A Quick Chat

I haven’t done a proper blog post for what seems like ages but I need to get this down.

I have just been in my Boss’s office for a ‘quick chat’. I hate those kinds of chats because I know that the ‘quick chat’ really means ‘a boll *** ing’.

He says he is concerned about me, that he has noticed a few things over the past few weeks and how things need to improve in not only my attendance and my lateness but also in the work I do itself.

I seem distracted he said. People have been moaning about me behind my back he said. He can’t be seen to discipline the shop floor staff while I am seemingly getting away with coming in an hour late or forgetting to do simple parts of my job he said.

Silence

Ive been feeling a little run down the past couple of months, I keep coming out in colds I say. I’m constantly tired, I can’t physically get out of bed each morning, I do nothing when I get home except sit on the computer all night because nothing really matters, I said.

Silence

I don’t like this time of the year I said. Cue a chin rumble and a broken voice as I try to keep the tears in while slating myself in my head for even contemplating crying in front of this man. I have months where I am fine but something will trigger and I will feel down for a few weeks, I said.

Thankfully my boss knows what I am going on about so I don’t need to go into detail and his tone of voice changes as he says ‘it can’t be easy for you but you need to see it from my point of view’. With that he goes on to say that he wishes I would approach him before he approached me.

I would but I can’t, I said. I have trouble talking about it.

He is right though, this can’t carry on.

I know full well in my head that I can no longer hide behind others grief to mask my own and yet my heart is too afraid to reach out and ask.

I know full well that I need to unlock this volt inside and allow everything to empty out. I just need someone to help me do it.

I am so scared that once I start I will not be able to stop but it’s something I must do otherwise I will never be able to move on.