Finding Out a Friend is Pregnant

I would have been 27 weeks today. Jesus. I know I need to stop doing this every Wednesday but Wednesdays still have meaning to me, as do; Thursday’s = the day he died, Friday’s = the day he was ‘born’, Tuesday’s = the day he was buried. Wednesday’s were our Milestone day. Wednesday was both scan days and the day I was taken into hospital and the day we were told our Son would die. Wednesday’s are a big deal to me.

I wonder how long it will take before I stop counting these days … after his due date … after his 1st Angel Birthday … when he was suppose to start school … his 18th? Maybe I’ll never stop counting and the last time I count will be the day that I die. That day where he is there to greet me; the day I get to hold him again and the day were I finally get to see what colour his eyes are.

I had that random thought yesterday while in the kitchen cooking dinner. It is obvious he took after my OH as he had his lips, nose, legs and black eyebrows which would mean I’m guessing, that he would of had black hair too; just like his Daddy. The only suggestion that I am his Mummy was his chin. I wonder if he had my Green eyes or if he really was his Dad’s spitting image and had his Dark Brown eyes. It’s something I will never know.

This week has been an emotional week, one of the hardest in fact since the two weeks post Bobby’s death.

Sunday night I found out that one of my old friends is pregnant which I won’t lie it upset me. We have already had this conversation so nothing I am typing is any news to her and this is not in anyway a rant at her as she knows I’m not upset with her personally, obviously.

I already have two friends who are currently pregnant and who were pregnant before I was, so I guess I am used to them being pregnant; although I’m not looking forward to their births.

This friend is the first to fall pregnant since Bobby’s death so I suppose it would be hard. Not through any fault of her own at all it reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant and it brought back the excitement of everything being new. The first MW appt. the sickness, the scary aches etc etc. It just brought home to me the fact that I am not longer pregnant. It’s a sh * tty feeling to have when it finally hits you.

I also found out that my temporary job; which I was hoping would become permanent, had already been advertised before I got here so despite that fact that I may be here for three months say, I will still need to train the new person. I just need, no I WANT a job!

In the twelve years of working, I have never had so much trouble finding a permanent job. It’s been nearly two years now that I’ve been temping. At first it was fun but now it’s tiring me out. I’m tired of the worry about where money is coming from and if the bills are going to get paid each month. I admit this was a huge worry while pregnant with Bobby but TBH I got to the point where I didn’t care anymore. I was happy to sign on, I was happy to be pregnant, but now that I’m no longer pregnant, I need some sort of focus to take me away from feeling sorry for myself. I guess I’m tired of life giving me hope only for it to take it all back and shout ‘yeah right, think again’.

I went to the gym yesterday after work and I plan to go every Tuesday and Thursday. I’ve been feeling rather self conscious recently, namely because I’ve put on over a stone from the pregnancy and secondly because we do not seem to be DTD. I don’t know if it’s because I’m desperate to do it in order to fall pregnant and that’s why the lack of it is bothering me but I’ve been worrying that it’s because my OH no longer fancies me. I’ve been asking him every day and he always says ‘of course I do’, but it doesn’t help the way I feel. Another reason for the sudden interest in the gym is to get my body in shape for when I ‘do’ fall pregnant again.

I am determined that when I do fall pregnant, my body will have no excuse to kill my baby again. At least I now know what to look for and what I can and can’t get away.

I just hope that all the things I have always wanted in my life finally come together and we get the break that we so rightly deserve and which we have been waiting years to arrive.