Yep.
Seven months and fouteen days since our Son died; on Friday *far TI* we finally started trying all over again.
Despite it taking 28 months to fall pregnant with Bobby I am slightly more confident about the length of time it will take to fall with his Brother or Sister and I am adamant that I will not turn into a TTCGizzla.
Why? As silly as it seems; and I'm not holding onto this reason as 'given' but it has given me some hope, I have had two separate card readings by two separate ladies and the first said I would fall pregnant in December or have a baby in December and the second said I would conceive in either March or April; meaning I would be due in December/January.
Which year of December/January I don't know lol but I pray for a miracle that it is this year!
Until then I shall continue to plod along with life, relax and breath lots.
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Friday, 19 February 2010
Weekend Away
Time for another post me thinks.
I remember when I first started this blog, I was typing away almost every day while at work either moaning about work or worrying about the pregnancy and then when I lost Bobby this was where I came to lay everything out on the table so to speak. It was the only place I could truly say what I was thinking without the fear of people thinking I was going mad.
I am at this moment, personally proud that the posts on this blog are now being posted a week or two apart because it means there is less mess going around within my head.
Today I am feeling quite good. Tomorrow I may not so today I will document it so that it is proof that there have been good days.
The OH and I have made some progress emotionally. After a lot of nagging from him over the past couple of weeks and strange behaviour on Valentines Day, it all came out in the open Monday daytime. So much so that a few texts were sent between us while the both of us were in tears.
It was a strange time to finally open up about his emotions and fears but he did and it has helped us both to take another small step forward. Opening up has clearly helped him to go about his daily business without being in a mood and it has allowed me a tiny glimpse in to his head.
He confessed to still crying over Bobby most days. He confessed that he thinks he has depression but he is still not at the stage where he will talk to the Doctor about it and ask for help. He has even said that he is nearly ready to look at his photos.
I bought Bobby a new memory box yesterday. The one I bought after he first died was bought in haste and I haven’t been happy with it for some time but yesterday I came across the perfect one. It’s cream in colour with light blue butterflies on it and little handles on the side. It’s lovely.
It is my Dad's 50th Birthday this Sunday. My Brother, his OH and us two are driving down there tomorrow night and we are taking him out for the day on Saturday as a surprise. Dad is a bit of a train freak; not quite spotter material but getting there, so we have booked 1st Class tickets on an old Steam Train and we can all spend the day going from station to station, having a picnic and watching him in his element.
That night we shall be going around to our Aunt and Uncles house and on Sunday ten of us will go out for a Sunday roast.
I'm really looking forward to it TBH. I haven’t seen my parents since Christmas and I wont get to see them until at least June/July.
On another note, I am currently making a 'Nanny's Day Card'; something Ive never made before so its hit and miss at the moment in preparation for Mothers Day. Just like I'm still a Mummy she is still a Nanny.
I remember when I first started this blog, I was typing away almost every day while at work either moaning about work or worrying about the pregnancy and then when I lost Bobby this was where I came to lay everything out on the table so to speak. It was the only place I could truly say what I was thinking without the fear of people thinking I was going mad.
I am at this moment, personally proud that the posts on this blog are now being posted a week or two apart because it means there is less mess going around within my head.
Today I am feeling quite good. Tomorrow I may not so today I will document it so that it is proof that there have been good days.
The OH and I have made some progress emotionally. After a lot of nagging from him over the past couple of weeks and strange behaviour on Valentines Day, it all came out in the open Monday daytime. So much so that a few texts were sent between us while the both of us were in tears.
It was a strange time to finally open up about his emotions and fears but he did and it has helped us both to take another small step forward. Opening up has clearly helped him to go about his daily business without being in a mood and it has allowed me a tiny glimpse in to his head.
He confessed to still crying over Bobby most days. He confessed that he thinks he has depression but he is still not at the stage where he will talk to the Doctor about it and ask for help. He has even said that he is nearly ready to look at his photos.
