*sigh*
I miss this place. I actually forgot about its existence until a week or so ago when I happened to randomly stumble across it via Google and since then I have been waiting for the right post to appear to come back with.
A lot has happened since I last posted in July.
I'm not pregnant (still) BUT that's ok. We are having tests while at the same time using the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor which I'll be honest, was exciting at first but has now become a bit of a chore. And quite a passion killer. Being told when to have sex by a machine is a little boring and quite regularly causes an argument over 'pressure' *rolls yes* but it has to be done and for the first time in a long time, I am 'ok' about not being pregnant. And being the last of my Angel friends not to be. My Doctor has finally prescribed me with Levothyroxine (3 yrs and 6 months late) which has helped with the tiredness, mood swings and appetite - which has ultimately helped with the weight gain, so onwards and upwards we go.
I went on secondment in August until October over to the dark side i.e HR. I truly believed I would LOVE it, however, I hated most of it. But I learnt a hell of a lot. Which was great in itself. I did things in those three months that Id never done before - I held presentations, I sat in on executive meetings with people who truly believed I knew what I was talking about. I did quite a few home visits and sat in on grievance interviews. I travelled ALOT. Most of all though, for the first time in years, I felt confident and professional. Those feelings soon disappeared of course within a few weeks of being back at the depot, but hey, it felt ok while it lasted. I am glad to be back with the boys though, knowing exactly what I am doing while being able to be 'me'.
In September I left the 'charity' I had been with for a year and set up my own not for profit organisation with the help of some very good friends. We officially launched on the 1st October and although we had a rough start with the move over, it now couldn't be going better. I am proud of my little baby and although its not yet taken over the world, that's ok because we are making a different slowly and surely.
Upon Butterfly Wings can be found via the website, Twitter Instagram and of course on Facebook. We provide hospitals within London and the South of England with knitted, crochet and sewn blankets, hats, wraps, teddies, booties and much much more for babies lost to early m/c all the way through to 3 months post full term birth (the neonatal period). As well as that, we also provide parents, grandparents and siblings with memory boxes post hospital. Its nice to be able to help someone else in a subtle but effective way but if it wasn't for the help of our crafters and others who donate and the whole UBW team, I know it would not have taken off.
I started counselling three weeks ago... something I thought I would never ever do again but something of which I am glad to be doing. The lady is lovely. Shes not patronising, she doesn't pretending to know what its like to lose a child and strangely a small percentage of our sessions so far have been around Bobby. Not through choice, she has managed to get things out of me which I'll be honest I didn't realise where an issue until spoken about. She says that although losing Bobby and not being able to fall pregnant again are two separate issues, my mind has twisted them into being the same thing and she is right. I couldn't see it before of course, but having her explain it to me and me taking a step back to analyse it, she does make sense. I guess its the old saying of not being able to see something clearly until its pointed out to you. Talking to a real life person instead of a computer screen has helped. Its easy to say 'I wish Id done it sooner' as in all honestly, I don't think I was ready, as I wasn't ready the first time a couple of months after his death. Something, I don't know what, feels different inside. Which is good of course.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Link Back 1#
This is a few weeks overdue so I apologise to Sydney over at Letters to Claire who has given me a Stylish Blog Award!
Its my first ever blog award since starting blogging back in *whispers* 2004, so thank you so much Sydney. Please go show Sydney and her Angel Claire some love.
Here are the rules:
Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Share 10 things about yourself. Award 10 recently discovered great bloggers. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!
Things About Me
1. I am a Cancerian and I can honestly say that every trait a Cancerian is supposed have; I do. I’m a home body, I love my family and friends, I am very very sensitive, I am a worrier and I am extremely creative. Unfortunately I can also be quite a jealous person; something which I have thankfully learnt to control over the years and like an elephant, I never ever forget and I can hold a grudge for as long as needs be. I am a nice person though honest.
2. I moved to London from my home town in January 2000 after meeting my OH at work; he was born in London. I was 17 and he was 27 at the time and as you can imagine this didn’t go down too well with my parents but thankfully after nearly 13 years together, I think we have proved them wrong.
3. I can not drive but I am very worryingly starting driving lessons next month; once I have sent off for my provisional and brought a pair of glasses that is because I am very badly short-sighted.
4. I can not swim. I nearly drowned twice while having swimming lessons at school and I think that is why because ever since then I have had a very bad fear of the water. I did take swimming lessons 4 years ago with a friend who also couldn’t swim but I just could not overcome that fear and so I gave up. My friend however went on to learn. This subject has always been somewhat of a bug bear between the OH and I because he loves the water and just can not understand how I can have a fear of water which usually starts an argument.
5. I do not and never have held a passport. Yes this means that I have never been out of the UK but does this bother me? No not at all actually. You don’t need to be out of our own country to feel on holiday; its all about what you make it.
6. I have a birthmark right between my eyebrows. In my baby photos it is very prominent but as the years have gone by it has faded and with makeup you can not see it. However when I get very hot or angry it appears like a little red self destruct button
7. My Mums side is Romany Gypsy. Unfortunately it was my Brother who inherited the olive skin, black hair and deep dark brown eyes while I have been left with pale skin which hates the sun, curly light brown hair and green eyes which makes people ask if I am Irish which I find quite funny considering when you think of Gypsy you think of the Irish community of travellers who still exist today.
8. I used to be a very sporty person until the teenage years came along and I swapped sport for another activity starting with ‘s’; the sofa. At 16 I used to play hockey for my home town as the goalie and I can proudly state that I never once let a single ball in.
9. The OH and I have climbed Ben Nevis in Scotland twice. It took 8 hours to get up there and another 4 hours to get down. I admit to crying half way up but once you are there on the top it is the most wonderful feeling of self pride imaginable. What isn’t so fun though is when its dark and you get lost on the way down.
10. I have to add this simply because for some strange reason people seem to find it so fascinating that they constantly make comments about it. I have size 3 feet. They used to be a size 4 and I’ve noticed that the past few months I’ve found it hard to find a pair of 3’s which fit correctly so who knows; this time next year they may well be a size 2. My feet seem to shrink as my arse and belly grows … if only I could work out how to make it the other way around …
And the Awards Go To: I sadly admit to posting and running in the past; i.e. I post on my blog and do not take a moment each day to read others, however this past week I have been making an effort by putting Google Reader to good use during my lunch break and through GR have come across some fabulous blogs of all genres who have reminded me that there is a whole community out there: 1. Letters to Claire and no this isn't because she gave me the award.
Claire has a habit of writing posts which make me sit there and think 'yes that's what I think too', 'yes that's happened to me too' she has a knack of writing what I think and feel and by doing so, it makes her blog so easy to relate to. Her husband also contributes to the blog; something of which I have never seen before and something which I think is a brilliant idea because men do get forgotten despite the fact that our Angels have two parents not just us Mummies.
2. Lily's Mommy Forever As time goes on, I find it more difficult to relate to the 'new' Angel Mum blogs. Mainly because I have forgotten the initial raw pain in those first few months after Bobby died; thankfully. Because Jen is a year ahead, her blog is like reading into the future of what is yet to come in regards to emotions and life itself, which is very refreshing. Jen was also the first remembrance photo I received for Bobby of which I will forever be thankful for.
Its my first ever blog award since starting blogging back in *whispers* 2004, so thank you so much Sydney. Please go show Sydney and her Angel Claire some love.
Here are the rules:
Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Share 10 things about yourself. Award 10 recently discovered great bloggers. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!
Things About Me
1. I am a Cancerian and I can honestly say that every trait a Cancerian is supposed have; I do. I’m a home body, I love my family and friends, I am very very sensitive, I am a worrier and I am extremely creative. Unfortunately I can also be quite a jealous person; something which I have thankfully learnt to control over the years and like an elephant, I never ever forget and I can hold a grudge for as long as needs be. I am a nice person though honest.
