To Be or Not To Be

Finally within the next 1 hour and 30 minutes it is November.

I have been dreading this month for four months now and yet surprisingly the closer it gets the easier it seems to have gotten. Today however has been tiring.

I have been thinking far too much today.

A good few of the Birth Board Ladies have had their babies in October and each little boy I see, I think of how that should have been our little boy. I have been wondering if he would have waited until his due day on the 4th or if he too would have been impatient and become an October baby.

I have also been thinking about the fourteen other little Angel babies who now share my Son’s grave and their Mummies. Were they too due in November? How did their babies come to be there? Have I ever walked past them in the street or stood behind them in a queue? While pregnant, did we ever walk past each other in the street or share a bus?

Are they now pregnant again or are they too waiting to try again because now just doesn’t seem to be the right time and yet, at the time of first falling pregnant it was the perfect time.

At that time, everything was finally coming together and yet now, everything seems to be slowly falling apart.

I want 2010 to be a new beginning for the both of us but why couldn’t we of had this one little human of whom we wanted so much instead?