I went to the first session of counseling this afternoon and I can honestly say, don’t think I will be going back.
I’m not sure what I was expecting from it TBH, maybe I was hoping that by talking to her it would take the pain away or even bring him back. Stupid I know but you live in hope.
I sat there for an hour either talking rubbish or not being able to talk through the tears and snot, and then not being able to say what I wanted to say through the fear of crying again and not being able to stop. If it wasn’t the tears, snot or fear of speaking; we were sitting in silence and there is nothing that a hate more than awkward silences with strangers.
I did however walk away finally realising that no matter how much I talk about him or who I talk to him too; no matter how many memorial sites I set up for him or however many tears I shed for him, it will never bring him back. My little man is gone and there is nothing myself or anyone else can do about it.
I already know that as the years go by he will always remain a baby. Dying so young has somehow turned him into a ‘Peter Pan’ figure in my mind. He will always be my ‘what should have been boy’.
Crazy as this sounds; I worked out today that he would be turning 18 in 2027 and now all I can think about is that when that day comes, will I think of him as a young man or as a baby? Will I go out and buy him a grown up present or a soft toy still? Will the pain hurt just as much then as it does now?
What has hit me the most is that he will never get the chance to go to school; he will never go on to fall in love and get married, all the little things which Earth parents take for granted every day.
Being inside my body is all that he will ever know.
The pain of missing my Angel is currently worse than that of death itself.
Thursday, 24 September 2009
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Forty Four Days
In forty four days time I should have been getting prepared to become a proper Mummy to a living baby. Instead as the days go on I am getting ever more stressed that my OH, despite it being his idea to pin point my most fertile days, isn't wanting to BD. It feels like he is keeping me from becoming the Mummy of which I so want to be.
I'm also finding that I'm coming onto the wwww less and less. I think it is because as the days go on I am finding it more easier to deal with Bobby's death and I am therefore not getting what I need out of it anymore.
I do know that I am stuck in no-mans-land. I'm not pregnant and yet I am a Mummy to a baby of which I can not hold, feed, change, nor play with. The majority of the posts I now read on my old Birth Board I no longer feel a connection with despite that site being my saving grace during my pregnancy and during/after his death. I instead find myself reading the same sad posts about m/c's or BFP's and my emotions go from one extreme to the other. In all honesty I feel quite lonely within this giant world.
I have my first counselling session this Thursday. I know there is a lot of bottled up emotion deep down inside so I'm expecting to shed a few tears but as I’ve never been good at letting go, I wonder how long it will take to all come out.
All I want is what thousands of women every day achieve without even thinking of trying; a family to call my own. Why is that so hard?
I'm also finding that I'm coming onto the wwww less and less. I think it is because as the days go on I am finding it more easier to deal with Bobby's death and I am therefore not getting what I need out of it anymore.
I do know that I am stuck in no-mans-land. I'm not pregnant and yet I am a Mummy to a baby of which I can not hold, feed, change, nor play with. The majority of the posts I now read on my old Birth Board I no longer feel a connection with despite that site being my saving grace during my pregnancy and during/after his death. I instead find myself reading the same sad posts about m/c's or BFP's and my emotions go from one extreme to the other. In all honesty I feel quite lonely within this giant world.
I have my first counselling session this Thursday. I know there is a lot of bottled up emotion deep down inside so I'm expecting to shed a few tears but as I’ve never been good at letting go, I wonder how long it will take to all come out.
All I want is what thousands of women every day achieve without even thinking of trying; a family to call my own. Why is that so hard?
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Reading (2)
Yes another. This is my way of finding answers maybe?
For this reading I used both the Major and Minor Arcana, in a Celtic Cross spread.
This reading had a very clear theme running through it. I hope you like your reading and you get something out of it and it makes some sense to you. Ok here is what happened in your reading;
The first card represents what is present.
I drew the Wheel of Fortune. This card represents cycles. Our lives are a forever turning wheel of happy/ prosperous times, moving into times of sadness and less favourable circumstances. This card is here to give you a reminder that although life can be horrific it will not stay that way forever. The card represents change and that change is here. This card also reminds us how we respond to the change is important as to whether you move forward or get stuck in a negative place, searching for answers that will keep you locked there. As I said the wheel in all our lives turns whether we want it to or not. We make our own future and we can only do that when we are willing to move from one part of the cycle to the next.
The second cared represents the difficulties you face.
