Finally within the next 1 hour and 30 minutes it is November.
I have been dreading this month for four months now and yet surprisingly the closer it gets the easier it seems to have gotten. Today however has been tiring.
I have been thinking far too much today.
A good few of the Birth Board Ladies have had their babies in October and each little boy I see, I think of how that should have been our little boy. I have been wondering if he would have waited until his due day on the 4th or if he too would have been impatient and become an October baby.
I have also been thinking about the fourteen other little Angel babies who now share my Son’s grave and their Mummies. Were they too due in November? How did their babies come to be there? Have I ever walked past them in the street or stood behind them in a queue? While pregnant, did we ever walk past each other in the street or share a bus?
Are they now pregnant again or are they too waiting to try again because now just doesn’t seem to be the right time and yet, at the time of first falling pregnant it was the perfect time.
At that time, everything was finally coming together and yet now, everything seems to be slowly falling apart.
I want 2010 to be a new beginning for the both of us but why couldn’t we of had this one little human of whom we wanted so much instead?
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Seven Days To Go
This time next week would have been our little man’s due day.
I have been asked a few times over the past couple of days how I’m feeling about it and I can answer truthfully by saying “I feel fine”.
Looking back on this past week or so I think I have finally faced and temporarily beaten the demons by finding ways to cope with him not being here in person.
By accepting that he is not and never will be here in body, I have not felt sad every day. By having his picture next to me at night time, I have not cried each and every night for some time.
During the very frequent moments of the day where I think of my Son; I talk to him silently, I ask him how he is, I tell him I hope he is having fun or I simply share a joke. Those times where I have nothing to say I picture him as a little boy playing among other Angel children. I imagine him running amok having fun, not even realising that he was originally destined for somewhere else; to be down here with me and his Daddy.
I realise the above is a fantasy but it’s a nice comfortable place to be and for that reason he will always remain that little baby boy to me. He will never age in my mind. My Son will always be my cheeky chappie who loves nothing more then to get up to mischief simply because he is free to do so.
Free is an appropriate word to use right now. It’s a fluffy cloud word. Bobby is free from the troubles of every day life down here on Earth and I am at present free of the depression, the guilt and the ‘what if’s’.
For that reason alone, it allows us to be spiritually together forever, even though physically we are so far apart.
I have been asked a few times over the past couple of days how I’m feeling about it and I can answer truthfully by saying “I feel fine”.
Looking back on this past week or so I think I have finally faced and temporarily beaten the demons by finding ways to cope with him not being here in person.
By accepting that he is not and never will be here in body, I have not felt sad every day. By having his picture next to me at night time, I have not cried each and every night for some time.
During the very frequent moments of the day where I think of my Son; I talk to him silently, I ask him how he is, I tell him I hope he is having fun or I simply share a joke. Those times where I have nothing to say I picture him as a little boy playing among other Angel children. I imagine him running amok having fun, not even realising that he was originally destined for somewhere else; to be down here with me and his Daddy.
I realise the above is a fantasy but it’s a nice comfortable place to be and for that reason he will always remain that little baby boy to me. He will never age in my mind. My Son will always be my cheeky chappie who loves nothing more then to get up to mischief simply because he is free to do so.
Free is an appropriate word to use right now. It’s a fluffy cloud word. Bobby is free from the troubles of every day life down here on Earth and I am at present free of the depression, the guilt and the ‘what if’s’.
For that reason alone, it allows us to be spiritually together forever, even though physically we are so far apart.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Fourteen Days To Go
I thought I would do this journal now as I’m currently feeling good and I’m not sure how I will be feeling tomorrow; I hope that makes sense. I’m bloody tired after not taking my tablets properly.
Tomorrow (or in 20 minutes time) we would have been 38 weeks pregnant. Thirty Eight god damn weeks pregnant …
I can not wait to get this due date out of the way so I can start to count down to his 1st Angelversary. I would put a *lol* after Angelversary but deep down I know I’m not joking.
Had things been different, we would be two weeks off being first time parents. Instead however we have the tough decision of choosing which balloon to buy to release at his grave.
It was my first Slimming World weigh in last Thursday and FFS Id put on 1/2lb despite starving for most of the week. I wanted to cry there and then but got made to stay behind and go over what went wrong and what I can do to improve on next week. I waited until I got home to cry. This week I have changed my eating completely from last week and if the scales still show weight gain, then I will be running out of that door and never going back.
