Ponderment

‘The pain of bereavement has been compared to that of losing a limb. It doesn't come back, you will always miss it but you also learn to adapt to living without it.’

It’s been said many a time before that grief is a strange thing and how right that statement is. How do you know you are still grieving when you look and feel ‘normal’. Do you ever really stop grieving for someone just because you do not cry for them every day. What makes one persons grief more plausible then another. Is it possible to ever ‘get over it’ if you ‘give it time’.

These are just some of the questions going around in my head at the moment. Feeling ‘normal’ has caused this confusion and mass guilt trip I am currently experiencing. Most of us cant wait to feel ‘normal’ again yet no one tells you that when that time does arrive, so does the feeling of guilt that maybe you are starting to forget your Angel and the lessons their death has taught you. If in order to cope you got to the mind frame that their death ‘happened for a reason’ and maybe that reason was to change you and your perspective on life – now that you and your life are starting to get back to normal – does that mean their death was in vain. Did their death really teach you anything at all. Do you really become a better person through a loved one’s last breath.

I remember feeling a strong sense of empowerment a little while after the shock had eased. I had a strong sense that nothing could stop me from achieving what I now wanted to do because at the end of the day, if I could survive giving birth to a sleeping baby then I could survive anything life had to throw at me. I wanted to do something with my life to make him proud, and yet ten months on; reality is that none of those things have happened.

There is a huge difference between ideas and actions and it takes a lot of time and effort to put your ideas into action. Yes grief does make you stronger but it can also disable you in other areas which until you go there, you did not know the fear existed.

What exactly is the point of life. The only guarantee you have is that you will die; everything else in-between is either due to pure luck or hard work. Do we have a role to maintain or are we just here for the hell of it – no pun intended.

Visit from an Angel

If a fairy or an angel came to you and said you were allowed to go back to the past, what things would you change to make it a better future for you? If you change nothing, why?

This is quite an apt Theme Of The Week for my first one considering what this blog is all about. Quite a few things enter my head when I read this question but they are all superficial and if it wasn't for those awkward moments in life taking place, then I would never have been lead to this moment in my life now or a year ago.

The only thing which I wish I could go back and change is that I would have gone to the hospital as soon as I suspected something was wrong with the pregnancy. If I had done that I am pretty sure that the infection would have been caught and treated and that I would now have a happy, playful 5 month old boy in my life, instead of memories and a grave to visit. However; if he had not have died I would not have met some of the most loveliest women out there and I would not have had my eyes open to so many new experiences.

I would still happily trade all of that for my Son though.

Another Failure

Last Thursday 25th I got another BFP or a LFP as I called it because the line was extremely faint but it was there on three tests. It was called a little miracle given to me from Bobby by many who I told but looking at it now I don’t think it was from Bobby at all because Bobby wouldn’t make his Mummy upset and cry on purpose. I was woken yesterday morning with extremely strong cramps and quite a lot of blood and clots all of which are still present today. I may well have been pregnant for a very short time but I am not now. I won’t lie, it hurts like hell. I really believed that we were given another chance and I even thanked Bobby on the way to work Friday but looking back, I should know full well that miracles don’t happen to people like me. They never have done so why would they start now at nearly 30 years old. At this point in time I again feel like a failure and feel that I am never going to get to be a proper Mummy to a live baby. Instead I have to carry on wearing this huge shield which I have built up over the past 8 months, a shield of which, up until yesterday worked quite well. I’ve come to rely on this shield a little too much of late but I'm no longer sure just how long its going to keep working, especially now that my BF has fallen pregnant by accident and that everyone else around me is on the path to taking their babies home or have already managed this amazing feet of which I seem incapable of doing. I understand this post sounds extremely selfish and 'poor me' but I really don’t care. I am understandably going to keep feeling like this until I either work out what the hell it is that I have done that is so wrong that I am being punished for it or, my body miraculously decides one day that I am a good enough person to be given the title of 'Mummy’. I really hope my body decides quickly before it’s too late.

Old Birth Board Charity Cook Book

I have just had a nose at my old Birth Board to catch up as I sometimes do, and I have come across this post from one of the Admins.

A few of the ladies on the board put together a Baby Centre Cook Book with all proceeds going to a few baby charities. Gratefully I have been given one as a keepsake and it sits in Bobby's Memory Box.

