Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Another Failure
Last Thursday 25th I got another BFP or a LFP as I called it because the line was extremely faint but it was there on three tests.
It was called a little miracle given to me from Bobby by many who I told but looking at it now I don’t think it was from Bobby at all because Bobby wouldn’t make his Mummy upset and cry on purpose.
I was woken yesterday morning with extremely strong cramps and quite a lot of blood and clots all of which are still present today. I may well have been pregnant for a very short time but I am not now.
I won’t lie, it hurts like hell. I really believed that we were given another chance and I even thanked Bobby on the way to work Friday but looking back, I should know full well that miracles don’t happen to people like me. They never have done so why would they start now at nearly 30 years old. At this point in time I again feel like a failure and feel that I am never going to get to be a proper Mummy to a live baby. Instead I have to carry on wearing this huge shield which I have built up over the past 8 months, a shield of which, up until yesterday worked quite well.
I’ve come to rely on this shield a little too much of late but I'm no longer sure just how long its going to keep working, especially now that my BF has fallen pregnant by accident and that everyone else around me is on the path to taking their babies home or have already managed this amazing feet of which I seem incapable of doing.
I understand this post sounds extremely selfish and 'poor me' but I really don’t care. I am understandably going to keep feeling like this until I either work out what the hell it is that I have done that is so wrong that I am being punished for it or, my body miraculously decides one day that I am a good enough person to be given the title of 'Mummy’. I really hope my body decides quickly before it’s too late.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Old Birth Board Charity Cook Book
I have just had a nose at my old Birth Board to catch up as I sometimes do, and I have come across this post from one of the Admins.
A few of the ladies on the board put together a Baby Centre Cook Book with all proceeds going to a few baby charities. Gratefully I have been given one as a keepsake and it sits in Bobby's Memory Box.
I can not believe how much these ladies; many of whom I have never met in real life have done for myself and the other ladies who lost their little ones on that board. They truly are a lovely bunch of women.
I've placed the final order for recipe books and the totals are in (I haven’t posted them obviously but I’ve posted enough to know what the postage will cost)
We have sold 136 books (that includes the ones we gave to Lucy, Lauren and Lisa for their memory boxes) and we have raised:
A WHOOPING
£480.55
I'll make that up to £482 just to make it simpler for splitting.
So each of our charities Tommy's and Bliss will receive £242 in memory of our Angel Babies.
Can I say a HUGE thank you to everyone who contributed recipes and to everyone who bought a copy of this very very special book.
I hope you all have as much fun cooking the recipes as I’m having and when you sit down for a meal take a second to remember the much loved babies we lost.
WELL DONE EVERYONE!
Tasha
A few of the ladies on the board put together a Baby Centre Cook Book with all proceeds going to a few baby charities. Gratefully I have been given one as a keepsake and it sits in Bobby's Memory Box.
I can not believe how much these ladies; many of whom I have never met in real life have done for myself and the other ladies who lost their little ones on that board. They truly are a lovely bunch of women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've placed the final order for recipe books and the totals are in (I haven’t posted them obviously but I’ve posted enough to know what the postage will cost)
We have sold 136 books (that includes the ones we gave to Lucy, Lauren and Lisa for their memory boxes) and we have raised:
A WHOOPING
£480.55
I'll make that up to £482 just to make it simpler for splitting.
So each of our charities Tommy's and Bliss will receive £242 in memory of our Angel Babies.
Can I say a HUGE thank you to everyone who contributed recipes and to everyone who bought a copy of this very very special book.
I hope you all have as much fun cooking the recipes as I’m having and when you sit down for a meal take a second to remember the much loved babies we lost.
WELL DONE EVERYONE!
Tasha
Monday, 1 March 2010
Bobbys First BFP Anniversary
On the afternoon of Sunday 1st March 2009 we got a very much longed for and long awaited BFP. I knew from that moment that the 2nd little pink line would change my life forever but not quite in the way that it went on to do so.
I’ve told this story so many times before so I will try to keep it brief, however, no matter how many times it’s told; it is still part of my Son's story.
I was at my parents that weekend because my Brother had brought his OH down to meet us for the first time. Infact it was the first time he had brought any girlfriend home so it was quite a big deal.
I had drank a bottle of JD the night before so feeling quite emotional just before going to bed, it triggered that I had not yet started my AF. Despite wanting to be pregnant, every time I had really thought about being pregnant, I had cried.
Don’t get me wrong the whole idea of pregnancy was lovely but in reality it scared me. My Mum came in to say goodnight and caught me crying. After a few back and forth of 'Im fine', 'Are you sure, you don’t look fine', 'Yes Im fine really' I finally gave in and explained that my AF was late and after a couple of drunken cries of 'Im scared. What if Im rubbish?' she agreed to go out the following morning and buy me a test.
