Our little man Bobby was born sleeping at 22 +2 weeks on Friday 3rd of July 2009 at 5:48am due to a cord prolapse, which was brought on by pPROM (Premature Rupture of the Membrane) caused by an infection and a Low Lying Placenta.
He had tiny black eyebrows, his Daddy’s nose, lips, long legs and feet and if it were not for the fact that I gave birth to him, even I would doubt I had any part in his making. Bobby weighted 460gs (1lb 1oz) at birth but sadly his length was never measured.
We started trying for Bobby 8 years into our relationship and he took a further 2 years and 4 months to conceive. The BFP came out of the blue on Sunday 1st March 2009 while at my parent’s house due to my Brother bringing his new girlfriend home for the first time. I threw the original test away having read it wrong yet something in my head told me to go retrieve it from the bin and there they were; two simple pinks lines which were to go on to change our lives forever.
From weeks 6 to 9 I had constant bleeding which it was discovered was due to a blood clot within my cervix. I am thankful now for that stressful time early on, because it meant I got to see Bobby growing from the very beginning via the ultra sound scans at 6, 7 and 12 weeks.
Bobby started fluttering around 10 weeks and his first proper kicks were felt at around 17 weeks. He always kicked hard, he constantly moved and I always woke to find him sleeping on the right hand side of my stomach in the morning. Those are the things I still miss the most.
It was around the 17 week mark that I began feeling pains across the bottom of my bump, round my side and down my thighs and yet despite several visits to the hospital where I was checked over and urine samples taken; nothing was found to be abnormal.
On Monday 15th June at 7am I woke to find myself needing the toilet as I did every morning except this time, as I made my way to the bathroom, I leaked all the way there and for a good long time while on the toilet. The same thing happened an hour later. After some advice from my Birth Board I was checked over by the Doctor who laughed off my concerns that my waters had broken and instead sent me home with some anti-biotic after telling me I had an infection from my urine sample.
Two days later we arrived at the hospital for our 20 week scan which confirmed that my concerns were justified; my waters had broken; he had just 1.5 of water around him. We were later taken into a small room and told that our baby was going to die. They explained that due to the infection, his gestation and there being no water, there would be no hope and that we should start to prepare ourselves. For the following 10 days we were kept in hospital on bed rest. I don’t think I realised just how ill I was at that point because the normal blood cell count is between 2-5; mine was 17. For those 10 days it was just the two of us, bonding, playing the ‘belly button game’ and most of all proving the Doctors wrong. I really thought he would make it at that point. In the evening my OH Steve came to visit and the three of us would sit on the bed watching TV until midnight, eating biscuits and drinking tea that the MW’s on duty would supply.
On Saturday 27th June we were sent home with the instruction to visit the hospital each Tuesday and Thursday to be checked over and have bloods taken to check on the infection. My cell count on being discharged was 12 and because the hospital did not provide me with enough medication on release I had to return the next day and again on Tuesday despite their instruction of bed rest. I knew from that moment I should have stayed at the hospital until he was deemed viable.
Thursday 2nd July at 6:30am I woke to use the toilet. While wiping I felt what I thought was a blood clot so I tried to pull at it but it didn’t budge and so I looked down to see what it was. I called to Steve who called for an ambulance. On arrival they advised that the cord had prolapsed and not to worry because they would be able to put it back in. I was given a wet sanitary towel and instructed to hold it over the cord to keep it wet. We arrived at the hospital just before 7:30am and I was taken straight to the Triage Room but was told to expect the baby to have already died. After a worrying few minutes, his heartbeat was heard and I thanked my baby for proving the Doctors wrong yet again.
With that we were put into our own room and left until 10:20am when a Consultant came to do a scan but inevitably it showed no heartbeat. Our little man had died sometime between 7:30 and 10:20am and I was felt feeling for some months afterwards that I had killed him by not keeping his cord wet enough from the towel despite it being later advised that the cord had no pulse on arrival to hospital so nothing was going to keep him from dying; it was a shame I was never advised of this fact. As silly as this may sound I had a panic attack at 8:45am which I truly believe was the moment he had died and I had felt it happening within me.
I was again left until 2pm when a course of tablets where placed inside of me to start labour. My parents arrived just after 3pm. After having a tablet placed inside of me and a sweep carried out every 3hours, on Friday 3rd July at 5:48am Bobby was born breech but ‘silently’ into the world. Bobby may have been silent but the hustle and bustle of the midwife’s, the crying from us and the birds singing outside did not make it the ‘silent birth’ it is so often described as.
30 minutes after that, the placenta was delivered.
We had chosen not to see Bobby at the time of his birth for many reasons; I was high on pethidine, we were beside ourselves with grief and shock but most of all I was scared of what he would look like. I was told during labour that he would be the size of my hand and yet when I did go to visit him four days later, he was the length of my forearm.
Those 45 minutes I got to spend with him I will never ever forget and it is the one occasion I wish I could go back and repeat as often as I liked. I will never forget the moment of entering the room which had been made to look like a nursery, with teddies stacked high, to a little white mosses basket in the corner where he lay. I remember taking in a deep breath at the sight of his harsh red skin and yet the moment he was in my arms all the worry, grief, shock and sadness disappeared; all were replaced with the most amazing feeling of love and pride for our little man. It was although I was looking at a mini version of my OH and his weight surprised me. Steve had chosen not to visit Bobby and to this day he has not yet looked at his photos and in all honesty I respect his decision. He says that there will come a time when he will look but for now he is happy with the image he has in his head of his Son.
It was not until after that visit we were given three copies of his prints and three sets of two photos of which the hospital had taken for us straight after his birth. I would happily go through his birth all over again just to have one photo of the three of us together.
Tuesday 14th July at 9am Bobby was buried in a shared grave by the hospital; it is my second biggest 'Bobby regret' because 19 months on they have still not placed the headstone. He is however buried along with 14 other little Angels and that brings me some comfort because it means that when we are not there he is not alone. I have always had an image of Bobby as a cheeky little confident boy so I know he would ultimately be happy to share his space with others.
Bobby is and always will be our little man. Our first born, much wanted long tried for Son. He has taught me so many new things, given me a new outlook on the world and he has brought me so many fantastic new people; for which I will always be thankful to him for.
Bobby, one day we will get to be proper parents to you but until then, please be safe, please be nice to everyone you come across and most of all, please do as you’re told by your Angel Elders up on the clouds.
Love you forever little man xox
