2009 The Year That Was

2009.

The biggest and longest twelve month roller coaster I have ever ridden on in my 28 years on this planet.

31st December 2008 I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was sat on my MIL's bed with the laptop funny enough on my lap, in the process of closing down my TTC blog which had been up and running for over a year. We had been living at the MIL's since August 2008 after our landlord kicked us out due to him and his partner being pregnant. As the OH had recently started his new business and I was temping, we stayed there while saving for a new flat and to give us a break.

We had earlier that month been told that despite not falling pregnant for over two years, the tests had shown nothing wrong with us fertility wise. We were labelled as having 'unexplained infertility'.

I made a promise to myself that night that I would forget all things babies and instead concentrate on living life as the 27 year old that I was instead of the 'I cant do that in case I'm pregnant' that I had spent so long doing.

January 2009 I dropped a dress size due to a new diet and I started taking the Iron Tablets and Folic Acid suggested by the Doctor in order to help our cause.

February I found out that my current temporary job with the local Council was coming to an end and I somehow managed for the first time since December 2007 to get myself a permanent job less then a week after posting my CV onto Monster. A week later we received news that we could move into the flat we liked. All we needed now was a BFP and it would make it three in a row.

March I was at my parents for the weekend due to my Brother bringing his new girlfriend home for the first time. Four days late on my AF and the night after drinking a bottle of JD, my Mum popped to Tesco's to buy some tests. I read the first test and threw it in the bin. A few moments later a little voice in my head questioned if Id read it correctly, so I retrieved it from the bin and there it was; a BPF. My initial reaction was to cry. Not only because it was such a shock but because it was real and I was so so scared! I kept the result to myself over dinner as I didn't want to take the moment away from my Brother. Once home I told the OH who's only reaction was 'Oh' and we hugged. My Mum called to ask what the result was and of course she became obsessed there and then.

May Bank Holiday Everything seemed to start to go down hill from this point. That day was my last day at work after they sacked me less then five weeks after telling them I was pregnant.

June 15th My waters broke to an infection at 19+5 and on the 17th at the 20 week scan we were told our baby would die.

July 2nd The umbilical cord prolapsed and Bobby was born on the 3rd at 5:48am weighing 460gs at 22+2 days.

Two out of the three things which normal people take for granted had gone within a matter of months.

Our Son was buried on the 14th July and that was it. It was over. I cant explain the feeling of knowing that you are a Mummy but there being no baby to look after. Even though your mind knows that the baby has gone and it will never come back, I will never forget the feeling of my body craving to love and nurture and it took a lot of effort both emotionally and physically to get past that stage.

I spent the next couple of months trying to find myself again and trying so hard to get to like the new me and of course trying to stop the guilt that my body had killed a perfectly formed human being.

Thankfully I also discovered new friends via the baby networking site I was already a member of while pregnant and at the same time I also realised just how loved I was by my existing friends. I know I will never be able to fully repay them for their continued support.

November Bobby's due day finally arrived. A day that was dreaded but in the end it wasn't as bad as the build up. One of which I will never forget due to the overwhelming feeling of peace I felt all around us. I took the day off of work and we spent it together as a family. There were lots of hugs, a visit to his grave and bizarrely a disagreement over which balloon to chose.

December finally arrived and again Christmas wasn't as bad as expected. It should have been the best Christmas ever but instead it was 'just' Christmas. A day of eating, talking and of course trying to work out who killed Archie Mitchell {Ben Mitchell} I shared my grief of losing Bobby with my Aunt who had only three weeks before lost her Mum to Cancer. In a strange way it was nice to have someone else there to share the sadness with.

31st December today. I somehow find myself in full circle.

I am again going into a new year without a baby but this time I am a Mummy.

I am again going into a new year in a temporary job but I'm ok with that because unlike some people in this world I have a job and it’s a job that I like.

We are still living in our little flat which is one more thing then we had last year.

The last AF of 2009 arrived yesterday but I am comfortable with that because I know that once it has finished, the start of our brand new TTC journey begins.

Goodbye to you 2009, the worst year of my life. 

Christmas 2009

It wasn't exactly the best Christmas I have ever had. We opened our presents, we ate good food, we watched rubbish TV and we lit a candle then we went home.

My best friend brought me a gorgeous Forrelli bag which was a complete surprise because although we 'do' presents we dont do 'those' kind of presents and never have done in the past ten years! It is gorgeous and it confirms even more what great friends I do have around me.

