Bobby,
Hey you, I hope you are ok up there. Ive been thinking about you more then normal recently and have been meaning to write to you but just haven’t had the right words. Mummy has been feeling a little down and confused lately and wishing you were here more then ever.
You most probably know already but you’re Daddy and I nearly split last night and even though we both agreed we are not good for each other, for some reason we just can’t take that last step to be apart. This really is our last chance and I really do not know what is going to happen; I’m feeling a little lost right now. I’m sorry to put this on you but you always seem to be around most when Mummy is upset or thinking of you, it would be nice to have a little sign that things will eventually be ok.
You were at Elizabeth's 1st birthday party on Saturday weren’t you little man. Jo knows you were too. You loved that little TV so much that you had to play with it at the exact moment both Jo and I thought about you separately; maybe Mummy will buy you one for Christmas if you liked it that much.
I love you Bobby I really do. Please ignore all the stupid stuff Mummy does and know that you are in my messy thoughts all the time.
Love Mummy xox
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Thursday, 4 November 2010
A Note to Heaven (4)
Dear Bobby
Hello little man, Mummy needs to write to you tonight because she is missing you extra special at this moment in time.
Its the night before Bonfire; the night you should have been born. Had things worked out as they were supposed to do, you would have turned the big one today. How things could/should have been so different.
This time last year I had booked the day off work and Daddy and I had left you a lovely red balloon and your rose made of feathers at your grave.
This year, I am sat here indoors on my own as your Daddy has gone fishing, with the TV on in the background, the sound on mute with my i-pod in my ears, with the intention of escaping the world through the words of the music blaring into my ears.
I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that I miss you and even though I haven't left you a balloon this year, you have been in my thoughts all day long and you will continue to be until my eyes finally close at bed time.
Love Mummy xox
Hello little man, Mummy needs to write to you tonight because she is missing you extra special at this moment in time.
Its the night before Bonfire; the night you should have been born. Had things worked out as they were supposed to do, you would have turned the big one today. How things could/should have been so different.
This time last year I had booked the day off work and Daddy and I had left you a lovely red balloon and your rose made of feathers at your grave.
This year, I am sat here indoors on my own as your Daddy has gone fishing, with the TV on in the background, the sound on mute with my i-pod in my ears, with the intention of escaping the world through the words of the music blaring into my ears.
I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that I miss you and even though I haven't left you a balloon this year, you have been in my thoughts all day long and you will continue to be until my eyes finally close at bed time.
Love Mummy xox
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
20 Things This Parent of an Angel Wishes You Would Remember
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention Bobby. The truth is just because you never saw him in person does not mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Bobby and I cried, you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Bobby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you would talk about Bobby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Bobby. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Bobby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Bobby; the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Bobby never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 6 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act anymore and I will never ever be "over it" or him.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Bobby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is I may get used to it with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Bobby as a baby and not just a pregnancy loss. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, a heart, a body, two legs, two arms, a beautiful face, black eyebrows and ten tiny finger and toe nails. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have smelt his skin, I have felt his weight in my arms. My baby was a real person.
13. Bobby's due date, his birthday, Christmas and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Bobby) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Bobby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated and you will have a very long wait. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me". Maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace my Bobby. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Bobby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am more often than not left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women and new babies is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad and I hate myself even more for having these feelings.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify the fact that Bobby is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you guarantee that my next baby will be healthy? How can you guarantee that I will have another baby when we suffer from fertility issues? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Above all else, please remember that this is the worst thing that has and will ever happen to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy but my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
2. I wish that if we did talk about Bobby and I cried, you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to (and often want to) cry and talk about Bobby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you would talk about Bobby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about Bobby. The truth is I love him and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry Bobby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of Bobby; the love I feel for him, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for him are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that Bobby never existed. The truth is we both know I had him growing inside me for 6 months.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day that I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act anymore and I will never ever be "over it" or him.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing Bobby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and at fault for something I had no control over.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, years or ever for that matter. The truth is I may get used to it with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you would think of Bobby as a baby and not just a pregnancy loss. The truth is he was a human life. He had a soul, a heart, a body, two legs, two arms, a beautiful face, black eyebrows and ten tiny finger and toe nails. I have seen my baby's body and face, I have smelt his skin, I have felt his weight in my arms. My baby was a real person.
13. Bobby's due date, his birthday, Christmas and Mothers Day, are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter that you are thinking of me (and Bobby) on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing Bobby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before nor will I ever be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated and you will have a very long wait. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the new "me". Maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me that I can have other babies. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace my Bobby. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about Bobby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are, I'm dealing with enough as it is.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you should keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am more often than not left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women and new babies is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous, angry and sad and I hate myself even more for having these feelings.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that everything happens for a reason. The truth is as far as I'm concerned no explanation would or could ever be good enough to justify the fact that Bobby is gone.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "the next baby will be fine". The truth is how do you know? Can you guarantee that my next baby will be healthy? How can you guarantee that I will have another baby when we suffer from fertility issues? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Above all else, please remember that this is the worst thing that has and will ever happen to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy but my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
Sunday, 31 October 2010
4 years ago today ...
we started an exciting journey.
That journey has taken us through so many emotions and yet here we are, 4 years down the line, in exactly the same spot as when we first started this now horrid journey.
Sometimes I wonder when and if it is ever going to happen for us. The further along the months and the years go by and the more success stories I hear from others all around me, the more it feels as though I am destined to be looking on from the outside for the rest of my life.
I have just had a little cry as I'm now having to buy a Clear Blue Digital on eBay because pregnancy for us doesn't just happen 'like that' as it appears to do for so many others.
