The day I had built up to be something so terrible, yet its arrival turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It became a day of healing, a day of reflection, a day we spent together as a family for the first time since our Son’s birth.
Our pregnancy chapter is now over.
I finally feel free to move on and try to rebuild mine/our life back up to where it once was; maybe even better than before if we are lucky.
Bobby will always be in my head and my heart but now I am comfortable to remember him for what he is and not what he should have been. He is and always will be my precious little man who has changed not only my life but also the life of his Daddy’s and everyone who knew of him and those who were lucky enough to have met him.
He has taught me many new things and brought so many new good people but most of all he has given me the strength to remove those not so good.
We did nothing we planned to do but that was ok. We started the day with a nice lye in and we then took a trip out into town to choose a balloon and something else to place on his grave; although at this time we were not sure what. It took us ages to agree on the right balloon to buy which surprised me considering my OH wasn’t bothered about the balloon to begin with and yet he soon took it upon himself to be the one who didn’t like most of the selection as in his eyes they were not suitable. I wanted to buy a Thomas the Tank Engine one while he didn’t want a kid’s balloon for reasons which even he couldn’t explain. In the end we chose a bright multicolored balloon with hearts all over it. I then came across a single red rose made purely from feathers sitting on top of a shelf all on its lonesome. It was perfect.
The original idea was to release the balloon once we got to his grave but instead we chose to dig a small hole and place the string into the graves dirt. I then wrote a little note and placed it within the rose’ wrapping which, like the balloon, was placed into the dirt. We then proceeded to take pictures. I felt perfectly normal taking photos of us two beside his grave and of the grave itself but it wasn’t until two men walked past did I wonder if they thought it natural too, or if they were taken aback that what they were seeing.
Soon it started to rain so we made our way back to the car and drove to the MIL’s house. I wasn’t sure if she would remember the day but she had. We had a good chat and I filled her in of all that my OH hadn’t and she asked us if we were planning on trying again. We told her January 1010.
We had talked about trying again on Tuesday. My OH wants to make sure that the infection has gone completely before we go down that road and I want to make sure that we are stable enough financially and emotionally to try again. Until then, the plan is to plod along as ‘normal’, waiting for whatever comes our way next.
At least the day is done, put to sleep, laid to rest. Just like our little man and the year we shall never forget.
Remembering Bobby with you on this special day...
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