I bought Bobby a new memory box yesterday. The one I bought after he first died was bought in haste and I haven’t been happy with it for some time but yesterday I came across the perfect one. It’s cream in colour with light blue butterflies on it and little handles on the side. It’s lovely.
It is my Dad's 50th Birthday this Sunday. My Brother, his OH and us two are driving down there tomorrow night and we are taking him out for the day on Saturday as a surprise. Dad is a bit of a train freak; not quite spotter material but getting there, so we have booked 1st Class tickets on an old Steam Train and we can all spend the day going from station to station, having a picnic and watching him in his element.
That night we shall be going around to our Aunt and Uncles house and on Sunday ten of us will go out for a Sunday roast.
I'm really looking forward to it TBH. I haven’t seen my parents since Christmas and I wont get to see them until at least June/July.
On another note, I am currently making a 'Nanny's Day Card'; something Ive never made before so its hit and miss at the moment in preparation for Mothers Day. Just like I'm still a Mummy she is still a Nanny.
Reading (3)
Fertility reading using the Robin Wood Tarot Deck.
I was drawn to choose an Angel card from the Archangel Michael deck that I have and I also did a chakra clearing for you Lucy, as well as doing the normal fertility spread. I hope this is ok that I did this?
I used a clear quartz pendulum to show me how your chakras were working and those that were blocked, I then asked the pendulum to clear the blockage to help the energies flow better. I don't know if you know much about the chakra system, but to mention briefly that there are seven main chakras that we all have. All but two of yours were blocked. The heart chakra in particular was very stuck and took three goes to clear it and get it running smoothly again. You may notice that your energy levels are different, either better, or you may feel more tired. You may feel also feel slightly more emotional than normal, or you may feel nothing at all! All of these reactions are normal and are the stuck energies starting to clear, a bit like when you do a detox.
As I was shuffling the Angel cards, two flipped out which I took as the Angels choosing which cards and their messages they wanted for you :-)
The first card is called “Go forward fearlessly” This card shows that the Angels are supporting you in making changes and to not be afraid of moving forwards and leaving old hurts behind. The prayer with this card says “ thank you for walking with me every step of the way, for holding my hand, giving me confidence and courage, and guiding my thoughts and actions in the direction of love and my true life's purpose,”
The second card is called “your inner guidance is real and trustworthy” This card says that your angels know you are feeling uncertain or confused and that they are saying it is ok and safe to move forwards. The prayer on this card says “ please help me clearly hear, see, feel, and know the divine guidance that I have asked and prayed for. Allow me to keep my ego out of the way so your wisdom can come streaming through me for my own benefit and for those around me.”
I choose three cards for your fertility reading Lucy. The first card relates to how things have been for you in the recent past and affecting you just now. This card is the six of Pentacles and shows a card of giving and generosity. There is a sharing and kindness here that I feel is showing that you have been doing a lot of giving and sharing that has helped and benefited others perhaps, as well as helping you too. It is a rather lovely, gentle karmic feeling of being able to help others that is bringing so much back to you now. This giving has been totally selfless though and not given with the intention of looking for return at all and so there is a lovely feeling of this return bringing with it a healing in a way?
The next card, the four of Wands, shows other factors affecting you in the present moment. This card is quite a peaceful card showing that just now, you are just going with the flow and comfortable to be where you are at and happy with the status quo in a way? Despite this, you are perhaps without even realising it, continuing to put down roots and strengthen your security and foundations around you in your home and family life. Things are slowly beginning to change and preparing you for taking the next steps forwards in creating your happy home.
