we started an exciting journey.
That journey has taken us through so many emotions and yet here we are, 4 years down the line, in exactly the same spot as when we first started this now horrid journey.
Sometimes I wonder when and if it is ever going to happen for us. The further along the months and the years go by and the more success stories I hear from others all around me, the more it feels as though I am destined to be looking on from the outside for the rest of my life.
I have just had a little cry as I'm now having to buy a Clear Blue Digital on eBay because pregnancy for us doesn't just happen 'like that' as it appears to do for so many others.
I love my Angel and will do so forever and am thankful or all that he has taught me and the friends he has brought me, but I do not want to just be known as 'the one who lost her baby' for the rest of my life.
I would like to be blessed with one of each.
One little Earth baby will do.
Why is that so hard to achieve?
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Sunday, 17 October 2010
A Note to Heaven (3)
Bobby,
I thought I would write to you tonight because I don’t know, I’m feeling a little 'humph'. I can’t quite place my finger on this feeling. Let down I guess, that is the best word to describe it.
I very nearly deleted your GTS page today Bobby and I’m sorry for having that thought. Its not that I wanted to hide you from people but certain comments have made me realise that no one fully appreciates you for you apart from me. No one looks at your picture and sees you how I see you; my handsome little man, with his Daddy’s nose and your tiny black eyebrows. None of them held you in their arms and had the privileged of taking you all in and feeling your weight in their arms. I can’t believe I very nearly deleted your page just because of someone’s ignorance.
Sometimes I feel as though people view you as just a picture on a screen or a story they can tell their friends about.
Infact thinking about it clearly now, I’m going to take your picture down from all sites and I’m going to have you all to myself to admire and appreciate. F**k everyone else.
I thought I would write to you tonight because I don’t know, I’m feeling a little 'humph'. I can’t quite place my finger on this feeling. Let down I guess, that is the best word to describe it.
I very nearly deleted your GTS page today Bobby and I’m sorry for having that thought. Its not that I wanted to hide you from people but certain comments have made me realise that no one fully appreciates you for you apart from me. No one looks at your picture and sees you how I see you; my handsome little man, with his Daddy’s nose and your tiny black eyebrows. None of them held you in their arms and had the privileged of taking you all in and feeling your weight in their arms. I can’t believe I very nearly deleted your page just because of someone’s ignorance.
Sometimes I feel as though people view you as just a picture on a screen or a story they can tell their friends about.
Infact thinking about it clearly now, I’m going to take your picture down from all sites and I’m going to have you all to myself to admire and appreciate. F**k everyone else.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
A Note to Heaven (2)
Dear Bobby
I so wanted to start this off by asking how your week has been but how silly a question is that. A fellow Angel Mummy once typed that a thousand years on Earth is just a days worth in Heaven; I hope that statement is correct.
You’re Daddy and I have been having some trouble this past month. I don’t know if it’s been a long time coming and we have been ignoring it but we are trying to make things work. Money as always is at the route of our problems, sometimes I wonder if we will ever be ok in that department or if it will be like this forever. I hope it works out Bobby because Id like to stay with your Daddy and give you a little brother or sister to look after and the other stuff which 'normal' people do. Not that we are 'normal' though aye, things will never be normal again.
Anyway enough of that, its Baby Loss Awareness Week this week and Wave of Light on Friday - our 2nd one. It’s amazing how quickly it’s gone isnt it. This time last year I hadn’t even heard of the week let alone the day and now it’s become another annual day to be remembered. I wonder how many friends or family will remember you on Friday Bobby. I really hope they do.
I also have a hospital appointment on Friday with the ENT Specialist to talk about this lump in my neck. Hopefully they will agree to go ahead and remove this one as they did the last and all will be back to normal again. Here’s hoping. I want to ask you to look over me but I dont want to put that pressure onto you, I should be looking after you, not you after me.
Well its time to say another goodbye net wise Bobby. Maybe this will become a weekly thing and hopefully it will get easier to type out the more emotional side. Who knows.
