2 Cervix and A Blood Clot ...

... trust me to be different but to be honest, am I really that surprised?

Today we had the third scan at the hospital; it was to check up on Bob’s progress due to the recurring blood loss over the past few weeks.

I’m happy to report that the baby is fine, its heart was beating away like a trooper and it’s been confirmed as eight weeks and four days 'old'; putting me back two days from my original EDD. It’s also a cute 18.7mm from head to bum hehe

However; it appears the cause for all of this bleeding is a blood clot which is sitting just below one of my cervix. Yes that’s right; one of my cervix.

The scan showed that there is a possibility that I have two (!?)

The woman scanning me called for a specialist to come down to give his opinion but he wasn’t available so I was asked to go wait in the waiting room so that I could be seen by a nurse.

I was eventually called into the nurse’s office where I was given an internal exam using the same machine which they use for a smear test and a swab was taken as I *TMI Alert!* have been experiencing a vast amount of discharge of late. I was then given an internal from the nurse herself who said that what she could feel, did feel thicker then normal.

For a second time the contraption was put inside of me so that the nurse could get a good look up there but typically she couldn’t see much.

I’ve been told that I will have to come back one day this week to see the specialist so he can confirm if I have two cervix or not and we were also advised that the clot will probably go one of two ways;

It will either carry on 'trickling' out as it has done for the past few weeks, or it will burst and come out in one go. Either way the nurse has assured us not to worry if either happens as the baby is healthy and it will solely be the clot and not the baby.

If I do however have two cervixes then it means that I will have to have a c-section to deliver the baby and they have hinted that this could be the very reason why it has taken us so bloody long to fall pregnant to start with. I guess that’s the one good thing to come out of it.

So there we go. Despite wanting a nice, normal, boring pregnancy, I get one like this but hey, the baby is ok and as long as it stays ok, I really couldn’t care less about everything else.

3rd Scan Worries

In my last journal entry I was feeling majorly down and to be honest, I had given up hope I guess.

I knew pregnancy wasn’t easy but I’d never have imagined that I’d signed up for a nine month rollercoaster ride.

We have a third scan tomorrow which will hopefully confirm that Bob is still in there, alive and kicking. I will be one day off being nine weeks, so the twelve week mark is starting to be within touching distance now.

I must say, this weekend I started to relax again and really enjoy the pregnancy despite having a little bleed yesterday after two days of nothing. For the first time it didn’t freak me out. I guess I’m getting used to it.

I have since worked out that I would have been due on my period between last Sunday and Wednesday, which is when the majority of the bleeding and cramps happened. Maybe this is a cause for all of the bleeding?

Another thing I noticed over the weekend is that I’m starting to fall in love with my OH all over again ... if that makes sense.

We've been together ten years and I obviously love him already but going through two years of trying which took over our lives, as well as having to deal with the other crap which life throws at you, it’s nice to finally look at him; not as a way of getting pregnant but as the father to my unborn child.

Obviously I wont tell him this as he'll just tell me to shut up and stop being stupid :) but its nice to know, that after all these years and the amount of crap which has gone on around us, I feel confident that we can get through whatever else life throws at us.

Just as long as it doesn’t throw anything at us too soon though! :)

Preparing Myself to Say Goodbye

This past week I have been bleeding on and off, only for it to become heavier and for the cramps to go beyond the pain of period cramps.

I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled all through the night, something of which has never happened before as it’s only ever lasted for a few hours at most.

Thankfully we already have a third scan booked for this Tuesday coming.

Another thing which is also bothering me somewhat is that I no longer have any kind of ‘symptoms’. Instead my body just feels how it does when it’s preparing itself for a period.

In my heart I know that the baby is either dying or it has died but my body is taking its time to remove it. I’ve so far only had tiny clots but being eight weeks I know I will be able to feel it when it does eventually come out. This is an image I do not want to see. The thought of my baby being flushed down the toilet like a dead pet fish is something that I know will haunt me forever and I don’t want it to happen.

At this moment in time I can’t even imagine having to try again for a baby which has already taken over two years to conceive. I guess I’m lucky in that at least despite having to wait for so long to fall pregnant, I have fallen pregnant but it doesn’t make it ok.

Why won’t this baby do. I would have rather have gone through two more months of periods and sadness that I wasn’t pregnant; then this.

The constant worry that my baby will leave as it can’t cope any longer inside of what is suppose to be its protection, its safe house, is breaking me down.

I can’t bear the five day wait for the scan!

8 weeks {224 days to go}

Dear Bobby,

I’m typing this post at work as even though I should be downstairs working; I really cannot be bothered. It’s Friday and I cannot wait to go home.

Since writing to you last, a lot has happened. 

• I started a new job on the 10th March. It’s ok but it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. In fact I’m hoping to get my job back at my previous work if they will have me. I’m meeting them next Friday for a ‘drink’ so we shall see what comes of it; if anything.