I love my Angel and will do so forever and am thankful or all that he has taught me and the friends he has brought me, but I do not want to just be known as 'the one who lost her baby' for the rest of my life.
I would like to be blessed with one of each.
One little Earth baby will do.
Why is that so hard to achieve?
That journey has taken us through so many emotions and yet here we are, 4 years down the line, in exactly the same spot as when we first started this now horrid journey.
Sometimes I wonder when and if it is ever going to happen for us. The further along the months and the years go by and the more success stories I hear from others all around me, the more it feels as though I am destined to be looking on from the outside for the rest of my life.
I have just had a little cry as I'm now having to buy a Clear Blue Digital on eBay because pregnancy for us doesn't just happen 'like that' as it appears to do for so many others.
I love my Angel and will do so forever and am thankful or all that he has taught me and the friends he has brought me, but I do not want to just be known as 'the one who lost her baby' for the rest of my life.
I would like to be blessed with one of each.
One little Earth baby will do.
Why is that so hard to achieve?
Sunday, 17 October 2010
A Note to Heaven (3)
Bobby,
I thought I would write to you tonight because I don’t know, I’m feeling a little 'humph'. I can’t quite place my finger on this feeling. Let down I guess, that is the best word to describe it.
I very nearly deleted your GTS page today Bobby and I’m sorry for having that thought. Its not that I wanted to hide you from people but certain comments have made me realise that no one fully appreciates you for you apart from me. No one looks at your picture and sees you how I see you; my handsome little man, with his Daddy’s nose and your tiny black eyebrows. None of them held you in their arms and had the privileged of taking you all in and feeling your weight in their arms. I can’t believe I very nearly deleted your page just because of someone’s ignorance.
Sometimes I feel as though people view you as just a picture on a screen or a story they can tell their friends about.
Infact thinking about it clearly now, I’m going to take your picture down from all sites and I’m going to have you all to myself to admire and appreciate. F**k everyone else.
I thought I would write to you tonight because I don’t know, I’m feeling a little 'humph'. I can’t quite place my finger on this feeling. Let down I guess, that is the best word to describe it.
I very nearly deleted your GTS page today Bobby and I’m sorry for having that thought. Its not that I wanted to hide you from people but certain comments have made me realise that no one fully appreciates you for you apart from me. No one looks at your picture and sees you how I see you; my handsome little man, with his Daddy’s nose and your tiny black eyebrows. None of them held you in their arms and had the privileged of taking you all in and feeling your weight in their arms. I can’t believe I very nearly deleted your page just because of someone’s ignorance.
Sometimes I feel as though people view you as just a picture on a screen or a story they can tell their friends about.
Infact thinking about it clearly now, I’m going to take your picture down from all sites and I’m going to have you all to myself to admire and appreciate. F**k everyone else.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
A Note to Heaven (2)
Dear Bobby
I so wanted to start this off by asking how your week has been but how silly a question is that. A fellow Angel Mummy once typed that a thousand years on Earth is just a days worth in Heaven; I hope that statement is correct.
You’re Daddy and I have been having some trouble this past month. I don’t know if it’s been a long time coming and we have been ignoring it but we are trying to make things work. Money as always is at the route of our problems, sometimes I wonder if we will ever be ok in that department or if it will be like this forever. I hope it works out Bobby because Id like to stay with your Daddy and give you a little brother or sister to look after and the other stuff which 'normal' people do. Not that we are 'normal' though aye, things will never be normal again.
Anyway enough of that, its Baby Loss Awareness Week this week and Wave of Light on Friday - our 2nd one. It’s amazing how quickly it’s gone isnt it. This time last year I hadn’t even heard of the week let alone the day and now it’s become another annual day to be remembered. I wonder how many friends or family will remember you on Friday Bobby. I really hope they do.
I also have a hospital appointment on Friday with the ENT Specialist to talk about this lump in my neck. Hopefully they will agree to go ahead and remove this one as they did the last and all will be back to normal again. Here’s hoping. I want to ask you to look over me but I dont want to put that pressure onto you, I should be looking after you, not you after me.
Well its time to say another goodbye net wise Bobby. Maybe this will become a weekly thing and hopefully it will get easier to type out the more emotional side. Who knows.
Love you lots as always Bobby, speak to you soon Little Man.
Love Mummy xox
I so wanted to start this off by asking how your week has been but how silly a question is that. A fellow Angel Mummy once typed that a thousand years on Earth is just a days worth in Heaven; I hope that statement is correct.
You’re Daddy and I have been having some trouble this past month. I don’t know if it’s been a long time coming and we have been ignoring it but we are trying to make things work. Money as always is at the route of our problems, sometimes I wonder if we will ever be ok in that department or if it will be like this forever. I hope it works out Bobby because Id like to stay with your Daddy and give you a little brother or sister to look after and the other stuff which 'normal' people do. Not that we are 'normal' though aye, things will never be normal again.
Anyway enough of that, its Baby Loss Awareness Week this week and Wave of Light on Friday - our 2nd one. It’s amazing how quickly it’s gone isnt it. This time last year I hadn’t even heard of the week let alone the day and now it’s become another annual day to be remembered. I wonder how many friends or family will remember you on Friday Bobby. I really hope they do.
I also have a hospital appointment on Friday with the ENT Specialist to talk about this lump in my neck. Hopefully they will agree to go ahead and remove this one as they did the last and all will be back to normal again. Here’s hoping. I want to ask you to look over me but I dont want to put that pressure onto you, I should be looking after you, not you after me.
Well its time to say another goodbye net wise Bobby. Maybe this will become a weekly thing and hopefully it will get easier to type out the more emotional side. Who knows.
Love you lots as always Bobby, speak to you soon Little Man.
Love Mummy xox
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