Tears of a Clown

I have just spent the past hour crying.

My head is banging, my cheeks are boiling, my eyes are swollen and my chest is as tight as hell. I cried all the way through my dinner and even impressed myself by managing to eat it all; snot included. I wouldn't however, recommend trying to swallow chips while your throat is contracting through a cry as it is quite painful.

I knew this huge episode was coming as it has been building up inside of me for a good week now. I’ve been managing to get away with the odd little tear rolling out every odd day here and there but now despite feeling and looking like I have been in the boxing ring, I'm glad its been and gone.

The crying initially started while sitting here on my own this evening in front of this computer screen trying to find the correct wording to a note I was in the process of sending to a group of friends. This group of friends in particular are my school friends who I meet up with twice a year because we live in different parts of the country but we always meet at Christmas.

It was planned that we meet this Saturday coming but I have thought about nothing else for a good while now and have decided for the first time not to go. This note was to explain my reasons to them.

I love these ladies dearly as we have all been friends since we were 10 years old but despite this, I found myself masking my reasons for not going. I wanted to tell them it’s because my heart is broken but I cant.

Now that December has finally arrived I have woken up to the fact that I can not bring myself to pretend to be excited that Christmas is around the corner. I can’t be bothered to dress myself up to 'party'. I am scared of drinking alcohol because I know that it will inevitably bring me to tears. I'm tired of pretending that all is OK and that I am this strong person everyone tells me I am.

I'm not strong. I have instead through my loss learnt to become a bloody good actress.

Santa, if your reading; forget the books, CD's, make up or jewellery. I would simply like my baby here for Christmas please.