I drew the Knight of Pentangles. This card shows worries of a material nature. Whether this be money or possessions. As the card is drawn here in the reading this suggests a time of hard work is needed to achieve your goal. This card shows me you are more than capable of success, and these difficulties will be short lived.
The third card represents what is up most in you mind.
The card drawn was King of Wands. This card shows me you are thinking a lot about something exciting and can’t wait to get started on it. The card represents inspiration and optimism for your new project. The card suggests success as the king of wands is not a person to give up, however when you have achieved what you set out to do you will be satisfied and then quickly move onto the new. He represents a person who doesn’t sit and appreciate his work, but moves on to the next thing on his list if that makes sense.
The fourth card represents what is moving out of your life.
The Knave of pentangles. The Knave cards do not hold a particular meaning, but rather an essence of meaning. They do however strongly reflect potential. OK the suit represents perseverance and determination. As the card was drawn at this point I feel it would mean the time of difficulty (card 2) is now ending as you have worked hard. As I stated before the time of difficulties would be short lived and this card again suggests this.
The fifth card represents what is behind you. (recent past)
The 6 of Pentangles. This shows a time of kindness from others. The number 6 means harmony and balance, warmth and security. I feel that is what the loving action of those around you have brought into your life. You have been surrounded by such good energy from those who know you and those who don’t. This card reminds us to remember the kindness of others and when others are in times of need give back a little of what you received. Also to remember those actions when you feel you are alone. I feel this is something to carry with you as you live your life, it will help you and others alike.
The sixth card represents what is before you. (immediate future)
The 3 of Wands. The number 3 represents growth and movement. The number is also linked to the start of new projects. I feel this is linked with the exciting project I talked of before. The card marks completion of the first phase. Now to the suit…. The wands signify Again completion of that first phase, bringing with it satisfaction. The card also tells of a need to do more though, this will be to carry on with your project successfully. This is a positive card as it states you will get what you want, just keep going.
The seventh card represents where you will find yourself (near future)
The 7 of swords. Firstly the number 7 is the number of wisdom, expansion and reflection. This shows there will be a time you find yourself thinking a lot, about what has been and what is yet to come. This will be quiet thinking that you will not broadcast to others around, but sort of a private personal time of thought. The Swords represent again thinking inwards. This also warns not to become aggressive to those around you or act hostile. I think your time of reflection will be to work out your issues in a way that you can talk about them without snapping.
The eighth card represents How other see you.
Justice. This shows you to be a very balanced person generally. You have lots of good qualities that others can see quite plainly. This also suggests you can balance your emotions well, of course the balance gets tipped at times but that happens with everyone, you should remember your not superwoman lol. People will see you as someone who they can turn to easily as you are not rash with judgement.
The ninth card represents Hopes and fears.
The 10 of cups. The 10 represents an end to a cycle just before a new one begins. The suit cups represents again reward after effort and hard work. As this card was drawn here I would be inclined to say its this that both worries and excites you. As in your not afraid to do the work its just the outcome that you are both excited yet terrified of. I feel you are in constant argument with yourself, getting excited over the outcome but then smashing it down again with worries and negatives. The only thing I can really say here is, because of this reading and all its favourable outcomes to matters that needed work. I feel you are worrying unnecessarily. As I said before it will happen you just need some faith and support to calm down all those negatives. Easier said than done I know.
The tenth card represents Outcome.
This was the final card to be revealed, I drew The 9 of swords. LOL! Sorry this last card has made me smile and giggle. I love how the tarot will do this!! Ok… The number 9 the number of resurrection and gathering things together before completion. The Swords. Thoughts of impending doom are NOT realised. Fears and doubts are much worse than the true situation. So as I was saying above Lol. This card is again urging you to have faith! Things are set to being favourable. You are in a good phase of your present cycle to realise those goals you have, and you are holding yourself back in a way. As I also said its so easy sat on the outside saying “come on girl you can do it!” when its not actually me facing the doubts and other conflicting emotions. I just really do hope you get what you want and can move forward.
END OF READING.
I hope you have enjoyed your reading and can relate to what the cards have told me. It was a pleasure reading for you and hope there is something of use to you in there. Thanks again for volunteerin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For this reading I used both the Major and Minor Arcana, in a Celtic Cross spread.
This reading had a very clear theme running through it. I hope you like your reading and you get something out of it and it makes some sense to you. Ok here is what happened in your reading;
The first card represents what is present.
