Happy Birthday to Me

It’s my birthday today.

I’m going to try not to turn this into a moping post but its hard not to.

I’m 28, I have no job and this time last week I was waiting to give birth to my dead Son.

Since Bobby's death I have been thinking a lot about my life and wondering where to go from here.

Despite not having a baby to look after I randomly feel old and wise. Ok wise isn’t such a great word but maybe worldly is more of an appropriate way to describe it.

Since moving to London 10 years ago I have lived like a sheep. I’ve always gone from job to job following the money, working in shitting offices, being treated like a bimbo, always knowing there was something else out there but never knowing where to find it or how to find it.

When I got made redundant in April, being pregnant I was upset but not overly upset because I knew I couldn’t get a permanent job so I looked for temporary work but even that never turned up so, I resigned myself to the fact that I would be on benefits until the baby was born. I was happy to take a break from it all and concentrate on being a Mummy.

Now I hate being on benefits and suddenly living like a sheep seems appealing. I have no reason to be out of work anymore and being stuck in this house with its reminders is driving me potty. I need to get back out there again and get back to ‘normal’ as quickly as possible; if that is at all possible.

Ok enough with the moping around, I’m going to pop next door and treat myself to a birthday doughnut.