2. I moved to London from my home town in January 2000 after meeting my OH at work; he was born in London. I was 17 and he was 27 at the time and as you can imagine this didn’t go down too well with my parents but thankfully after nearly 13 years together, I think we have proved them wrong.
3. I can not drive but I am very worryingly starting driving lessons next month; once I have sent off for my provisional and brought a pair of glasses that is because I am very badly short-sighted.
4. I can not swim. I nearly drowned twice while having swimming lessons at school and I think that is why because ever since then I have had a very bad fear of the water. I did take swimming lessons 4 years ago with a friend who also couldn’t swim but I just could not overcome that fear and so I gave up. My friend however went on to learn. This subject has always been somewhat of a bug bear between the OH and I because he loves the water and just can not understand how I can have a fear of water which usually starts an argument.
5. I do not and never have held a passport. Yes this means that I have never been out of the UK but does this bother me? No not at all actually. You don’t need to be out of our own country to feel on holiday; its all about what you make it.
6. I have a birthmark right between my eyebrows. In my baby photos it is very prominent but as the years have gone by it has faded and with makeup you can not see it. However when I get very hot or angry it appears like a little red self destruct button
7. My Mums side is Romany Gypsy. Unfortunately it was my Brother who inherited the olive skin, black hair and deep dark brown eyes while I have been left with pale skin which hates the sun, curly light brown hair and green eyes which makes people ask if I am Irish which I find quite funny considering when you think of Gypsy you think of the Irish community of travellers who still exist today.
8. I used to be a very sporty person until the teenage years came along and I swapped sport for another activity starting with ‘s’; the sofa. At 16 I used to play hockey for my home town as the goalie and I can proudly state that I never once let a single ball in.
9. The OH and I have climbed Ben Nevis in Scotland twice. It took 8 hours to get up there and another 4 hours to get down. I admit to crying half way up but once you are there on the top it is the most wonderful feeling of self pride imaginable. What isn’t so fun though is when its dark and you get lost on the way down.
10. I have to add this simply because for some strange reason people seem to find it so fascinating that they constantly make comments about it. I have size 3 feet. They used to be a size 4 and I’ve noticed that the past few months I’ve found it hard to find a pair of 3’s which fit correctly so who knows; this time next year they may well be a size 2. My feet seem to shrink as my arse and belly grows … if only I could work out how to make it the other way around …
And the Awards Go To: I sadly admit to posting and running in the past; i.e. I post on my blog and do not take a moment each day to read others, however this past week I have been making an effort by putting Google Reader to good use during my lunch break and through GR have come across some fabulous blogs of all genres who have reminded me that there is a whole community out there: 1. Letters to Claire and no this isn't because she gave me the award.
Claire has a habit of writing posts which make me sit there and think 'yes that's what I think too', 'yes that's happened to me too' she has a knack of writing what I think and feel and by doing so, it makes her blog so easy to relate to. Her husband also contributes to the blog; something of which I have never seen before and something which I think is a brilliant idea because men do get forgotten despite the fact that our Angels have two parents not just us Mummies.
2. Lily's Mommy Forever As time goes on, I find it more difficult to relate to the 'new' Angel Mum blogs. Mainly because I have forgotten the initial raw pain in those first few months after Bobby died; thankfully. Because Jen is a year ahead, her blog is like reading into the future of what is yet to come in regards to emotions and life itself, which is very refreshing. Jen was also the first remembrance photo I received for Bobby of which I will forever be thankful for.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Bobbys 2nd Birthday
It was Bobby's 2nd birthday in Heaven on Sunday.
The build up as per last year wasn't so great. I cried myself to sleep a couple of times during the week, the usual tightness was there inside of my chest as was the fuzzy non-concentrating brain and on occasion my mind was forced to remember via flashbacks of that day.
On the day itself though I couldn't have felt anymore different.
We started the day in Homebase buying the fencing for his grave - I haven't posted for a while but since my last post we finally received Bobby's grave stone on the 1st July so we were able to finally make his grave as we had wanted to since he had been buried.
My OH dropped me and the fence off at the graveside while he went to pick his Mum up as she wanted to help us dig the grave over and place the stone and place everything else we had for him on there. Because the day was such a lovely hot day, I was able to sit down next to the grave on my own for the first time since he was buried. It was quite strange to be there alone and for the first time I felt able to talk to him out loud. I don't often talk to him in my head as it is so it was a new thing to do but it was a nice thing to do.
Once they had arrived, we started digging the initial layers of soil over and placing the fence. We then placed the stone on along with the windmills and the plant pots as well as sprinkling the ground with poppy seed which will hopefully grow sporadically by the time we next visit. After spending a couple of hours there we headed back to the MIL's and then back home where life carried on as usual.
Unlike last year though we did buy him a cake and light a candle of which my friend Kate had brought. My OH was very against this when I suggested it last year but for whatever reason he had nothing against it this year. Maybe he has accepted that this is it and that going along with it is easier then ignoring it or whatever, I don’t know but what I do know is that it was a 'nice' day. It was again nice to spend the day away from the computer, to spend the day without having anyone round and to spend the day with Bobby around us in the air. 
Bobby did receive some lovely birthday cards, sadly none of which were from any family or real life friends but he did receive eight in total from my Angel Mummy friends and from the other Lisa’s Stars Admin.Sadly I am unable to sign off this post without a little rant and I will most probably sound like a moaning minnie but as expected there were less wishes received then last year and those who sent cards last year, didn’t this year but on the up side those who didn’t send cards last year did this year and without wanting to dwell to much on others actions because it is upsetting to think about, we remembered him and that is all that counts.
We his parents will never ever forget him and no matter how many cards or wishes we receive he will not be coming back. I know that. We know that, but unfortunately the need for him to be remembered by others will always remain. After all I am expected - forced even maybe - to remember others children on their birthdays and frowned upon for not sending a card or buying a present but hey, that’s the life of an Angel Parent. It’s full of the constant whispering longing for your baby to come back, its full of the contradiction of others words against their actions and I expect that as the years roll on by he will receive less cards, there will be less wishes sent and I do sometimes wonder that if it wasn’t for Facebook, would he actually be remembered by those who are supposed to remember at all.
Maybe next year I will answer this question by not reminding people via a status or an event. We shall see.
Friday, 10 June 2011
Where I Am – 1 Year 11 Months
Many thanks to Angie from Still Life with Circles for the Right Where I Am project which allows women from all walks of life and at all stages of their loss to talk about where they are in their lives since ‘that’ day took place. Please pop over there and join in.
I can only remember small parts of the days, weeks and months after Bobby died and I am thankful for that because what I do remember bloody hurt, real bad. I am thankful for this blog because it allows me to look back occasionally and realise just how far I have come. For the first time since Friday 3rd July 2009, I really, honestly, hand on my heart, do feel ‘ok’ about life and where it is heading.
It is Bobby’s 2nd birthday in just under a month and this is the first major occasion which I have not built up to be a huge monster of a day.
Ok I am 2 stones heavier in weight since his death due to depressive eating and down right laziness but my mind is lighter. My emotions have been up and down from month to month (you only have to read the blog posts to witness this) but these past two-ish months have been the most consistent emotional wise since before he came into our lives.
