A Time for Reflection

These past couple of weeks I have felt unable to put my true feelings out there even though there has been so much I needed to say, so many things I needed to get off of my chest and out of my head but now, having listened to my friends concerns about my coping, understanding them and having had the opportunity to explain my actions over the past six months and reassure them that I am ok and that I am not having a breakdown; I am finally now comfortable to get back to how I was before. Within my safe little bubble.

These past couple of weeks have opened my eyes to the fact that even though people say that they understand, only those who have given birth to a sleeping baby truly do and truly can.

It doesn't mean that because I have kept myself to myself or made new friends that I have or will ever forget my old friends or that I ever want to. I have changed as a person; not just in mind but also body shape, actions, thoughts, worries and emotions. I thank Bobby for that because in some ways I feel he has changed me for the better. He has made me grow as a person and he has made me realise what matters in life and most importantly; who and what doesn't.

This time next week Christmas will be coming to an end. As with all things this year there has been such a build up and yet when it comes down to it, it really wasn't isn't/wasn't as bad as first anticipated.

I am starting to feel a lot more positive about Christmas and the whole energy and reasoning behind it. Its a time in which you spend as a family and even if your family are not here in person, in no way does it mean they are not here with you in spirit. Christmas is not about how many presents you receive or how much money you have spent, nor is it about how big your turkey is.

It’s at this time of year that you look back over the past 12 months; remembering the good but most of all remembering the bad. Why do we do this? Why is it so easy to get caught up in remembering the crap and yet we find it hard to remember the good pointers and most of all, see the good which we have learnt from these crap times.

Why do we as people not give ourselves the credit we deserve.

My parents came to visit last weekend. We visited Bobby's grave and we placed his little bits and pieces on top. We then went to our local shopping centre and once back home I cooked a lovely Sunday roast and off back down to the coast they went.

While we were standing over his grave, a huge worm dug its way into the dirt which still covers his grave and for a split second a post previously written by a friend on the same subject entered my head and got me through the horrible thought of where the worm was heading.

This moment opened my eyes to the fact that yes Bobby is ours in spirit but if the truth be told; his body belongs to the earth and it forever will be just how ours will be one day too.

It was my Christmas Work Do on Friday. Looking back I had the best night I’ve had all year. Afterwards, the OH, his friends, one of my friends and I went out to an opening of a club. We danced nonstop from 11pm until 3am and a few times during the night I stood still in the middle of the dance floor, looked around at everyone having a good time and for a split second I felt 'normal'. I felt on the same wave length as everyone else. Before this point, I had truly forgotten what it was like to be the old me.

I had a tarot card reading earlier this week and it has given me so much comfort.

I have a nice feeling about 2010.

I feel positive that we will get our happy-ever-after.