It is five months to the day that my baby was born asleep.
I can’t believe it’s been that long and yet at the same time, all I have to do is close my eyes and I am back in that room like it was yesterday.
I went Christmas shopping for him today. I know that those who haven't lost will now be thinking 'why the hell are you Christmas shopping for someone who is not alive' but to me it’s still his First Christmas and he may not be around but I can not forget him. He is on my mind twenty four seven.
I have bought him two little mini snow globes which you can hang from the Christmas tree and as we are spending this year with my parents, they shall hang from their tree. My parents are coming down in a couple of weekend’s time as they want to visit his grave and my Mum has bought him a lovely clear bauble with a tree inside of it. This will be put onto his grave on a special stand my Dad is putting together and it will then be wrapped away for the following years to come.
I also bought Bobby a large 'My first Christmas 2009' bauble which is in a presentation box. I have decided this will stay in its box and will be placed into his Memory Box to be kept forever. It’s too special to be opened at the moment.
I have also bought him a first Christmas card.
I have a very strong will to keep everything which reminds me of him - I take photos of everything I buy or receive as a gift and place it into his Memory Album - so this shall be written in but will then be placed into its envelope and again placed into his box. It’s far too special to be left on his grave to get wet.
I would like to start a collection of something to buy on every one of his special days; six month anniversary, his yearly Angelversary, Wave of Light, Christmas etc etc and I have been racking my brain as to what to collect until I remembered something I was given back in September.
My Cousin bought Bobby a large 'Blue Nose Bear' to put onto his grave shortly after he died of which has been sitting in our bedroom ever since because I can not bring myself to let it get dirty in the mud. The Christmas Bauble and his card are the 'Blue Nose Bear' so from this day forward my Son shall have a collection of these.
Its the least I can get him.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Tears of a Clown
I have just spent the past hour crying.
My head is banging, my cheeks are boiling, my eyes are swollen and my chest is as tight as hell. I cried all the way through my dinner and even impressed myself by managing to eat it all; snot included. I wouldn't however, recommend trying to swallow chips while your throat is contracting through a cry as it is quite painful.
I knew this huge episode was coming as it has been building up inside of me for a good week now. I’ve been managing to get away with the odd little tear rolling out every odd day here and there but now despite feeling and looking like I have been in the boxing ring, I'm glad its been and gone.
The crying initially started while sitting here on my own this evening in front of this computer screen trying to find the correct wording to a note I was in the process of sending to a group of friends. This group of friends in particular are my school friends who I meet up with twice a year because we live in different parts of the country but we always meet at Christmas.
It was planned that we meet this Saturday coming but I have thought about nothing else for a good while now and have decided for the first time not to go. This note was to explain my reasons to them.
I love these ladies dearly as we have all been friends since we were 10 years old but despite this, I found myself masking my reasons for not going. I wanted to tell them it’s because my heart is broken but I cant.
Now that December has finally arrived I have woken up to the fact that I can not bring myself to pretend to be excited that Christmas is around the corner. I can’t be bothered to dress myself up to 'party'. I am scared of drinking alcohol because I know that it will inevitably bring me to tears. I'm tired of pretending that all is OK and that I am this strong person everyone tells me I am.
I'm not strong. I have instead through my loss learnt to become a bloody good actress.
Santa, if your reading; forget the books, CD's, make up or jewellery. I would simply like my baby here for Christmas please.
My head is banging, my cheeks are boiling, my eyes are swollen and my chest is as tight as hell. I cried all the way through my dinner and even impressed myself by managing to eat it all; snot included. I wouldn't however, recommend trying to swallow chips while your throat is contracting through a cry as it is quite painful.
I knew this huge episode was coming as it has been building up inside of me for a good week now. I’ve been managing to get away with the odd little tear rolling out every odd day here and there but now despite feeling and looking like I have been in the boxing ring, I'm glad its been and gone.
The crying initially started while sitting here on my own this evening in front of this computer screen trying to find the correct wording to a note I was in the process of sending to a group of friends. This group of friends in particular are my school friends who I meet up with twice a year because we live in different parts of the country but we always meet at Christmas.
It was planned that we meet this Saturday coming but I have thought about nothing else for a good while now and have decided for the first time not to go. This note was to explain my reasons to them.
I love these ladies dearly as we have all been friends since we were 10 years old but despite this, I found myself masking my reasons for not going. I wanted to tell them it’s because my heart is broken but I cant.
Now that December has finally arrived I have woken up to the fact that I can not bring myself to pretend to be excited that Christmas is around the corner. I can’t be bothered to dress myself up to 'party'. I am scared of drinking alcohol because I know that it will inevitably bring me to tears. I'm tired of pretending that all is OK and that I am this strong person everyone tells me I am.