The relationship between the OH and I has become more passionate since his death. Not passionate in a sexual way but when we argue there is passion behind it. Our arguments have meaning to them now where as before they were often petty and pointless. Having worked our way through all of the shit which the death of your child brings to your relationship, there is no longer that guilt or feeling of ‘does he blame me for what happened’. We are now able to speak about Bobby for what he is; our child. Gone has the feeling of not being able to speak about him for the fear of upsetting each other at the sound of his name. The lump at the back of the throat while trying to speak his name is no longer there. We are (finally) currently waiting for is memorial stone to be laid and I know for a fact this has helped me emotionally beyond words.
Work currently is the best it has ever been. Having started the job only two weeks after Bobby died I have grown as a person within it (the ‘new’ me) as much as the role has grown in regards to its responsibility around me.
Friends and family have not changed much since that day. If anything I have become closer to certain friends and family then ever before. They are all quick to provide virtual hugs even when not actually needed which can sometimes annoy me or make me chuckle but hey, a hug is a hug and each one has meaning behind it.
I am comfortable knowing that Bobby will always be remembered by these people no matter how many years pass. They have taken some wonderful photos especially to go into his birthday book of which I am most thankful for. Don’t get me wrong, some friends and family never have wanted to be involved with his remembrance, or even to this day do not feel comfortable for me to speak about him to them but do you know what, I’ve learnt to accept that and god help them if life throws them a shitty stick.
Helping others through Lisa’s Stars Charity has helped towards the above listed feelings beyond words. What better way to keep your baby's memory alive than to help others in the same position.
I understand this post most probably sounds as though I am walking around like a Princess in a Walt Disney movie but believe me this has been long time coming and boy its taken buckets of tears, manic depressive thoughts, a hell of a lot of weeks of feeling worthless as a woman and paranoid that my little man will be forgotten.
And so to cut out the crap and honestly respond to the statement in the title of this post - Where I Am ...
I am in the final stage of my grief ... I am in Acceptance. I have accepted that Bobby is dead, that our first and only Son died beyond our control and I have accepted that no matter how many tears I cry or wishes I make, he is not going to come back but that does not mean that he is not here.
And with that acceptance, comes the light of Where I truly Am.
I can only remember small parts of the days, weeks and months after Bobby died and I am thankful for that because what I do remember bloody hurt, real bad. I am thankful for this blog because it allows me to look back occasionally and realise just how far I have come. For the first time since Friday 3rd July 2009, I really, honestly, hand on my heart, do feel ‘ok’ about life and where it is heading.
It is Bobby’s 2nd birthday in just under a month and this is the first major occasion which I have not built up to be a huge monster of a day.
Ok I am 2 stones heavier in weight since his death due to depressive eating and down right laziness but my mind is lighter. My emotions have been up and down from month to month (you only have to read the blog posts to witness this) but these past two-ish months have been the most consistent emotional wise since before he came into our lives.
The relationship between the OH and I has become more passionate since his death. Not passionate in a sexual way but when we argue there is passion behind it. Our arguments have meaning to them now where as before they were often petty and pointless. Having worked our way through all of the shit which the death of your child brings to your relationship, there is no longer that guilt or feeling of ‘does he blame me for what happened’. We are now able to speak about Bobby for what he is; our child. Gone has the feeling of not being able to speak about him for the fear of upsetting each other at the sound of his name. The lump at the back of the throat while trying to speak his name is no longer there. We are (finally) currently waiting for is memorial stone to be laid and I know for a fact this has helped me emotionally beyond words.
Work currently is the best it has ever been. Having started the job only two weeks after Bobby died I have grown as a person within it (the ‘new’ me) as much as the role has grown in regards to its responsibility around me.
Friends and family have not changed much since that day. If anything I have become closer to certain friends and family then ever before. They are all quick to provide virtual hugs even when not actually needed which can sometimes annoy me or make me chuckle but hey, a hug is a hug and each one has meaning behind it.
I am comfortable knowing that Bobby will always be remembered by these people no matter how many years pass. They have taken some wonderful photos especially to go into his birthday book of which I am most thankful for. Don’t get me wrong, some friends and family never have wanted to be involved with his remembrance, or even to this day do not feel comfortable for me to speak about him to them but do you know what, I’ve learnt to accept that and god help them if life throws them a shitty stick.
Helping others through Lisa’s Stars Charity has helped towards the above listed feelings beyond words. What better way to keep your baby's memory alive than to help others in the same position.
I understand this post most probably sounds as though I am walking around like a Princess in a Walt Disney movie but believe me this has been long time coming and boy its taken buckets of tears, manic depressive thoughts, a hell of a lot of weeks of feeling worthless as a woman and paranoid that my little man will be forgotten.
And so to cut out the crap and honestly respond to the statement in the title of this post - Where I Am ...
I am in the final stage of my grief ... I am in Acceptance. I have accepted that Bobby is dead, that our first and only Son died beyond our control and I have accepted that no matter how many tears I cry or wishes I make, he is not going to come back but that does not mean that he is not here.
And with that acceptance, comes the light of Where I truly Am.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
A Month Away
Wow it’s been a while.
It’s not so much the fact that it’s been nearly a month since the last post; it is more the fact that I am typing this on my work computer. They blocked Blogger more than six months ago so I am not sure how Ive managed to get back on here today. Hey, I’m not complaining.
The past month has been hectic to say the least.
Lisas Stars has taken off in dramatic style which is fantastic. As well as still being a part of the London Regional Rep Team I have fallen into the role of helping to enlist new Representatives. Its amazing how much can get done with people taking time out to help us and asking for nothing in return.
The OH and I are having a 'date night' tonight. A very much needed evening together where the arguments will hopefully be replaced with DTD!
Speaking of which the TTC isn’t really going that well but then what can I expect when my ever growing fat a * se is sat in one spot all night on the sofa in front of the laptop when it should be sat on something else making babies! To be honest, everything to do with ‘baby making’ has been pushed to the back of my mind simply because there is no room left for it due to it being ever filled with things to remember for Lisas Stars and work in general lol. For the first time in months I don’t feel weighed down by not being pregnant.
It is my 30th birthday in exactly 39 days *rolls eyes* and so, unhappy with my weight/dress size/hormones etc I have this week started to do something about it.
I have signed myself up to walk half a marathon in and around the streets of Battersea on the 24th July in just my bra and jogging bottoms. The intention was good at first but as it draws nearer and as Ive yet to do something to make sure I don’t give the public a shock of their lives, the butterflies have kicked in.
My best friend and I started attending Zumba classes twice a week quite some weeks back now which is great fun. Well one of the classes is I should say. Monday's class is held in a working mans club hall by a ‘proper’ dance teacher who is brilliant and the amount of sweat that pours out of this body is amazing. The fact that the hall is small and there are only around 20 people at each class means that you can see and hear what is going on, which helps greatly when you are trying to learn new steps. I could quite happily attend her class everyday if it wasn’t for the fact that she doesn’t hold them everyday... :/
Thursday night’s class however is different in many ways. It is held in the gym hall by an aerobic instructor and as we are always forced to the back of the hall where we can see and hear nothing, we often find ourselves spending the 45 minuets laughing or getting annoyed because we have no idea WTF is going on. I hate Thursday's class infact. So much so that I’m joining the gym next week and will replace the Zumba for a gym session.
I started a new ‘diet’ yesterday. Ok its not a diet, it’s a ‘stop eating 12 chocolate bars and drinking 20 cans of coke a day, get off your a * se and cut your portion sizes down you lard tart’ healthy eating plan.
Ive also started taking multivitamins, iron and evening primrose oil too to give the old body a boost. Fingers crossed the public will not be shocked!
Away from the diet and work, we finally ordered Bobbys grave stone two weeks ago. I am sure when it is placed I will feel sad at finally seeing it, but knowing that its ordered and that he will finally have a beautiful place to rest in makes me feel happy. It’s a simple stone of 12x6x6 in white with black lettering; with a butterfly in the top right hand corner but simple is what we wanted. The OH’s friend is a stone mason so has thankfully given us the stone for free, so all we have had to pay for is the lettering and for it to be laid.
