Well she finally knocked on my door today.
She's only light at the moment but I’ve got the tell tale cramps around the thighs and pelvis as pre Bobby so I know this is her and not the same mad cramping I had a couple of weeks back.
Funny enough, she has arrived four weeks to the day that I gave birth. Fate or a bad reminder; I’m not sure. Pre Bobby I was 28 days on the dot and I hope this will continue to be so.
This may sound strange but I’m going to do a pregnancy test when the AF finishes, just making sure I get a negative and we can then go from there. We are not going to try; as I’ve said previously, it will be a case of 'if it happens, it happens'. That way there will be no pressure and no expectations as there was the last time.
My Brother and I were in talks last night about doing a run to raise some money for SANDS. We haven’t confirmed any dates or where we will run yet but not only will it be a good goal to aim for, it will also, hopefully, get me back into shape.
I am doing a Car Boot in two weeks time with my Mum and my Aunt and I have decided to sell quite a few of the baby grows and the other items that I had for Bobby but that were not special. I’ve kept the special items of clothing which we brought him and which were brought by friends especially for him; they are in his memory box, but I have over 80 vests/sleep suites and they are doing nothing and will probably do nothing for quite a while.
Infact they are still hanging up in the wardrobe as I keep putting off taking them down but I think I am finally ready to do it. Thinking about doing it is bringing a tear to my eye, but they can’t be left hanging up forever as they are a reminder and they are in the wardrobe which my OH uses so it’s not fair on him to see them there every day either. I guess doing the car boot is an excuse because then I do have to do it.
And breathe. PMA. PMA.
Friday, 31 July 2009
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Thoughts and Wants
Today our baby has been an Angel for a whole month.
Yesterday, I would have been 26 weeks pregnant; six and a half months gone.
Six and a half months seems such a long way to have come but it wasn't meant to be, we only made it to twenty two weeks. For whatever reason, five and a half months doesn't for some reason sound that impressive.
Tuesday is only two weeks ago that we buried him. It seems such a long time ago and yet at the same time it feels as though it never happened. Like the whole thing was a dream.
While lying in bed last night I had a random thought which turned into a fear. What if I get pregnant again and it turns out to be a boy? In all honesty I don't want another boy, it wouldn't feel right. It would feel like Bobby had been replaced with a baby which my body accepted and liked. It would make me feel even more guilty.
I can’t imagine never being pregnant again but I'm shit scared of falling pregnant again. Even though we are not trying to conceive we have had unprotected sex and although it’s only been two weeks since my post labour bleeding finished, I am yet to have my first visit from my AF.
I had twenty eight months of the 'am I, aren't I' question before falling with Bobby and to be back there again is horrible. It’s beyond horrible. It’s scary.
I really wish I had never fallen pregnant to start with and that we were still waiting to fall and when I do get pregnant, I wish that that baby was Bobby. I wish my body had waited to conceive him until it was ready to carry him to full term.
I loved being pregnant with him. He never gave me morning sickness. He kicked me every time I poked my belly to let me know he was there. He kicked every time the nurse checked his heartbeat at the hospital. We played our belly button game together.
Despite the early scares with the bleeding he hung on. Despite the stress I went through with losing my job he hung on. Despite my waters breaking and us being told he would die he hung on. He surprised the M/W and the Doctors when his heartbeat was heard after the cord prolapsed. He hung on all the way through until ultimately my body f*cked it all up and it suffocated him.
I want my Bobby back.
Yesterday, I would have been 26 weeks pregnant; six and a half months gone.
Six and a half months seems such a long way to have come but it wasn't meant to be, we only made it to twenty two weeks. For whatever reason, five and a half months doesn't for some reason sound that impressive.
Tuesday is only two weeks ago that we buried him. It seems such a long time ago and yet at the same time it feels as though it never happened. Like the whole thing was a dream.
While lying in bed last night I had a random thought which turned into a fear. What if I get pregnant again and it turns out to be a boy? In all honesty I don't want another boy, it wouldn't feel right. It would feel like Bobby had been replaced with a baby which my body accepted and liked. It would make me feel even more guilty.
I can’t imagine never being pregnant again but I'm shit scared of falling pregnant again. Even though we are not trying to conceive we have had unprotected sex and although it’s only been two weeks since my post labour bleeding finished, I am yet to have my first visit from my AF.
I had twenty eight months of the 'am I, aren't I' question before falling with Bobby and to be back there again is horrible. It’s beyond horrible. It’s scary.
I really wish I had never fallen pregnant to start with and that we were still waiting to fall and when I do get pregnant, I wish that that baby was Bobby. I wish my body had waited to conceive him until it was ready to carry him to full term.
