Questions and Tears

I’m feeling quite low today. Maybe it’s because I haven’t cried for the past two days I don’t know. I’ve managed to hold it in and not cry myself to sleep for two whole days now. Instead it was my OH who cried himself to sleep last night whilst I stroked his hair. I’m glad he is finally starting to let it out.

The need to be pregnant again has been strong today. My OH wanted us to start trying again a couple of days after Bobby’s death, but I told him to forget it. At that time I couldn’t imagine even DTD, let alone getting pregnant and replacing Bobby. It was clear in my mind that we would start trying again towards the end of the year; once I was back to work and once my body and mind had had time to recover.

However today, having been on my community baby site for most of the day and seeing my old Birth Board’s growing bellies it has made me want to be pregnant again. Is that wrong?

I’m not sure if I am beginning to become jealous of them. Is it too soon. Will I feel guilty for ‘replacing’ my son. How do I know that it won’t take another two years before I fall pregnant again. What if it happens the first time and my body isn’t well enough and we have to go through this heartache for a second time. I don’t think I could carry on if that did happen.
It’s Bobby’s funeral in 34 hours and 15 minutes time and I am sh* tting myself!

We have decided to let the hospital bury Bobby which means he is to be buried in an adult size grave with fifteen other babies. Because he was only 22 weeks we didn’t even get to register his birth or death, it feels as though he is not classed as a ‘real’ person simply because he died two weeks short of what the Government class as ‘viable’. Only the scan photos, his two little photos, his prints and the pain in my heart are confirmation that he was ever here on this earth, not that he got to see any of it.

God I can feel the bad feelings rising up from the pit of my stomach again. I understand that with grief its ‘normal’ to feel angry but it doesn’t soften the blow when it does hit you. I’m jealous and slightly angry at some of the girls on my old Birth Board who are still pregnant, who are posting moaning about their swollen ankles and backache. I would kill to be where they are.

Why is it that women addicted to crack or women who didn’t even want to get pregnant go on to have a full term baby when it took us over two years to fall pregnant and all we got was 5 months of growing our boy; feeling his kicks, dreaming of his future only for it to be taken away because of some stupid f * cking water infection that could otherwise be sorted out with some cranberry juice.

I’m too tired to carry on typing, I can feel the tears rising up again and I need to get off of this laptop and get back to the real world. Not that the real world seems that real anymore.