I’m feeling a tad confused at the moment.
In my last journal not even a week ago I typed how I was feeling back in control of my life and yet, I’ve felt nothing but sadness this past weekend. Maybe this is normal considering, but I feel like I’m starting to turn into a mild version of Stacey Slater; up one minute and down the next.
Twenty Seven days from now I would have been waiting for my boy to enter the world alive and kicking. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little sad. It’s now imminent and there is no hiding from it.
I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night again. It started Friday night and has continued every night since. I don’t know if finally showing his picture to my best friend on Saturday and then putting his picture up on the www has triggered something inside but every time I now think of him, I can clearly see him in my arms wrapped up in his blue blanket. I wish I never had to say goodbye. 45 minutes were all we got to spend together.
The thought of him dying inside of me has also been haunting my dreams. Did he feel alone in there? Did he know anything at all? I think maybe it would have been better if he were to have died after birth but then I don’t know if I could have coped with seeing him taking his last breaths. I know how selfish this is going to read but I am glad we did not have to witness it. I am thankful that horrific part was shielded from us.
I came on my 3rd AF on Saturday which happened to be on the 3rd of the month and 3 months to the day that I gave birth. She has visited me every 3rd of the month since his birth and if this is anything to go by, it means she will be here the day before his due day. My body really knows how to punish me.
I was so desperate to fall pregnant before his due day, but now that I have run out of time I’m actually glad that I am not. I don’t think I am ready to be pregnant again; I can’t make up my mind. I know that my body most certainly isn’t. As well as still taking medication to rid this water infection, the Doctor confirmed that I have Anemia again. I’ve suffered from it at different levels for years so it wasn’t surprising and is easy to manage.
I have a strong feeling that I will not fall pregnant until my body is well and ready and until then I am determined to concentrate on coping with day to day life and getting my body back into shape. As well as every day life, there is of course the EDD and Christmas to get past too.
I hope 2010 is the year we finally have the chance to become an Earth family although I’m not holding out much hope.
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Grief is a roller coaster. Some days, you will feel good and in control and able to handle the hurt. Other days it will bury you. I'm moving towards two years into having lost Nicholas and Sophia, and a year since Alexander, and I still have days where even getting out of bed- even breathing- feels too much to take. Once day at a time, one breath at a time. You are doing great.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs as you continue to move towards your due date and beyond.