At the time of Bobby’s death the following seemed the best thing to do however now, looking back and hearing what other Angel Mummy’s did, I would like to change some things please.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
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Unfortunately, we never know the "right" thing to do. No matter how much you tried, there will always be regrets. You took pictures, but you regret not taking enough. You held the, but you regret not holding them enough. I know it doesnt ease the guilt, but you were trying to do what your mind thought was best without having any game plan. No one researches the "best" way to handle a baby dying before their child dies... We have no instructions and often nurses and doctors dont know how to help either. They live in the world where they can make a difference and when they cant... It traumatizes them too and makes them useless in helping with the parents' grief.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through LFCA while looking for blogs of others who have been through losses (we lost our baby girl almost a month ago).
ReplyDeleteThat last paragraph you write speaks very much to how I'm feeling right now. I still cry everyday, but I feel like I'm getting further away from it. I haven't had a down on the floor, whole body shaking, kind of cry in several days, and it scares me too, even though I, like you, think about her non-stop.
I hit "post comment" too soon. I also wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I hate to see anyone else going through this pain...I know all too well how awful it is.
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