Control

Why is it that when things look like they are picking up, things suddenly go pear shaped?

Why is it that everyone around me seems to have more control over my life then I do?

I am currently temping and I have been temping at different places since January 2008. I have gone into every temp job with the mind set to impress, to treat the job as I would a permanent one in the hope that it would impress those around me enough to keep me on permanently.

The last place I temped at was my local Council. I was there for six months and we were in talks about making me permanent and then less then a week later; the company goes through a restructure and stop all recruitment. Luckily I managed to get a full time permanent job elsewhere but they sacked me three months down the line, weeks after telling them I was pregnant.

Because of this I was out of work from fifteen weeks until less then two weeks after Bobby died, when thankfully this current position came along and I really thought this might be it. Its 15 mins down the road and I love it here. I love the people. I even love the work. I have had a feeling all along that this could be the place I finally settle into. The job I could fall pregnant in and return after my maternity.

Three weeks ago however, a woman who has been on maternity leave for the past eighteen months came back. Her position is currently filled by someone else so; as she is only working two days a week, we are now job sharing. The two days she is here I am working in a different department.

Yesterday we had a surprise visit from the top bosses in Head Office. The company is going through a restructure and lots of positions are being deleted and those staff who positions are going, have to reapply for their jobs elsewhere.

The women who I am job sharing with, the job she was doing before maternity and of which she still gets paid for; is one of those positions being deleted. This means she automatically falls into my role should she want it.

If she does then I am out. If she doesn’t then I have to apply to become a permanent member of staff.

I honestly feel like the last six months I have spent here have been a waste of time. What is the point of me going into a temp job full heartily when I get nothing back?

I'm tired of working toward something, only for the finishing line be moved further away the closer I get.

Why can I not be one of those temps who doesn’t give a crap, who literally comes in, does their work and goes home? Why do I always end up getting attached to the people and the place only for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me? In fact, why can I not be like those who are happy to sit at home, popping out babies left right and centre sponging off the Government?

Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong. Maybe that is the life I was destined to lead and because I went against it, fate is trying its hardest to grind me down until I give up and go that way. *Thinks* Oh no I forgot I cant even manage the popping out of babies part can I?! FFS!!!

I am tired of having no control.

Our landlady has control over whether or not she wants to renew our contract. My OH has control over when we start TTC and therefore when we finally get to be a proper family. My temp agency has control over whether I earn money or not and determine where I go next. Bobby’s death confirmed that I do not even have control over my own body.

When will I finally be given an overdue and down right deserved break and be allowed back into my own frigging life?!

Progress

The OH and I had a talk yesterday about the way our relationship is going and how to overcome certain objects we are finding hard to deal with. He says that he is stressed about money but once that starts to pick up one way or another he will feel better about him, us and our future. He says he wants children but wants to be able to provide for them and us first because he doesn’t want the extra worry.

Money to him is a big thing and tb, if we ever have a problem, its normal to do with money. Considering we have been together 11 years we don’t really argue and have never ‘had a break’ etc so I know we are meant for each other and will be together until one of us decides to join Bobby in the sky.

I asked him if he thought he may be depressed and he paused and said ‘maybe’. I asked if he would consider doing something about it like going to the Doctors or speaking to someone but as I expected he fobbed both off. I can’t talk though as I have done exactly the same in the past.

So that’s it. I am leaving it now and see what happens within the next month. Im going to concentrate instead on the next four weekends which are full of visits to friends, my Dad’s 50th Birthday and a friends Baby Shower. Plus I think this is a good time to get back into shape and lose this extra two stones I have put on in the past nine months.

On another note, our flat is up for renewal at the end of February and thankfully our landlady is happy to extend it for another six months.

Work wise; the company I temp for are going through a restructure and a lot of people are going, however, my role is one they can not get rid off and the lady who is currently job sharing with me two days a week must reapply for her position (my current one) and I know that she does not want to come back full time as she is addicted to her baby so, *fingers crossed* she wont reapply and the job will automatically go to me which means it will then become permanent. *Double fingers crossed!*

I have just called my hospital to request all of my notes and letters from my Maternity Book. It wasn’t until after a thread on the support network I am part of that I realised I wanted a copy of everything; right from the first visit to the very end. Maybe it will put some ghosts to bed and help my mind compute what happened.

Back to Reality Once More

My last journal post seems like it was written an eternity ago. Reading back on it Im glad it does considering what I had written.

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks in ‘hiding’ if truth be told. I needed some space to get my head back together and to give myself the time to step back from anything baby related or real life related for that matter.

I spent that time away from the internet reading. A lot of reading. Infact Id read on the way home from work and after dinner all the way up until 2am when I realised I needed to go to bed in order to get up the next day for work. Last weekend I only stopped reading to cook and eat dinner. I did nothing at all but live in the world of Vampires and Werewolves and it was very much what I needed.

