Thoughts and Wants

Today our baby has been an Angel for a whole month.

Yesterday, I would have been 26 weeks pregnant; six and a half months gone.

Six and a half months seems such a long way to have come but it wasn't meant to be, we only made it to twenty two weeks. For whatever reason, five and a half months doesn't for some reason sound that impressive.

Tuesday is only two weeks ago that we buried him. It seems such a long time ago and yet at the same time it feels as though it never happened. Like the whole thing was a dream.

While lying in bed last night I had a random thought which turned into a fear. What if I get pregnant again and it turns out to be a boy? In all honesty I don't want another boy, it wouldn't feel right. It would feel like Bobby had been replaced with a baby which my body accepted and liked. It would make me feel even more guilty.

I can’t imagine never being pregnant again but I'm shit scared of falling pregnant again. Even though we are not trying to conceive we have had unprotected sex and although it’s only been two weeks since my post labour bleeding finished, I am yet to have my first visit from my AF.

I had twenty eight months of the 'am I, aren't I' question before falling with Bobby and to be back there again is horrible. It’s beyond horrible. It’s scary.

I really wish I had never fallen pregnant to start with and that we were still waiting to fall and when I do get pregnant, I wish that that baby was Bobby. I wish my body had waited to conceive him until it was ready to carry him to full term.

I loved being pregnant with him. He never gave me morning sickness. He kicked me every time I poked my belly to let me know he was there. He kicked every time the nurse checked his heartbeat at the hospital. We played our belly button game together.

Despite the early scares with the bleeding he hung on. Despite the stress I went through with losing my job he hung on. Despite my waters breaking and us being told he would die he hung on. He surprised the M/W and the Doctors when his heartbeat was heard after the cord prolapsed. He hung on all the way through until ultimately my body f*cked it all up and it suffocated him.

I want my Bobby back.