What would have made it the best Christmas ever, would have been having a seven week old baby boy bouncing away in his new bouncy chair; waving his arms around, mesmerised by all the lights from the tree, the flash from the camera and feeling sleepy from all the attention he is receiving from his family on his first ever Christmas Day.

Instead his first Christmas was spent alone in his grave while his parents were sat at my parent’s house, imagining what his first Christmas would have been like had things worked out as they should have.

My Aunt lost her Mum three weeks ago to Cancer. In a strange and probably selfish way, I was thankful to share my sorrow and was glad for the focus to be taken away from family whispering 'is she ok' 'how is she bearing up' 'has she cried yet'.

I logged onto the Internet this afternoon for the first time this weekend to find lots of proud families displaying photos of their little ones dressed in their little Christmas outfits. Bobby’s Santa outfit was packed away back in July and the only first Christmas pictures we got to take were of his new baubles hanging from the tree.

As usual I spent Christmas Eve running around getting the last of the presents and while out I bought my little boy a present despite the fact that he will never see it. It felt strangely nice to buy him something and if I'm honest, it helped to ease my conscious. As strange as it sounds, I am so so scared of forgetting Bobby and having his spirit feeling left out should I not think of him for just one day or not acknowledge him on a special holiday by not buying him something.

I bought him the Blue Nose Bear Beanie Reindeer ‘Bells’. As extremely sad as I understand this sounds, I have been taking this beanie to bed every night since buying it. I don’t know why.

Bobby received two presents from two friends. My best friend bought him a gorgeous mini blue candle which is decorated in a light blue velvet pattern. This now sits in-between ‘Bells’ legs on his shelf. He also got the Blue Nose Bear (she did not know I had brought Bells) Jingle.

What is it with Christmas TV and newborns? There I was happily watching the new drama ‘Britain’s Fattest Man’ last week and towards the end; his friend lost her baby at twenty eight weeks. I turn onto GMTV Christmas Eve and sitting there is the weather girl with her premature baby girl who was born three months early. Christmas Day; Eastenders Ronnie has a MC. I understand these may be great story lines but is there not a single woman working on the board who speaks out during the script writers meeting and says ‘actually lads, I don’t think it’s the best thing to be showing over Christmas of all times. Think of those who don’t want to be reminded on over Christmas of all times of the year’.

2010 is only five days away.

The closer it gets the more I am worried about what it holds.

We are supposedly going to start TTC in January and yet the fear of it taking us over two years to fall pregnant again like it did with Bobby grows stronger every day. A friend and a cousin are due next year; how many other BPF’s from friends and family are there going to be before we get our own? What if we are lucky enough to fall straight away but it ends up being due on the same month or even worse, the same day as what Bobby should have been born? I so so wish our first proper family Christmas to be in 2010 and yet in order to achieve this, we must be pregnant by February which is only two months away.

I need to stop ranting now because if I don't I never will. I would simple like to lead a normal life like everyone else please.

A Time for Reflection

These past couple of weeks I have felt unable to put my true feelings out there even though there has been so much I needed to say, so many things I needed to get off of my chest and out of my head but now, having listened to my friends concerns about my coping, understanding them and having had the opportunity to explain my actions over the past six months and reassure them that I am ok and that I am not having a breakdown; I am finally now comfortable to get back to how I was before. Within my safe little bubble.

These past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to the fact that even though people say that they understand, only those who have given birth to a sleeping baby truly do and truly can.

It doesn't mean that because I have kept myself to myself or made new friends that I have or will ever forget my old friends or that I ever want to. I have changed as a person; not just in mind but also body shape, actions, thoughts, worries and emotions. I thank Bobby for that because in some ways I feel he has changed me for the better. He has made me grow as a person and he has made me realise what matters in life and most importantly; who and what doesn't.

This time next week Christmas will be coming to an end. As with all things this year there has been such a build up and yet when it comes down to it, it really wasn't isn't/wasn't as bad as first anticipated.

I am starting to feel a lot more positive about Christmas and the whole energy and reasoning behind it. Its a time in which you spend as a family and even if your family are not here in person, in no way does it mean they are not here with you in spirit. Christmas is not about how many presents you receive or how much money you have spent, nor is it about how big your turkey is.

It’s at this time of year that you look back over the past 12 months; remembering the good but most of all remembering the bad. Why do we do this? Why is it so easy to get caught up in remembering the crap and yet we find it hard to remember the good pointers and most of all, see the good which we have learnt from these crap times.

Why do we as people not give ourselves the credit we deserve.

