Prayers Answered

Thank you to everyone who prayed and/or left a message.

My friends girl was discharged from hospital yesterday and is well and truly on the mend.

It was close, they were taken to the family room just after she was transferred to another hospital and told that they could not guarantee she would wake but thankfully the CT Scan showed no sign of damage to her brain or organs and they managed to wake her from the machine at around 2am that night.

On a scale of 1-15 in regards to the level of deepness in a coma (didn't know there was a scale but there you go) she was at number 3.

Maybe prayers do work after all.

On another note, it appears I have had a very early miscarriage again. I tested two days ago and had a nice dark line and yet last night I started experiencing cramps and today I have been bleeding with some clots and there was only one line on todays test.

I had a little cry earlier on today but with this being the second early miscarriage since Bobby 22 months ago, its the proof Ive needed these past few months that I am capable of fall pregnant and that we are DTD at the correct time since we changed our methods 3 months ago

I know a loss is a loss but this is nothing compared to that of giving birth to a sleeping baby so I am no way devastated as what I was 22 months ago.

I have promised myself that I shall never ever test until way after my AF is late even if there is something inside telling me to do so. They do say that 70% of pregnancies are chemical or early miscarriages when trying so hopefully we've reached that mark now over the past nearly 5 years and that the next time I do fall pregnant, we manage to make it to the full nine months on our 5th attempt. 

One day.

Prayers

Ive made it quite clear a number of times within this blog that I do not believe in God however for the first time in my life, tonight I shall be praying in case someone is listening.

An hour ago I had a call from my best friend to say she was with her 12 year old in hospital in intensive care after she found her daughter passed out from alcohol. She had been 'dumped' by her first boyfriend only a few days ago ... we all know that the world seems to end at that age over what we now class as 'stupid' things but really, please do not let this be a waste of a life over something so so stupid.

She is currently not breathing on her own; the machine is doing that for her and they are currently waiting for a CT-scan to see what is happening. This is a very very scary time for all.

If you believe or even if you don't, please pray that she does make it through and that she wakes up with only an extremely bad hangover.

A-Z Word Challenge: O - One Lonely Journey

Yet another PM to let me personally know that they are pregnant (2nd in a week).

Yet another birth announcement on my news feed to congratulate.

Yet another friend visited, having had cuddles with their new born (2nd in one weekend)

Yet another bout of feeling like a dog who has pissed on the carpet having their nose rubbed into it to show them how crap they are despite it being the most natural thing in the world.

A-Z Blogging Challenge: M - What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied, with confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies, when they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.

He took a breath, and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you, what your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile, with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home, and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

A-Z Challenge: K - The Mother-in-Law 'K'nows Best

It is my MIL’s 76th birthday today.

Most people are shocked when I tell them I have a Mother in Law who is in her 70’s and on finding this information out the first question they ask is ‘how do you get on with her?’ as though because she is a pensioner, it automatically means we are miles apart in life style, morals and conversation.

Despite the 46 year age gap I get on great with my MIL and I always have done over the past 13 years. Infact I think Im quite lucky in that respect if reading others stories about their MIL’s is anything to go by.

I’ll admit at first she scared the pants off of me because I was only 17 and unknown to me my OH had told her I was 21 (he was 27 at the time), and the 6 months we lived with her back in 2008 I never felt ‘at home’ – not through any fault of her own but simply because out of respect for her I always kept in mind that this was her house and I always made sure things were put away and the washing up done straight after we ate – unlike now ;) and on occasion she has jarred me slightly by interfering in money situations but I understand that that was simply out of concern for our welfare at that time.

Infact I think it’s safe to say that if it wasn’t for her we would have been up sh*ts creak without a paddle quite a few times over the past decade. She gave us a home when our landlord moved back in and we had both lost our jobs. She has lent us money more times then I wish to remember but most of all she has always been ‘there’. I am thankful my OH has her for a Mother and I am thankful to her for him. I also praise her for putting up with my OH during his teens through to his early twenties because quite frankly he was a monster and should our children ever act like he did its save to say I will end up in a home for the insane.

