2009 The Year That Was

2009.

The biggest and longest twelve month roller coaster I have ever ridden on in my 28 years on this planet.

31st December 2008 I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was sat on my MIL's bed with the laptop funny enough on my lap, in the process of closing down my TTC blog which had been up and running for over a year. We had been living at the MIL's since August 2008 after our landlord kicked us out due to him and his partner being pregnant. As the OH had recently started his new business and I was temping, we stayed there while saving for a new flat and to give us a break.

We had earlier that month been told that despite not falling pregnant for over two years, the tests had shown nothing wrong with us fertility wise. We were labelled as having 'unexplained infertility'.

I made a promise to myself that night that I would forget all things babies and instead concentrate on living life as the 27 year old that I was instead of the 'I cant do that in case I'm pregnant' that I had spent so long doing.

January 2009 I dropped a dress size due to a new diet and I started taking the Iron Tablets and Folic Acid suggested by the Doctor in order to help our cause.

February I found out that my current temporary job with the local Council was coming to an end and I somehow managed for the first time since December 2007 to get myself a permanent job less then a week after posting my CV onto Monster. A week later we received news that we could move into the flat we liked. All we needed now was a BFP and it would make it three in a row.

March I was at my parents for the weekend due to my Brother bringing his new girlfriend home for the first time. Four days late on my AF and the night after drinking a bottle of JD, my Mum popped to Tesco's to buy some tests. I read the first test and threw it in the bin. A few moments later a little voice in my head questioned if Id read it correctly, so I retrieved it from the bin and there it was; a BPF. My initial reaction was to cry. Not only because it was such a shock but because it was real and I was so so scared! I kept the result to myself over dinner as I didn't want to take the moment away from my Brother. Once home I told the OH who's only reaction was 'Oh' and we hugged. My Mum called to ask what the result was and of course she became obsessed there and then.

May Bank Holiday Everything seemed to start to go down hill from this point. That day was my last day at work after they sacked me less then five weeks after telling them I was pregnant.

June 15th My waters broke to an infection at 19+5 and on the 17th at the 20 week scan we were told our baby would die.

July 2nd The umbilical cord prolapsed and Bobby was born on the 3rd at 5:48am weighing 460gs at 22+2 days.

Two out of the three things which normal people take for granted had gone within a matter of months.

Our Son was buried on the 14th July and that was it. It was over. I cant explain the feeling of knowing that you are a Mummy but there being no baby to look after. Even though your mind knows that the baby has gone and it will never come back, I will never forget the feeling of my body craving to love and nurture and it took a lot of effort both emotionally and physically to get past that stage.

I spent the next couple of months trying to find myself again and trying so hard to get to like the new me and of course trying to stop the guilt that my body had killed a perfectly formed human being.

Thankfully I also discovered new friends via the baby networking site I was already a member of while pregnant and at the same time I also realised just how loved I was by my existing friends. I know I will never be able to fully repay them for their continued support.

November Bobby's due day finally arrived. A day that was dreaded but in the end it wasn't as bad as the build up. One of which I will never forget due to the overwhelming feeling of peace I felt all around us. I took the day off of work and we spent it together as a family. There were lots of hugs, a visit to his grave and bizarrely a disagreement over which balloon to chose.

December finally arrived and again Christmas wasn't as bad as expected. It should have been the best Christmas ever but instead it was 'just' Christmas. A day of eating, talking and of course trying to work out who killed Archie Mitchell {Ben Mitchell} I shared my grief of losing Bobby with my Aunt who had only three weeks before lost her Mum to Cancer. In a strange way it was nice to have someone else there to share the sadness with.

31st December today. I somehow find myself in full circle.

I am again going into a new year without a baby but this time I am a Mummy.

I am again going into a new year in a temporary job but I'm ok with that because unlike some people in this world I have a job and it’s a job that I like.

We are still living in our little flat which is one more thing then we had last year.

The last AF of 2009 arrived yesterday but I am comfortable with that because I know that once it has finished, the start of our brand new TTC journey begins.

Goodbye to you 2009, the worst year of my life.