This past week I have been bleeding on and off, only for it to become heavier and for the cramps to go beyond the pain of period cramps.
I woke up this morning to discover that I had bled all through the night, something of which has never happened before as it’s only ever lasted for a few hours at most.
Thankfully we already have a third scan booked for this Tuesday coming.
Another thing which is also bothering me somewhat is that I no longer have any kind of ‘symptoms’. Instead my body just feels how it does when it’s preparing itself for a period.
In my heart I know that the baby is either dying or it has died but my body is taking its time to remove it. I’ve so far only had tiny clots but being eight weeks I know I will be able to feel it when it does eventually come out. This is an image I do not want to see. The thought of my baby being flushed down the toilet like a dead pet fish is something that I know will haunt me forever and I don’t want it to happen.
At this moment in time I can’t even imagine having to try again for a baby which has already taken over two years to conceive. I guess I’m lucky in that at least despite having to wait for so long to fall pregnant, I have fallen pregnant but it doesn’t make it ok.
Why won’t this baby do. I would have rather have gone through two more months of periods and sadness that I wasn’t pregnant; then this.
The constant worry that my baby will leave as it can’t cope any longer inside of what is suppose to be its protection, its safe house, is breaking me down.
I can’t bear the five day wait for the scan!
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