Another Failure

Last Thursday 25th I got another BFP or a LFP as I called it because the line was extremely faint but it was there on three tests. It was called a little miracle given to me from Bobby by many who I told but looking at it now I don’t think it was from Bobby at all because Bobby wouldn’t make his Mummy upset and cry on purpose. I was woken yesterday morning with extremely strong cramps and quite a lot of blood and clots all of which are still present today. I may well have been pregnant for a very short time but I am not now. I won’t lie, it hurts like hell. I really believed that we were given another chance and I even thanked Bobby on the way to work Friday but looking back, I should know full well that miracles don’t happen to people like me. They never have done so why would they start now at nearly 30 years old. At this point in time I again feel like a failure and feel that I am never going to get to be a proper Mummy to a live baby. Instead I have to carry on wearing this huge shield which I have built up over the past 8 months, a shield of which, up until yesterday worked quite well. I’ve come to rely on this shield a little too much of late but I'm no longer sure just how long its going to keep working, especially now that my BF has fallen pregnant by accident and that everyone else around me is on the path to taking their babies home or have already managed this amazing feet of which I seem incapable of doing. I understand this post sounds extremely selfish and 'poor me' but I really don’t care. I am understandably going to keep feeling like this until I either work out what the hell it is that I have done that is so wrong that I am being punished for it or, my body miraculously decides one day that I am a good enough person to be given the title of 'Mummy’. I really hope my body decides quickly before it’s too late.