The last card is the eight of Swords and shows a possible future pathway for you. Now this card shows me a lot of fear and stress but it is fear that is in a way, in your own mind. It is like you have put a blindfold on and are more fearful of what you think is around you and ahead of you than the truth actually is? I sort of feel like maybe there is even a bit of guilt there? Fear and guilt has a way of crippling us from taking steps forward and of what the future may bring, but I do feel that you will find a way to shake this off and break free of these thoughts and feelings. What is blocking you, you will overcome and you will find your confidence again! You will begin to feel more empowered and strong enough to take steps forward. It is like you will search your inner self and find the strength to break free of negativity that holds you back. So from a dark place hidden behind the blindfold, you will feel strong enough to look forward and allow yourself to begin to feel happy again x
I used my rose quartz pendulum to ask about a future pregnancy for you. It said there would be a pregnancy for you this year and that conception may take place in the months of March and April and that there would be a girl for you. The cards I drew to support this was the seven of Wands, which to me, means a spring conception and the two of Swords being a female energy, so also showing a girl for you!
Love and light x
I was drawn to choose an Angel card from the Archangel Michael deck that I have and I also did a chakra clearing for you Lucy, as well as doing the normal fertility spread. I hope this is ok that I did this?
I used a clear quartz pendulum to show me how your chakras were working and those that were blocked, I then asked the pendulum to clear the blockage to help the energies flow better. I don't know if you know much about the chakra system, but to mention briefly that there are seven main chakras that we all have. All but two of yours were blocked. The heart chakra in particular was very stuck and took three goes to clear it and get it running smoothly again. You may notice that your energy levels are different, either better, or you may feel more tired. You may feel also feel slightly more emotional than normal, or you may feel nothing at all! All of these reactions are normal and are the stuck energies starting to clear, a bit like when you do a detox.
As I was shuffling the Angel cards, two flipped out which I took as the Angels choosing which cards and their messages they wanted for you :-)
The first card is called “Go forward fearlessly” This card shows that the Angels are supporting you in making changes and to not be afraid of moving forwards and leaving old hurts behind. The prayer with this card says “ thank you for walking with me every step of the way, for holding my hand, giving me confidence and courage, and guiding my thoughts and actions in the direction of love and my true life's purpose,”
The second card is called “your inner guidance is real and trustworthy” This card says that your angels know you are feeling uncertain or confused and that they are saying it is ok and safe to move forwards. The prayer on this card says “ please help me clearly hear, see, feel, and know the divine guidance that I have asked and prayed for. Allow me to keep my ego out of the way so your wisdom can come streaming through me for my own benefit and for those around me.”
I choose three cards for your fertility reading Lucy. The first card relates to how things have been for you in the recent past and affecting you just now. This card is the six of Pentacles and shows a card of giving and generosity. There is a sharing and kindness here that I feel is showing that you have been doing a lot of giving and sharing that has helped and benefited others perhaps, as well as helping you too. It is a rather lovely, gentle karmic feeling of being able to help others that is bringing so much back to you now. This giving has been totally selfless though and not given with the intention of looking for return at all and so there is a lovely feeling of this return bringing with it a healing in a way?
The next card, the four of Wands, shows other factors affecting you in the present moment. This card is quite a peaceful card showing that just now, you are just going with the flow and comfortable to be where you are at and happy with the status quo in a way? Despite this, you are perhaps without even realising it, continuing to put down roots and strengthen your security and foundations around you in your home and family life. Things are slowly beginning to change and preparing you for taking the next steps forwards in creating your happy home.
The last card is the eight of Swords and shows a possible future pathway for you. Now this card shows me a lot of fear and stress but it is fear that is in a way, in your own mind. It is like you have put a blindfold on and are more fearful of what you think is around you and ahead of you than the truth actually is? I sort of feel like maybe there is even a bit of guilt there? Fear and guilt has a way of crippling us from taking steps forward and of what the future may bring, but I do feel that you will find a way to shake this off and break free of these thoughts and feelings. What is blocking you, you will overcome and you will find your confidence again! You will begin to feel more empowered and strong enough to take steps forward. It is like you will search your inner self and find the strength to break free of negativity that holds you back. So from a dark place hidden behind the blindfold, you will feel strong enough to look forward and allow yourself to begin to feel happy again x
I used my rose quartz pendulum to ask about a future pregnancy for you. It said there would be a pregnancy for you this year and that conception may take place in the months of March and April and that there would be a girl for you. The cards I drew to support this was the seven of Wands, which to me, means a spring conception and the two of Swords being a female energy, so also showing a girl for you!
