to sit at home, popping out babies left right and centre sponging off the Government?

Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong. Maybe that is the life I was destined to lead and because I went against it, fate is trying its hardest to grind me down until I give up and go that way. *Thinks* Oh no I forgot I cant even manage the popping out of babies part can I?! FFS!!!

I am tired of having no control.

Our landlady has control over whether or not she wants to renew our contract. My OH has control over when we start TTC and therefore when we finally get to be a proper family. My temp agency has control over whether I earn money or not and determine where I go next. Bobby’s death confirmed that I do not even have control over my own body.

When will I finally be given an overdue and down right deserved break and be allowed back into my own frigging life?!

Progress

The OH and I had a talk yesterday about the way our relationship is going and how to overcome certain objects we are finding hard to deal with. He says that he is stressed about money but once that starts to pick up one way or another he will feel better about him, us and our future. He says he wants children but wants to be able to provide for them and us first because he doesn’t want the extra worry.

Money to him is a big thing and tb, if we ever have a problem, its normal to do with money. Considering we have been together 11 years we don’t really argue and have never ‘had a break’ etc so I know we are meant for each other and will be together until one of us decides to join Bobby in the sky.

I asked him if he thought he may be depressed and he paused and said ‘maybe’. I asked if he would consider doing something about it like going to the Doctors or speaking to someone but as I expected he fobbed both off. I can’t talk though as I have done exactly the same in the past.

So that’s it. I am leaving it now and see what happens within the next month. Im going to concentrate instead on the next four weekends which are full of visits to friends, my Dad’s 50th Birthday and a friends Baby Shower. Plus I think this is a good time to get back into shape and lose this extra two stones I have put on in the past nine months.

On another note, our flat is up for renewal at the end of February and thankfully our landlady is happy to extend it for another six months.

Work wise; the company I temp for are going through a restructure and a lot of people are going, however, my role is one they can not get rid off and the lady who is currently job sharing with me two days a week must reapply for her position (my current one) and I know that she does not want to come back full time as she is addicted to her baby so, *fingers crossed* she wont reapply and the job will automatically go to me which means it will then become permanent. *Double fingers crossed!*

I have just called my hospital to request all of my notes and letters from my Maternity Book. It wasn’t until after a thread on the support network I am part of that I realised I wanted a copy of everything; right from the first visit to the very end. Maybe it will put some ghosts to bed and help my mind compute what happened.

Back to Reality Once More

My last journal post seems like it was written an eternity ago. Reading back on it Im glad it does considering what I had written.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks in ‘hiding’ if truth be told. I needed some space to get my head back together and to give myself the time to step back from anything baby related or real life related for that matter.

I spent that time away from the internet reading. A lot of reading. Infact Id read on the way home from work and after dinner all the way up until 2am when I realised I needed to go to bed in order to get up the next day for work. Last weekend I only stopped reading to cook and eat dinner. I did nothing at all but live in the world of Vampires and Werewolves and it was very much what I needed.

I wonder now if I maybe had a little breakdown but I am in control of it. Last week and the week before I wasn’t; but I am now. I am afteral still learning to live with my new life with the new me.

I know that I have to start looking forward instead of reliving July on a daily basis. I need to get back to talking to my friends and start to socialise once more before I loose them completely. I can’t keep living in the shadow of the 3rd of July 2009.

It’s my OH’s 39th birthday tomorrow. I haven’t asked him how he feels about it and I'm not going to because I don’t want to make him think about it but if the truth be told, I feel a little sad for him. It would have been his first birthday as a Daddy. Because of this I'm determined to make it a special day for him and to make sure he doesn’t have time to dwell on this fact.

I asked him a couple of weeks ago in general conversation that if he could chose a perfect birthday, what would happen. He said he would like to wake up to a McDonalds Breakfast, go out for the day shopping and then come home to his favourite home cooked meal and maybe finish the day with a bit of the other. Luckily for him I'm a very good girlfriend and I have set the day up so that everything on his list is achieved; not that he knows this yet.

Six Month Angelversary

I have spent a lot of today crying and it’s made me realise that I have a problem.

I have been feeling down within myself for a while now and its only after not getting out of bed until 5pm today after getting up at 2pm, crying, having an argument with the OH and going back to bed again only to wake up and cry some more; I think I may have some form of depression of which I need to get a control over.

OH and I have been arguing a lot this weekend, which we never do unless something is seriously wrong and what he has said to me has made me realise how distant and selfish I have been when he needs support too.

He says that I have seemed down for the past two months especially and he is right. This weekends argument started all because he wanted me to put a pile of washing away which had been sitting in the bedroom for over a month; I flew off the handle putting him down with nasty words and all because I couldn’t be bothered to put it away.

In all honesty I can not be bothered to do anything anymore. I haven't even got washed today. I don't get out of bed at the weekend until the afternoon unless I have a reason to get up. Even then I resent it when I have to go out of the house. Its ok popping to the shops because we live next door to a Tesco, but even then I will go in there without makeup, in my tracksuit which I have probably slept in and I no longer look forward to meeting up with friends because I would rather spend all day indoors at home doing nothing.

I was told off at work on NYE due to my constant lateness and also due to the fact that I have shown up on the 'overuse of the internet' tracker by IT who have reported it to my Manager. As I am a temp I really can not afford to lose my job so I know the time has come to sort myself out. I don't want to end up losing my job, my social life nor my OH.