I drew the Wheel of Fortune. This card represents cycles. Our lives are a forever turning wheel of happy/ prosperous times, moving into times of sadness and less favourable circumstances. This card is here to give you a reminder that although life can be horrific it will not stay that way forever. The card represents change and that change is here. This card also reminds us how we respond to the change is important as to whether you move forward or get stuck in a negative place, searching for answers that will keep you locked there. As I said the wheel in all our lives turns whether we want it to or not. We make our own future and we can only do that when we are willing to move from one part of the cycle to the next.
The second cared represents the difficulties you face.
I drew the Knight of Pentangles. This card shows worries of a material nature. Whether this be money or possessions. As the card is drawn here in the reading this suggests a time of hard work is needed to achieve your goal. This card shows me you are more than capable of success, and these difficulties will be short lived.
The third card represents what is up most in you mind.
The card drawn was King of Wands. This card shows me you are thinking a lot about something exciting and can’t wait to get started on it. The card represents inspiration and optimism for your new project. The card suggests success as the king of wands is not a person to give up, however when you have achieved what you set out to do you will be satisfied and then quickly move onto the new. He represents a person who doesn’t sit and appreciate his work, but moves on to the next thing on his list if that makes sense.
The fourth card represents what is moving out of your life.
The Knave of pentangles. The Knave cards do not hold a particular meaning, but rather an essence of meaning. They do however strongly reflect potential. OK the suit represents perseverance and determination. As the card was drawn at this point I feel it would mean the time of difficulty (card 2) is now ending as you have worked hard. As I stated before the time of difficulties would be short lived and this card again suggests this.
The fifth card represents what is behind you. (recent past)
The 6 of Pentangles. This shows a time of kindness from others. The number 6 means harmony and balance, warmth and security. I feel that is what the loving action of those around you have brought into your life. You have been surrounded by such good energy from those who know you and those who don’t. This card reminds us to remember the kindness of others and when others are in times of need give back a little of what you received. Also to remember those actions when you feel you are alone. I feel this is something to carry with you as you live your life, it will help you and others alike.
The sixth card represents what is before you. (immediate future)
The 3 of Wands. The number 3 represents growth and movement. The number is also linked to the start of new projects. I feel this is linked with the exciting project I talked of before. The card marks completion of the first phase. Now to the suit…. The wands signify Again completion of that first phase, bringing with it satisfaction. The card also tells of a need to do more though, this will be to carry on with your project successfully. This is a positive card as it states you will get what you want, just keep going.
The seventh card represents where you will find yourself (near future)
The 7 of swords. Firstly the number 7 is the number of wisdom, expansion and reflection. This shows there will be a time you find yourself thinking a lot, about what has been and what is yet to come. This will be quiet thinking that you will not broadcast to others around, but sort of a private personal time of thought. The Swords represent again thinking inwards. This also warns not to become aggressive to those around you or act hostile. I think your time of reflection will be to work out your issues in a way that you can talk about them without snapping.
The eighth card represents How other see you.
Justice. This shows you to be a very balanced person generally. You have lots of good qualities that others can see quite plainly. This also suggests you can balance your emotions well, of course the balance gets tipped at times but that happens with everyone, you should remember your not superwoman lol. People will see you as someone who they can turn to easily as you are not rash with judgement.
The ninth card represents Hopes and fears.
The 10 of cups. The 10 represents an end to a cycle just before a new one begins. The suit cups represents again reward after effort and hard work. As this card was drawn here I would be inclined to say its this that both worries and excites you. As in your not afraid to do the work its just the outcome that you are both excited yet terrified of. I feel you are in constant argument with yourself, getting excited over the outcome but then smashing it down again with worries and negatives. The only thing I can really say here is, because of this reading and all its favourable outcomes to matters that needed work. I feel you are worrying unnecessarily. As I said before it will happen you just need some faith and support to calm down all those negatives. Easier said than done I know.
The tenth card represents Outcome.
This was the final card to be revealed, I drew The 9 of swords. LOL! Sorry this last card has made me smile and giggle. I love how the tarot will do this!! Ok… The number 9 the number of resurrection and gathering things together before completion. The Swords. Thoughts of impending doom are NOT realised. Fears and doubts are much worse than the true situation. So as I was saying above Lol. This card is again urging you to have faith! Things are set to being favourable. You are in a good phase of your present cycle to realise those goals you have, and you are holding yourself back in a way. As I also said its so easy sat on the outside saying “come on girl you can do it!” when its not actually me facing the doubts and other conflicting emotions. I just really do hope you get what you want and can move forward.
END OF READING.
I hope you have enjoyed your reading and can relate to what the cards have told me. It was a pleasure reading for you and hope there is something of use to you in there. Thanks again for volunteerin.
