Sacked

Yep, today they finally sacked me. :(

I say finally because funny enough before telling them I was pregnant, they had no problem with my work.

Five weeks down the line they have had me in the office three times, going through every piece of my work and thinking about it, making sure I had signed my contract which funny enough I hadn’t receive beforehand, plus every other day I have been told off for one thing or another.

Today I was told off for my status on Messenger. We use Messenger to communicate at work as we are separated over a three floors. As you would expect sometimes people change their status, it’s natural. Yesterday, I changed mine to 'Is it Friday yet? If not, why not?’ Apparently, according to my Manager it shows that I don’t want to be there ... I said I thought it was funny and doesn’t everyone long for the weekend. She says it isnt and that no they dont.

My last day is next Thursday, however, tomorrow will be my last day because if they think I am going in for three days next week while I could be at home sorting my arse out trying to find another job then they really don’t have a clue.

Another thing to add is that the week after I told them I was pregnant, they started interviewing for my replacement, telling me that I would be moved from my role as PA to Admin. I even spent Monday and Tuesday training her FFS!

I really thought that things had finally turned around in our life.

Oh well, life goes on as they say. We have struggled before and we coped so we shall do it again I guess.

All this crying has given me a headache. It’s a shame I can’t have an alcoholic drink as I could really do with one or five right now.

First Time Mum Worries

As amazing as Fridays scan was, it has suddenly made it all real.

I’ve been allowing myself over the weekend to start to imagine it being born, it growing into a toddler and that’s as far as I get before I start to panic.

I’m laughing as I type but I’m actually sh*tting myself that:

a) I’ll be a crap Mum

b) I’ll not know what to the hell to do with it when it does arrive

c) I’ll not feed it enough, I'll keep it too warm and vice verse

d) That the stress of sleepless nights will cause us problems

e) That we can not afford it …

Actually scrap that last thought; no one can afford to have a child.

12 Week Scan

Baby Bob is alive and most certainly kicking! :)

Infact he/she kicked and stretched all the way through, so much so that the woman doing the scan commented on what an active baby it was and she kept poking it in order to make it move when it settled. Lol

He/she also appears to have very long legs like its Daddy which is a good thing because I’d rather it be that way then be a short arse like me.

I can’t believe how clear the baby looked either; like a proper little person. It’s hard to get my head around the fact that it’s really inside my belly and not just on a TV screen. The rush of feeling I had when seeing it was something I’ve never experienced before and I now know that I will do anything possible to make sure this baby is safe and well.

This whole growing a baby thing is so so strange yet so so lovely to be able to do all at the same time.

2nd Trimester!

Wow, I cant believe we have made it to the 2nd trimester!

Looking back over how much has happened over these past 12 weeks, I cant believe we will have our little baby by the end of this year! 


(picture 12 week belly)

More Blood and Stress at Work

I know I keep saying it but I really really, want to walk out of this office and never come back.

I’ve been crying to my OH this morning down the phone. Yet again I have come into the office to my Manager telling me off for things I have not done 'correctly'.

I didn’t add the correct details onto an appointment apparently. As it turns out they are on a machine of which I didn’t even know existed and so in defiance, when I emailed the details over to my Director, I told him that!

I’m sure there will be other things for them to have a go at me for though, as it seems to be the pattern every day for the past couple of weeks.

I wish I could walk out but I’m stuck. Who’s going to want to take on a three month pregnant woman now? There’s no way we can afford for me to be out of a job as it’s hard enough as it is with both of our wages.

To top things off, late yesterday evening I went to the toilet and there was bright red blood when I wiped. I kept an eye on it for the remainder of the night and thankfully it only seemed to appear when I wiped.

Today, it’s now brown and quite heavy and doesn’t just appear when I wipe. I’m praying it’s the blood clot in my uterus coming out and nothing else.

We have the twelve week scan this Friday thankfully.

The baby was fine a few weeks back after my last bleed so I’m clinging to that as a good sign. The nurse did say the clot would come out eventually but I wasn’t expecting it to do so now, not when I’ve had no bleeding for three weeks. I’ve even been allowing myself to start planning things for the baby in my head.

Roll on Friday. It can’t come quickly enough.

P*ssed Off Pregnant Woman Needs to Vent

I am on the verge of walking out of my job.

I can’t seem to do anything right here ever since I told them I was pregnant. I seem to be told to do one thing by my Director and then Im getting told off for doing it by my Manager!

