Bobby's Funeral

Tuesday 14th July 2009 at 9am; another date and time forever embedded into my memory.

When I was little I wanted just two things. Firstly for my crush of 5yrs David W to finally notice me and secondly to have twin babies which I would call Chelsea and Christian (this was the 90s)

I didn’t quite understand how babies worked but I knew that your belly grew bigger and out it popped. When I imagined what they would look like it never once crossed my mind that at the age of 28 I would not only find myself pregnant but that I would also be burying that child.

I started researching my Family Tree last year and I discovered that my Great Nan had given birth to a girl who was stillborn. Back then in the 30s a stillbirth was something to be ashamed off and it was never spoken about. Babies were buried outside the cemetery walls as they were not seemed fit to be received by ‘God’. Whilst researching I could only imagine what my Great Nan had gone through as she also went on to bury her other two daughters; one of them being my Nan, and yet here I am finding myself knowing exactly what she went through.

The day itself in retrospect was the second hardest day of my life and yet it wasn’t as bad as I had built it up to be.

The OH and I were met outside the chapel by Lee from the hospital morgue, the minister and a lady pallbearer. We were asked if we wanted to carry Bobby’s coffin into the chapel but we both declined. I had already held Bobby in my arms when I went to visit him and to hold him this time in his little wooden coffin just didn’t seem right.

The sight of the coffin made my OH cry and he continued to cry all throughout the ceremony and for most of the day. Not having seen Bobby before this day I guess it shocked him at how small his coffin was, along with every other new emotion the day brought with it.

We sat on the front row of the chapel and the minister started to speak. To be honest I cannot remember a word he said. For whatever reason I couldn’t cry but I do remember shaking all the way through the ceremony while looking at our baby’s coffin sitting on the pillar and wondering why, if there is such a thing as God, why did he let this happen. Why, if he knew how much we wanted Bobby, why did he take him away? People have said that it was because he was too good for this earth but then does that mean that our next child, should we make it to full term, not be as special because they are allowed to live? What makes one child more special then another?

The service lasted no longer then 10 minutes and with that we followed the car to the cemetery where he would be laid to rest. I will never forget the image of his tiny coffin being put into the pall bearer’s boot.

While Bobby was being placed into his grave a few more words were spoken, we threw some dirt onto his coffin and then it started to rain. It seems silly but this made me smile as I had hoped it would rain all morning. I was once told that if it rains during a funeral then it is a sign that that person is at peace; whether that is true or not, I don’t know, but I do hope so.

Now that Bobby has been laid to rest what now? This is one of many a question I have been asking myself since the day he died.
One thing I do know for sure is that Bobby will never be forgotten. I won’t allow him to be forgotten. His future brother or sister will know all about him and even when the time comes that I am able to go through a whole day without crying, he will always be in my heart. I used to be scared of death but now I know that when the time comes for his Daddy and me it won’t be so bad because we will finally get to be a proper family among the clouds.