A Bad Day

This morning I felt so positive. I had plans to do some housework, to go out of the house for the first time since Friday and to clear Bobby's bits from the bedroom. Instead however I have sat here all day in the same spot. I haven’t washed and nor have I dressed and I have only eaten a bowl of cornflakes. I don’t feel hungry even though my belly hurts with hunger.

I’ve spent the past hour crying. It hurts so much. I can not explain the pain I’m feeling but I just feel so empty and as though there is something missing that I’m never going to get back. I’ve been looking at old photos before I got pregnant and I don’t recognize the person looking back and I honestly don’t think I will ever get to meet her again.

People keep telling me that I’m brave but it’s all a front.

I can’t cry in front of people; it’s my way of coping so therefore I seem ok but I’m far from it. The need to be pregnant again has been overwhelming today. My brain still doesn’t register that despite my still swollen tummy, there is no baby inside, and it is now just fat that I really need to get rid of because it’s yet another thing to remind me of what I’ve lost.

I’m going to visit Bobby tomorrow at 12pm.

It will be the first time I will have met him so I’m nervous but at the same time I can’t wait to finally see him and touch him. I’m hoping it will somehow ease the pain. I’ve written him a letter to go into his coffin, saying sorry more then anything else and I’ve printed off a picture of the OH and I so that he doesn’t forget us and so we are always near.

I’ve also sorted some things out to put into his coffin to go along with the letter and the photo. He's too small to wear any of his clothes so I’m taking a blue hat, some mittens and a pair of socks; just so he won’t get cold. I’ve also got his dummy and I will buy him a small teddy tomorrow on my way there.

I don’t know what to do with the rest of his stuff yet. There is just so much of it and its starting to bother me being in the bedroom. I think I’m going to buy a big container and put it all in and maybe one day we can use it for real.

Tomorrow I will also be talking to the woman about his funeral. The lady at the morgue told me that they had already taken a photo of him as well as his hand and footprints, so I shall be coming home with them and they will go into his keepsake box that I’m in the process of putting together.

I just want this pain to go away.