If it wasn’t for his friend I don’t think we would have ever been able to afford a stone but I have my fingers crossed that is is made and laid in time for his 2nd birthday on the 3rd July.
It’s ridiculous how much money death can make and cost someone. Financially as well as emotionally.
It’s not so much the fact that it’s been nearly a month since the last post; it is more the fact that I am typing this on my work computer. They blocked Blogger more than six months ago so I am not sure how Ive managed to get back on here today. Hey, I’m not complaining.
The past month has been hectic to say the least.
Lisas Stars has taken off in dramatic style which is fantastic. As well as still being a part of the London Regional Rep Team I have fallen into the role of helping to enlist new Representatives. Its amazing how much can get done with people taking time out to help us and asking for nothing in return.
The OH and I are having a 'date night' tonight. A very much needed evening together where the arguments will hopefully be replaced with DTD!
Speaking of which the TTC isn’t really going that well but then what can I expect when my ever growing fat a * se is sat in one spot all night on the sofa in front of the laptop when it should be sat on something else making babies! To be honest, everything to do with ‘baby making’ has been pushed to the back of my mind simply because there is no room left for it due to it being ever filled with things to remember for Lisas Stars and work in general lol. For the first time in months I don’t feel weighed down by not being pregnant.
It is my 30th birthday in exactly 39 days *rolls eyes* and so, unhappy with my weight/dress size/hormones etc I have this week started to do something about it.
I have signed myself up to walk half a marathon in and around the streets of Battersea on the 24th July in just my bra and jogging bottoms. The intention was good at first but as it draws nearer and as Ive yet to do something to make sure I don’t give the public a shock of their lives, the butterflies have kicked in.
My best friend and I started attending Zumba classes twice a week quite some weeks back now which is great fun. Well one of the classes is I should say. Monday's class is held in a working mans club hall by a ‘proper’ dance teacher who is brilliant and the amount of sweat that pours out of this body is amazing. The fact that the hall is small and there are only around 20 people at each class means that you can see and hear what is going on, which helps greatly when you are trying to learn new steps. I could quite happily attend her class everyday if it wasn’t for the fact that she doesn’t hold them everyday... :/
Thursday night’s class however is different in many ways. It is held in the gym hall by an aerobic instructor and as we are always forced to the back of the hall where we can see and hear nothing, we often find ourselves spending the 45 minuets laughing or getting annoyed because we have no idea WTF is going on. I hate Thursday's class infact. So much so that I’m joining the gym next week and will replace the Zumba for a gym session.
I started a new ‘diet’ yesterday. Ok its not a diet, it’s a ‘stop eating 12 chocolate bars and drinking 20 cans of coke a day, get off your a * se and cut your portion sizes down you lard tart’ healthy eating plan.
Ive also started taking multivitamins, iron and evening primrose oil too to give the old body a boost. Fingers crossed the public will not be shocked!
Away from the diet and work, we finally ordered Bobbys grave stone two weeks ago. I am sure when it is placed I will feel sad at finally seeing it, but knowing that its ordered and that he will finally have a beautiful place to rest in makes me feel happy. It’s a simple stone of 12x6x6 in white with black lettering; with a butterfly in the top right hand corner but simple is what we wanted. The OH’s friend is a stone mason so has thankfully given us the stone for free, so all we have had to pay for is the lettering and for it to be laid.
If it wasn’t for his friend I don’t think we would have ever been able to afford a stone but I have my fingers crossed that is is made and laid in time for his 2nd birthday on the 3rd July.
It’s ridiculous how much money death can make and cost someone. Financially as well as emotionally.
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Fcuk this Siht
Why do I do it to myself.
Why do I let people I dont even know upset me.
A post written yesturday from a woman on my old birth board saying they started TTC two weeks ago and today; she has a BFP.
2 weeks vs 22 months. Whats with that. Why her when she already has two healthy childen; one the age Bobby should be at now and shes been gifted with yet another without even trying???
WTF DO I NEED TO DO TO BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE?????? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!
Why do I let people I dont even know upset me.
A post written yesturday from a woman on my old birth board saying they started TTC two weeks ago and today; she has a BFP.
2 weeks vs 22 months. Whats with that. Why her when she already has two healthy childen; one the age Bobby should be at now and shes been gifted with yet another without even trying???
WTF DO I NEED TO DO TO BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE?????? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!
Saturday, 7 May 2011
To Write their Names in the Sand
My little man's name has been written in the sand of an Australian beach.
If you are an Angel Parent and you haven't already, please check out this site.
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Prayers Answered
Thank you to everyone who prayed and/or left a message.
My friends girl was discharged from hospital yesterday and is well and truly on the mend.
It was close, they were taken to the family room just after she was transferred to another hospital and told that they could not guarantee she would wake but thankfully the CT Scan showed no sign of damage to her brain or organs and they managed to wake her from the machine at around 2am that night.
On a scale of 1-15 in regards to the level of deepness in a coma (didn't know there was a scale but there you go) she was at number 3.
Maybe prayers do work after all.
On another note, it appears I have had a very early miscarriage again. I tested two days ago and had a nice dark line and yet last night I started experiencing cramps and today I have been bleeding with some clots and there was only one line on todays test.
I had a little cry earlier on today but with this being the second early miscarriage since Bobby 22 months ago, its the proof Ive needed these past few months that I am capable of fall pregnant and that we are DTD at the correct time since we changed our methods 3 months ago
I know a loss is a loss but this is nothing compared to that of giving birth to a sleeping baby so I am no way devastated as what I was 22 months ago.
I have promised myself that I shall never ever test until way after my AF is late even if there is something inside telling me to do so. They do say that 70% of pregnancies are chemical or early miscarriages when trying so hopefully we've reached that mark now over the past nearly 5 years and that the next time I do fall pregnant, we manage to make it to the full nine months on our 5th attempt.
One day.
My friends girl was discharged from hospital yesterday and is well and truly on the mend.
It was close, they were taken to the family room just after she was transferred to another hospital and told that they could not guarantee she would wake but thankfully the CT Scan showed no sign of damage to her brain or organs and they managed to wake her from the machine at around 2am that night.
On a scale of 1-15 in regards to the level of deepness in a coma (didn't know there was a scale but there you go) she was at number 3.
Maybe prayers do work after all.
On another note, it appears I have had a very early miscarriage again. I tested two days ago and had a nice dark line and yet last night I started experiencing cramps and today I have been bleeding with some clots and there was only one line on todays test.
I had a little cry earlier on today but with this being the second early miscarriage since Bobby 22 months ago, its the proof Ive needed these past few months that I am capable of fall pregnant and that we are DTD at the correct time since we changed our methods 3 months ago
I know a loss is a loss but this is nothing compared to that of giving birth to a sleeping baby so I am no way devastated as what I was 22 months ago.
I have promised myself that I shall never ever test until way after my AF is late even if there is something inside telling me to do so. They do say that 70% of pregnancies are chemical or early miscarriages when trying so hopefully we've reached that mark now over the past nearly 5 years and that the next time I do fall pregnant, we manage to make it to the full nine months on our 5th attempt.
One day.
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Prayers
Ive made it quite clear a number of times within this blog that I do not believe in God however for the first time in my life, tonight I shall be praying in case someone is listening.
An hour ago I had a call from my best friend to say she was with her 12 year old in hospital in intensive care after she found her daughter passed out from alcohol. She had been 'dumped' by her first boyfriend only a few days ago ... we all know that the world seems to end at that age over what we now class as 'stupid' things but really, please do not let this be a waste of a life over something so so stupid.
