I don’t know why but I currently feel I am in no mans land. Actually I do know why; my AF has arrived today.
It’s a sad fact that if I do not fall pregnant in April, our 2011 baby dream is over and it continues into yet another year.
How many more years will we trip into until we finally take our own baby home? How many more friends and/or family am I expected to smile at when they announce they are pregnant before we can finally announce our pregnancy?
Two fellow Angel Mums are currently in hospital because their rainbow babies are due at any moment; as happy as I am for them both, they both lost a year after we lost Bobby and yet they get to have their rainbow babies before we get ours??? How does that work exactly? Has the need for a baby gotten so bad that I am even beginning to feel jealous over an Angel Mum’s pregnancy? What kind of a woman does that make me?
The amount of times I hear someone say 'God only gives you what he thinks you can handle' he has taken our only long awaited baby away and we dealt with it so why has he not given us another chance, does he not think we can handle a real, screaming, kicking, happy, giggling baby? More importantly why am I questioning what a God I don’t believe in is doing to us?
I am 30 in three months. I honestly thought things would be different. I presumed I would be married and that I would have at least one living child. Instead here I am ruled by my fertility, my period and my biological clock.
I am sick of friends presuming I am pregnant just because I mention that I am tired; of always being asked if we are trying or 'any news yet?' like our sex life is public property and do they honestly think that if there was 'news' that they would not know by now?! Then there is the ‘oh well you never know it might happen next month’ spiel. I am tired of my FB status’ getting ‘hugs’ responses when I have in fact put a happy go lucky status on there only for it to be misinterpreted to mean something else.
Just because I have lost do people see me as the poor soul who needs hugs at every opportunity? People tell me I’m strong and yet they treat me like a china doll. I am tired of being the one whose baby died. I would like to be looked upon as 'normal' once more; even if it only lasts for 9 whole months.
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I won't give you any virtual (((hugs))) ;)
ReplyDeleteBut I will tell you I can understand how it feels not to have your rainbow baby. I've accepted the fact that we will never have our rainbow baby. I am not going to be pregnant again. That is hard to accept, but I know it's true. It's very hard to sit back and watch everyone else who suffered a loss when you did, go on to have another baby. I'm so sorry.
OK, I lied, I'm sending you a huge hug! :)
Wishing you nothing but the best.
Thank you hun for the hug and for the laugh at the end. AF always annoyingly sends me into a woe me mood so its a little shamefull to read it back today.
ReplyDeleteIm sorry you are unable to go on to have anymore children, I cant possibly know how that feels and thats where I need to remember that ok it takes us a long time to fall pregnant (Bobby took 28 months) but we still have that chance, so thank you for reminding me of that fact.
Sometimes I think we need reminding that we are not as hard done by as we first originally beleive we are.
Hugs right back at you. xox