As an older parent and then a single parent after my FIL – who Ive never met – ran off with her best friend she is one of the strongest women I know. I am very lucky to have and to have had such strong women within my life. They are proof that you can make it through whatever life throws at you.

I know I shouldn’t think this way and my OH has told me off when I stupidly shared my concerns with him some time ago; I feel and I have always felt it my duty to provide her with a Grandchild and with every year that passes the sickness within my stomach at the thought that I will not fulfil my duty arises.

As heartbreaking as it was for us when Bobby died, I felt I had let her down. She has been brilliant with Bobby and I respect the fact that after he died she called to ask if she could go visit him before his coffin was sealed. It brings a smile to my face every time I think of when she told me how she had unwrapped him on that visit, how she has taken the time to take in every single part of him and how she kissed him and talked to him. I am thankful that she sat with us in the chapel at his burial and cried along with us. I love the fact she see’s him as her first Grandchild and I know that she will continue to do so no matter how many more Grandchild we go on to give her.

I am lucky that she has never said the wrong thing that she has never dictated how I must feel but most of all I am grateful how she knows that I will never get over him, just as she will never forget him.

A-Z Challenge: J - 'J'ust One Line Away

Who knew a 2 inch piece of plastic could bring about so many emotions. Confusion, fear, excitement just three of which I am feeling right now.

I am only two weeks into my cycle and yet there appears to be two lines upon a pregnancy test I took yesterday evening. I am confused because I thought I was ovulating this week, I am fearful to get my hopes up incase it turns out to be a chemical pregnancy or a dud test and a teeny tiny part of me wishes to burst out with excitement but I simply wont allow it until it is proven that I am infact pregnant for real.

I made a promise with myself months ago that should I find myself pregnant again, I would not tell a soul until our 20 week scan and yet as soon as the faint line appeared yesterday in a mass of confusion, I text three friends; two of whom have gone on to have their Rainbow babies, asking them if it is possible for ovulation to be picked up on a pregnancy test. Apparently it appears not.

I don’t know what to think and I can’t get it out of my head. I took another test last night (thankfully I brought a pack of three) which again showed a second but fainter line then before and yet another test first thing this morning, again showing a second faint line and yet despite this ‘proof’ my brain can not accept the possibility of there being another baby until my AF does not arrive. I know for a fact that even if I were to do a thousand tests between now and my AF’s arrival, I will still question its accuracy until the AF does a no show.

*If* I am pregnant, it would mean that my last AF was either a dud one or that I ovulated straight after my AF finished meaning that I am either 6+ weeks or 2 weeks pregnant.

I am quite angry at myself for having gone ahead and tested despite there being absolutely no reason to have taken a test to begin with. My last AF finished 2 weeks ago and any ‘signs’ I may have had I took for ovulation. I was into my third week of a health and fitness plan and feeling quite good about myself and the effects the combination of both appeared to have upon my body.

I simply went shopping after work yesterday and brought a pack of three for no reason. Now I have taken the test I ‘feel’ pregnant. I hate the way my body and mind occasionally form a tag team to confuse me or get my hopes up.

I have been getting cramps today. That I am not imagining. I ‘feel’ as though I am about to come on my AF and my boobs are slightly hard but I cant keep from thinking that it’s the want making my body feel this way rather then the fact that I could actually be pregnant.

I asked my OH after showing him the test if he would be pleased if it turn out to be true, to which he replied he would be but then went on to tell me to forget about it for a few days and then test again. How are men capable of blocking something so huge like this out of their minds? I wish I could block it out I really do but I can’t and I wont be able to until the 25th April. Forget D Day, this is bigger then that. AF Day could not arrive a day too soon.

A-Z Challenge: E - Empathy

Since childhood I have always felt ‘different’. I was always the ‘sensitive’ one out of my Brother and I and a huge daydreamer – I still am infact. What better and cheaper way to escape real life then by drifting off into your own mind for 5 minutes or so at a time.

I have always been able to read others body language without trying and I have always had a strong ‘need’ to help others, something which became extremely heightened after Bobby died, so strong infact that I wanted to become a counsellor. By helping others it helped me but the downside to this – which I discovered a year into his death – it held my mind back from learning to accept what had happened. It halted the growth within.