I loved being pregnant with him. He never gave me morning sickness. He kicked me every time I poked my belly to let me know he was there. He kicked every time the nurse checked his heartbeat at the hospital. We played our belly button game together.
Despite the early scares with the bleeding he hung on. Despite the stress I went through with losing my job he hung on. Despite my waters breaking and us being told he would die he hung on. He surprised the M/W and the Doctors when his heartbeat was heard after the cord prolapsed. He hung on all the way through until ultimately my body f*cked it all up and it suffocated him.
I want my Bobby back.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Something to Wake Up For
It’s been well over a week since my past post; the last post being Bobby’s funeral in fact.
I’ve been on here changing the layout around, wanting to type something but the words just haven’t flown.
Plus every time I have thought of something to type, the housework needs doing or the dinner needs cooking or my OH makes a comment about how much time I am spending on the computer of late so I turn it off with the hump.
I should be in bed right now as I start a new placement tomorrow via my agency which starts at 8am. It’s as an Admin Assistant at a local train company.
It may seem way too early to some but I am glad to be going to work. I’ve worked four days since falling pregnant with Bobby after the company I was with sacked me shortly after I told them I was pregnant in May.
It’s been killing me sitting around here all day. I didn’t mind so much while I was pregnant, as I was happy for the rest, plus I had came to accept that I wouldn’t be back in work until after Bobby was born. I just didn’t expect him to be born too early and for me to still be looking for work.
While pregnant I looked into training as a Teaching Assistant which is what I truly want to do but I was advised that I need to be in a school to start with and as the course was for a year, I wasn’t in the right place to be doing it. Since Bobby’s death I’ve been looking into it again but it’s now the school summer holidays which means they don’t re-open until September. The on-line courses I have been looking at all range from £300 - £500 each which I obviously can’t afford. I just don’t want to get stuck working back in an office environment clock watching, working only to pay my bills, sucking up to my boss just because yet again I’m late for work. I’m nearly thirty, I need be in a happy place within my life but nothing seems to be going to plan.
Another thing I have been looking into is seeing a Councillor. There is a lot of things going round in my head at present and I’m tired of crying myself to sleep each night or crying for a minute while I’m on my own and then stopping when my OH walks into the room. It’s just not healthy. There’s also the drink. I’ve managed to stay away from it apart from a bottle I was given for my birthday and my birthday weekend; last weekend where I drank for the whole day and could feel the old alcoholic feelings from three years ago creeping back through. I really do not want to go back to that dark place again. Ever.
Speaking of dark places I really need to get off to bed. It will probably take the usual hour to fall asleep but at least I will have something constructive to wake up for this time.
I’ve been on here changing the layout around, wanting to type something but the words just haven’t flown.
Plus every time I have thought of something to type, the housework needs doing or the dinner needs cooking or my OH makes a comment about how much time I am spending on the computer of late so I turn it off with the hump.
I should be in bed right now as I start a new placement tomorrow via my agency which starts at 8am. It’s as an Admin Assistant at a local train company.
It may seem way too early to some but I am glad to be going to work. I’ve worked four days since falling pregnant with Bobby after the company I was with sacked me shortly after I told them I was pregnant in May.
It’s been killing me sitting around here all day. I didn’t mind so much while I was pregnant, as I was happy for the rest, plus I had came to accept that I wouldn’t be back in work until after Bobby was born. I just didn’t expect him to be born too early and for me to still be looking for work.
While pregnant I looked into training as a Teaching Assistant which is what I truly want to do but I was advised that I need to be in a school to start with and as the course was for a year, I wasn’t in the right place to be doing it. Since Bobby’s death I’ve been looking into it again but it’s now the school summer holidays which means they don’t re-open until September. The on-line courses I have been looking at all range from £300 - £500 each which I obviously can’t afford. I just don’t want to get stuck working back in an office environment clock watching, working only to pay my bills, sucking up to my boss just because yet again I’m late for work. I’m nearly thirty, I need be in a happy place within my life but nothing seems to be going to plan.
Another thing I have been looking into is seeing a Councillor. There is a lot of things going round in my head at present and I’m tired of crying myself to sleep each night or crying for a minute while I’m on my own and then stopping when my OH walks into the room. It’s just not healthy. There’s also the drink. I’ve managed to stay away from it apart from a bottle I was given for my birthday and my birthday weekend; last weekend where I drank for the whole day and could feel the old alcoholic feelings from three years ago creeping back through. I really do not want to go back to that dark place again. Ever.
