Warning - PMA Post!

I’ve decided to write a positive post about Bobby’s death. Not something I ever expected to think about doing, let alone type but although things are still hard deep in my heart, stomach and up there in my mushy brain; it is slowly getting better. Extremely slowly mind but it is getting better.

Today I called the cemetery to ask if the shared grave he is in was full and how long it would be before we could place our memorial onto our section of the grave. As it turns out there are three babies to be buried tomorrow and they will be the last to go in. How horrible is it to have to wait for babies to die just so we can place our memorial. It’s something I can’t think too much about right now as it’s just another thing to overcome in the long process of closure.

The lady on the phone explained that it was best to wait at least 9-12 months before placing the memorial onto the grave. Having never dealt with graves first hand before, I presumed that we would have to wait a few months at the most.

Ok so where is the positive in this post …bear with me while I remember where I left it.

Tomorrow I am going to call the Doctor’s as I need to have my Rubella injection redone as it has run out or something. While I am there I may as well also ask him to do a urine test to make sure that the infection which killed Bobby has now gone. I want to be assured that when I do get pregnant again; the pregnancy won’t start off with an infection in tow.

I finished my first AF on Sunday so I guess the next time we BD we will be trying… We spoke about trying again yesterday. My OH explained that he is scared about getting pregnant again and believe me he’s not the only one. If at all possible we have agreed to keep it a secret from the outside world until our twenty week scan. If I am as big at that stage as I was with Bobby then it will be a hard thing to keep a secret but it needs to be done. There is no way I am jinxing anything and as it was the day we found out about Bobby’s prognosis; as long as the scan goes ok then I guess we will feel a little more easier about the new pregnancy although far from 100% comfortable until that baby is in our arms streaming its head off. I hate the fact that the innocence of pregnancy has been stolen from us along with our Boy.

Ok now for the positive bit ...

I’ve been thinking about how my life has changed for the better since Bobby went to where he is now. I guess this is so my brain can process why it happened and make it seem as though there was a reason for it all.

• Since Bobby’s death the OH and I have become so much closer then I ever thought possible. We will be together 11 years in two weeks time and I can honestly say that Bobby has shown me sides to my OH of which I never realised were there. I really now can not imagine my life without him. {Not that I will tell him that}

• I discovered an inner strength which I didn’t realise was there. I knew before hand that I had a strong pain threshold and that I could push my body to certain limits when required; but I never thought I could do the same emotionally.

• The past two months have made me realise how close I am to my family. Both my parents were at the birth and although at first I didn’t want them to be, I don’t know if I could have gotten through it had it not of been for my Mum sitting beside my bed aaaall afternoon, night and morning, only ever leaving my side a couple of times to use the toilet. She proved over that period that the love for your child really is the greatest love of all. My true friends showed themselves in bright bold colours too and remain to do so. There are still some people who I considered to be good friends who were advised at the time of the situation and yet who have made no contact since. Not even a text to say ‘I’m sorry’. I’m grateful to Bobby for clearing out the trash in my life.

• He has given me a kick up the bum as to work and study too. I’ve always wanted to be a Teaching Assistant for challenged children. I looked into it while pregnant with him but due to being pregnant and the course being a year long, no one would then take me on. Now I have got myself a job; ok it’s only temping but it’s a start and I am currently looking into taking a home learning course possibly studying Child Psychology

• Lastly and most importantly he has opened my eyes to what life is really like. Yes it is mostly sh t, but when its good, its brilliant. The good parts must to be grabbed at, remembered and stored away for a later date to then be taken back out to give you a much needed smile when you need it most.

I look forward to that day when every time I think of Bobby I smile. I look forward to my future with him eternally right beside me, whispering ‘Come on Mummy be brave, you can do it’.