• Both your Dad and I have moved into the flat of which will be your first home. Again, I don’t like it but I’m sure that once it’s been painted to our own tastes it will feel more like home. 

• Pregnancy wise well, we have made it to week eight!

I’ve only known about you for three weeks but these three weeks have felt like a life time so I can only imagine how long the nine months will feel like! I had a follow-on scan last Monday to make sure you were still ok and this time your Dad came too. We had to wait four hours and he moaned all the way through. You will soon realise that your Dad doesn’t like waiting. :)

Unlike the first scan at five weeks which showed nothing but a black blob, this time we saw you as a small white blob complete with a heartbeat. It was quite surreal and I was a little worried at how big you had grown within only ten days! I hope you don’t turn out to be a huge baby. I know I have ‘child bearing hips’ but please make sure you don’t make the labour any harder than it will be by you being the size of a house! We have another scan booked on Tuesday 31st March.

Unfortunately over the past week I have been bleeding on and off and I have had cramps. However, this week both have been stronger and longer lasting. I can only hope that it’s not you trying to get out.

I have recently joined an Internet group for pregnant Mums and over the past few days some of those who were due around the same time as you have lost their babies. It’s hard to know what to say to them and as horrible as it is to say; I really hope that I don’t become ‘one of them’. We can only wait and see.

As naughty as it is, despite already having had two scans done, the hospital have not offered us any photos of you, so at the next visit I am going to try to steal one from the last two visits lol. I just need something to keep of you; something to make you even more real. :)

Well that’s all I have to say at present. I’m dying to go to the toilet and I must get downstairs to help with the work load.

I guess I will see you next Tuesday. I hope you will be there waiting to say hello.

Love Mummy xox

Teeth

Over the past couple of days, my gums have been bleeding everytime I brush my teeth, I understand this is supposed to be normal but it doesnt stop me from wondering if the tooth fairy is going to come visit sometime soon.

This lunch time, I treated myself to a Diet Coke and one of my teeth started bleeding on its own!

I think I might need to look into a trip to the Dentist once this bleeding calms down a little, because Id like to find out in advance how much false teeth are going to cost me lol.

Spotting and Cramps AGAIN

FFS will my body not make its mind up?!

I’ve had cramps all morning and I have just been to the toilet and there’s pink on the tissue again ... :(

I really really really hope it’s just another bout of spotting as per the previous weeks and to be honest, I have been quite stressed today with work and the three bloody flights of stairs I have to run up and down every day.

Fingers, toes and legs crossed that it’s just another bout which will soon pass.

Baby Has a Heartbeat

Yey!

I finally feel like I can relax a little and start to enjoy this pregnancy.

We had a second scan this morning to 'verify' the pregnancy.

The little mite has a strong heart beat and has gone from a black blob to a white blob.

It was strange seeing it on the screen but also a huge relief as it’s now made it all the more real.

I really can not explain how happy I am to finally have it confirmed that I have a little life growing inside of me.

OH Rant

Is it normal to have a partner/husband/boyfriend who still expects you to be able to juggle twelve things at once like you did before you were pregnant and one who gets annoyed when you fall asleep on the sofa at 9pm each night?!

Or is it just mine?!

Friday 13th

This week has been somewhat of a rollercoaster.

I was late for work today as I didn’t want to get out of bed and I then got fined £20 for bunking the train.

At the start of the week I had very bad cramps and was bleeding the heaviest yet but I’m happy to report that the bleeding hasn’t shown its face for a couple of days and nor have the cramps.

My boobs are defiantly getting harder and rounder, of which my OH is very happy about :) I haven’t noticed I’m weeing more often as I don’t drink that much during the day to begin with but today I do feel a little tender in my belly as if I could be sick if I let myself.

I’ve also gone from not being hungry to wanting to eat nothing but rubbish.

Yesterday I had a sausage sandwich for breakfast, a fried breakfast for lunch and then a large Big Mac Meal for dinner. I know it’s not the best thing to feed your growing unborn child but I’m sure Ronald will be happy to know that I’m starting Bob young.

I have a scan on Monday to verify the pregnancy, something of which I am not only looking forward to but also very worried about.

I'd managed to convince myself earlier this week that the baby wasn’t there anymore and I am still in that mind frame somewhat, so I guess that if it is bad news on Monday then it wont come as too much of a shock to the system.

I’ve also told my Mum to prepare. I just want her to be prepared as much as I am because I think my Mum would like to be a Granny more then I want to be a Mum :) Ok not quite but she’s already told me she’s going to have it every holiday!

I Guess This Is It

It seems to be happening.

Having had cramps and dark spotting all day, I have just gone to the toilet and there is now pure red blood.

I’m not sure what to do.

It’s my second day at my new job so I can’t go home and if I did leave now what could be done.

I’ve only another two hours to wait until home time so I guess I can wait until then and go straight to the hospital. Will they be able to see me, will they even take me seriously?

I can't get hold of my OH either. He’s not answering the home phone and the silly sod has lost his mobile.