Friday, 18 September 2009
Fortune Teller Reader
17th September
This is a long post so you might want to make yourself a cup of tea and grab a pack or two of biscuits.
Firstly she asked me to shuffle half a pack of cards and to separate them into three piles. I then had to do the same with the other half and then put them into one pile.
As well as the cards, she also asked me to pick out three ribbons from a pack and to hold onto them all the way through the reading.
She started the reading by saying that the cards showed I had gone through a lot of crap recently; her words not mine. The majority of my cards were past cards, which meant that I was currently stuck in the past and finding it hard to move on. She could sense a feeling of sadness around me.
The two strongest cards I had chosen where:
• From the past – the Tower which signifies that a major event has happened but it was paired with the Strength card – she said I am a strong woman.
• From the future - the Escape card with the number 3. She said that I will eventually walk away from a relationship which will lead to my freedom
Emotions:
• She said that I am currently very low and so is my self esteem. She said that I feel that I have been let down by those around me who should have known better and that I am sad because I have failed in something of which I shouldn’t have.
• She said that I am currently going through a stage of self discovery. I am trying to find the true me. I am going through some kind of healing and that while doing this I am also helping to heal others. She said that she can see me going away somewhere to ‘find myself’, which will work at the time but when I arrive back it will disappear.
• She said that I have just come out of a black cycle but the future is good and there will be a lot of change to happen. She kept coming back to me walking away and finding my freedom.
Career:
• She mentioned that I have either just come out of a Financial job or that I am going into one.
• She said that in January I will know for sure where my career is heading but I have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to my career. She said that now is the time to concentrate on my current skills and use them to my advantage.
• She mentioned that I have thought about going down the path of a councilor or something which will heal others.
• The name Keith is very important to my career.
Relationships/Babies:
• She said that my current partner plays his cards very close to his chest and that I often walk on egg shells round him. She said that she could sense deceit between the two of us and a lack of communication. She said that he doesn’t always tell me everything.
• She mentioned that I have troubles with my cycle and that I am worried that this will affect any pregnancies but this is nothing to be worrying about.
• She said that she sees boys in my future. I will have either a son or twin boys within the next 12-14 months BUT she can not guarantee that that will be with my current partner.
• She then asked me if I had ever thought about leaving my current partner as the Escape card was very dominant.
• She said that I will also receive a proposal in 7 months or 7 years. The number 7 was important.
Misc:
• She said that she can see a woman called June and the month of Aug.
• I have two strong Leo’s in my life. One a women who is currently a good guide for me and the other is a man who will either be prominent in my career or he will be my next partner.
• I will be moving again in May apparently.
• I am to be aware of a Sagittarius woman and now is a good time to realise who is good and who isn’t around me.
• She also mentioned that someone I know who is overseas will send me some shocking news.
From the ribbons I chose:
• Red signifies Strength
• Purple signifies Spiritual
• Silver is a typical Cancerian colour
She mentioned my Granddad on my Dad’s side in the spirit world although he is alive but she did say that from the ribbons she could pick up a lot of Spirit activity.
Overall she was 98% correct in everything she said and those who know me well, who I have told have also agreed. Here is looking forward to a better future!
This is a long post so you might want to make yourself a cup of tea and grab a pack or two of biscuits.
Firstly she asked me to shuffle half a pack of cards and to separate them into three piles. I then had to do the same with the other half and then put them into one pile.
As well as the cards, she also asked me to pick out three ribbons from a pack and to hold onto them all the way through the reading.
She started the reading by saying that the cards showed I had gone through a lot of crap recently; her words not mine. The majority of my cards were past cards, which meant that I was currently stuck in the past and finding it hard to move on. She could sense a feeling of sadness around me.
The two strongest cards I had chosen where:
• From the past – the Tower which signifies that a major event has happened but it was paired with the Strength card – she said I am a strong woman.
• From the future - the Escape card with the number 3. She said that I will eventually walk away from a relationship which will lead to my freedom
Emotions:
• She said that I am currently very low and so is my self esteem. She said that I feel that I have been let down by those around me who should have known better and that I am sad because I have failed in something of which I shouldn’t have.
• She said that I am currently going through a stage of self discovery. I am trying to find the true me. I am going through some kind of healing and that while doing this I am also helping to heal others. She said that she can see me going away somewhere to ‘find myself’, which will work at the time but when I arrive back it will disappear.