She is currently not breathing on her own; the machine is doing that for her and they are currently waiting for a CT-scan to see what is happening. This is a very very scary time for all.
If you believe or even if you don't, please pray that she does make it through and that she wakes up with only an extremely bad hangover.
An hour ago I had a call from my best friend to say she was with her 12 year old in hospital in intensive care after she found her daughter passed out from alcohol. She had been 'dumped' by her first boyfriend only a few days ago ... we all know that the world seems to end at that age over what we now class as 'stupid' things but really, please do not let this be a waste of a life over something so so stupid.
She is currently not breathing on her own; the machine is doing that for her and they are currently waiting for a CT-scan to see what is happening. This is a very very scary time for all.
If you believe or even if you don't, please pray that she does make it through and that she wakes up with only an extremely bad hangover.
Monday, 18 April 2011
A-Z Word Challenge: O - One Lonely Journey
Yet another PM to let me personally know that they are pregnant (2nd in a week).
Yet another birth announcement on my news feed to congratulate.
Yet another friend visited, having had cuddles with their new born (2nd in one weekend)
Yet another bout of feeling like a dog who has pissed on the carpet having their nose rubbed into it to show them how crap they are despite it being the most natural thing in the world.
Yet another birth announcement on my news feed to congratulate.
Yet another friend visited, having had cuddles with their new born (2nd in one weekend)
Yet another bout of feeling like a dog who has pissed on the carpet having their nose rubbed into it to show them how crap they are despite it being the most natural thing in the world.
Friday, 15 April 2011
A-Z Blogging Challenge: M - What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied, with confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies, when they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you, what your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile, with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home, and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied, with confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies, when they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you, what your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile, with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home, and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me, until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see what makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
A-Z Challenge: K - The Mother-in-Law 'K'nows Best
It is my MIL’s 76th birthday today.
Most people are shocked when I tell them I have a Mother in Law who is in her 70’s and on finding this information out the first question they ask is ‘how do you get on with her?’ as though because she is a pensioner, it automatically means we are miles apart in life style, morals and conversation.
Despite the 46 year age gap I get on great with my MIL and I always have done over the past 13 years. Infact I think Im quite lucky in that respect if reading others stories about their MIL’s is anything to go by.
I’ll admit at first she scared the pants off of me because I was only 17 and unknown to me my OH had told her I was 21 (he was 27 at the time), and the 6 months we lived with her back in 2008 I never felt ‘at home’ – not through any fault of her own but simply because out of respect for her I always kept in mind that this was her house and I always made sure things were put away and the washing up done straight after we ate – unlike now ;) and on occasion she has jarred me slightly by interfering in money situations but I understand that that was simply out of concern for our welfare at that time.
Infact I think it’s safe to say that if it wasn’t for her we would have been up sh*ts creak without a paddle quite a few times over the past decade. She gave us a home when our landlord moved back in and we had both lost our jobs. She has lent us money more times then I wish to remember but most of all she has always been ‘there’. I am thankful my OH has her for a Mother and I am thankful to her for him. I also praise her for putting up with my OH during his teens through to his early twenties because quite frankly he was a monster and should our children ever act like he did its save to say I will end up in a home for the insane.
As an older parent and then a single parent after my FIL – who Ive never met – ran off with her best friend she is one of the strongest women I know. I am very lucky to have and to have had such strong women within my life. They are proof that you can make it through whatever life throws at you.
I know I shouldn’t think this way and my OH has told me off when I stupidly shared my concerns with him some time ago; I feel and I have always felt it my duty to provide her with a Grandchild and with every year that passes the sickness within my stomach at the thought that I will not fulfil my duty arises.
As heartbreaking as it was for us when Bobby died, I felt I had let her down. She has been brilliant with Bobby and I respect the fact that after he died she called to ask if she could go visit him before his coffin was sealed. It brings a smile to my face every time I think of when she told me how she had unwrapped him on that visit, how she has taken the time to take in every single part of him and how she kissed him and talked to him. I am thankful that she sat with us in the chapel at his burial and cried along with us. I love the fact she see’s him as her first Grandchild and I know that she will continue to do so no matter how many more Grandchild we go on to give her.
I am lucky that she has never said the wrong thing that she has never dictated how I must feel but most of all I am grateful how she knows that I will never get over him, just as she will never forget him.
Most people are shocked when I tell them I have a Mother in Law who is in her 70’s and on finding this information out the first question they ask is ‘how do you get on with her?’ as though because she is a pensioner, it automatically means we are miles apart in life style, morals and conversation.
Despite the 46 year age gap I get on great with my MIL and I always have done over the past 13 years. Infact I think Im quite lucky in that respect if reading others stories about their MIL’s is anything to go by.
I’ll admit at first she scared the pants off of me because I was only 17 and unknown to me my OH had told her I was 21 (he was 27 at the time), and the 6 months we lived with her back in 2008 I never felt ‘at home’ – not through any fault of her own but simply because out of respect for her I always kept in mind that this was her house and I always made sure things were put away and the washing up done straight after we ate – unlike now ;) and on occasion she has jarred me slightly by interfering in money situations but I understand that that was simply out of concern for our welfare at that time.
Infact I think it’s safe to say that if it wasn’t for her we would have been up sh*ts creak without a paddle quite a few times over the past decade. She gave us a home when our landlord moved back in and we had both lost our jobs. She has lent us money more times then I wish to remember but most of all she has always been ‘there’. I am thankful my OH has her for a Mother and I am thankful to her for him. I also praise her for putting up with my OH during his teens through to his early twenties because quite frankly he was a monster and should our children ever act like he did its save to say I will end up in a home for the insane.
As an older parent and then a single parent after my FIL – who Ive never met – ran off with her best friend she is one of the strongest women I know. I am very lucky to have and to have had such strong women within my life. They are proof that you can make it through whatever life throws at you.
I know I shouldn’t think this way and my OH has told me off when I stupidly shared my concerns with him some time ago; I feel and I have always felt it my duty to provide her with a Grandchild and with every year that passes the sickness within my stomach at the thought that I will not fulfil my duty arises.
As heartbreaking as it was for us when Bobby died, I felt I had let her down. She has been brilliant with Bobby and I respect the fact that after he died she called to ask if she could go visit him before his coffin was sealed. It brings a smile to my face every time I think of when she told me how she had unwrapped him on that visit, how she has taken the time to take in every single part of him and how she kissed him and talked to him. I am thankful that she sat with us in the chapel at his burial and cried along with us. I love the fact she see’s him as her first Grandchild and I know that she will continue to do so no matter how many more Grandchild we go on to give her.
I am lucky that she has never said the wrong thing that she has never dictated how I must feel but most of all I am grateful how she knows that I will never get over him, just as she will never forget him.
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
A-Z Challenge: J - 'J'ust One Line Away
Who knew a 2 inch piece of plastic could bring about so many emotions. Confusion, fear, excitement just three of which I am feeling right now.
I am only two weeks into my cycle and yet there appears to be two lines upon a pregnancy test I took yesterday evening. I am confused because I thought I was ovulating this week, I am fearful to get my hopes up incase it turns out to be a chemical pregnancy or a dud test and a teeny tiny part of me wishes to burst out with excitement but I simply wont allow it until it is proven that I am infact pregnant for real.
I made a promise with myself months ago that should I find myself pregnant again, I would not tell a soul until our 20 week scan and yet as soon as the faint line appeared yesterday in a mass of confusion, I text three friends; two of whom have gone on to have their Rainbow babies, asking them if it is possible for ovulation to be picked up on a pregnancy test. Apparently it appears not.
