How Are You?

This is an open ended question of which I get asked daily.

My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.

I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:

“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”

“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”

“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”

“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”

“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”

“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”

“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”

“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”

“I miss being ‘normal’”

I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.

This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.

Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.

One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:

“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”

“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”

“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”

“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”

“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”

For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.