I wonder now if I maybe had a little breakdown but I am in control of it. Last week and the week before I wasn’t; but I am now. I am afteral still learning to live with my new life with the new me.

I know that I have to start looking forward instead of reliving July on a daily basis. I need to get back to talking to my friends and start to socialise once more before I loose them completely. I can’t keep living in the shadow of the 3rd of July 2009.

It’s my OH’s 39th birthday tomorrow. I haven’t asked him how he feels about it and I'm not going to because I don’t want to make him think about it but if the truth be told, I feel a little sad for him. It would have been his first birthday as a Daddy. Because of this I'm determined to make it a special day for him and to make sure he doesn’t have time to dwell on this fact.

I asked him a couple of weeks ago in general conversation that if he could chose a perfect birthday, what would happen. He said he would like to wake up to a McDonalds Breakfast, go out for the day shopping and then come home to his favourite home cooked meal and maybe finish the day with a bit of the other. Luckily for him I'm a very good girlfriend and I have set the day up so that everything on his list is achieved; not that he knows this yet.

Six Month Angelversary

I have spent a lot of today crying and it’s made me realise that I have a problem.

I have been feeling down within myself for a while now and its only after not getting out of bed until 5pm today after getting up at 2pm, crying, having an argument with the OH and going back to bed again only to wake up and cry some more; I think I may have some form of depression of which I need to get a control over.

OH and I have been arguing a lot this weekend, which we never do unless something is seriously wrong and what he has said to me has made me realise how distant and selfish I have been when he needs support too.

He says that I have seemed down for the past two months especially and he is right. This weekends argument started all because he wanted me to put a pile of washing away which had been sitting in the bedroom for over a month; I flew off the handle putting him down with nasty words and all because I couldn’t be bothered to put it away.

In all honesty I can not be bothered to do anything anymore. I haven't even got washed today. I don't get out of bed at the weekend until the afternoon unless I have a reason to get up. Even then I resent it when I have to go out of the house. Its ok popping to the shops because we live next door to a Tesco, but even then I will go in there without makeup, in my tracksuit which I have probably slept in and I no longer look forward to meeting up with friends because I would rather spend all day indoors at home doing nothing.

I was told off at work on NYE due to my constant lateness and also due to the fact that I have shown up on the 'overuse of the internet' tracker by IT who have reported it to my Manager. As I am a temp I really can not afford to lose my job so I know the time has come to sort myself out. I don't want to end up losing my job, my social life nor my OH.

2009 The Year That Was

2009.

The biggest and longest twelve month roller coaster I have ever ridden on in my 28 years on this planet.

31st December 2008 I remember it like it was yesterday.

I was sat on my MIL's bed with the laptop funny enough on my lap, in the process of closing down my TTC blog which had been up and running for over a year. We had been living at the MIL's since August 2008 after our landlord kicked us out due to him and his partner being pregnant. As the OH had recently started his new business and I was temping, we stayed there while saving for a new flat and to give us a break.

We had earlier that month been told that despite not falling pregnant for over two years, the tests had shown nothing wrong with us fertility wise. We were labelled as having 'unexplained infertility'.

I made a promise to myself that night that I would forget all things babies and instead concentrate on living life as the 27 year old that I was instead of the 'I cant do that in case I'm pregnant' that I had spent so long doing.

January 2009 I dropped a dress size due to a new diet and I started taking the Iron Tablets and Folic Acid suggested by the Doctor in order to help our cause.

February I found out that my current temporary job with the local Council was coming to an end and I somehow managed for the first time since December 2007 to get myself a permanent job less then a week after posting my CV onto Monster. A week later we received news that we could move into the flat we liked. All we needed now was a BFP and it would make it three in a row.

March I was at my parents for the weekend due to my Brother bringing his new girlfriend home for the first time. Four days late on my AF and the night after drinking a bottle of JD, my Mum popped to Tesco's to buy some tests. I read the first test and threw it in the bin. A few moments later a little voice in my head questioned if Id read it correctly, so I retrieved it from the bin and there it was; a BPF. My initial reaction was to cry. Not only because it was such a shock but because it was real and I was so so scared! I kept the result to myself over dinner as I didn't want to take the moment away from my Brother. Once home I told the OH who's only reaction was 'Oh' and we hugged. My Mum called to ask what the result was and of course she became obsessed there and then.

May Bank Holiday Everything seemed to start to go down hill from this point. That day was my last day at work after they sacked me less then five weeks after telling them I was pregnant.

June 15th My waters broke to an infection at 19+5 and on the 17th at the 20 week scan we were told our baby would die.

July 2nd The umbilical cord prolapsed and Bobby was born on the 3rd at 5:48am weighing 460gs at 22+2 days.

Two out of the three things which normal people take for granted had gone within a matter of months.

Our Son was buried on the 14th July and that was it. It was over. I cant explain the feeling of knowing that you are a Mummy but there being no baby to look after. Even though your mind knows that the baby has gone and it will never come back, I will never forget the feeling of my body craving to love and nurture and it took a lot of effort both emotionally and physically to get past that stage.