Love you lots as always Bobby, speak to you soon Little Man.
Love Mummy xox
I so wanted to start this off by asking how your week has been but how silly a question is that. A fellow Angel Mummy once typed that a thousand years on Earth is just a days worth in Heaven; I hope that statement is correct.
You’re Daddy and I have been having some trouble this past month. I don’t know if it’s been a long time coming and we have been ignoring it but we are trying to make things work. Money as always is at the route of our problems, sometimes I wonder if we will ever be ok in that department or if it will be like this forever. I hope it works out Bobby because Id like to stay with your Daddy and give you a little brother or sister to look after and the other stuff which 'normal' people do. Not that we are 'normal' though aye, things will never be normal again.
Anyway enough of that, its Baby Loss Awareness Week this week and Wave of Light on Friday - our 2nd one. It’s amazing how quickly it’s gone isnt it. This time last year I hadn’t even heard of the week let alone the day and now it’s become another annual day to be remembered. I wonder how many friends or family will remember you on Friday Bobby. I really hope they do.
I also have a hospital appointment on Friday with the ENT Specialist to talk about this lump in my neck. Hopefully they will agree to go ahead and remove this one as they did the last and all will be back to normal again. Here’s hoping. I want to ask you to look over me but I dont want to put that pressure onto you, I should be looking after you, not you after me.
Well its time to say another goodbye net wise Bobby. Maybe this will become a weekly thing and hopefully it will get easier to type out the more emotional side. Who knows.
Love you lots as always Bobby, speak to you soon Little Man.
Love Mummy xox
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
A Note to Heaven (1)
Dear Bobby
I have no idea where to start or what to say because as you know Mummy isn’t the best with her emotions when it comes to you. Speaking about you to others in a logical sense is easy but speaking about you as my Son and our hopes and our dreams is another thing altogether. I hope you can forgive me for that. What started off as a way of coping is now a bad habit which I can not break. One I am too scared to break.
It feels strange typing to you now after all this time. Remember when I used to write to you every couple of weeks while you were still in my tummy and I would tell you all about your mad family and moan to you about my horrible ex-boss and prepare you for your Daddy's strange ways. I miss those innocent days Bobby. I miss even more so your kicks and the instant bond we shared.
I had this image of you while pregnant of you being a naughty little chap when older and that image still stands now. I bet you are the one who goes around kiss chasing all the girls and playing in the dirt with the boys. At the same time I know you are making it your business to welcome all the new Angels in and let them know they are ok. You would have had such a good life Bobby - I truly hope you are having fun where you are now.
I love you so much Little Man - so much more so then some stupid words on a screen can express. I feel you around all the time and don’t think I don’t see your little messages. I can not wait to become your 'proper' Mummy when the time is right but until that day; behave yourself and be safe in the knowledge that you are eternally loved.
Love Mummy xox
I have no idea where to start or what to say because as you know Mummy isn’t the best with her emotions when it comes to you. Speaking about you to others in a logical sense is easy but speaking about you as my Son and our hopes and our dreams is another thing altogether. I hope you can forgive me for that. What started off as a way of coping is now a bad habit which I can not break. One I am too scared to break.
It feels strange typing to you now after all this time. Remember when I used to write to you every couple of weeks while you were still in my tummy and I would tell you all about your mad family and moan to you about my horrible ex-boss and prepare you for your Daddy's strange ways. I miss those innocent days Bobby. I miss even more so your kicks and the instant bond we shared.
I had this image of you while pregnant of you being a naughty little chap when older and that image still stands now. I bet you are the one who goes around kiss chasing all the girls and playing in the dirt with the boys. At the same time I know you are making it your business to welcome all the new Angels in and let them know they are ok. You would have had such a good life Bobby - I truly hope you are having fun where you are now.
I love you so much Little Man - so much more so then some stupid words on a screen can express. I feel you around all the time and don’t think I don’t see your little messages. I can not wait to become your 'proper' Mummy when the time is right but until that day; behave yourself and be safe in the knowledge that you are eternally loved.
Love Mummy xox
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