Speaking of dark places I really need to get off to bed. It will probably take the usual hour to fall asleep but at least I will have something constructive to wake up for this time.
Friday, 24 July 2009
A Friday Blah Blah
Well I lasted a whole five days away from the www which has been ‘nice.
I’ve been painting our bedroom all day and annoyingly the bloody thing needs four coats on each wall!
I had a call today about another temporary job which starts on Monday. It’s the usual Admin role but this time it’s for a rail company. I’m looking forward to it as it will give me some purpose in life since the last temporary position ended. How sad does that sound? Very I know but it’s true.
The past three days I have been getting period like cramps which I’ve presumed would be the start of my first AF but nothing has yet appeared. The post labour bleeding has stopped but hey ho, we will just have to wait and see.
I am already prepared to be sad when it does arrive because it will be the final confirmation of the end of Bobby’s pregnancy; as strange as that sounds. Saying that however, my nails are already breaking, my tummy is now flat, I have spots coming through on my chin and I no longer get up at 5am for a wee anymore so I guess the confirmation that the pregnancy is over has been there all along.
As well as it being sad, I can also imagine it will also be a good thing to see it arrive because it will mean I can keep an eye on my cycle and therefore get some control back over my own body.
Well, that’s enough of my rambling; its time to get back to the painting.
I’ve been painting our bedroom all day and annoyingly the bloody thing needs four coats on each wall!
I had a call today about another temporary job which starts on Monday. It’s the usual Admin role but this time it’s for a rail company. I’m looking forward to it as it will give me some purpose in life since the last temporary position ended. How sad does that sound? Very I know but it’s true.
The past three days I have been getting period like cramps which I’ve presumed would be the start of my first AF but nothing has yet appeared. The post labour bleeding has stopped but hey ho, we will just have to wait and see.
I am already prepared to be sad when it does arrive because it will be the final confirmation of the end of Bobby’s pregnancy; as strange as that sounds. Saying that however, my nails are already breaking, my tummy is now flat, I have spots coming through on my chin and I no longer get up at 5am for a wee anymore so I guess the confirmation that the pregnancy is over has been there all along.
As well as it being sad, I can also imagine it will also be a good thing to see it arrive because it will mean I can keep an eye on my cycle and therefore get some control back over my own body.
Well, that’s enough of my rambling; its time to get back to the painting.
Sunday, 19 July 2009
Taking Some Time Out
I’ve decided to leave the www for a while. I’ve realized that at the moment it’s not healthy for me to be looking around sites which contain babies and pregnant bellies.
In a strange way, through no fault of anyone but my own, I feel like I’m having my nose rubbed in it that I’m no longer pregnant and that my baby is never coming back. I really don’t know where I belong anymore.
I need to get back into the real world instead of hiding away in the virtual one and I need to try to get over the fact that Bobby will never be coming back. I need to concentrate on getting a job and start speaking to my OH instead of speaking to people on the internet.
I’m sure I will come crawling back once things settle down in my head and in my life.
In a strange way, through no fault of anyone but my own, I feel like I’m having my nose rubbed in it that I’m no longer pregnant and that my baby is never coming back. I really don’t know where I belong anymore.
I need to get back into the real world instead of hiding away in the virtual one and I need to try to get over the fact that Bobby will never be coming back. I need to concentrate on getting a job and start speaking to my OH instead of speaking to people on the internet.
I’m sure I will come crawling back once things settle down in my head and in my life.
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Bobby's Funeral
Tuesday 14th July 2009 at 9am; another date and time forever embedded into my memory.
When I was little I wanted just two things. Firstly for my crush of 5yrs David W to finally notice me and secondly to have twin babies which I would call Chelsea and Christian (this was the 90s)
I didn’t quite understand how babies worked but I knew that your belly grew bigger and out it popped. When I imagined what they would look like it never once crossed my mind that at the age of 28 I would not only find myself pregnant but that I would also be burying that child.
I started researching my Family Tree last year and I discovered that my Great Nan had given birth to a girl who was stillborn. Back then in the 30s a stillbirth was something to be ashamed off and it was never spoken about. Babies were buried outside the cemetery walls as they were not seemed fit to be received by ‘God’. Whilst researching I could only imagine what my Great Nan had gone through as she also went on to bury her other two daughters; one of them being my Nan, and yet here I am finding myself knowing exactly what she went through.
The day itself in retrospect was the second hardest day of my life and yet it wasn’t as bad as I had built it up to be.