I'm not strong. I have instead through my loss learnt to become a bloody good actress.
Santa, if your reading; forget the books, CD's, make up or jewellery. I would simply like my baby here for Christmas please.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Infection Free!
For the first time in four months my results have come back as clear. I am finally infection free. I'm glad. Hopefully when I get home and tell my OH it will be enough for him want to start BD again lol.
This week has been a long and emotionally tiring week for many reasons of which are too long to go into. I’ve been wanting to cry all week but the tears just won’t flow freely. When this happens I feel full to the brim like if I don't spring a leak somewhere, I will burst at an inappropriate time.
While sitting on the bus on the way home from work last night my eyes started welling up with tears because out of the blue, an image of a little baby boy appeared to me in a vision.
He was on his back, his arms flapping around. He was gurgling and he was looking straight at me. He had dark eyes and the most beautiful big lips. It took some effort not to start crying there and then and I had no choice but to push the image out of my mind. It feels like a sign.
The OH and I are going out tomorrow night for the first time this year. A friend of his girlfriend is having her birthday at a club but I really don't want to go. Not only do I have nothing to wear as I have outgrown my clothes but I really don't like the woman.
Tomorrow night will be the first time we have seen her and her friends since Bobby died and I still can not forget that she can not be trusted from past experience or that we received no card, no phone call, not even a text to say 'sorry'. I know there will be lots of questions she and her friends will ask. I know I will hear the usual 'at least you now know you can have kids' because the last time we all went out we were 2 years into TTC and I was asked lots of questions then. 'Why has it taken so long?'' What’s wrong with you?' 'Is OH not up to it? *giggle*' blah blah blah.
I would much rather stay at home in my PJ's, surfing the net, eating takeaway, go to bed, fall asleep in a snuggle with my man.
This week has been a long and emotionally tiring week for many reasons of which are too long to go into. I’ve been wanting to cry all week but the tears just won’t flow freely. When this happens I feel full to the brim like if I don't spring a leak somewhere, I will burst at an inappropriate time.
While sitting on the bus on the way home from work last night my eyes started welling up with tears because out of the blue, an image of a little baby boy appeared to me in a vision.
He was on his back, his arms flapping around. He was gurgling and he was looking straight at me. He had dark eyes and the most beautiful big lips. It took some effort not to start crying there and then and I had no choice but to push the image out of my mind. It feels like a sign.
The OH and I are going out tomorrow night for the first time this year. A friend of his girlfriend is having her birthday at a club but I really don't want to go. Not only do I have nothing to wear as I have outgrown my clothes but I really don't like the woman.
Tomorrow night will be the first time we have seen her and her friends since Bobby died and I still can not forget that she can not be trusted from past experience or that we received no card, no phone call, not even a text to say 'sorry'. I know there will be lots of questions she and her friends will ask. I know I will hear the usual 'at least you now know you can have kids' because the last time we all went out we were 2 years into TTC and I was asked lots of questions then. 'Why has it taken so long?'' What’s wrong with you?' 'Is OH not up to it? *giggle*' blah blah blah.
I would much rather stay at home in my PJ's, surfing the net, eating takeaway, go to bed, fall asleep in a snuggle with my man.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Possible Re-Infection
I have a Doctor’s appointment booked for tomorrow evening as it appears I may have caught my third infection within the last four months.
I have been getting dull aches around my pelvic area for a week and this Saturday I had some spotting. This isn’t due to being pregnant or my period looming so I know something isn’t right down there. This morning, while running to the bus stop I had a really sharp prolonged ache right in my ‘you know what’s it’, something which I’ve not had previously. I have also {like just before my waters broke} been having an ache down my right leg which stops at my knee.
I’ve been on Google this morning for a bit of self diagnosis as despite tests done at the hospital while pregnant and tests afterwards, the Doctors could not and still can not give me an answer as to what type of infection I keep catching.
I understand Google isn’t the best idea for self diagnosis but in my opinion with the amount of faith I have in my Doctor, I think I actually trust Google more then I do him.
There is one thing which repeatedly comes up as a possible cause and that is Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
The Hospital at the time of admittance tested for any sign of an STD and as the OH and I haven’t had sex since September I know that’s not the cause.
We are due to try again in January and I can not go into it with the worry that an infection will kill any further pregnancies.
If it turns out that there is something seriously wrong then well, I will have to deal with it at the time but I am prepared. Only time will tell.