I spent the next couple of months trying to find myself again and trying so hard to get to like the new me and of course trying to stop the guilt that my body had killed a perfectly formed human being.

Thankfully I also discovered new friends via the baby networking site I was already a member of while pregnant and at the same time I also realised just how loved I was by my existing friends. I know I will never be able to fully repay them for their continued support.

November Bobby's due day finally arrived. A day that was dreaded but in the end it wasn't as bad as the build up. One of which I will never forget due to the overwhelming feeling of peace I felt all around us. I took the day off of work and we spent it together as a family. There were lots of hugs, a visit to his grave and bizarrely a disagreement over which balloon to chose.

December finally arrived and again Christmas wasn't as bad as expected. It should have been the best Christmas ever but instead it was 'just' Christmas. A day of eating, talking and of course trying to work out who killed Archie Mitchell {Ben Mitchell} I shared my grief of losing Bobby with my Aunt who had only three weeks before lost her Mum to Cancer. In a strange way it was nice to have someone else there to share the sadness with.

31st December today. I somehow find myself in full circle.

I am again going into a new year without a baby but this time I am a Mummy.

I am again going into a new year in a temporary job but I'm ok with that because unlike some people in this world I have a job and it’s a job that I like.

We are still living in our little flat which is one more thing then we had last year.

The last AF of 2009 arrived yesterday but I am comfortable with that because I know that once it has finished, the start of our brand new TTC journey begins.

Goodbye to you 2009, the worst year of my life. 

Christmas 2009

It wasn't exactly the best Christmas I have ever had. We opened our presents, we ate good food, we watched rubbish TV and we lit a candle then we went home.

My best friend brought me a gorgeous Forrelli bag which was a complete surprise because although we 'do' presents we dont do 'those' kind of presents and never have done in the past ten years! It is gorgeous and it confirms even more what great friends I do have around me.

What would have made it the best Christmas ever, would have been having a seven week old baby boy bouncing away in his new bouncy chair; waving his arms around, mesmerised by all the lights from the tree, the flash from the camera and feeling sleepy from all the attention he is receiving from his family on his first ever Christmas Day.

Instead his first Christmas was spent alone in his grave while his parents were sat at my parent’s house, imagining what his first Christmas would have been like had things worked out as they should have.

My Aunt lost her Mum three weeks ago to Cancer. In a strange and probably selfish way, I was thankful to share my sorrow and was glad for the focus to be taken away from family whispering 'is she ok' 'how is she bearing up' 'has she cried yet'.

I logged onto the Internet this afternoon for the first time this weekend to find lots of proud families displaying photos of their little ones dressed in their little Christmas outfits. Bobby’s Santa outfit was packed away back in July and the only first Christmas pictures we got to take were of his new baubles hanging from the tree.

As usual I spent Christmas Eve running around getting the last of the presents and while out I bought my little boy a present despite the fact that he will never see it. It felt strangely nice to buy him something and if I'm honest, it helped to ease my conscious. As strange as it sounds, I am so so scared of forgetting Bobby and having his spirit feeling left out should I not think of him for just one day or not acknowledge him on a special holiday by not buying him something.

I bought him the Blue Nose Bear Beanie Reindeer ‘Bells’. As extremely sad as I understand this sounds, I have been taking this beanie to bed every night since buying it. I don’t know why.

Bobby received two presents from two friends. My best friend bought him a gorgeous mini blue candle which is decorated in a light blue velvet pattern. This now sits in-between ‘Bells’ legs on his shelf. He also got the Blue Nose Bear (she did not know I had brought Bells) Jingle.

What is it with Christmas TV and newborns? There I was happily watching the new drama ‘Britain’s Fattest Man’ last week and towards the end; his friend lost her baby at twenty eight weeks. I turn onto GMTV Christmas Eve and sitting there is the weather girl with her premature baby girl who was born three months early. Christmas Day; Eastenders Ronnie has a MC. I understand these may be great story lines but is there not a single woman working on the board who speaks out during the script writers meeting and says ‘actually lads, I don’t think it’s the best thing to be showing over Christmas of all times. Think of those who don’t want to be reminded on over Christmas of all times of the year’.

2010 is only five days away.

The closer it gets the more I am worried about what it holds.

We are supposedly going to start TTC in January and yet the fear of it taking us over two years to fall pregnant again like it did with Bobby grows stronger every day. A friend and a cousin are due next year; how many other BPF’s from friends and family are there going to be before we get our own? What if we are lucky enough to fall straight away but it ends up being due on the same month or even worse, the same day as what Bobby should have been born? I so so wish our first proper family Christmas to be in 2010 and yet in order to achieve this, we must be pregnant by February which is only two months away.

I need to stop ranting now because if I don't I never will. I would simple like to lead a normal life like everyone else please.