Love and light x
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Cant Think of a Title
I thought this a good time to write a journal after seeing tons of posts on the net about the 'One Born Every Minute' programme *rolls eyes*.
Having read some of the comments from the ladies I'm feeling quite tearful from just seeing the comments, let alone the sights and sounds of the programme; I knew I was right to avoid it like the plague. Thankfully my OH is watching 'Last Woman Standing' so there was never a chance of watching it anyway.
A simple programme of something which happens every single day is yet more confirmation that there are still some things I must avoid in order to keep my sanity. There is no point in punishing yourself for no reason.
A strange thing happened in the early hours Sunday morning. After Goggling myself - as in my screen name not my real name - I came across a link to this blog on 'a real-time search engine for breaking news and topical content' (or so it says).
Having clicked this link it took me through to a Norwegian woman's Twitter page. Very random. She had linked to this blog commenting; 'been reading this blog, I'm crying my eyes out.'
It’s strange because despite having had a personal blog since 2004 its the first time I’ve ever seen anyone link to it. It’s a whole different feeling from receiving a comment on a post. It’s quite strange when you know a stranger has been so affected by your words on their screen that they link to it in order to share it with their friends or contacts. Its also quite a hard hitting reminder that as soon as you hit the Save or Post button, your inner most thoughts or emotions are no longer your own.
I'm not quite sure where this post is going in all honesty ...
Seeing her reaction to my words has got me thinking; if she felt the need to cry her eyes out over something which a stranger on the web has written then just how bad was it for us to have lived through? I actually can not remember the intensity of that pain anymore. I know that sounds strange but it makes perfect sense in my mind.
As much as the bad days come and sometime stay; its not until I'm forced to remember how bad that period of time was straight after we lost him, do I truly realise just how far I have come.
I don't want Bobby's short life and death to be in vain. Before he was conceived I was always in the mind that 'everything happens for a reason'.
Seven months down the line; I still cant find that reason, so instead of keep looking for something of which I might never find, I have woken up to the fact that I should instead 'do' something to make that pain worthwhile.
Unfortunately, I don't have a clue what or how ...
Having read some of the comments from the ladies I'm feeling quite tearful from just seeing the comments, let alone the sights and sounds of the programme; I knew I was right to avoid it like the plague. Thankfully my OH is watching 'Last Woman Standing' so there was never a chance of watching it anyway.
A simple programme of something which happens every single day is yet more confirmation that there are still some things I must avoid in order to keep my sanity. There is no point in punishing yourself for no reason.
A strange thing happened in the early hours Sunday morning. After Goggling myself - as in my screen name not my real name - I came across a link to this blog on 'a real-time search engine for breaking news and topical content' (or so it says).
Having clicked this link it took me through to a Norwegian woman's Twitter page. Very random. She had linked to this blog commenting; 'been reading this blog, I'm crying my eyes out.'
It’s strange because despite having had a personal blog since 2004 its the first time I’ve ever seen anyone link to it. It’s a whole different feeling from receiving a comment on a post. It’s quite strange when you know a stranger has been so affected by your words on their screen that they link to it in order to share it with their friends or contacts. Its also quite a hard hitting reminder that as soon as you hit the Save or Post button, your inner most thoughts or emotions are no longer your own.
I'm not quite sure where this post is going in all honesty ...
Seeing her reaction to my words has got me thinking; if she felt the need to cry her eyes out over something which a stranger on the web has written then just how bad was it for us to have lived through? I actually can not remember the intensity of that pain anymore. I know that sounds strange but it makes perfect sense in my mind.
