Breakdown In Communication

I guess it was inevitable but I had a little breakdown at work this morning. I’m not proud, I know it doesn’t look good as no one should bring their drama to work with them but it’s been made worse by the fact that I’m only temping here. Oh well, so much for trying to make a good impression. Instead I must look like a mental case.

My only saving grace is that a couple of the people I work with know about Bobby so they were sympathetic.

The morning began with me waking up 20 minutes before I should have been at work and then the OH and I had an argument; a pretty bad argument to be honest. I left for work, turned my mobile off and turned up an hour late. When I arrived I was already trying to hold the tears in. I sit at a reception desk and as usual there was a constant a flow of engineers coming to and from my desk. This morning everyone kept asking me how I was which made me feel worse until eventually the tears flowed.

A short while after, I turned my phone on to find 3 text messages from my OH obviously still reeling from the morning’s argument. Feeling the tears welling up I went to the toilet to reply back and for the first time since Bobby’s death, I explained in the text exactly how I felt. How I cry myself to sleep each night, how I know I’m a cr * p girlfriend at the moment, how I’m tired emotionally and physically, how my heart aches so much because I miss my Son and how all I want is for us to be a family, how all I want is for things to be ‘normal’ again. He replied explaining he also couldn’t sleep, he constantly worries about things; work, money, us. The end of his text read; ‘I too think of Bobby everyday and wipe away a tear’.

This is the first time we have properly talked about our inner most true feelings and we did it via stupid text message. I now realise why everyone keeps telling me that communication is very important at this time.

As I have mentioned previously, it is our 11th Anniversary next week and we will hopefully get to spend the weekend together.

Looking back, I realise that since Bobby, we have not spent a single weekend together without either someone coming around or the both of us are off doing our own thing. I have spent the last three weekends around friends or families houses while he’s off fishing with his.

If we are going to make it to 11 year mark, then we need to start spending some time together.

I really hope we make it.