Something to Wake Up For

It’s been well over a week since my past post; the last post being Bobby’s funeral in fact.

I’ve been on here changing the layout around, wanting to type something but the words just haven’t flown.

Plus every time I have thought of something to type, the housework needs doing or the dinner needs cooking or my OH makes a comment about how much time I am spending on the computer of late so I turn it off with the hump.

I should be in bed right now as I start a new placement tomorrow via my agency which starts at 8am. It’s as an Admin Assistant at a local train company.

It may seem way too early to some but I am glad to be going to work. I’ve worked four days since falling pregnant with Bobby after the company I was with sacked me shortly after I told them I was pregnant in May.

It’s been killing me sitting around here all day. I didn’t mind so much while I was pregnant, as I was happy for the rest, plus I had came to accept that I wouldn’t be back in work until after Bobby was born. I just didn’t expect him to be born too early and for me to still be looking for work.

While pregnant I looked into training as a Teaching Assistant which is what I truly want to do but I was advised that I need to be in a school to start with and as the course was for a year, I wasn’t in the right place to be doing it. Since Bobby’s death I’ve been looking into it again but it’s now the school summer holidays which means they don’t re-open until September. The on-line courses I have been looking at all range from £300 - £500 each which I obviously can’t afford. I just don’t want to get stuck working back in an office environment clock watching, working only to pay my bills, sucking up to my boss just because yet again I’m late for work. I’m nearly thirty, I need be in a happy place within my life but nothing seems to be going to plan.

Another thing I have been looking into is seeing a Councillor. There is a lot of things going round in my head at present and I’m tired of crying myself to sleep each night or crying for a minute while I’m on my own and then stopping when my OH walks into the room. It’s just not healthy. There’s also the drink. I’ve managed to stay away from it apart from a bottle I was given for my birthday and my birthday weekend; last weekend where I drank for the whole day and could feel the old alcoholic feelings from three years ago creeping back through. I really do not want to go back to that dark place again. Ever.

Speaking of dark places I really need to get off to bed. It will probably take the usual hour to fall asleep but at least I will have something constructive to wake up for this time.