As much as the bad days come and sometime stay; its not until I'm forced to remember how bad that period of time was straight after we lost him, do I truly realise just how far I have come.
I don't want Bobby's short life and death to be in vain. Before he was conceived I was always in the mind that 'everything happens for a reason'.
Seven months down the line; I still cant find that reason, so instead of keep looking for something of which I might never find, I have woken up to the fact that I should instead 'do' something to make that pain worthwhile.
Unfortunately, I don't have a clue what or how ...
Suggestions in the Box please
Thought this a good time to write a journal after seeing tons of posts on BC about the 'One Born Every Minute' programme.
Having read some of the comments from the ladies I'm feeling quite tearful from just seeing the comments, let alone the sights and sounds of the programme; I knew I was right to avoid it like the plague. Thankfully my OH is watching 'Last Woman Standing' so there was never a chance of watching it anyway.
A simple programme of something of which happens every single day is yet more confirmation that there are still some things I must avoid in order to keep my mind well. There is no point in punishing yourself for no reason after all.
A strange thing happened in the early hours Sunday morning. After Goggling myself (not my real name - I'm not that sad nor was I that bored - on my chat screen name and another I have used for many years) I came across a link back to his blog on 'a real-time search engine for breaking news and topical content' (or so it says).
Having clicked this link it took me through to a Norwegian woman's Twitter page. Very random. She had linked to my web page commenting; 'been reading this blog, I'm crying my eyes out.' Let me reiterate; very random.
It’s strange because despite having had a personal web page since 2004 its the first time I’ve ever seen anyone link back to it. It’s a whole different feeling from receiving a comment on a post on a chat board. It’s quite strange when you know a stranger has been so affected by your words on their screen that they link to it in order to share it with their friends or contacts. Its also quite a hard hitting reminder that as soon as you hit the Save or Post button, your inner most thoughts or emotions are no longer your own.
I'm not quite sure where this post is going so I apologise...
Seeing her reaction to my words has got me thinking; if she felt the need to cry her eyes out over something of which a stranger on the web has written then just how bad was it for us to have lived through it? I actually can not remember the intensity of the pain anymore. I know that sounds strange but for some reason it makes perfect sense.
As much as the bad days come and sometime stay for an hour, 8 hours, 2 days whatever; its not until I'm forced to remember how bad that period of time was straight after we lost him, do I truly realise just how far I have come.
I’ve wanted to post the following on the PAIL board for a good couple of weeks now but I’ve never really found the right way to ask or bring it up so as I'm now just rambling, maybe this is the place to do it.
I don't want Bobby's short life and death to be in vain. Before he was conceived I was always in the mind that 'everything happens for a reason'. 7 months down the line; I still cant find that reason, so instead of keep looking for something of which I might never find, I’ve woken up the fact that I want to instead 'do' something to make the pain worthwhile.
Unfortunately, I don't have a clue what or how... only time will tell.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Control
Why is it that when things look like they are picking up, things suddenly go pear shaped?
Why is it that everyone around me seems to have more control over my life then I do?
I am currently temping and I have been temping at different places since January 2008. I have gone into every temp job with the mind set to impress, to treat the job as I would a permanent one in the hope that it would impress those around me enough to keep me on permanently.
The last place I temped at was my local Council. I was there for six months and we were in talks about making me permanent and then less then a week later; the company goes through a restructure and stop all recruitment. Luckily I managed to get a full time permanent job elsewhere but they sacked me three months down the line, weeks after telling them I was pregnant.
Because of this I was out of work from fifteen weeks until less then two weeks after Bobby died, when thankfully this current position came along and I really thought this might be it. Its 15 mins down the road and I love it here. I love the people. I even love the work. I have had a feeling all along that this could be the place I finally settle into. The job I could fall pregnant in and return after my maternity.
Three weeks ago however, a woman who has been on maternity leave for the past eighteen months came back. Her position is currently filled by someone else so; as she is only working two days a week, we are now job sharing. The two days she is here I am working in a different department.