Every single f*cking thing I do, there is something wrong with it.

I’ve just had to go to the toilets to have a cry as I am being made to feel like I’m as thick as sh*t and yes they do keep mentioning that I’m pregnant and that my brain isn’t on the job and that I’m not listening properly to my instructions, when I know for a fact that I was not told to do that something in the first place and then when I do do something, there is always something to pick at on it!!!  

*breath*

I tried to talk back to my Manager this morning but of course I got beaten down to the point where I couldn’t do anything but nod and then walk off and head straight for the toilet. I feel as though the woman hates me.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t come back on Monday but being pregnant I feel as though I’m trapped here. Ok I’m crying again god damn it.

Ok. I am going to get back to my work and go over everything before I go home to make sure they have nothing to come back at me on in the morning.

I really wish I had the choice to walk out.

Easter Weekend Blabble

Well the Bank Holidays are now officially over and done with and back to work tomorrow it is :( God I hate work.

I was supposed to be seeing the specialist tomorrow at the EPU but I found out on Thursday that my manager is off which means that I can’t be.

I’ve got my booking in appointment on Thursday with the midwife at my GP surgery, which I’m very much looking forward to. I need her to get the ball rolling regarding the twelve week scan, which I am so excited about as I haven’t seen Bob since week eight and while there, I am going to ask her if she can sort me out another appointment with the specialist.

This weekend has been quiet but nice. I had two friends over on Saturday for a catch up and some pizza. One did the best friend duty of finishing off the half bottle of wine which had been sitting in my fridge for the past month.

My OH was in need of a pint on Saturday afternoon after shopping for his Mum's birthday (which is today) presents so, not to feel left out, I had a non-alcoholic Becks which surprisingly tasted like the real thing. I won’t be making a habit of that though.

My Granddad had an operation yesterday after falling over on Friday and breaking his hip. My parents had to spend the weekend up there with him as it turns out he hasn’t been looking after himself or his house. I wish Granddad would agree to go into a home as he would be so much better off there.

Having this weekend off has really made me think about going back to work after the baby is born. I really don’t want to go back to that place. I have no choice but to go back to work but the thought of having to work all day at a place I hate, come home to my baby already asleep and then going off again in the morning is not a nice thought, plus the company isn’t very flexible in regards to holiday etc.

I’m seriously thinking of taking a job in my local Sainsbury’s instead but as with most other things in my life, it shall be dealt with when it needs to be dealt with.

(picture 10 week belly)

Off To See The Specialist

Yey finally some progress has been made :)

I had a doctors appointment last night which to be honest was a waste of time, as he asked me if I’d had any more bleeding of which I said, “no, not in the past two weeks”. With that he told me to carry on as I was and that was it

I mentioned the fact that despite telling him at five weeks that I was pregnant, I still hadn’t heard anything from/about the midwife so he told me to speak to the receptionist on my way out, who went on to explain that the fax request hadnt been sent over yet, so they have booked me in provisionally for Friday 17th April and the midwife will call this Thursday to confirm if that date is ok.

I will be twelve weeks on the 17th, so god only knows when the twelve week scan will be booked in for.

I’ve also just got off the phone from the EPU at the hospital to discuss last weeks scan and the need to see a specialist.

She advised me that she has spoken to the specialist and I am to come in to see him next Tuesday so he can have a proper look up there to see what’s going on. She said that the scan shows I defiantly don’t have two uteri but that I may still have two cervixes (?!)

The swab tests have come back clear which is good and *TMI Alert!* she has put the excessive discharge down to my hormones working overtime.

Only another thirty one weeks of this to go :)

Random Blabble

The hospital is really p*ssing me off at the moment.

They told me last Tuesday that they would contact me regarding my last scan but have I heard anything all week … No. Could I get hold of anyone to talk to all week … No.

I’ve just got off the phone to the woman at the EPU, who asked me to call back after 3pm as she still hasn’t done anything with my file! Jesus :(

*and breath*

I have a doctors appointment tonight to hopefully *fingers crossed* book my first midwife appointment. Due to the hospital dealing with me over the past four weeks, I have had no contact from my doctors and therefore no news of a midwife or any routine scan dates ect.

I had a letter from the doctors last weekend asking to book an appointment 'regarding your test results' so I presume it’s to get the ball rolling. It’s at 6pm tonight so we shall see.