I can not believe how much these ladies; many of whom I have never met in real life have done for myself and the other ladies who lost their little ones on that board. They truly are a lovely bunch of women.

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I've placed the final order for recipe books and the totals are in (I haven’t posted them obviously but I’ve posted enough to know what the postage will cost)

We have sold 136 books (that includes the ones we gave to Lucy, Lauren and Lisa for their memory boxes) and we have raised:

A WHOOPING
£480.55

I'll make that up to £482 just to make it simpler for splitting.

So each of our charities Tommy's and Bliss will receive £242 in memory of our Angel Babies.

Can I say a HUGE thank you to everyone who contributed recipes and to everyone who bought a copy of this very very special book.

I hope you all have as much fun cooking the recipes as I’m having and when you sit down for a meal take a second to remember the much loved babies we lost.

WELL DONE EVERYONE!

Tasha

Bobbys First BFP Anniversary

On the afternoon of Sunday 1st March 2009 we got a very much longed for and long awaited BFP. I knew from that moment that the 2nd little pink line would change my life forever but not quite in the way that it went on to do so. I’ve told this story so many times before so I will try to keep it brief, however, no matter how many times it’s told; it is still part of my Son's story. I was at my parents that weekend because my Brother had brought his OH down to meet us for the first time. Infact it was the first time he had brought any girlfriend home so it was quite a big deal. I had drank a bottle of JD the night before so feeling quite emotional just before going to bed, it triggered that I had not yet started my AF. Despite wanting to be pregnant, every time I had really thought about being pregnant, I had cried. Don’t get me wrong the whole idea of pregnancy was lovely but in reality it scared me. My Mum came in to say goodnight and caught me crying. After a few back and forth of 'Im fine', 'Are you sure, you don’t look fine', 'Yes Im fine really' I finally gave in and explained that my AF was late and after a couple of drunken cries of 'Im scared. What if Im rubbish?' she agreed to go out the following morning and buy me a test. I took one of the tests the next day just before we were about to sit down to dinner. Expecting it to be negative as it had been the previous 23 times, I saw the 1st pink line and instinctively threw it in the bin without waiting for the next line to appear. While packing my bags ready for the trip home in a couple of hours time, something in my head told me to double check the test. I ignored it for a little while longer but while no one was looking I went to the bin and got it out. There were 2 lines. I got the other test out of my bag and re-read the instructions. It was then I realised it really was positive. The only emotion I felt then was numbness and I remember my heart beating extremely quickly in my chest. Dinner was called and I made conversation while all the time weighing up should I tell them now and take the spotlight from my Brother or should I wait until I got home and call them. Could I even wait that long? As it turned out I managed to keep it in until I was grabbing the last of my stuff from the spare room and my Brother came in to grab some stuff too. He asked if I was ok and I told him but I made him promise not to tell our parents. We hugged, he said 'well done' and he drove me home. We were living with Steve's Mum at the time so when I got home I made conversation with the MIL and popped upstairs to our room and immediately asked Steve for a hug. While we were hugging I muffled that I was pregnant, too afraid to look up to see his reaction. His reaction was a little 'Oh'. We kept cuddling for a while longer, like we were too scared to face each other but eventually we did and we laughed and then immediately afterwards we went on to DTD for fun for the first time in over 2 yrs. It felt strange DTD, not wondering afterwards if it had worked its magic. It felt kind of free. The next morning before work I took the remaining test and yet again a 2nd little pink line came up. The rest as they say is history.

And so the TTC Journey Begins ...

Yep.

Seven months and fouteen days since our Son died; on Friday *far TI* we finally started trying all over again.

Despite it taking 28 months to fall pregnant with Bobby I am slightly more confident about the length of time it will take to fall with his Brother or Sister and I am adamant that I will not turn into a TTCGizzla.

Why? As silly as it seems; and I'm not holding onto this reason as 'given' but it has given me some hope, I have had two separate card readings by two separate ladies and the first said I would fall pregnant in December or have a baby in December and the second said I would conceive in either March or April; meaning I would be due in December/January.

Which year of December/January I don't know lol but I pray for a miracle that it is this year!

Until then I shall continue to plod along with life, relax and breath lots.