As it’s now dead on Fourteen days to go; off to dream nightmare land I go.
Tomorrow (or in 20 minutes time) we would have been 38 weeks pregnant. Thirty Eight god damn weeks pregnant …
I can not wait to get this due date out of the way so I can start to count down to his 1st Angelversary. I would put a *lol* after Angelversary but deep down I know I’m not joking.
Had things been different, we would be two weeks off being first time parents. Instead however we have the tough decision of choosing which balloon to buy to release at his grave.
It was my first Slimming World weigh in last Thursday and FFS Id put on 1/2lb despite starving for most of the week. I wanted to cry there and then but got made to stay behind and go over what went wrong and what I can do to improve on next week. I waited until I got home to cry. This week I have changed my eating completely from last week and if the scales still show weight gain, then I will be running out of that door and never going back.
As it’s now dead on Fourteen days to go; off to dream nightmare land I go.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Baby Loss Awareness Day
Today is our very first Wave of Light and as yet I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
Seeing his special candle lit alongside my favourite photo and with the multiple candle lit in memory of all the other Angel babies and their parents out there brings about so many emotions.
Sadness, Reflection; 'what if's' 'should have been's' and thankfully Support.
Sleep Tight little Angels. Forever Play in Peace.
Monday, 12 October 2009
Tired
I have a strong need to type. A few things have been going around in my head over the weekend and they haven’t been helped with ‘the sadness’ making its return.
I’ve got appearing normal in public down to a tee, yet I can’t seem to control my emotions while I’m on my own. I thought joining a slimming club would take my mind off of Bobby and would give me something else to concentrate on and it did work for a couple of days, until on Sunday when he came flooding back into my thoughts.
I have no concentration at home or at work. I’m getting up late every morning; the anemia is a contributor I know that and its my own fault for not always taking the right dose every day, but when I am here, I’m doing things like this … putting my thoughts onto Word instead of doing the work that I’m paid to do. When I’m at home, I’m off in my own dream world or on the computer. I can’t be bothered with anything else.
I wake up on a weekend planning to do housework or finish off what I had started the week before, maybe see a friend, be sociable and yet before I know it, I’ve done nothing all day, seen no one and its time for bed to start the working week all over again.
I woke up at 2pm on Saturday tired. I’m constantly tired, it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep, I am tired. I sometimes wish I could be like Sleeping Beauty. Sleep for one hundred years and wake up to find that the world has moved on and I can start all over again.
My lack of concentration has been causing a few problems between the OH and I too. I made an effort on Friday to buy a nice steak for dinner of which my OH asked if he could have an egg, mushrooms, chips and beans with, which was fine, I had no problems with that. I don’t often buy steak as we can’t really afford it, so I thought it would be a nice treat. Come Sunday, I cook the steak while also on the net which was a bad move. The steak comes out rubbery, the chips are undercooked and I forget to cook the mushrooms and egg. Infact, I don’t at the time actually remember him asking for an egg and yet now thinking about it, he did. This of course causes an argument and leads me to go to the bedroom, lying on the bed and crying my eyes out for a good two hours.
As usual I started off crying over the steak incident but then it soon became all about Bobby and ‘what should have been’. Each and every time I go through the birth in detail; the ‘silence’ of the room. It’s known a silent birth and yet there is nothing silent about it at all. It is a haunting sound which will no doubt stay with me forever.
I have decided, I don’t know when, but I have decided that I don’t want to fall pregnant any time soon. I’m not ready emotionally or physically. I can’t see myself falling pregnant with the amount of stress flowing through my veins anyway, and plus there is the small thing of having to BD in order to fall pregnant, one thing of which we are not doing. Infact, we haven’t BD for a month now and before that, it was only a couple of times over the course of two or so months.
He puts it down to stress; I put it down to feeling unattractive or too tired. I think what it comes down to is that we are both too scared. I want to make completely 100% sure that my body is ready this time. I thought it ready the last time but I was proved wrong in the worst way possible.