I don’t know what to think and I can’t get it out of my head. I took another test last night (thankfully I brought a pack of three) which again showed a second but fainter line then before and yet another test first thing this morning, again showing a second faint line and yet despite this ‘proof’ my brain can not accept the possibility of there being another baby until my AF does not arrive. I know for a fact that even if I were to do a thousand tests between now and my AF’s arrival, I will still question its accuracy until the AF does a no show.
*If* I am pregnant, it would mean that my last AF was either a dud one or that I ovulated straight after my AF finished meaning that I am either 6+ weeks or 2 weeks pregnant.
I simply went shopping after work yesterday and brought a pack of three for no reason. Now I have taken the test I ‘feel’ pregnant. I hate the way my body and mind occasionally form a tag team to confuse me or get my hopes up.
I have been getting cramps today. That I am not imagining. I ‘feel’ as though I am about to come on my AF and my boobs are slightly hard but I cant keep from thinking that it’s the want making my body feel this way rather then the fact that I could actually be pregnant.
I asked my OH after showing him the test if he would be pleased if it turn out to be true, to which he replied he would be but then went on to tell me to forget about it for a few days and then test again. How are men capable of blocking something so huge like this out of their minds? I wish I could block it out I really do but I can’t and I wont be able to until the 25th April. Forget D Day, this is bigger then that. AF Day could not arrive a day too soon.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
A-Z Challenge: E - Empathy
Since childhood I have always felt ‘different’. I was always the ‘sensitive’ one out of my Brother and I and a huge daydreamer – I still am infact. What better and cheaper way to escape real life then by drifting off into your own mind for 5 minutes or so at a time.
I have always been able to read others body language without trying and I have always had a strong ‘need’ to help others, something which became extremely heightened after Bobby died, so strong infact that I wanted to become a counsellor. By helping others it helped me but the downside to this – which I discovered a year into his death – it held my mind back from learning to accept what had happened. It halted the growth within.
I am always being told to put myself first and I always find myself travelling around the UK to visit friends and family and spending hours on making sure they are well sorted and cared for at special times of the year only to find the majority of the time that I do not receive the same effort in return which often leads to feel of deflation and yet this doesn’t stop me from continuing to do so.
In every group of friends, each friend has a subconscious role. There is always that friend you call up for a drink or a dance, one who you can guarantee you will always have a good time with. There is always that friend who you can go to the cinema with if you fancy a relaxed evening, one who doesn’t mind spending hours doing nothing. And of course there is always that friend you call when you need to rant or who you know will give you advice and make you feel calm; that friend has always been me. I am that poor soul on the bus who mad/drunk/homeless people sit next to every time and talk to.
Despite having many friends and a loving family I often feel alone in my head. I am often described by my friends as being ‘relaxed’ or ‘mellow’ and yet if they were to see within my mind they would use another more appropriate word – you only have to read this blog to understand what I mean. The majority of the time I feel let down by the world and can very quickly go into ‘I want to be alone’ depressive mode. I need at least one day a week to myself, where I don’t go online, where I do not receive a phone call and should I one day become stranded on a dessert island that would be just fine.
Last year while randomly Googleling I came across many articles about Empathy and Empaths and instantly my insides clicked. Finally I had found something which explained perfectly why I had always felt ‘different’.
Why I have always had ‘feelings’ for plants, why I always named my toys, gave them personalities and felt guilty for putting them away or throwing them out. Why I can feel sorry for a rock or twig sitting there on its own in the middle of a patch of grass/dirt. Why I can one day wake up feeling on top of the world only to have my mood change within a millisecond depending on who I was around. Why I find it so easy to walk into a room and read those in there and sense heated situations before they erupt into a fight (something very handy to have while in a club).
Why I have never physically felt ‘alone’ due to the amount of people around me and yet emotionally feel so alone at the same time. Why I find it so bloody impossible to let others know my inner most feelings and yet I am so open when it comes to my life on a practical level. (Thinking about it this blog knows more about the inner most workings of my mind then my actual friends and family do)
My name is Lucy and I am an empath.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Empathy is the ability to read and understand people and be in-tune with or resonate with others, voluntarily or involuntarily of one's empath capacity.
Empaths have the ability to scan another's psyche for thoughts and feelings or for past, present, and future life occurrences. Many empaths are unaware of how this actually works, and have long accepted that they were sensitive to others.
Empaths Sense Deep Emotions
Empathy is a feeling of another's true emotions to a point where an empath can relate to that person by sensing true feelings that run deeper than those portrayed on the surface. People commonly put on a show of expression. This is a learned trait of hiding authentic expression in an increasingly demanding society.
An empath can sense the truth behind the cover and will act compassionately to help that person express him/herself, thus making them feel at ease and not so desperately alone.
Empaths experience empathy towards family, children, friends, close associates, complete strangers, pets, plants and inanimate objects. Empathy is not held by time or space. Thus, an empath can feel the emotions of people and things at a distance. Some are empathic towards animals (ie: The Horse Whisperer), to nature, to the planetary system, to mechanical devices or to buildings etc. Others will have a combination of the above.
Empaths Have Deep Sense of Knowing
Empaths are highly sensitive. This is the term commonly used in describing one's abilities (sensitivity) to another's emotions and feelings. Empaths have a deep sense of knowing that accompanies empathy and are often compassionate, considerate, and understanding of others.
There are also varying levels of strength in empaths which may be related to the individual’s awareness of self, understanding of the powers of empathy, and/or the acceptance or non-acceptance of empathy by those associated with them, including family and peers. Generally, those who are empathic grow up with these tendencies and do not learn about them until later in life.
Empathy is Inherited
Empathy is genetic, inherent in our DNA, and passed from generation to generation. It is studied both by traditional science and alternative healing practitioners.
Empathy has both biological/genetic and spiritual aspects.
Empaths often possess the ability to sense others on many different levels. From their position in observing what another is saying, feeling and thinking, they come to understand another. They can become very proficient at reading another persons body language and/or study intently the eye movements. While this in itself is not empathy, it is a side-shoot that comes from being observant of others. In a sense, empaths have a complete communication package.
How Empathy Works
While there is much we don't yet understand about how empathy works, we do have some information. Everything has an energetic vibration or frequency and an empath is able to sense these vibrations and recognize even the subtlest changes undetectable to the naked eye or the five senses.
Words of expression hold an energetic pattern that originates from the speaker. They have a specific meaning particular to the speaker. Behind that expression is a power or force-field, better known as energy. For example, hate often brings about an intense feeling that immediately accompanies the word. The word hate becomes strengthened with the speaker's feeling. It is that person's feelings (energy) that are picked up by empaths, whether the words are spoken, thought or just felt without verbal or bodily expression.
Empaths are often poets in motion. They are the born writers, singers, and artists with a high degree of creativity and imagination. They are known for many talents as their interests are varied, broad and continual, loving, loyal and humorous. They often have interests in many cultures and view them with a broad-minded perspective. They are mother, father, child, friend, nurse, caregiver, teacher, doctor, sales people... to psychic, clairvoyant, healer, etc. (That is not to say that any of these categories are all empaths.) The list is extensive and really unimportant. It is more important to notice that empaths are everywhere--in every culture and throughout the world.
Empaths Are Good Listeners
Empaths are often very affectionate in personality and expression, great listeners and counsellors (and not just in the professional area). They will find themselves helping others and often putting their own needs aside to do so. In the same breath, they can be much the opposite. They may be quiet, withdrawn from the outside world, loners, depressed, neurotic, life's daydreamers, or even narcissistic.
