Tired

I have a strong need to type. A few things have been going around in my head over the weekend and they haven’t been helped with ‘the sadness’ making its return.

I’ve got appearing normal in public down to a tee, yet I can’t seem to control my emotions while I’m on my own. I thought joining a slimming club would take my mind off of Bobby and would give me something else to concentrate on and it did work for a couple of days, until on Sunday when he came flooding back into my thoughts.

I have no concentration at home or at work. I’m getting up late every morning; the anemia is a contributor I know that and its my own fault for not always taking the right dose every day, but when I am here, I’m doing things like this … putting my thoughts onto Word instead of doing the work that I’m paid to do. When I’m at home, I’m off in my own dream world or on the computer. I can’t be bothered with anything else.

I wake up on a weekend planning to do housework or finish off what I had started the week before, maybe see a friend, be sociable and yet before I know it, I’ve done nothing all day, seen no one and its time for bed to start the working week all over again.

I woke up at 2pm on Saturday tired. I’m constantly tired, it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep, I am tired. I sometimes wish I could be like Sleeping Beauty. Sleep for one hundred years and wake up to find that the world has moved on and I can start all over again.

My lack of concentration has been causing a few problems between the OH and I too. I made an effort on Friday to buy a nice steak for dinner of which my OH asked if he could have an egg, mushrooms, chips and beans with, which was fine, I had no problems with that. I don’t often buy steak as we can’t really afford it, so I thought it would be a nice treat. Come Sunday, I cook the steak while also on the net which was a bad move. The steak comes out rubbery, the chips are undercooked and I forget to cook the mushrooms and egg. Infact, I don’t at the time actually remember him asking for an egg and yet now thinking about it, he did. This of course causes an argument and leads me to go to the bedroom, lying on the bed and crying my eyes out for a good two hours.

As usual I started off crying over the steak incident but then it soon became all about Bobby and ‘what should have been’. Each and every time I go through the birth in detail; the ‘silence’ of the room. It’s known a silent birth and yet there is nothing silent about it at all. It is a haunting sound which will no doubt stay with me forever.

I have decided, I don’t know when, but I have decided that I don’t want to fall pregnant any time soon. I’m not ready emotionally or physically. I can’t see myself falling pregnant with the amount of stress flowing through my veins anyway, and plus there is the small thing of having to BD in order to fall pregnant, one thing of which we are not doing. Infact, we haven’t BD for a month now and before that, it was only a couple of times over the course of two or so months.

He puts it down to stress; I put it down to feeling unattractive or too tired. I think what it comes down to is that we are both too scared. I want to make completely 100% sure that my body is ready this time. I thought it ready the last time but I was proved wrong in the worst way possible.

I have a Doctors appointment this evening to make sure that the infection has gone as the course of antibiotics ended last week. The diet is going well even though it only started on Friday. The work trousers I am currently wearing are already baggy. I admit I have been feeling hungry all weekend, but I am getting used to it now. I have had a good couple of years of abusing my body with too much alcohol and man size portions and eating when I’m not even hungry, so I can’t see how training my body to cope with the hunger for the next ten weeks will do it much harm. I want to hit my target.

Most of all, I want to feel comfortable within my own skin once more.