I have a Doctors appointment this evening to make sure that the infection has gone as the course of antibiotics ended last week. The diet is going well even though it only started on Friday. The work trousers I am currently wearing are already baggy. I admit I have been feeling hungry all weekend, but I am getting used to it now. I have had a good couple of years of abusing my body with too much alcohol and man size portions and eating when I’m not even hungry, so I can’t see how training my body to cope with the hunger for the next ten weeks will do it much harm. I want to hit my target.
Most of all, I want to feel comfortable within my own skin once more.
I’ve got appearing normal in public down to a tee, yet I can’t seem to control my emotions while I’m on my own. I thought joining a slimming club would take my mind off of Bobby and would give me something else to concentrate on and it did work for a couple of days, until on Sunday when he came flooding back into my thoughts.
I have no concentration at home or at work. I’m getting up late every morning; the anemia is a contributor I know that and its my own fault for not always taking the right dose every day, but when I am here, I’m doing things like this … putting my thoughts onto Word instead of doing the work that I’m paid to do. When I’m at home, I’m off in my own dream world or on the computer. I can’t be bothered with anything else.
I wake up on a weekend planning to do housework or finish off what I had started the week before, maybe see a friend, be sociable and yet before I know it, I’ve done nothing all day, seen no one and its time for bed to start the working week all over again.
I woke up at 2pm on Saturday tired. I’m constantly tired, it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep, I am tired. I sometimes wish I could be like Sleeping Beauty. Sleep for one hundred years and wake up to find that the world has moved on and I can start all over again.
My lack of concentration has been causing a few problems between the OH and I too. I made an effort on Friday to buy a nice steak for dinner of which my OH asked if he could have an egg, mushrooms, chips and beans with, which was fine, I had no problems with that. I don’t often buy steak as we can’t really afford it, so I thought it would be a nice treat. Come Sunday, I cook the steak while also on the net which was a bad move. The steak comes out rubbery, the chips are undercooked and I forget to cook the mushrooms and egg. Infact, I don’t at the time actually remember him asking for an egg and yet now thinking about it, he did. This of course causes an argument and leads me to go to the bedroom, lying on the bed and crying my eyes out for a good two hours.
As usual I started off crying over the steak incident but then it soon became all about Bobby and ‘what should have been’. Each and every time I go through the birth in detail; the ‘silence’ of the room. It’s known a silent birth and yet there is nothing silent about it at all. It is a haunting sound which will no doubt stay with me forever.
I have decided, I don’t know when, but I have decided that I don’t want to fall pregnant any time soon. I’m not ready emotionally or physically. I can’t see myself falling pregnant with the amount of stress flowing through my veins anyway, and plus there is the small thing of having to BD in order to fall pregnant, one thing of which we are not doing. Infact, we haven’t BD for a month now and before that, it was only a couple of times over the course of two or so months.
He puts it down to stress; I put it down to feeling unattractive or too tired. I think what it comes down to is that we are both too scared. I want to make completely 100% sure that my body is ready this time. I thought it ready the last time but I was proved wrong in the worst way possible.
I have a Doctors appointment this evening to make sure that the infection has gone as the course of antibiotics ended last week. The diet is going well even though it only started on Friday. The work trousers I am currently wearing are already baggy. I admit I have been feeling hungry all weekend, but I am getting used to it now. I have had a good couple of years of abusing my body with too much alcohol and man size portions and eating when I’m not even hungry, so I can’t see how training my body to cope with the hunger for the next ten weeks will do it much harm. I want to hit my target.
Most of all, I want to feel comfortable within my own skin once more.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Empty Space of Nothingness
I’m feeling a tad confused at the moment.
In my last journal not even a week ago I typed how I was feeling back in control of my life and yet, I’ve felt nothing but sadness this past weekend. Maybe this is normal considering, but I feel like I’m starting to turn into a mild version of Stacey Slater; up one minute and down the next.
Twenty Seven days from now I would have been waiting for my boy to enter the world alive and kicking. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little sad. It’s now imminent and there is no hiding from it.
I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night again. It started Friday night and has continued every night since. I don’t know if finally showing his picture to my best friend on Saturday and then putting his picture up on the www has triggered something inside but every time I now think of him, I can clearly see him in my arms wrapped up in his blue blanket. I wish I never had to say goodbye. 45 minutes were all we got to spend together.