They are most often passionate towards nature and respect its bountiful beauty. One will often find empaths enjoying the outdoors, beaches, walking, etc. Empaths may find themselves continually drawn to nature as a form of release. It is the opportune place to recapture their senses and gain a sense of peace in the hectic lives they may live. The time to get away from it all and unwind with nature becomes essential to the empath. Animals are often dear to the heart of empaths, not as a power object, but as a natural love. It is not uncommon for empaths to have more than one pet in their homes.
Traits of an Empath
Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings.
However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.
Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavour to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.
Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.
People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light.
Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding.
Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind.
Written by Christel Broederlow Copyright (c) 2002 Christel Broederlow Shortened Version from The Empath Report 101
I have always been able to read others body language without trying and I have always had a strong ‘need’ to help others, something which became extremely heightened after Bobby died, so strong infact that I wanted to become a counsellor. By helping others it helped me but the downside to this – which I discovered a year into his death – it held my mind back from learning to accept what had happened. It halted the growth within.
I am always being told to put myself first and I always find myself travelling around the UK to visit friends and family and spending hours on making sure they are well sorted and cared for at special times of the year only to find the majority of the time that I do not receive the same effort in return which often leads to feel of deflation and yet this doesn’t stop me from continuing to do so.
In every group of friends, each friend has a subconscious role. There is always that friend you call up for a drink or a dance, one who you can guarantee you will always have a good time with. There is always that friend who you can go to the cinema with if you fancy a relaxed evening, one who doesn’t mind spending hours doing nothing. And of course there is always that friend you call when you need to rant or who you know will give you advice and make you feel calm; that friend has always been me. I am that poor soul on the bus who mad/drunk/homeless people sit next to every time and talk to.
Despite having many friends and a loving family I often feel alone in my head. I am often described by my friends as being ‘relaxed’ or ‘mellow’ and yet if they were to see within my mind they would use another more appropriate word – you only have to read this blog to understand what I mean. The majority of the time I feel let down by the world and can very quickly go into ‘I want to be alone’ depressive mode. I need at least one day a week to myself, where I don’t go online, where I do not receive a phone call and should I one day become stranded on a dessert island that would be just fine.
Last year while randomly Googleling I came across many articles about Empathy and Empaths and instantly my insides clicked. Finally I had found something which explained perfectly why I had always felt ‘different’.
Why I have always had ‘feelings’ for plants, why I always named my toys, gave them personalities and felt guilty for putting them away or throwing them out. Why I can feel sorry for a rock or twig sitting there on its own in the middle of a patch of grass/dirt. Why I can one day wake up feeling on top of the world only to have my mood change within a millisecond depending on who I was around. Why I find it so easy to walk into a room and read those in there and sense heated situations before they erupt into a fight (something very handy to have while in a club).
Why I have never physically felt ‘alone’ due to the amount of people around me and yet emotionally feel so alone at the same time. Why I find it so bloody impossible to let others know my inner most feelings and yet I am so open when it comes to my life on a practical level. (Thinking about it this blog knows more about the inner most workings of my mind then my actual friends and family do)
My name is Lucy and I am an empath.
Empathy is the ability to read and understand people and be in-tune with or resonate with others, voluntarily or involuntarily of one's empath capacity.
Empaths have the ability to scan another's psyche for thoughts and feelings or for past, present, and future life occurrences. Many empaths are unaware of how this actually works, and have long accepted that they were sensitive to others.
Empaths Sense Deep Emotions
Empathy is a feeling of another's true emotions to a point where an empath can relate to that person by sensing true feelings that run deeper than those portrayed on the surface. People commonly put on a show of expression. This is a learned trait of hiding authentic expression in an increasingly demanding society.
An empath can sense the truth behind the cover and will act compassionately to help that person express him/herself, thus making them feel at ease and not so desperately alone.
Empaths experience empathy towards family, children, friends, close associates, complete strangers, pets, plants and inanimate objects. Empathy is not held by time or space. Thus, an empath can feel the emotions of people and things at a distance. Some are empathic towards animals (ie: The Horse Whisperer), to nature, to the planetary system, to mechanical devices or to buildings etc. Others will have a combination of the above.
Empaths Have Deep Sense of Knowing
Empaths are highly sensitive. This is the term commonly used in describing one's abilities (sensitivity) to another's emotions and feelings. Empaths have a deep sense of knowing that accompanies empathy and are often compassionate, considerate, and understanding of others.
There are also varying levels of strength in empaths which may be related to the individual’s awareness of self, understanding of the powers of empathy, and/or the acceptance or non-acceptance of empathy by those associated with them, including family and peers. Generally, those who are empathic grow up with these tendencies and do not learn about them until later in life.
Empathy is Inherited
Empathy is genetic, inherent in our DNA, and passed from generation to generation. It is studied both by traditional science and alternative healing practitioners.
Empathy has both biological/genetic and spiritual aspects.
Empaths often possess the ability to sense others on many different levels. From their position in observing what another is saying, feeling and thinking, they come to understand another. They can become very proficient at reading another persons body language and/or study intently the eye movements. While this in itself is not empathy, it is a side-shoot that comes from being observant of others. In a sense, empaths have a complete communication package.
How Empathy Works
While there is much we don't yet understand about how empathy works, we do have some information. Everything has an energetic vibration or frequency and an empath is able to sense these vibrations and recognize even the subtlest changes undetectable to the naked eye or the five senses.
Words of expression hold an energetic pattern that originates from the speaker. They have a specific meaning particular to the speaker. Behind that expression is a power or force-field, better known as energy. For example, hate often brings about an intense feeling that immediately accompanies the word. The word hate becomes strengthened with the speaker's feeling. It is that person's feelings (energy) that are picked up by empaths, whether the words are spoken, thought or just felt without verbal or bodily expression.
Empaths are often poets in motion. They are the born writers, singers, and artists with a high degree of creativity and imagination. They are known for many talents as their interests are varied, broad and continual, loving, loyal and humorous. They often have interests in many cultures and view them with a broad-minded perspective. They are mother, father, child, friend, nurse, caregiver, teacher, doctor, sales people... to psychic, clairvoyant, healer, etc. (That is not to say that any of these categories are all empaths.) The list is extensive and really unimportant. It is more important to notice that empaths are everywhere--in every culture and throughout the world.
Empaths Are Good Listeners
Empaths are often very affectionate in personality and expression, great listeners and counsellors (and not just in the professional area). They will find themselves helping others and often putting their own needs aside to do so. In the same breath, they can be much the opposite. They may be quiet, withdrawn from the outside world, loners, depressed, neurotic, life's daydreamers, or even narcissistic.
They are most often passionate towards nature and respect its bountiful beauty. One will often find empaths enjoying the outdoors, beaches, walking, etc. Empaths may find themselves continually drawn to nature as a form of release. It is the opportune place to recapture their senses and gain a sense of peace in the hectic lives they may live. The time to get away from it all and unwind with nature becomes essential to the empath. Animals are often dear to the heart of empaths, not as a power object, but as a natural love. It is not uncommon for empaths to have more than one pet in their homes.
Traits of an Empath
Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings.
However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings.
Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavour to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly.
Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see.
People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light.
Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding.
Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind.
Written by Christel Broederlow Copyright (c) 2002 Christel Broederlow Shortened Version from The Empath Report 101
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Mothers Day - 2nd Year
Angry not because my Son is not here to buy me a teddy or a card or a bunch of flowers or chocolates. I feel angry because society does not class me as a Mother.
I felt my Son kick, I felt a love for him from the moment the lines showed on the test, I went through 16 hours of labour and I watched as he was put into the ground.
I made sure my own Mum and MIL felt loved today and it worked, they do and yet has anyone thought to maybe do the same to me, of course not, why would they, to them because I do not have a child here on Earth who keeps me up at night, I am not a Mother.
