Control

Why is it that when things look like they are picking up, things suddenly go pear shaped?

Why is it that everyone around me seems to have more control over my life then I do?

I am currently temping and I have been temping at different places since January 2008. I have gone into every temp job with the mind set to impress, to treat the job as I would a permanent one in the hope that it would impress those around me enough to keep me on permanently.

The last place I temped at was my local Council. I was there for six months and we were in talks about making me permanent and then less then a week later; the company goes through a restructure and stop all recruitment. Luckily I managed to get a full time permanent job elsewhere but they sacked me three months down the line, weeks after telling them I was pregnant.

Because of this I was out of work from fifteen weeks until less then two weeks after Bobby died, when thankfully this current position came along and I really thought this might be it. Its 15 mins down the road and I love it here. I love the people. I even love the work. I have had a feeling all along that this could be the place I finally settle into. The job I could fall pregnant in and return after my maternity.

Three weeks ago however, a woman who has been on maternity leave for the past eighteen months came back. Her position is currently filled by someone else so; as she is only working two days a week, we are now job sharing. The two days she is here I am working in a different department.

Yesterday we had a surprise visit from the top bosses in Head Office. The company is going through a restructure and lots of positions are being deleted and those staff who positions are going, have to reapply for their jobs elsewhere.

The women who I am job sharing with, the job she was doing before maternity and of which she still gets paid for; is one of those positions being deleted. This means she automatically falls into my role should she want it.

If she does then I am out. If she doesn’t then I have to apply to become a permanent member of staff.

I honestly feel like the last six months I have spent here have been a waste of time. What is the point of me going into a temp job full heartily when I get nothing back?

I'm tired of working toward something, only for the finishing line be moved further away the closer I get.

Why can I not be one of those temps who doesn’t give a crap, who literally comes in, does their work and goes home? Why do I always end up getting attached to the people and the place only for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me? In fact, why can I not be like those who are happy to sit at home, popping out babies left right and centre sponging off the Government?

Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong. Maybe that is the life I was destined to lead and because I went against it, fate is trying its hardest to grind me down until I give up and go that way. *Thinks* Oh no I forgot I cant even manage the popping out of babies part can I?! FFS!!!

I am tired of having no control.

Our landlady has control over whether or not she wants to renew our contract. My OH has control over when we start TTC and therefore when we finally get to be a proper family. My temp agency has control over whether I earn money or not and determine where I go next. Bobby’s death confirmed that I do not even have control over my own body.

When will I finally be given an overdue and down right deserved break and be allowed back into my own frigging life?!

Progress

The OH and I had a talk yesterday about the way our relationship is going and how to overcome certain objects we are finding hard to deal with. He says that he is stressed about money but once that starts to pick up one way or another he will feel better about him, us and our future. He says he wants children but wants to be able to provide for them and us first because he doesn’t want the extra worry.

Money to him is a big thing and tb, if we ever have a problem, its normal to do with money. Considering we have been together 11 years we don’t really argue and have never ‘had a break’ etc so I know we are meant for each other and will be together until one of us decides to join Bobby in the sky.

I asked him if he thought he may be depressed and he paused and said ‘maybe’. I asked if he would consider doing something about it like going to the Doctors or speaking to someone but as I expected he fobbed both off. I can’t talk though as I have done exactly the same in the past.

So that’s it. I am leaving it now and see what happens within the next month. Im going to concentrate instead on the next four weekends which are full of visits to friends, my Dad’s 50th Birthday and a friends Baby Shower. Plus I think this is a good time to get back into shape and lose this extra two stones I have put on in the past nine months.

On another note, our flat is up for renewal at the end of February and thankfully our landlady is happy to extend it for another six months.

Work wise; the company I temp for are going through a restructure and a lot of people are going, however, my role is one they can not get rid off and the lady who is currently job sharing with me two days a week must reapply for her position (my current one) and I know that she does not want to come back full time as she is addicted to her baby so, *fingers crossed* she wont reapply and the job will automatically go to me which means it will then become permanent. *Double fingers crossed!*

I have just called my hospital to request all of my notes and letters from my Maternity Book. It wasn’t until after a thread on the support network I am part of that I realised I wanted a copy of everything; right from the first visit to the very end. Maybe it will put some ghosts to bed and help my mind compute what happened.

Back to Reality Once More

My last journal post seems like it was written an eternity ago. Reading back on it Im glad it does considering what I had written.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks in ‘hiding’ if truth be told. I needed some space to get my head back together and to give myself the time to step back from anything baby related or real life related for that matter.

I spent that time away from the internet reading. A lot of reading. Infact Id read on the way home from work and after dinner all the way up until 2am when I realised I needed to go to bed in order to get up the next day for work. Last weekend I only stopped reading to cook and eat dinner. I did nothing at all but live in the world of Vampires and Werewolves and it was very much what I needed.

I wonder now if I maybe had a little breakdown but I am in control of it. Last week and the week before I wasn’t; but I am now. I am afteral still learning to live with my new life with the new me.

I know that I have to start looking forward instead of reliving July on a daily basis. I need to get back to talking to my friends and start to socialise once more before I loose them completely. I can’t keep living in the shadow of the 3rd of July 2009.

It’s my OH’s 39th birthday tomorrow. I haven’t asked him how he feels about it and I'm not going to because I don’t want to make him think about it but if the truth be told, I feel a little sad for him. It would have been his first birthday as a Daddy. Because of this I'm determined to make it a special day for him and to make sure he doesn’t have time to dwell on this fact.

I asked him a couple of weeks ago in general conversation that if he could chose a perfect birthday, what would happen. He said he would like to wake up to a McDonalds Breakfast, go out for the day shopping and then come home to his favourite home cooked meal and maybe finish the day with a bit of the other. Luckily for him I'm a very good girlfriend and I have set the day up so that everything on his list is achieved; not that he knows this yet.

Six Month Angelversary

I have spent a lot of today crying and it’s made me realise that I have a problem.

I have been feeling down within myself for a while now and its only after not getting out of bed until 5pm today after getting up at 2pm, crying, having an argument with the OH and going back to bed again only to wake up and cry some more; I think I may have some form of depression of which I need to get a control over.

OH and I have been arguing a lot this weekend, which we never do unless something is seriously wrong and what he has said to me has made me realise how distant and selfish I have been when he needs support too.

He says that I have seemed down for the past two months especially and he is right. This weekends argument started all because he wanted me to put a pile of washing away which had been sitting in the bedroom for over a month; I flew off the handle putting him down with nasty words and all because I couldn’t be bothered to put it away.

In all honesty I can not be bothered to do anything anymore. I haven't even got washed today. I don't get out of bed at the weekend until the afternoon unless I have a reason to get up. Even then I resent it when I have to go out of the house. Its ok popping to the shops because we live next door to a Tesco, but even then I will go in there without makeup, in my tracksuit which I have probably slept in and I no longer look forward to meeting up with friends because I would rather spend all day indoors at home doing nothing.

I was told off at work on NYE due to my constant lateness and also due to the fact that I have shown up on the 'overuse of the internet' tracker by IT who have reported it to my Manager. As I am a temp I really can not afford to lose my job so I know the time has come to sort myself out. I don't want to end up losing my job, my social life nor my OH.