The thought of him dying inside of me has also been haunting my dreams. Did he feel alone in there? Did he know anything at all? I think maybe it would have been better if he were to have died after birth but then I don’t know if I could have coped with seeing him taking his last breaths. I know how selfish this is going to read but I am glad we did not have to witness it. I am thankful that horrific part was shielded from us.
I came on my 3rd AF on Saturday which happened to be on the 3rd of the month and 3 months to the day that I gave birth. She has visited me every 3rd of the month since his birth and if this is anything to go by, it means she will be here the day before his due day. My body really knows how to punish me.
I was so desperate to fall pregnant before his due day, but now that I have run out of time I’m actually glad that I am not. I don’t think I am ready to be pregnant again; I can’t make up my mind. I know that my body most certainly isn’t. As well as still taking medication to rid this water infection, the Doctor confirmed that I have Anemia again. I’ve suffered from it at different levels for years so it wasn’t surprising and is easy to manage.
I have a strong feeling that I will not fall pregnant until my body is well and ready and until then I am determined to concentrate on coping with day to day life and getting my body back into shape. As well as every day life, there is of course the EDD and Christmas to get past too.
I hope 2010 is the year we finally have the chance to become an Earth family although I’m not holding out much hope.
In my last journal not even a week ago I typed how I was feeling back in control of my life and yet, I’ve felt nothing but sadness this past weekend. Maybe this is normal considering, but I feel like I’m starting to turn into a mild version of Stacey Slater; up one minute and down the next.
Twenty Seven days from now I would have been waiting for my boy to enter the world alive and kicking. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little sad. It’s now imminent and there is no hiding from it.
I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night again. It started Friday night and has continued every night since. I don’t know if finally showing his picture to my best friend on Saturday and then putting his picture up on the www has triggered something inside but every time I now think of him, I can clearly see him in my arms wrapped up in his blue blanket. I wish I never had to say goodbye. 45 minutes were all we got to spend together.
The thought of him dying inside of me has also been haunting my dreams. Did he feel alone in there? Did he know anything at all? I think maybe it would have been better if he were to have died after birth but then I don’t know if I could have coped with seeing him taking his last breaths. I know how selfish this is going to read but I am glad we did not have to witness it. I am thankful that horrific part was shielded from us.
I came on my 3rd AF on Saturday which happened to be on the 3rd of the month and 3 months to the day that I gave birth. She has visited me every 3rd of the month since his birth and if this is anything to go by, it means she will be here the day before his due day. My body really knows how to punish me.
I was so desperate to fall pregnant before his due day, but now that I have run out of time I’m actually glad that I am not. I don’t think I am ready to be pregnant again; I can’t make up my mind. I know that my body most certainly isn’t. As well as still taking medication to rid this water infection, the Doctor confirmed that I have Anemia again. I’ve suffered from it at different levels for years so it wasn’t surprising and is easy to manage.
I have a strong feeling that I will not fall pregnant until my body is well and ready and until then I am determined to concentrate on coping with day to day life and getting my body back into shape. As well as every day life, there is of course the EDD and Christmas to get past too.
I hope 2010 is the year we finally have the chance to become an Earth family although I’m not holding out much hope.
Friday, 2 October 2009
A Change In Direction
It’s been over a week since I last wrote anything down and I’m taking that as a good sign. I only tend to write if something is bothering me, or if there are things I need to get out of my head in order to make room for other soon-to-be niggles.
I can not pin point the exact moment this happened but I feel like I am slowly getting back in control of my life again. At this moment in time I no longer feel as though the world is out to get me, or that my life is going no where because I am no longer pregnant nor that I do not have my baby alive in my arms. This is a very good but at the same time very strange feeling. Good, because I can now look towards the future, strange I guess because I was getting used to being the one whose baby died and having a routine as to when I would cry or get upset about things. It’s not nice not being in control of your own mind nor emotions.
I still cry most nights, but it’s only when I picture our first and last meeting. I imagine him back in my arms and his surprising heaviness for such a young baby. I guess getting to the stage where I can think of him and smile is a way off but I don’t mind waiting.
I went to the Doctors a couple of weeks back to ask them to test me for any infection and they did so by testing both my blood and my urine. Annoyingly the urine sample shows that I still have an infection so I am currently on a course of antibiotics which will hopefully get rid of this nasty thing once and for all.