I expect that as soon as another baby comes along I will be showered with love by chocolates, cards, teddies, maybe breakfast in bed. Be wished a 'Happy Mothers Day' on my social networking site walls as have my other friends had this year. It is not my fault my Son died and it is not my fault I have not yet been blessed with a second child.
Last year was different. I was acknowledged as being a Mother. This year it appears I have been forgotten. That is why I feel anger today. I feel anger towards those who say they care.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
A-Z Challenge: B - 'B'
The letter B never had any meaning 20 months ago. It was simply the 2nd letter of the alphabet. The letter which, out of all 26 letters appeared to have had too much dinner that evening with its double bloated belly. 21 months ago today the letter B became a huge significance within our lives.
The letter B is proudly displayed upon my body, permanently tattooed into the skin of my right wrist in an elegant black italic form. My first ‘Bobby’ memorial tattoo. Just 6 days after he died on my 28th birthday I sat in the chair staring into space, being aware of the scratching from the needle but I felt no pain despite the blood. I remember the tattooist making a joke, asking me if it was my boyfriend ‘Barry’s’ initial. He stopped joking once Id told him it was ‘the initial of my Son who had died last week’. It was the first time I had been out of the house since being home from the hospital, the first time I had physically spoken to someone in those 6 days and the first time I had experienced what the words ‘Son’ and ‘Died’ could do to a stranger.
The letter B is proudly displayed upon my body, permanently tattooed into the skin of my right wrist in an elegant black italic form. My first ‘Bobby’ memorial tattoo. Just 6 days after he died on my 28th birthday I sat in the chair staring into space, being aware of the scratching from the needle but I felt no pain despite the blood. I remember the tattooist making a joke, asking me if it was my boyfriend ‘Barry’s’ initial. He stopped joking once Id told him it was ‘the initial of my Son who had died last week’. It was the first time I had been out of the house since being home from the hospital, the first time I had physically spoken to someone in those 6 days and the first time I had experienced what the words ‘Son’ and ‘Died’ could do to a stranger.
Friday, 1 April 2011
A-Z Blogging Challenge: A - An Angel Never Dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
A-Z Blogging Challenge
“The premise of the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge is to post something on your blog every day in April except for Sundays. In doing this you will have 26 blog posts--one for each letter of the alphabet. Each day you will theme your post according to a letter of the alphabet.
You will only be limited by your own imagination in this challenge. There is an unlimited universe of possibilities. You can post essays, short pieces of fiction, poetry, recipes, travel sketches, or anything else you would like to write about. You don't have to be a writer to do this. You can post photos, including samples of your own art or craftwork. Everyone who blogs can post from A to Z”
I have tried a challenge like this before and never completed it but this time I am determined to do so. More so because and as I have typed before, my blog requires a lift of some sort.
It isn’t hard to see that I only come here when I need to rant or remember. I don’t utilise it to document the ‘good stuff’, which thinking about it must make me look like a right moody cow when in reality on the surface Im the most laid back person you can get. (Note I said on the surface)
Hopefully knowing I have no choice but to visit this blog every day will get the love back for blogging. I used to love writing here, emptying my head of my thoughts and stepping away from the keyboard feeling lighter. 2011 just hasn’t been shown the same amount of love as 2009 and 2010 and the empath within me just isn’t comfortable with that.
As with everything else in life – and to quote my most used closing line – we shall see what happens.
Monday, 28 March 2011
Period Number 48
I don’t know why but I currently feel I am in no mans land. Actually I do know why; my AF has arrived today.
It’s a sad fact that if I do not fall pregnant in April, our 2011 baby dream is over and it continues into yet another year.
How many more years will we trip into until we finally take our own baby home? How many more friends and/or family am I expected to smile at when they announce they are pregnant before we can finally announce our pregnancy?
Two fellow Angel Mums are currently in hospital because their rainbow babies are due at any moment; as happy as I am for them both, they both lost a year after we lost Bobby and yet they get to have their rainbow babies before we get ours??? How does that work exactly? Has the need for a baby gotten so bad that I am even beginning to feel jealous over an Angel Mum’s pregnancy? What kind of a woman does that make me?
The amount of times I hear someone say 'God only gives you what he thinks you can handle' he has taken our only long awaited baby away and we dealt with it so why has he not given us another chance, does he not think we can handle a real, screaming, kicking, happy, giggling baby? More importantly why am I questioning what a God I don’t believe in is doing to us?
I am 30 in three months. I honestly thought things would be different. I presumed I would be married and that I would have at least one living child. Instead here I am ruled by my fertility, my period and my biological clock.
I am sick of friends presuming I am pregnant just because I mention that I am tired; of always being asked if we are trying or 'any news yet?' like our sex life is public property and do they honestly think that if there was 'news' that they would not know by now?! Then there is the ‘oh well you never know it might happen next month’ spiel. I am tired of my FB status’ getting ‘hugs’ responses when I have in fact put a happy go lucky status on there only for it to be misinterpreted to mean something else.
Just because I have lost do people see me as the poor soul who needs hugs at every opportunity? People tell me I’m strong and yet they treat me like a china doll. I am tired of being the one whose baby died. I would like to be looked upon as 'normal' once more; even if it only lasts for 9 whole months.
It’s a sad fact that if I do not fall pregnant in April, our 2011 baby dream is over and it continues into yet another year.
How many more years will we trip into until we finally take our own baby home? How many more friends and/or family am I expected to smile at when they announce they are pregnant before we can finally announce our pregnancy?
Two fellow Angel Mums are currently in hospital because their rainbow babies are due at any moment; as happy as I am for them both, they both lost a year after we lost Bobby and yet they get to have their rainbow babies before we get ours??? How does that work exactly? Has the need for a baby gotten so bad that I am even beginning to feel jealous over an Angel Mum’s pregnancy? What kind of a woman does that make me?
The amount of times I hear someone say 'God only gives you what he thinks you can handle' he has taken our only long awaited baby away and we dealt with it so why has he not given us another chance, does he not think we can handle a real, screaming, kicking, happy, giggling baby? More importantly why am I questioning what a God I don’t believe in is doing to us?
I am 30 in three months. I honestly thought things would be different. I presumed I would be married and that I would have at least one living child. Instead here I am ruled by my fertility, my period and my biological clock.
I am sick of friends presuming I am pregnant just because I mention that I am tired; of always being asked if we are trying or 'any news yet?' like our sex life is public property and do they honestly think that if there was 'news' that they would not know by now?! Then there is the ‘oh well you never know it might happen next month’ spiel. I am tired of my FB status’ getting ‘hugs’ responses when I have in fact put a happy go lucky status on there only for it to be misinterpreted to mean something else.
Just because I have lost do people see me as the poor soul who needs hugs at every opportunity? People tell me I’m strong and yet they treat me like a china doll. I am tired of being the one whose baby died. I would like to be looked upon as 'normal' once more; even if it only lasts for 9 whole months.
Saturday, 5 March 2011
Riding the Waves of Time
Its currently 00:32 here in the UK on a Friday night.
I have been off work since Thursday because a fellow Angel Mum was due to visit today but is now not arriving until tomorrow morning.
My OH has gone fishing for the weekend, he will probably be back on Monday and so I am sitting here with a half bottle of rose left with no one on line to chat too; quite frankly I am bored.
So bored that I am sitting here waiting for some washing to finish.
I hate Friday nights in on my own.
I have been off work since Thursday because a fellow Angel Mum was due to visit today but is now not arriving until tomorrow morning.
My OH has gone fishing for the weekend, he will probably be back on Monday and so I am sitting here with a half bottle of rose left with no one on line to chat too; quite frankly I am bored.
So bored that I am sitting here waiting for some washing to finish.
I hate Friday nights in on my own.
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