Yesterday we had a surprise visit from the top bosses in Head Office. The company is going through a restructure and lots of positions are being deleted and those staff who positions are going, have to reapply for their jobs elsewhere.
The women who I am job sharing with, the job she was doing before maternity and of which she still gets paid for; is one of those positions being deleted. This means she automatically falls into my role should she want it.
If she does then I am out. If she doesn’t then I have to apply to become a permanent member of staff.
I honestly feel like the last six months I have spent here have been a waste of time. What is the point of me going into a temp job full heartily when I get nothing back?
I'm tired of working toward something, only for the finishing line be moved further away the closer I get.
Why can I not be one of those temps who doesn’t give a crap, who literally comes in, does their work and goes home? Why do I always end up getting attached to the people and the place only for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me? In fact, why can I not be like those who are happy to sit at home, popping out babies left right and centre sponging off the Government?
Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong. Maybe that is the life I was destined to lead and because I went against it, fate is trying its hardest to grind me down until I give up and go that way. *Thinks* Oh no I forgot I cant even manage the popping out of babies part can I?! FFS!!!
I am tired of having no control.
Our landlady has control over whether or not she wants to renew our contract. My OH has control over when we start TTC and therefore when we finally get to be a proper family. My temp agency has control over whether I earn money or not and determine where I go next. Bobby’s death confirmed that I do not even have control over my own body.
When will I finally be given an overdue and down right deserved break and be allowed back into my own frigging life?!
Why is it that everyone around me seems to have more control over my life then I do?
I am currently temping and I have been temping at different places since January 2008. I have gone into every temp job with the mind set to impress, to treat the job as I would a permanent one in the hope that it would impress those around me enough to keep me on permanently.
The last place I temped at was my local Council. I was there for six months and we were in talks about making me permanent and then less then a week later; the company goes through a restructure and stop all recruitment. Luckily I managed to get a full time permanent job elsewhere but they sacked me three months down the line, weeks after telling them I was pregnant.
Because of this I was out of work from fifteen weeks until less then two weeks after Bobby died, when thankfully this current position came along and I really thought this might be it. Its 15 mins down the road and I love it here. I love the people. I even love the work. I have had a feeling all along that this could be the place I finally settle into. The job I could fall pregnant in and return after my maternity.
Three weeks ago however, a woman who has been on maternity leave for the past eighteen months came back. Her position is currently filled by someone else so; as she is only working two days a week, we are now job sharing. The two days she is here I am working in a different department.
Yesterday we had a surprise visit from the top bosses in Head Office. The company is going through a restructure and lots of positions are being deleted and those staff who positions are going, have to reapply for their jobs elsewhere.
The women who I am job sharing with, the job she was doing before maternity and of which she still gets paid for; is one of those positions being deleted. This means she automatically falls into my role should she want it.
If she does then I am out. If she doesn’t then I have to apply to become a permanent member of staff.
I honestly feel like the last six months I have spent here have been a waste of time. What is the point of me going into a temp job full heartily when I get nothing back?
I'm tired of working toward something, only for the finishing line be moved further away the closer I get.
Why can I not be one of those temps who doesn’t give a crap, who literally comes in, does their work and goes home? Why do I always end up getting attached to the people and the place only for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me? In fact, why can I not be like those who are happy to sit at home, popping out babies left right and centre sponging off the Government?
Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong. Maybe that is the life I was destined to lead and because I went against it, fate is trying its hardest to grind me down until I give up and go that way. *Thinks* Oh no I forgot I cant even manage the popping out of babies part can I?! FFS!!!
I am tired of having no control.
Our landlady has control over whether or not she wants to renew our contract. My OH has control over when we start TTC and therefore when we finally get to be a proper family. My temp agency has control over whether I earn money or not and determine where I go next. Bobby’s death confirmed that I do not even have control over my own body.
When will I finally be given an overdue and down right deserved break and be allowed back into my own frigging life?!
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