Twas the Night Before EDD

… and I can feel my emotions slowly starting to build. As well as tomorrow being his due date, today also happens to be 4 months to the day of which he was born.

I had a very big cry in bed last night. So big that I thought I was going to die there and then from a broken heart.

Have you ever cried so much that you can no longer breath through crying and when you do finally take a breath, your heart physically hurts? My heart hurt so much that I actually lay there thinking ‘this is it’ but of course it wasn’t. I automatically finished crying as soon as OH got into bed and I woke this morning to go to work as normal.

A friend at work bought a couple of little presents in today because she knows what tomorrow is and bless her, she wanted to cheer me up a little. She bought me a gorgeous gold and turquoise bangle and a lovely bath set from Lush.

The 60 guys and one girl I work with are fab to work with and quite a few of them know about Bobby. Most know through being nosy due to asking about my tattoo and its meaning and the odd few I have told when they have asked me if I have any children etc.

For men, they have been surprisingly supportive these past 3 months. On hearing about Bobby, one told me about his wife who had lost five of their babies through m/c and spoke about depression and how it affected him and his surviving children.

I don’t think we really give guys the credit they deserve and TBH, since losing Bobby I have found that men are actually more willing to talk to you about grief then most women are.

Before leaving work tonight I cleaned my desk, my computer screen, my desk phone and even the tannoy and the fax machine.

I phoned Mum on the way home tonight but mentioned about what day it is tomorrow. I don’t think she has forgotten, maybe she just doesn’t want to talk about it today as I know she still has a little cry sometimes too.

The OH and I are going to spend tomorrow off of work together. Our phones are going to be turned off, the front door left unanswered; just the two of us together with Bobby in mind. We plan on visiting his grave, maybe releasing a balloon and then going for a meal at the restaurant we spent our 10th anniversary at last September.

I’ve suggested to my OH that we will go visit his Mum as well and sadly I haven’t seen her since Bobby’s funeral back in July. I can’t believe it’s been that long. OH goes around there every other day while I’m at work so its not as if she’s left alone but it will be nice to spend some time with her as she took his death very hard, as did all of his Grandparents.

It still seems so surreal to think that had things worked out as planned, tomorrow we would have been first time parents to a screaming, kicking little monster with long dangly legs. Instead well, we became first time parents to an Angel instead.

RIP little man. Mummy and Daddy love you so so much and will be with you tomorrow in body and in mind. xox