The OH and I were met outside the chapel by Lee from the hospital morgue, the minister and a lady pallbearer. We were asked if we wanted to carry Bobby’s coffin into the chapel but we both declined. I had already held Bobby in my arms when I went to visit him and to hold him this time in his little wooden coffin just didn’t seem right.
The sight of the coffin made my OH cry and he continued to cry all throughout the ceremony and for most of the day. Not having seen Bobby before this day I guess it shocked him at how small his coffin was, along with every other new emotion the day brought with it.
We sat on the front row of the chapel and the minister started to speak. To be honest I cannot remember a word he said. For whatever reason I couldn’t cry but I do remember shaking all the way through the ceremony while looking at our baby’s coffin sitting on the pillar and wondering why, if there is such a thing as God, why did he let this happen. Why, if he knew how much we wanted Bobby, why did he take him away? People have said that it was because he was too good for this earth but then does that mean that our next child, should we make it to full term, not be as special because they are allowed to live? What makes one child more special then another?
The service lasted no longer then 10 minutes and with that we followed the car to the cemetery where he would be laid to rest. I will never forget the image of his tiny coffin being put into the pall bearer’s boot.
While Bobby was being placed into his grave a few more words were spoken, we threw some dirt onto his coffin and then it started to rain. It seems silly but this made me smile as I had hoped it would rain all morning. I was once told that if it rains during a funeral then it is a sign that that person is at peace; whether that is true or not, I don’t know, but I do hope so.
Now that Bobby has been laid to rest what now? This is one of many a question I have been asking myself since the day he died.
One thing I do know for sure is that Bobby will never be forgotten. I won’t allow him to be forgotten. His future brother or sister will know all about him and even when the time comes that I am able to go through a whole day without crying, he will always be in my heart. I used to be scared of death but now I know that when the time comes for his Daddy and me it won’t be so bad because we will finally get to be a proper family among the clouds.
When I was little I wanted just two things. Firstly for my crush of 5yrs David W to finally notice me and secondly to have twin babies which I would call Chelsea and Christian (this was the 90s)
I didn’t quite understand how babies worked but I knew that your belly grew bigger and out it popped. When I imagined what they would look like it never once crossed my mind that at the age of 28 I would not only find myself pregnant but that I would also be burying that child.
I started researching my Family Tree last year and I discovered that my Great Nan had given birth to a girl who was stillborn. Back then in the 30s a stillbirth was something to be ashamed off and it was never spoken about. Babies were buried outside the cemetery walls as they were not seemed fit to be received by ‘God’. Whilst researching I could only imagine what my Great Nan had gone through as she also went on to bury her other two daughters; one of them being my Nan, and yet here I am finding myself knowing exactly what she went through.
The day itself in retrospect was the second hardest day of my life and yet it wasn’t as bad as I had built it up to be.
The OH and I were met outside the chapel by Lee from the hospital morgue, the minister and a lady pallbearer. We were asked if we wanted to carry Bobby’s coffin into the chapel but we both declined. I had already held Bobby in my arms when I went to visit him and to hold him this time in his little wooden coffin just didn’t seem right.
The sight of the coffin made my OH cry and he continued to cry all throughout the ceremony and for most of the day. Not having seen Bobby before this day I guess it shocked him at how small his coffin was, along with every other new emotion the day brought with it.
We sat on the front row of the chapel and the minister started to speak. To be honest I cannot remember a word he said. For whatever reason I couldn’t cry but I do remember shaking all the way through the ceremony while looking at our baby’s coffin sitting on the pillar and wondering why, if there is such a thing as God, why did he let this happen. Why, if he knew how much we wanted Bobby, why did he take him away? People have said that it was because he was too good for this earth but then does that mean that our next child, should we make it to full term, not be as special because they are allowed to live? What makes one child more special then another?
The service lasted no longer then 10 minutes and with that we followed the car to the cemetery where he would be laid to rest. I will never forget the image of his tiny coffin being put into the pall bearer’s boot.
While Bobby was being placed into his grave a few more words were spoken, we threw some dirt onto his coffin and then it started to rain. It seems silly but this made me smile as I had hoped it would rain all morning. I was once told that if it rains during a funeral then it is a sign that that person is at peace; whether that is true or not, I don’t know, but I do hope so.
Now that Bobby has been laid to rest what now? This is one of many a question I have been asking myself since the day he died.
One thing I do know for sure is that Bobby will never be forgotten. I won’t allow him to be forgotten. His future brother or sister will know all about him and even when the time comes that I am able to go through a whole day without crying, he will always be in my heart. I used to be scared of death but now I know that when the time comes for his Daddy and me it won’t be so bad because we will finally get to be a proper family among the clouds.
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