A-Z Challenge: J - 'J'ust One Line Away

Who knew a 2 inch piece of plastic could bring about so many emotions. Confusion, fear, excitement just three of which I am feeling right now.

I am only two weeks into my cycle and yet there appears to be two lines upon a pregnancy test I took yesterday evening. I am confused because I thought I was ovulating this week, I am fearful to get my hopes up incase it turns out to be a chemical pregnancy or a dud test and a teeny tiny part of me wishes to burst out with excitement but I simply wont allow it until it is proven that I am infact pregnant for real.

I made a promise with myself months ago that should I find myself pregnant again, I would not tell a soul until our 20 week scan and yet as soon as the faint line appeared yesterday in a mass of confusion, I text three friends; two of whom have gone on to have their Rainbow babies, asking them if it is possible for ovulation to be picked up on a pregnancy test. Apparently it appears not.

I don’t know what to think and I can’t get it out of my head. I took another test last night (thankfully I brought a pack of three) which again showed a second but fainter line then before and yet another test first thing this morning, again showing a second faint line and yet despite this ‘proof’ my brain can not accept the possibility of there being another baby until my AF does not arrive. I know for a fact that even if I were to do a thousand tests between now and my AF’s arrival, I will still question its accuracy until the AF does a no show.

*If* I am pregnant, it would mean that my last AF was either a dud one or that I ovulated straight after my AF finished meaning that I am either 6+ weeks or 2 weeks pregnant.

I am quite angry at myself for having gone ahead and tested despite there being absolutely no reason to have taken a test to begin with. My last AF finished 2 weeks ago and any ‘signs’ I may have had I took for ovulation. I was into my third week of a health and fitness plan and feeling quite good about myself and the effects the combination of both appeared to have upon my body.

I simply went shopping after work yesterday and brought a pack of three for no reason. Now I have taken the test I ‘feel’ pregnant. I hate the way my body and mind occasionally form a tag team to confuse me or get my hopes up.

I have been getting cramps today. That I am not imagining. I ‘feel’ as though I am about to come on my AF and my boobs are slightly hard but I cant keep from thinking that it’s the want making my body feel this way rather then the fact that I could actually be pregnant.

I asked my OH after showing him the test if he would be pleased if it turn out to be true, to which he replied he would be but then went on to tell me to forget about it for a few days and then test again. How are men capable of blocking something so huge like this out of their minds? I wish I could block it out I really do but I can’t and I wont be able to until the 25th April. Forget D Day, this is bigger then that. AF Day could not arrive a day too soon.