I am always being told to put myself first and I always find myself travelling around the UK to visit friends and family and spending hours on making sure they are well sorted and cared for at special times of the year only to find the majority of the time that I do not receive the same effort in return which often leads to feel of deflation and yet this doesn’t stop me from continuing to do so.

In every group of friends, each friend has a subconscious role. There is always that friend you call up for a drink or a dance, one who you can guarantee you will always have a good time with. There is always that friend who you can go to the cinema with if you fancy a relaxed evening, one who doesn’t mind spending hours doing nothing. And of course there is always that friend you call when you need to rant or who you know will give you advice and make you feel calm; that friend has always been me. I am that poor soul on the bus who mad/drunk/homeless people sit next to every time and talk to.

Despite having many friends and a loving family I often feel alone in my head. I am often described by my friends as being ‘relaxed’ or ‘mellow’ and yet if they were to see within my mind they would use another more appropriate word – you only have to read this blog to understand what I mean. The majority of the time I feel let down by the world and can very quickly go into ‘I want to be alone’ depressive mode. I need at least one day a week to myself, where I don’t go online, where I do not receive a phone call and should I one day become stranded on a dessert island that would be just fine.

Last year while randomly Googleling I came across many articles about Empathy and Empaths and instantly my insides clicked. Finally I had found something which explained perfectly why I had always felt ‘different’.

Why I have always had ‘feelings’ for plants, why I always named my toys, gave them personalities and felt guilty for putting them away or throwing them out. Why I can feel sorry for a rock or twig sitting there on its own in the middle of a patch of grass/dirt. Why I can one day wake up feeling on top of the world only to have my mood change within a millisecond depending on who I was around. Why I find it so easy to walk into a room and read those in there and sense heated situations before they erupt into a fight (something very handy to have while in a club).

Why I have never physically felt ‘alone’ due to the amount of people around me and yet emotionally feel so alone at the same time. Why I find it so bloody impossible to let others know my inner most feelings and yet I am so open when it comes to my life on a practical level. (Thinking about it this blog knows more about the inner most workings of my mind then my actual friends and family do)

My name is Lucy and I am an empath.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Empathy is the ability to read and understand people and be in-tune with or resonate with others, voluntarily or involuntarily of one's empath capacity.

Empaths have the ability to scan another's psyche for thoughts and feelings or for past, present, and future life occurrences. Many empaths are unaware of how this actually works, and have long accepted that they were sensitive to others.  

Empaths Sense Deep Emotions
Empathy is a feeling of another's true emotions to a point where an empath can relate to that person by sensing true feelings that run deeper than those portrayed on the surface. People commonly put on a show of expression. This is a learned trait of hiding authentic expression in an increasingly demanding society.

An empath can sense the truth behind the cover and will act compassionately to help that person express him/herself, thus making them feel at ease and not so desperately alone.

Empaths experience empathy towards family, children, friends, close associates, complete strangers, pets, plants and inanimate objects. Empathy is not held by time or space. Thus, an empath can feel the emotions of people and things at a distance. Some are empathic towards animals (ie: The Horse Whisperer), to nature, to the planetary system, to mechanical devices or to buildings etc. Others will have a combination of the above.  

Empaths Have Deep Sense of Knowing
Empaths are highly sensitive. This is the term commonly used in describing one's abilities (sensitivity) to another's emotions and feelings. Empaths have a deep sense of knowing that accompanies empathy and are often compassionate, considerate, and understanding of others.

There are also varying levels of strength in empaths which may be related to the individual’s awareness of self, understanding of the powers of empathy, and/or the acceptance or non-acceptance of empathy by those associated with them, including family and peers. Generally, those who are empathic grow up with these tendencies and do not learn about them until later in life.  

Empathy is Inherited
Empathy is genetic, inherent in our DNA, and passed from generation to generation. It is studied both by traditional science and alternative healing practitioners.

Empathy has both biological/genetic and spiritual aspects.

Empaths often possess the ability to sense others on many different levels. From their position in observing what another is saying, feeling and thinking, they come to understand another. They can become very proficient at reading another persons body language and/or study intently the eye movements. While this in itself is not empathy, it is a side-shoot that comes from being observant of others. In a sense, empaths have a complete communication package.  