My parents came to visit last weekend. We visited Bobby's grave and we placed his little bits and pieces on top. We then went to our local shopping centre and once back home I cooked a lovely Sunday roast and off back down to the coast they went.

While we were standing over his grave, a huge worm dug its way into the dirt which still covers his grave and for a split second a post previously written by a friend on the same subject entered my head and got me through the horrible thought of where the worm was heading.

This moment opened my eyes to the fact that yes Bobby is ours in spirit but if the truth be told; his body belongs to the earth and it forever will be just how ours will be one day too.

It was my Christmas Work Do on Friday. Looking back I had the best night I’ve had all year. Afterwards, the OH, his friends, one of my friends and I went out to an opening of a club. We danced nonstop from 11pm until 3am and a few times during the night I stood still in the middle of the dance floor, looked around at everyone having a good time and for a split second I felt 'normal'. I felt on the same wave length as everyone else. Before this point, I had truly forgotten what it was like to be the old me.

I had a tarot card reading earlier this week and it has given me so much comfort.

I have a nice feeling about 2010.

I feel positive that we will get our happy-ever-after.

Christmas Shopping for an Angel

It is five months to the day that my baby was born asleep.

I can’t believe it’s been that long and yet at the same time, all I have to do is close my eyes and I am back in that room like it was yesterday.

I went Christmas shopping for him today. I know that those who haven't lost will now be thinking 'why the hell are you Christmas shopping for someone who is not alive' but to me it’s still his First Christmas and he may not be around but I can not forget him. He is on my mind twenty four seven.

I have bought him two little mini snow globes which you can hang from the Christmas tree and as we are spending this year with my parents, they shall hang from their tree. My parents are coming down in a couple of weekend’s time as they want to visit his grave and my Mum has bought him a lovely clear bauble with a tree inside of it. This will be put onto his grave on a special stand my Dad is putting together and it will then be wrapped away for the following years to come.

I also bought Bobby a large 'My first Christmas 2009' bauble which is in a presentation box. I have decided this will stay in its box and will be placed into his Memory Box to be kept forever. It’s too special to be opened at the moment.

I have also bought him a first Christmas card.

I have a very strong will to keep everything which reminds me of him - I take photos of everything I buy or receive as a gift and place it into his Memory Album - so this shall be written in but will then be placed into its envelope and again placed into his box. It’s far too special to be left on his grave to get wet.

I would like to start a collection of something to buy on every one of his special days; six month anniversary, his yearly Angelversary, Wave of Light, Christmas etc etc and I have been racking my brain as to what to collect until I remembered something I was given back in September.

My Cousin bought Bobby a large 'Blue Nose Bear' to put onto his grave shortly after he died of which has been sitting in our bedroom ever since because I can not bring myself to let it get dirty in the mud. The Christmas Bauble and his card are the 'Blue Nose Bear' so from this day forward my Son shall have a collection of these.

Its the least I can get him.

Tears of a Clown

I have just spent the past hour crying.

My head is banging, my cheeks are boiling, my eyes are swollen and my chest is as tight as hell. I cried all the way through my dinner and even impressed myself by managing to eat it all; snot included. I wouldn't however, recommend trying to swallow chips while your throat is contracting through a cry as it is quite painful.

I knew this huge episode was coming as it has been building up inside of me for a good week now. I’ve been managing to get away with the odd little tear rolling out every odd day here and there but now despite feeling and looking like I have been in the boxing ring, I'm glad its been and gone.

The crying initially started while sitting here on my own this evening in front of this computer screen trying to find the correct wording to a note I was in the process of sending to a group of friends. This group of friends in particular are my school friends who I meet up with twice a year because we live in different parts of the country but we always meet at Christmas.

It was planned that we meet this Saturday coming but I have thought about nothing else for a good while now and have decided for the first time not to go. This note was to explain my reasons to them.

I love these ladies dearly as we have all been friends since we were 10 years old but despite this, I found myself masking my reasons for not going. I wanted to tell them it’s because my heart is broken but I cant.

Now that December has finally arrived I have woken up to the fact that I can not bring myself to pretend to be excited that Christmas is around the corner. I can’t be bothered to dress myself up to 'party'. I am scared of drinking alcohol because I know that it will inevitably bring me to tears. I'm tired of pretending that all is OK and that I am this strong person everyone tells me I am.

I'm not strong. I have instead through my loss learnt to become a bloody good actress.

Santa, if your reading; forget the books, CD's, make up or jewellery. I would simply like my baby here for Christmas please.