• She said that I have just come out of a black cycle but the future is good and there will be a lot of change to happen. She kept coming back to me walking away and finding my freedom.
Career:
• She mentioned that I have either just come out of a Financial job or that I am going into one.
• She said that in January I will know for sure where my career is heading but I have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to my career. She said that now is the time to concentrate on my current skills and use them to my advantage.
• She mentioned that I have thought about going down the path of a councilor or something which will heal others.
• The name Keith is very important to my career.
Relationships/Babies:
• She said that my current partner plays his cards very close to his chest and that I often walk on egg shells round him. She said that she could sense deceit between the two of us and a lack of communication. She said that he doesn’t always tell me everything.
• She mentioned that I have troubles with my cycle and that I am worried that this will affect any pregnancies but this is nothing to be worrying about.
• She said that she sees boys in my future. I will have either a son or twin boys within the next 12-14 months BUT she can not guarantee that that will be with my current partner.
• She then asked me if I had ever thought about leaving my current partner as the Escape card was very dominant.
• She said that I will also receive a proposal in 7 months or 7 years. The number 7 was important.
Misc:
• She said that she can see a woman called June and the month of Aug.
• I have two strong Leo’s in my life. One a women who is currently a good guide for me and the other is a man who will either be prominent in my career or he will be my next partner.
• I will be moving again in May apparently.
• I am to be aware of a Sagittarius woman and now is a good time to realise who is good and who isn’t around me.
• She also mentioned that someone I know who is overseas will send me some shocking news.
From the ribbons I chose:
• Red signifies Strength
• Purple signifies Spiritual
• Silver is a typical Cancerian colour
She mentioned my Granddad on my Dad’s side in the spirit world although he is alive but she did say that from the ribbons she could pick up a lot of Spirit activity.
Overall she was 98% correct in everything she said and those who know me well, who I have told have also agreed. Here is looking forward to a better future!
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Guilt
At the time of Bobby’s death the following seemed the best thing to do however now, looking back and hearing what other Angel Mummy’s did, I would like to change some things please.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
Monday, 14 September 2009
The Next Step?
Well I have finally done it.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
Friday, 11 September 2009
How Are You?
This is an open ended question of which I get asked daily.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Cant Cope Anymore
As it’s now only 57 days until what would have been Bobby's due date I am becoming increasingly upset with every visit to baby forum I am a part of.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
This Time Today ...
2 Months Ago: Bobby became an Angel.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Back To Life. Back To Reality
The bank holiday is over and we are back to reality.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
OH and I ended up staying this long weekend on the South East Coast with one of his friends. The idea was to use his place as digs to sleep and he would pretty much leave us to it but as first thought it didn’t exactly turn out like that. It wasn’t exactly the nice quiet, relaxing, romantic break away that I had hoped for. We even had an argument on Sunday and we didn’t do any BD at all, not that there was much opportunity to do it.
I don’t know why I expected it to be any different. We have come back home to the same crap; debts, small dark flat, no money because we spent it all on the weekend, arguments. We may as well have stayed at home and saved the money.
Being away has made me realise though how much time I spend on the internet and it has to be cut down. It has also made me realise how much I really do want another baby, which kind of contradicts what I have written above as surely if we are going through a rough patch then the added strain of TTC a baby is the last thing we need, but a part of me feels that the reason we are now at this stage is because we do not have a living baby. A part of me feels that a new pregnancy may just bring a part of the old us back. I have a strong feeling I may be living in dream land though.
We visited Bobby’s grave yesterday for the first time since he was buried. It’s just a pile of dirt at the moment as its waiting to settle, so it felt a bit odd standing over it. I didn’t feel comfortable being there. There was no sense of peace like my Nan and Granddad’s grave has always had. I hope that changes once the earth has settled and the grave is turfed over.
Despite the lack of BD I am a day late on my AF. Not that I’m worried as it’s the only the second one since his death and I’m not expecting my cycle to go straight back to 28 days any time soon. I will give it until the end of the week and see if she calls or not. If not and the stick says ‘nooo don’t be silly, you have to be BD in order to get pregnant’ then I shall send out a search party.
It’s our 11th anniversary tomorrow. I feel like I’ve been saying that for ages. We were planning on having a meal but we had a fairly expensive one on Saturday night so we decided to instead go to the cinema and watch a film {funny enough} but it turns out the one we want to see doesn’t come out until Friday, so after all that we will probably get a takeaway and do b * gger all. No surprises there then.
I just hope he remembers to buy me a card. I may make myself one and leave it out for him to put his name to though, just in case.
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