My Doctors received my blood results back on Wednesday but when I called to ask them for the results, the receptionist explained that I needed to speak to the Doctor as one of the bottles has come back with something. The Doctor however isn’t around to talk to me until next Monday. I’m expecting it to be Anemia as this is something of which I have suffered from on and off for many years and have to regularly take Iron tablets for. No problems there. If it’s not Anemia then I’m thinking it may be Diabetes as that was one of the other things they tested for and it runs strongly in our family. I can only wait and see what the Doctor says on Monday.
In the mean time, I have the whole weekend to myself as the OH is away fishing. He leaves this afternoon and comes back on Sunday and I’m really really looking forward to having the house to myself. I’m looking forward to watching what I want on TV, to being on the internet for as long as I like without being disturbed, eating crap, drinking lots of Diet Coke, sleeping a hell of a lot and I may even go as far as to not getting dressed for one whole day; I doubt I could get away with that but I will give it a damn good try. One thing I will be doing for sure though is to visit my little man’s grave.
Speaking of which, it is now Thirty Three days until what would have been our due day; 4th November. I have booked work off that day, as it’s on a Wednesday and on Tuesday this week I reminded my OH. I had wanted to talk to him for a while about it but something had been stopping me from doing so.
We have both agreed to go out somewhere for the day and release a balloon. I explained the theory behind writing a message on the balloon and sending up to heaven, but because he is a man he went ahead and explained the physics in this not being physically possible! He has suggested sending the balloon off over the sea while I would rather we send it off over his grave; I guess we could do both if we really wanted.
Until that day arrives though, I can not predict how I will feel or confirm what will happen in regards to the balloon but it’s just another thing we will deal with when it eventually arrives.
I can not pin point the exact moment this happened but I feel like I am slowly getting back in control of my life again. At this moment in time I no longer feel as though the world is out to get me, or that my life is going no where because I am no longer pregnant nor that I do not have my baby alive in my arms. This is a very good but at the same time very strange feeling. Good, because I can now look towards the future, strange I guess because I was getting used to being the one whose baby died and having a routine as to when I would cry or get upset about things. It’s not nice not being in control of your own mind nor emotions.
I still cry most nights, but it’s only when I picture our first and last meeting. I imagine him back in my arms and his surprising heaviness for such a young baby. I guess getting to the stage where I can think of him and smile is a way off but I don’t mind waiting.
I went to the Doctors a couple of weeks back to ask them to test me for any infection and they did so by testing both my blood and my urine. Annoyingly the urine sample shows that I still have an infection so I am currently on a course of antibiotics which will hopefully get rid of this nasty thing once and for all.
My Doctors received my blood results back on Wednesday but when I called to ask them for the results, the receptionist explained that I needed to speak to the Doctor as one of the bottles has come back with something. The Doctor however isn’t around to talk to me until next Monday. I’m expecting it to be Anemia as this is something of which I have suffered from on and off for many years and have to regularly take Iron tablets for. No problems there. If it’s not Anemia then I’m thinking it may be Diabetes as that was one of the other things they tested for and it runs strongly in our family. I can only wait and see what the Doctor says on Monday.
In the mean time, I have the whole weekend to myself as the OH is away fishing. He leaves this afternoon and comes back on Sunday and I’m really really looking forward to having the house to myself. I’m looking forward to watching what I want on TV, to being on the internet for as long as I like without being disturbed, eating crap, drinking lots of Diet Coke, sleeping a hell of a lot and I may even go as far as to not getting dressed for one whole day; I doubt I could get away with that but I will give it a damn good try. One thing I will be doing for sure though is to visit my little man’s grave.
Speaking of which, it is now Thirty Three days until what would have been our due day; 4th November. I have booked work off that day, as it’s on a Wednesday and on Tuesday this week I reminded my OH. I had wanted to talk to him for a while about it but something had been stopping me from doing so.
We have both agreed to go out somewhere for the day and release a balloon. I explained the theory behind writing a message on the balloon and sending up to heaven, but because he is a man he went ahead and explained the physics in this not being physically possible! He has suggested sending the balloon off over the sea while I would rather we send it off over his grave; I guess we could do both if we really wanted.
Until that day arrives though, I can not predict how I will feel or confirm what will happen in regards to the balloon but it’s just another thing we will deal with when it eventually arrives.
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