I took one of the tests the next day just before we were about to sit down to dinner. Expecting it to be negative as it had been the previous 23 times, I saw the 1st pink line and instinctively threw it in the bin without waiting for the next line to appear. While packing my bags ready for the trip home in a couple of hours time, something in my head told me to double check the test. I ignored it for a little while longer but while no one was looking I went to the bin and got it out. There were 2 lines. I got the other test out of my bag and re-read the instructions. It was then I realised it really was positive. The only emotion I felt then was numbness and I remember my heart beating extremely quickly in my chest.
Dinner was called and I made conversation while all the time weighing up should I tell them now and take the spotlight from my Brother or should I wait until I got home and call them. Could I even wait that long? As it turned out I managed to keep it in until I was grabbing the last of my stuff from the spare room and my Brother came in to grab some stuff too. He asked if I was ok and I told him but I made him promise not to tell our parents. We hugged, he said 'well done' and he drove me home.
We were living with Steve's Mum at the time so when I got home I made conversation with the MIL and popped upstairs to our room and immediately asked Steve for a hug. While we were hugging I muffled that I was pregnant, too afraid to look up to see his reaction. His reaction was a little 'Oh'. We kept cuddling for a while longer, like we were too scared to face each other but eventually we did and we laughed and then immediately afterwards we went on to DTD for fun for the first time in over 2 yrs. It felt strange DTD, not wondering afterwards if it had worked its magic. It felt kind of free.
The next morning before work I took the remaining test and yet again a 2nd little pink line came up. The rest as they say is history.
Sunday, 21 February 2010
And so the TTC Journey Begins ...
Yep.
Seven months and fouteen days since our Son died; on Friday *far TI* we finally started trying all over again.
Despite it taking 28 months to fall pregnant with Bobby I am slightly more confident about the length of time it will take to fall with his Brother or Sister and I am adamant that I will not turn into a TTCGizzla.
Why? As silly as it seems; and I'm not holding onto this reason as 'given' but it has given me some hope, I have had two separate card readings by two separate ladies and the first said I would fall pregnant in December or have a baby in December and the second said I would conceive in either March or April; meaning I would be due in December/January.
Which year of December/January I don't know lol but I pray for a miracle that it is this year!
Until then I shall continue to plod along with life, relax and breath lots.
Seven months and fouteen days since our Son died; on Friday *far TI* we finally started trying all over again.
Despite it taking 28 months to fall pregnant with Bobby I am slightly more confident about the length of time it will take to fall with his Brother or Sister and I am adamant that I will not turn into a TTCGizzla.
Why? As silly as it seems; and I'm not holding onto this reason as 'given' but it has given me some hope, I have had two separate card readings by two separate ladies and the first said I would fall pregnant in December or have a baby in December and the second said I would conceive in either March or April; meaning I would be due in December/January.
Which year of December/January I don't know lol but I pray for a miracle that it is this year!
Until then I shall continue to plod along with life, relax and breath lots.
Friday, 19 February 2010
Weekend Away
Time for another post me thinks.
I remember when I first started this blog, I was typing away almost every day while at work either moaning about work or worrying about the pregnancy and then when I lost Bobby this was where I came to lay everything out on the table so to speak. It was the only place I could truly say what I was thinking without the fear of people thinking I was going mad.
I am at this moment, personally proud that the posts on this blog are now being posted a week or two apart because it means there is less mess going around within my head.
Today I am feeling quite good. Tomorrow I may not so today I will document it so that it is proof that there have been good days.
The OH and I have made some progress emotionally. After a lot of nagging from him over the past couple of weeks and strange behaviour on Valentines Day, it all came out in the open Monday daytime. So much so that a few texts were sent between us while the both of us were in tears.
It was a strange time to finally open up about his emotions and fears but he did and it has helped us both to take another small step forward. Opening up has clearly helped him to go about his daily business without being in a mood and it has allowed me a tiny glimpse in to his head.
He confessed to still crying over Bobby most days. He confessed that he thinks he has depression but he is still not at the stage where he will talk to the Doctor about it and ask for help. He has even said that he is nearly ready to look at his photos.
I bought Bobby a new memory box yesterday. The one I bought after he first died was bought in haste and I haven’t been happy with it for some time but yesterday I came across the perfect one. It’s cream in colour with light blue butterflies on it and little handles on the side. It’s lovely.
It is my Dad's 50th Birthday this Sunday. My Brother, his OH and us two are driving down there tomorrow night and we are taking him out for the day on Saturday as a surprise. Dad is a bit of a train freak; not quite spotter material but getting there, so we have booked 1st Class tickets on an old Steam Train and we can all spend the day going from station to station, having a picnic and watching him in his element.
That night we shall be going around to our Aunt and Uncles house and on Sunday ten of us will go out for a Sunday roast.
