Life is but a Mystery

I’m sitting here at work where I should be doing last week’s payroll but my mind really isn’t on the job. I feel like I’m currently in a little bubble where I’m not sure what is reality and what isn’t, nor am I sure what to expect next.

Thursday night I had a mini breakdown while lying in bed trying to get to sleep. When I say a breakdown I mean I cried ‘hard’; the hardest I have cried since the week after Bobby’s death. So much so that when I woke Friday morning I had to go to work with swollen eyes. What a lovely look.

The OH went fishing on Thursday afternoon, which meant that Thursday evening was the first time I had an evening to myself for a good few weeks. I was looking forward to this evening by myself so that I could come home from work, chill out on the laptop, have an ‘early’ night and to maybe clear out Bobby’s clothes which were still hanging up in the wardrobe and to feel free to have the freedom to cry if I needed to without trying to hide it from my OH.

I did all of that apart from clearing his clothes out. I did that Friday after work before catching the train to go down to my parents for the weekend.

Taking his clothes out of the wardrobe really wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be. It was actually quite peaceful and although I got a little upset imagining what he should have looked like in some of the items, I didn’t find it as hard as I had built it up to be.

As originally planned, the items which we brought specifically for Bobby or what were brought for him by friends and family were placed into his memorial box. I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of our next child wearing Bobby’s clothes. What I didn’t want to keep I took with me to my parents and thankfully sold most of them at the car boot which we did on Sunday/yesterday.

I must admit having pregnant women coming up to our stall and looking through what should have been my Son’s clothes was hard and I did have to hold back the tears on a couple of occasions but it had to be done.

My 8 year old cousin would was with us came up to me during the day, gave me a cuddle and asked why Bobby had died. If only some adults were as interested as what she is.

I explained that Bobby was very special as he was needed to go to heaven so that he could look after those who he loved down here on Earth and that he was watching over us making sure we were ok. ‘He can’t see me!’ my Cousin said. I explained that he can see everyone and that she should be a good girl because she never knows when he is watching her. ‘But he can’t see everyone at once though’, she said. I replied with that because he was in Heaven he could do magical things and so he could look down on whoever he wanted whenever he wanted. Thankfully she didn’t come back with another smart comment because I had run out of responses lol.

I bought some Folic Acid tablets on Saturday which I have started to take to prepare my body for its next passenger when they should decide to board. We started TTC last night too. I think maybe that’s why my head is a little cloudy today because my mind is now constantly half full of ‘will it be next month’ and then half full of ‘don’t forget not to forget about Bobby’. I’m trying not to get my hopes up that this time next year we will finally have our Earth family but I can’t help it already.

Only time will tell.