Just as long as the blood doesn’t get stronger I can cope with these cramps and the wait.

I guess this little one wasn’t meant to be.

Will This Worry Ever Stop?

After a year of temping, I started a new permanent job yesterday and I already hate it.

I’m a PA to a Financial Advisor, based on the 3rd floor of an old building and the nearest toilets are a floor down via some very small and steep stairs. I wish I was back at my old, comfy, friendly Council office. I miss my familiar, friendly work colleagues.

I have also started spotting again, although this time it’s darker and more frequent.

I can’t say anything to my new boss as yet because he doesn’t even know that I’m pregnant but I feel like I should be laying down in bed until it goes away and this pregnancy starts to feel 'normal' and less stressful.

I have a second scan on Monday which will hopefully show that things are ok. I can only hope that this baby can hold on for that long.

It’s only week six but already it feels like a lifetime.

5 weeks {244 days to go}

Dear Bobby, 

6 days ago we found out we were pregnant with you after two years and four months of trying.

We got our BFP at my parent’s house while there for a weekend break because my brother ~ your uncle ~ brought his new girlfriend home for the first time. It was quite a big deal.

The night before I did the pregnancy test, I had cried my eyes out to your Nan as despite wanting you so much, I was scared and shocked that you may actually be real. Since then you’ve had me crying on and off but I know it’s not on purpose.

For the past five days I have had on and off cramps and ’spotting’ as they call it. I spent four hours at the hospital yesterday waiting to find out if you were still there as the cramps and spotting had become more frequent and heavy.

I had to wait an hour for the blood test to come back to confirm that my hormone levels were correct, before I could have an ultra sound. I spent that hour walking around the hospital, reading a magazine, making phone calls to your Nan, your Dad and my work as it was my last day that day, eating a sausage sandwich and trying not to think about what if the result was bad.

Just before 12 o’clock I was advised that my hormone levels where correct and I was asked to wait for an ultra sound.

Looking at you on the screen I wished that your Dad was there also but he was at home moving us into our new flat. As you were/are only five weeks old you appeared on the screen as a small black blob ~ hence the nickname I have given you ~ Bob the Blob.

I was told everything looked normal but they could see where I had, had a bleed and that you were conceived from the left ovary. What a mad thought. :)

While at the hospital I had no bleeding nor cramps, until I was getting ready for bed last night. The cramps lasted until this morning and while you’re Dad and his friend moved more stuff into the new flat, I spent the time lying on the bed crying and asleep.

I hope that despite the spotting and the cramps, you are still within me and the small black blob on the screen from yesterday is not the last I see of you.

I want so much to see you again in ten days time when I have another ultra sound booked but until then I know I will continue to worry.

Love Mummy xox

Pregnant

On 31st December 2008 I started a blog documenting my infertility and our two and a half year experience on trying to conceive.

However, as time went on and with every new post posted, I begun to become even more depressed then when it was kept in my head so when I started my period on 28th January this year, I decided to close my blog down and to go back to dealing with it as I had done so before.

From that day on I decided to take a different approach to not only our unexplained infertility but also to my life and my diet.

At the time I was into my second year temping after a redundancy at the end of 2007 and over the course of twelve months I was unable to get a permanent job. My partner and I had by this time been living in a room at his Mum’s house for six months, after we were kicked out of our 2 bedroom flat due to the landlord having a baby and wanting his flat back.

Call me emotional, a nutcase or whatever, but the conscious decision to change my way of thinking and attitude to my life worked.

Last weekend we picked up the keys to our new flat, I start a new permanent job on Monday and the most important and miraculous thing to happen ... I found out on Sunday that I am pregnant.

As happy as I am to be pregnant the pregnancy hasn’t exactly chosen its timing well. I’m not sure what my new employer will say when I tell them at 12 weeks but to be honest, I know we will cope. Afteral, there are millions of women out there who cope everyday on their own, as teenagers, or those who have gone through extremely hard times in one way or another. You only have to read some of their blogs to realise that you have it ‘easy’.

I’d always dreamed of setting up a pregnancy diary so that I could look back on it in years to come but now that I’m actually typing it, I don’t feel like its me typing, plus I’m a little worried that once I hit the ‘send’ button, something terrible will happen to this baby.

I don’t feel comfortable calling it a baby yet. I think that’s because I don’t feel like this pregnancy is real, like I read the two tests wrong. Afteral when you are so used to getting your hopes up each month only to feel the cramps and then see the blood appear when you next visit the toilet, for the period not to arrive nor the blood, it throws you off course a bit.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to confirm the due date and how far gone I am – I think I’m 5 weeks – and afterwards I am off round to a friend’s house with a couple of friends for a girly night in. I’m not sure what excuse I’m going to give when I refuse the usual Jack Daniels and as much as I cant wait to tell everyone, at the same time I don’t want to ‘jinx’ anything.

I guess the ‘positive attitude’ is good in theory, but much harder in practice.