I'm really looking forward to it TBH. I haven’t seen my parents since Christmas and I wont get to see them until at least June/July.
On another note, I am currently making a 'Nanny's Day Card'; something Ive never made before so its hit and miss at the moment in preparation for Mothers Day. Just like I'm still a Mummy she is still a Nanny.
I remember when I first started this blog, I was typing away almost every day while at work either moaning about work or worrying about the pregnancy and then when I lost Bobby this was where I came to lay everything out on the table so to speak. It was the only place I could truly say what I was thinking without the fear of people thinking I was going mad.
I am at this moment, personally proud that the posts on this blog are now being posted a week or two apart because it means there is less mess going around within my head.
Today I am feeling quite good. Tomorrow I may not so today I will document it so that it is proof that there have been good days.
The OH and I have made some progress emotionally. After a lot of nagging from him over the past couple of weeks and strange behaviour on Valentines Day, it all came out in the open Monday daytime. So much so that a few texts were sent between us while the both of us were in tears.
It was a strange time to finally open up about his emotions and fears but he did and it has helped us both to take another small step forward. Opening up has clearly helped him to go about his daily business without being in a mood and it has allowed me a tiny glimpse in to his head.
He confessed to still crying over Bobby most days. He confessed that he thinks he has depression but he is still not at the stage where he will talk to the Doctor about it and ask for help. He has even said that he is nearly ready to look at his photos.
I bought Bobby a new memory box yesterday. The one I bought after he first died was bought in haste and I haven’t been happy with it for some time but yesterday I came across the perfect one. It’s cream in colour with light blue butterflies on it and little handles on the side. It’s lovely.
It is my Dad's 50th Birthday this Sunday. My Brother, his OH and us two are driving down there tomorrow night and we are taking him out for the day on Saturday as a surprise. Dad is a bit of a train freak; not quite spotter material but getting there, so we have booked 1st Class tickets on an old Steam Train and we can all spend the day going from station to station, having a picnic and watching him in his element.
That night we shall be going around to our Aunt and Uncles house and on Sunday ten of us will go out for a Sunday roast.
I'm really looking forward to it TBH. I haven’t seen my parents since Christmas and I wont get to see them until at least June/July.
On another note, I am currently making a 'Nanny's Day Card'; something Ive never made before so its hit and miss at the moment in preparation for Mothers Day. Just like I'm still a Mummy she is still a Nanny.
Reading (3)
Fertility reading using the Robin Wood Tarot Deck.
I was drawn to choose an Angel card from the Archangel Michael deck that I have and I also did a chakra clearing for you Lucy, as well as doing the normal fertility spread. I hope this is ok that I did this?
I used a clear quartz pendulum to show me how your chakras were working and those that were blocked, I then asked the pendulum to clear the blockage to help the energies flow better. I don't know if you know much about the chakra system, but to mention briefly that there are seven main chakras that we all have. All but two of yours were blocked. The heart chakra in particular was very stuck and took three goes to clear it and get it running smoothly again. You may notice that your energy levels are different, either better, or you may feel more tired. You may feel also feel slightly more emotional than normal, or you may feel nothing at all! All of these reactions are normal and are the stuck energies starting to clear, a bit like when you do a detox.
As I was shuffling the Angel cards, two flipped out which I took as the Angels choosing which cards and their messages they wanted for you :-)
The first card is called “Go forward fearlessly” This card shows that the Angels are supporting you in making changes and to not be afraid of moving forwards and leaving old hurts behind. The prayer with this card says “ thank you for walking with me every step of the way, for holding my hand, giving me confidence and courage, and guiding my thoughts and actions in the direction of love and my true life's purpose,”
The second card is called “your inner guidance is real and trustworthy” This card says that your angels know you are feeling uncertain or confused and that they are saying it is ok and safe to move forwards. The prayer on this card says “ please help me clearly hear, see, feel, and know the divine guidance that I have asked and prayed for. Allow me to keep my ego out of the way so your wisdom can come streaming through me for my own benefit and for those around me.”
I choose three cards for your fertility reading Lucy. The first card relates to how things have been for you in the recent past and affecting you just now. This card is the six of Pentacles and shows a card of giving and generosity. There is a sharing and kindness here that I feel is showing that you have been doing a lot of giving and sharing that has helped and benefited others perhaps, as well as helping you too. It is a rather lovely, gentle karmic feeling of being able to help others that is bringing so much back to you now. This giving has been totally selfless though and not given with the intention of looking for return at all and so there is a lovely feeling of this return bringing with it a healing in a way?
The next card, the four of Wands, shows other factors affecting you in the present moment. This card is quite a peaceful card showing that just now, you are just going with the flow and comfortable to be where you are at and happy with the status quo in a way? Despite this, you are perhaps without even realising it, continuing to put down roots and strengthen your security and foundations around you in your home and family life. Things are slowly beginning to change and preparing you for taking the next steps forwards in creating your happy home.
