A Quick Chat

I haven’t done a proper blog post for what seems like ages but I need to get this down.

I have just been in my Boss’s office for a ‘quick chat’. I hate those kinds of chats because I know that the ‘quick chat’ really means ‘a boll *** ing’.

He says he is concerned about me, that he has noticed a few things over the past few weeks and how things need to improve in not only my attendance and my lateness but also in the work I do itself.

I seem distracted he said. People have been moaning about me behind my back he said. He can’t be seen to discipline the shop floor staff while I am seemingly getting away with coming in an hour late or forgetting to do simple parts of my job he said.

Silence

Ive been feeling a little run down the past couple of months, I keep coming out in colds I say. I’m constantly tired, I can’t physically get out of bed each morning, I do nothing when I get home except sit on the computer all night because nothing really matters, I said.

Silence

I don’t like this time of the year I said. Cue a chin rumble and a broken voice as I try to keep the tears in while slating myself in my head for even contemplating crying in front of this man. I have months where I am fine but something will trigger and I will feel down for a few weeks, I said.

Thankfully my boss knows what I am going on about so I don’t need to go into detail and his tone of voice changes as he says ‘it can’t be easy for you but you need to see it from my point of view’. With that he goes on to say that he wishes I would approach him before he approached me.

I would but I can’t, I said. I have trouble talking about it.

He is right though, this can’t carry on.

I know full well in my head that I can no longer hide behind others grief to mask my own and yet my heart is too afraid to reach out and ask.

I know full well that I need to unlock this volt inside and allow everything to empty out. I just need someone to help me do it.

I am so scared that once I start I will not be able to stop but it’s something I must do otherwise I will never be able to move on.

A Note to Heaven (7)

I love you xox

A Note to Heaven (6)

Hey Little Man.

Its been a month with no written words but everyday you have been in my thoughts.

It’s nearly that time of the year again isn’t it. So many people excited about what Santa is going to bring and yet all I would like is for you to be here, pulling at the Christmas tree and to see your little face on Christmas morning. This would have been your first 'proper' Christmas; you would have been old enough to know that something was different and yet it’s not the case is it, instead it’s just another ****ty year of acting false. Mummy to going to start her Christmas shopping today but would very much like to say 'bar humbug' to it all. I know I brought you a little something months ago but I wonder what else we can find for you today. What do 17 month old Angels like Bobby?

We will come visit you this weekend and place your tree and card on your grave as per normal. Would you like a balloon this year as well? It would make a nice change wouldn’t it? Let Mummy know which one you like when Daddy and I go shopping for one and we shall get it for you.

I hope you are ok up there Bobby and that you are being nice to all the new babies who are visiting. Please show them around and make them feel welcome, be a good little boy for us and a friend to them.

Love you lots and I always will.

Love Mummy xox

Angelversary Club

At the start of each month I will add a blog post specifically to remember all the Angels who's birthday or angelversary it is that month.

If you would like your Angel included please copy, paste and complete the statements listed below and email me the details at mummytoanangel@googlemail.com

USERNAME

FIRST REAL NAME

ANGEL'S NAME

DATE YOUR ANGEL WAS BORN

DATE THEY BECAME AN ANGEL

REASON FOR BECOMING AN ANGEL

MESSAGE TO YOUR ANGEL

A Note to Heaven (5)

Bobby,

Hey you, I hope you are ok up there. Ive been thinking about you more then normal recently and have been meaning to write to you but just haven’t had the right words. Mummy has been feeling a little down and confused lately and wishing you were here more then ever.

You most probably know already but you’re Daddy and I nearly split last night and even though we both agreed we are not good for each other, for some reason we just can’t take that last step to be apart. This really is our last chance and I really do not know what is going to happen; I’m feeling a little lost right now. I’m sorry to put this on you but you always seem to be around most when Mummy is upset or thinking of you, it would be nice to have a little sign that things will eventually be ok.

You were at Elizabeth's 1st birthday party on Saturday weren’t you little man. Jo knows you were too. You loved that little TV so much that you had to play with it at the exact moment both Jo and I thought about you separately; maybe Mummy will buy you one for Christmas if you liked it that much.

I love you Bobby I really do. Please ignore all the stupid stuff Mummy does and know that you are in my messy thoughts all the time.

Love Mummy xox

A Note to Heaven (4)

Dear Bobby

Hello little man, Mummy needs to write to you tonight because she is missing you extra special at this moment in time.

Its the night before Bonfire; the night you should have been born. Had things worked out as they were supposed to do, you would have turned the big one today. How things could/should have been so different.

This time last year I had booked the day off work and Daddy and I had left you a lovely red balloon and your rose made of feathers at your grave.

This year, I am sat here indoors on my own as your Daddy has gone fishing, with the TV on in the background, the sound on mute with my i-pod in my ears, with the intention of escaping the world through the words of the music blaring into my ears.

I just wanted to let you know that I love you and that I miss you and even though I haven't left you a balloon this year, you have been in my thoughts all day long and you will continue to be until my eyes finally close at bed time.

Love Mummy xox