The OH has gone fishing this morning with a friend of his and he is due to come back on Wednesday evening. It’s going to be bliss. I can not wait to come home tonight after the doctors, order a pizza, play a bit of Sims and then go to bed nice and early.

Tomorrow I am meeting a friend after work for some dinner and some pregnancy chat as she is due her first also, in August, so that will be nice.

Not hearing the words 'what’s for dinner' for the next three nights is nothing but heaven to my ears right now :)

2 Cervix and A Blood Clot ...

... trust me to be different but to be honest, am I really that surprised?

Today we had the third scan at the hospital; it was to check up on Bob’s progress due to the recurring blood loss over the past few weeks.

I’m happy to report that the baby is fine, its heart was beating away like a trooper and it’s been confirmed as eight weeks and four days 'old'; putting me back two days from my original EDD. It’s also a cute 18.7mm from head to bum hehe

However; it appears the cause for all of this bleeding is a blood clot which is sitting just below one of my cervix. Yes that’s right; one of my cervix.

The scan showed that there is a possibility that I have two (!?)

The woman scanning me called for a specialist to come down to give his opinion but he wasn’t available so I was asked to go wait in the waiting room so that I could be seen by a nurse.

I was eventually called into the nurse’s office where I was given an internal exam using the same machine which they use for a smear test and a swab was taken as I *TMI Alert!* have been experiencing a vast amount of discharge of late. I was then given an internal from the nurse herself who said that what she could feel, did feel thicker then normal.

For a second time the contraption was put inside of me so that the nurse could get a good look up there but typically she couldn’t see much.

I’ve been told that I will have to come back one day this week to see the specialist so he can confirm if I have two cervix or not and we were also advised that the clot will probably go one of two ways;

It will either carry on 'trickling' out as it has done for the past few weeks, or it will burst and come out in one go. Either way the nurse has assured us not to worry if either happens as the baby is healthy and it will solely be the clot and not the baby.

If I do however have two cervixes then it means that I will have to have a c-section to deliver the baby and they have hinted that this could be the very reason why it has taken us so bloody long to fall pregnant to start with. I guess that’s the one good thing to come out of it.

So there we go. Despite wanting a nice, normal, boring pregnancy, I get one like this but hey, the baby is ok and as long as it stays ok, I really couldn’t care less about everything else.

3rd Scan Worries

In my last journal entry I was feeling majorly down and to be honest, I had given up hope I guess.

I knew pregnancy wasn’t easy but I’d never have imagined that I’d signed up for a nine month rollercoaster ride.

We have a third scan tomorrow which will hopefully confirm that Bob is still in there, alive and kicking. I will be one day off being nine weeks, so the twelve week mark is starting to be within touching distance now.

I must say, this weekend I started to relax again and really enjoy the pregnancy despite having a little bleed yesterday after two days of nothing. For the first time it didn’t freak me out. I guess I’m getting used to it.

I have since worked out that I would have been due on my period between last Sunday and Wednesday, which is when the majority of the bleeding and cramps happened. Maybe this is a cause for all of the bleeding?

Another thing I noticed over the weekend is that I’m starting to fall in love with my OH all over again ... if that makes sense.

We've been together ten years and I obviously love him already but going through two years of trying which took over our lives, as well as having to deal with the other crap which life throws at you, it’s nice to finally look at him; not as a way of getting pregnant but as the father to my unborn child.

Obviously I wont tell him this as he'll just tell me to shut up and stop being stupid :) but its nice to know, that after all these years and the amount of crap which has gone on around us, I feel confident that we can get through whatever else life throws at us.

Just as long as it doesn’t throw anything at us too soon though! :)

Preparing Myself to Say Goodbye

This past week I have been bleeding on and off, only for it to become heavier and for the cramps to go beyond the pain of period cramps.

I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled all through the night, something of which has never happened before as it’s only ever lasted for a few hours at most.

Thankfully we already have a third scan booked for this Tuesday coming.

Another thing which is also bothering me somewhat is that I no longer have any kind of ‘symptoms’. Instead my body just feels how it does when it’s preparing itself for a period.

In my heart I know that the baby is either dying or it has died but my body is taking its time to remove it. I’ve so far only had tiny clots but being eight weeks I know I will be able to feel it when it does eventually come out. This is an image I do not want to see. The thought of my baby being flushed down the toilet like a dead pet fish is something that I know will haunt me forever and I don’t want it to happen.