The last card is the eight of Swords and shows a possible future pathway for you. Now this card shows me a lot of fear and stress but it is fear that is in a way, in your own mind. It is like you have put a blindfold on and are more fearful of what you think is around you and ahead of you than the truth actually is? I sort of feel like maybe there is even a bit of guilt there? Fear and guilt has a way of crippling us from taking steps forward and of what the future may bring, but I do feel that you will find a way to shake this off and break free of these thoughts and feelings. What is blocking you, you will overcome and you will find your confidence again! You will begin to feel more empowered and strong enough to take steps forward. It is like you will search your inner self and find the strength to break free of negativity that holds you back. So from a dark place hidden behind the blindfold, you will feel strong enough to look forward and allow yourself to begin to feel happy again x
I used my rose quartz pendulum to ask about a future pregnancy for you. It said there would be a pregnancy for you this year and that conception may take place in the months of March and April and that there would be a girl for you. The cards I drew to support this was the seven of Wands, which to me, means a spring conception and the two of Swords being a female energy, so also showing a girl for you!
Love and light x
I was drawn to choose an Angel card from the Archangel Michael deck that I have and I also did a chakra clearing for you Lucy, as well as doing the normal fertility spread. I hope this is ok that I did this?
I used a clear quartz pendulum to show me how your chakras were working and those that were blocked, I then asked the pendulum to clear the blockage to help the energies flow better. I don't know if you know much about the chakra system, but to mention briefly that there are seven main chakras that we all have. All but two of yours were blocked. The heart chakra in particular was very stuck and took three goes to clear it and get it running smoothly again. You may notice that your energy levels are different, either better, or you may feel more tired. You may feel also feel slightly more emotional than normal, or you may feel nothing at all! All of these reactions are normal and are the stuck energies starting to clear, a bit like when you do a detox.
As I was shuffling the Angel cards, two flipped out which I took as the Angels choosing which cards and their messages they wanted for you :-)
The first card is called “Go forward fearlessly” This card shows that the Angels are supporting you in making changes and to not be afraid of moving forwards and leaving old hurts behind. The prayer with this card says “ thank you for walking with me every step of the way, for holding my hand, giving me confidence and courage, and guiding my thoughts and actions in the direction of love and my true life's purpose,”
The second card is called “your inner guidance is real and trustworthy” This card says that your angels know you are feeling uncertain or confused and that they are saying it is ok and safe to move forwards. The prayer on this card says “ please help me clearly hear, see, feel, and know the divine guidance that I have asked and prayed for. Allow me to keep my ego out of the way so your wisdom can come streaming through me for my own benefit and for those around me.”
I choose three cards for your fertility reading Lucy. The first card relates to how things have been for you in the recent past and affecting you just now. This card is the six of Pentacles and shows a card of giving and generosity. There is a sharing and kindness here that I feel is showing that you have been doing a lot of giving and sharing that has helped and benefited others perhaps, as well as helping you too. It is a rather lovely, gentle karmic feeling of being able to help others that is bringing so much back to you now. This giving has been totally selfless though and not given with the intention of looking for return at all and so there is a lovely feeling of this return bringing with it a healing in a way?
The next card, the four of Wands, shows other factors affecting you in the present moment. This card is quite a peaceful card showing that just now, you are just going with the flow and comfortable to be where you are at and happy with the status quo in a way? Despite this, you are perhaps without even realising it, continuing to put down roots and strengthen your security and foundations around you in your home and family life. Things are slowly beginning to change and preparing you for taking the next steps forwards in creating your happy home.
The last card is the eight of Swords and shows a possible future pathway for you. Now this card shows me a lot of fear and stress but it is fear that is in a way, in your own mind. It is like you have put a blindfold on and are more fearful of what you think is around you and ahead of you than the truth actually is? I sort of feel like maybe there is even a bit of guilt there? Fear and guilt has a way of crippling us from taking steps forward and of what the future may bring, but I do feel that you will find a way to shake this off and break free of these thoughts and feelings. What is blocking you, you will overcome and you will find your confidence again! You will begin to feel more empowered and strong enough to take steps forward. It is like you will search your inner self and find the strength to break free of negativity that holds you back. So from a dark place hidden behind the blindfold, you will feel strong enough to look forward and allow yourself to begin to feel happy again x
I used my rose quartz pendulum to ask about a future pregnancy for you. It said there would be a pregnancy for you this year and that conception may take place in the months of March and April and that there would be a girl for you. The cards I drew to support this was the seven of Wands, which to me, means a spring conception and the two of Swords being a female energy, so also showing a girl for you!
Love and light x
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