A Change In Direction

It’s been over a week since I last wrote anything down and I’m taking that as a good sign. I only tend to write if something is bothering me, or if there are things I need to get out of my head in order to make room for other soon-to-be niggles.

I can not pin point the exact moment this happened but I feel like I am slowly getting back in control of my life again. At this moment in time I no longer feel as though the world is out to get me, or that my life is going no where because I am no longer pregnant nor that I do not have my baby alive in my arms. This is a very good but at the same time very strange feeling. Good, because I can now look towards the future, strange I guess because I was getting used to being the one whose baby died and having a routine as to when I would cry or get upset about things. It’s not nice not being in control of your own mind nor emotions.

I still cry most nights, but it’s only when I picture our first and last meeting. I imagine him back in my arms and his surprising heaviness for such a young baby. I guess getting to the stage where I can think of him and smile is a way off but I don’t mind waiting.

I went to the Doctors a couple of weeks back to ask them to test me for any infection and they did so by testing both my blood and my urine. Annoyingly the urine sample shows that I still have an infection so I am currently on a course of antibiotics which will hopefully get rid of this nasty thing once and for all.

My Doctors received my blood results back on Wednesday but when I called to ask them for the results, the receptionist explained that I needed to speak to the Doctor as one of the bottles has come back with something. The Doctor however isn’t around to talk to me until next Monday. I’m expecting it to be Anemia as this is something of which I have suffered from on and off for many years and have to regularly take Iron tablets for. No problems there. If it’s not Anemia then I’m thinking it may be Diabetes as that was one of the other things they tested for and it runs strongly in our family. I can only wait and see what the Doctor says on Monday.

In the mean time, I have the whole weekend to myself as the OH is away fishing. He leaves this afternoon and comes back on Sunday and I’m really really looking forward to having the house to myself. I’m looking forward to watching what I want on TV, to being on the internet for as long as I like without being disturbed, eating crap, drinking lots of Diet Coke, sleeping a hell of a lot and I may even go as far as to not getting dressed for one whole day; I doubt I could get away with that but I will give it a damn good try. One thing I will be doing for sure though is to visit my little man’s grave.

Speaking of which, it is now Thirty Three days until what would have been our due day; 4th November. I have booked work off that day, as it’s on a Wednesday and on Tuesday this week I reminded my OH. I had wanted to talk to him for a while about it but something had been stopping me from doing so.

We have both agreed to go out somewhere for the day and release a balloon. I explained the theory behind writing a message on the balloon and sending up to heaven, but because he is a man he went ahead and explained the physics in this not being physically possible! He has suggested sending the balloon off over the sea while I would rather we send it off over his grave; I guess we could do both if we really wanted.

Until that day arrives though, I can not predict how I will feel or confirm what will happen in regards to the balloon but it’s just another thing we will deal with when it eventually arrives.