At this moment in time I can’t even imagine having to try again for a baby which has already taken over two years to conceive. I guess I’m lucky in that at least despite having to wait for so long to fall pregnant, I have fallen pregnant but it doesn’t make it ok.

Why won’t this baby do. I would have rather have gone through two more months of periods and sadness that I wasn’t pregnant; then this.

The constant worry that my baby will leave as it can’t cope any longer inside of what is suppose to be its protection, its safe house, is breaking me down.

I can’t bear the five day wait for the scan!

Spotting and Cramps AGAIN

FFS will my body not make its mind up?!

I’ve had cramps all morning and I have just been to the toilet and there’s pink on the tissue again ... :(

I really really really hope it’s just another bout of spotting as per the previous weeks and to be honest, I have been quite stressed today with work and the three bloody flights of stairs I have to run up and down every day.

Fingers, toes and legs crossed that it’s just another bout which will soon pass.

Baby Has a Heartbeat

Yey!

I finally feel like I can relax a little and start to enjoy this pregnancy.

We had a second scan this morning to 'verify' the pregnancy.

The little mite has a strong heart beat and has gone from a black blob to a white blob.

It was strange seeing it on the screen but also a huge relief as it’s now made it all the more real.

I really can not explain how happy I am to finally have it confirmed that I have a little life growing inside of me.

OH Rant

Is it normal to have a partner/husband/boyfriend who still expects you to be able to juggle twelve things at once like you did before you were pregnant and one who gets annoyed when you fall asleep on the sofa at 9pm each night?!

Or is it just mine?!

Friday 13th

This week has been somewhat of a rollercoaster.

I was late for work today as I didn’t want to get out of bed and I then got fined £20 for bunking the train.

At the start of the week I had very bad cramps and was bleeding the heaviest yet but I’m happy to report that the bleeding hasn’t shown its face for a couple of days and nor have the cramps.

My boobs are defiantly getting harder and rounder, of which my OH is very happy about :) I haven’t noticed I’m weeing more often as I don’t drink that much during the day to begin with but today I do feel a little tender in my belly as if I could be sick if I let myself.

I’ve also gone from not being hungry to wanting to eat nothing but rubbish.

Yesterday I had a sausage sandwich for breakfast, a fried breakfast for lunch and then a large Big Mac Meal for dinner. I know it’s not the best thing to feed your growing unborn child but I’m sure Ronald will be happy to know that I’m starting Bob young.

I have a scan on Monday to verify the pregnancy, something of which I am not only looking forward to but also very worried about.

I'd managed to convince myself earlier this week that the baby wasn’t there anymore and I am still in that mind frame somewhat, so I guess that if it is bad news on Monday then it wont come as too much of a shock to the system.

I’ve also told my Mum to prepare. I just want her to be prepared as much as I am because I think my Mum would like to be a Granny more then I want to be a Mum :) Ok not quite but she’s already told me she’s going to have it every holiday!

I Guess This Is It

It seems to be happening.

Having had cramps and dark spotting all day, I have just gone to the toilet and there is now pure red blood.

I’m not sure what to do.

It’s my second day at my new job so I can’t go home and if I did leave now what could be done.

I’ve only another two hours to wait until home time so I guess I can wait until then and go straight to the hospital. Will they be able to see me, will they even take me seriously?

I can't get hold of my OH either. He’s not answering the home phone and the silly sod has lost his mobile.

Just as long as the blood doesn’t get stronger I can cope with these cramps and the wait.

I guess this little one wasn’t meant to be.

Will This Worry Ever Stop?

After a year of temping, I started a new permanent job yesterday and I already hate it.

I’m a PA to a Financial Advisor, based on the 3rd floor of an old building and the nearest toilets are a floor down via some very small and steep stairs. I wish I was back at my old, comfy, friendly Council office. I miss my familiar, friendly work colleagues.

I have also started spotting again, although this time it’s darker and more frequent.

I can’t say anything to my new boss as yet because he doesn’t even know that I’m pregnant but I feel like I should be laying down in bed until it goes away and this pregnancy starts to feel 'normal' and less stressful.

I have a second scan on Monday which will hopefully show that things are ok. I can only hope that this baby can hold on for that long.

It’s only week six but already it feels like a lifetime.