Riding the Waves of Time: July 2011

It was Bobby's 2nd birthday in Heaven on Sunday.

The build up as per last year wasn't so great. I cried myself to sleep a couple of times during the week, the usual tightness was there inside of my chest as was the fuzzy non-concentrating brain and on occasion my mind was forced to remember via flashbacks of that day.

On the day itself though I couldn't have felt anymore different.

We started the day in Homebase buying the fencing for his grave - I haven't posted for a while but since my last post we finally received Bobby's grave stone on the 1st July so we were able to finally make his grave as we had wanted to since he had been buried.

My OH dropped me and the fence off at the graveside while he went to pick his Mum up as she wanted to help us dig the grave over and place the stone and place everything else we had for him on there. Because the day was such a lovely hot day, I was able to sit down next to the grave on my own for the first time since he was buried. It was quite strange to be there alone and for the first time I felt able to talk to him out loud. I don't often talk to him in my head as it is so it was a new thing to do but it was a nice thing to do.

Once they had arrived, we started digging the initial layers of soil over and placing the fence. We then placed the stone on along with the windmills and the plant pots as well as sprinkling the ground with poppy seed which will hopefully grow sporadically by the time we next visit.

After spending a couple of hours there we headed back to the MIL's and then back home where life carried on as usual.

Unlike last year though we did buy him a cake and light a candle of which my friend Kate had brought. My OH was very against this when I suggested it last year but for whatever reason he had nothing against it this year. Maybe he has accepted that this is it and that going along with it is easier then ignoring it or whatever, I don’t know but what I do know is that it was a 'nice' day. It was again nice to spend the day away from the computer, to spend the day without having anyone round and to spend the day with Bobby around us in the air.

Bobby did receive some lovely birthday cards, sadly none of which were from any family or real life friends but he did receive eight in total from my Angel Mummy friends and from the other Lisa’s Stars Admin.

Sadly I am unable to sign off this post without a little rant and I will most probably sound like a moaning minnie but as expected there were less wishes received then last year and those who sent cards last year, didn’t this year but on the up side those who didn’t send cards last year did this year and without wanting to dwell to much on others actions because it is upsetting to think about, we remembered him and that is all that counts.

We his parents will never ever forget him and no matter how many cards or wishes we receive he will not be coming back. I know that. We know that, but unfortunately the need for him to be remembered by others will always remain. After all I am expected - forced even maybe - to remember others children on their birthdays and frowned upon for not sending a card or buying a present but hey, that’s the life of an Angel Parent.

It’s full of the constant whispering longing for your baby to come back, its full of the contradiction of others words against their actions and I expect that as the years roll on by he will receive less cards, there will be less wishes sent and I do sometimes wonder that if it wasn’t for Facebook, would he actually be remembered by those who are supposed to remember at all.