How Empathy Works
While there is much we don't yet understand about how empathy works, we do have some information. Everything has an energetic vibration or frequency and an empath is able to sense these vibrations and recognize even the subtlest changes undetectable to the naked eye or the five senses.

Words of expression hold an energetic pattern that originates from the speaker. They have a specific meaning particular to the speaker. Behind that expression is a power or force-field, better known as energy. For example, hate often brings about an intense feeling that immediately accompanies the word. The word hate becomes strengthened with the speaker's feeling. It is that person's feelings (energy) that are picked up by empaths, whether the words are spoken, thought or just felt without verbal or bodily expression.

Empaths are often poets in motion. They are the born writers, singers, and artists with a high degree of creativity and imagination. They are known for many talents as their interests are varied, broad and continual, loving, loyal and humorous. They often have interests in many cultures and view them with a broad-minded perspective. They are mother, father, child, friend, nurse, caregiver, teacher, doctor, sales people... to psychic, clairvoyant, healer, etc. (That is not to say that any of these categories are all empaths.) The list is extensive and really unimportant. It is more important to notice that empaths are everywhere--in every culture and throughout the world. 

Empaths Are Good Listeners
Empaths are often very affectionate in personality and expression, great listeners and counsellors (and not just in the professional area). They will find themselves helping others and often putting their own needs aside to do so. In the same breath, they can be much the opposite. They may be quiet, withdrawn from the outside world, loners, depressed, neurotic, life's daydreamers, or even narcissistic.

They are most often passionate towards nature and respect its bountiful beauty. One will often find empaths enjoying the outdoors, beaches, walking, etc. Empaths may find themselves continually drawn to nature as a form of release. It is the opportune place to recapture their senses and gain a sense of peace in the hectic lives they may live. The time to get away from it all and unwind with nature becomes essential to the empath. Animals are often dear to the heart of empaths, not as a power object, but as a natural love. It is not uncommon for empaths to have more than one pet in their homes.  

Traits of an Empath
Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings.

However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.

Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavour to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.

Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.

People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light.

Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding.

Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind.

Written by Christel Broederlow Copyright (c) 2002 Christel Broederlow Shortened Version from The Empath Report 101

Mothers Day - 2nd Year

Unlike last year I dont feel sad that today is Mothers Day, I feel angry.

Angry not because my Son is not here to buy me a teddy or a card or a bunch of flowers or chocolates. I feel angry because society does not class me as a Mother.  

I felt my Son kick, I felt a love for him from the moment the lines showed on the test, I went through 16 hours of labour and I watched as he was put into the ground.

I made sure my own Mum and MIL felt loved today and it worked, they do and yet has anyone thought to maybe do the same to me, of course not, why would they, to them because I do not have a child here on Earth who keeps me up at night, I am not a Mother.

I expect that as soon as another baby comes along I will be showered with love by chocolates, cards, teddies, maybe breakfast in bed. Be wished a 'Happy Mothers Day' on my social networking site walls as have my other friends had this year.  It is not my fault my Son died and it is not my fault I have not yet been blessed with a second child.

Last year was different. I was acknowledged as being a Mother. This year it appears I have been forgotten. That is why I feel anger today. I feel anger towards those who say they care.

A-Z Challenge: B - 'B'

The letter B never had any meaning 20 months ago. It was simply the 2nd letter of the alphabet. The letter which, out of all 26 letters appeared to have had too much dinner that evening with its double bloated belly. 21 months ago today the letter B became a huge significance within our lives.

The letter B is proudly displayed upon my body, permanently tattooed into the skin of my right wrist in an elegant black italic form. My first ‘Bobby’ memorial tattoo. Just 6 days after he died on my 28th birthday I sat in the chair staring into space, being aware of the scratching from the needle but I felt no pain despite the blood. I remember the tattooist making a joke, asking me if it was my boyfriend ‘Barry’s’ initial. He stopped joking once Id told him it was ‘the initial of my Son who had died last week’. It was the first time I had been out of the house since being home from the hospital, the first time I had physically spoken to someone in those 6 days and the first time I had experienced what the words ‘Son’ and ‘Died’ could do to a stranger.

A-Z Blogging Challenge: A - An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.