I have been getting dull aches around my pelvic area for a week and this Saturday I had some spotting. This isn’t due to being pregnant or my period looming so I know something isn’t right down there. This morning, while running to the bus stop I had a really sharp prolonged ache right in my ‘you know what’s it’, something which I’ve not had previously. I have also {like just before my waters broke} been having an ache down my right leg which stops at my knee.
I’ve been on Google this morning for a bit of self diagnosis as despite tests done at the hospital while pregnant and tests afterwards, the Doctors could not and still can not give me an answer as to what type of infection I keep catching.
I understand Google isn’t the best idea for self diagnosis but in my opinion with the amount of faith I have in my Doctor, I think I actually trust Google more then I do him.
There is one thing which repeatedly comes up as a possible cause and that is Pelvic Inflammatory Disease.
The Hospital at the time of admittance tested for any sign of an STD and as the OH and I haven’t had sex since September I know that’s not the cause.
We are due to try again in January and I can not go into it with the worry that an infection will kill any further pregnancies.
If it turns out that there is something seriously wrong then well, I will have to deal with it at the time but I am prepared. Only time will tell.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
... (3)
Feeling a little fed up today.
Bobby should have been two weeks old tomorrow.
I’m worrying far too much about friends.
I’ve put on yet more weight and have the belly of a pregnant woman.
January is just too long away.
I wish I had a magic wand.
Bobby should have been two weeks old tomorrow.
I’m worrying far too much about friends.
I’ve put on yet more weight and have the belly of a pregnant woman.
January is just too long away.
I wish I had a magic wand.
Monday, 16 November 2009
A Dedication
I have just found this journal entry dedicated to me b a fellow Angel Mummy. How can I possibly reply to this. This is why helping others, helps me.
I always think it and never say it and I am not sure if there are words to describe this lady.
My beautiful son brought me to her. After finding out I was going to lose my baby boy she was one of the first to come to me and speak to me about the feelings and emotions I was about experience. She had lost her gorgeous angel Bobby only a week before I had my angel Aston.
She told me things that I never knew I would experience, she told me things that would help me get through these things, she told me things that I would think at the end of pulling through these things and never did I think she would always be right.
When I am down she picks me up, when I cry somehow she takes my tears. I think of her and Bobby and I think of how she has coped. I think of how brave she has been and that is what I want to become. It has been 4 months and 1 week today that I lost my little man, it is a week and 2 days since he should have been here and this is the very familiar and similar situation that she has been in, with her little man going just before and being due just before.
She has been like an angel my little boy gave me, someone that experienced everything before me and made me feel better about facing future events or helping me get through them. Not only has she coped with losing Bobby she has coped with me losing Aston as she has very much been my shoulder ... and my rock!!
Today I received a parcel... (a little late) but it was for Aston's due date.
Within this parcel there was a beautiful photo frame saying ‘Little Prince’ with my favourite picture of Aston. There was an Eeyore teddy which I think I will put on Aston's grave so Bobby and him can play with it (my favourite teddy ever I have loads and she didn’t know so picked well)
A beautiful little butterfly with an ‘A’ for Aston on it and a photo album; with my sons name and weigh and time of birth on front, then full of pictures of my baby boy and poems that in a way fit with every picture. The last picture being of my tattoo saying AJC and 9/7/2009 accompanied by ‘an angel in the book of life wrote down Aston’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth!!’ We also had a card from her Steve and baby Bobby!!
Now, I am truly touched by all of this. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect anything. She is a lady from an Internet site; never did I think my baby boy had found me a truly amazing friend. A truly amazing women and a truly amazing mother!
Lucy I want to say thank you. Somehow you can make me cry and smile all at once, somehow you make me see the best in everything and somehow you are always there although miles away!! I'm glad our boys are playing together and I'm glad they helped me find you!! Bobby would be the proudest little boy of his mummy ever!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always think it and never say it and I am not sure if there are words to describe this lady.
My beautiful son brought me to her. After finding out I was going to lose my baby boy she was one of the first to come to me and speak to me about the feelings and emotions I was about experience. She had lost her gorgeous angel Bobby only a week before I had my angel Aston.
She told me things that I never knew I would experience, she told me things that would help me get through these things, she told me things that I would think at the end of pulling through these things and never did I think she would always be right.
When I am down she picks me up, when I cry somehow she takes my tears. I think of her and Bobby and I think of how she has coped. I think of how brave she has been and that is what I want to become. It has been 4 months and 1 week today that I lost my little man, it is a week and 2 days since he should have been here and this is the very familiar and similar situation that she has been in, with her little man going just before and being due just before.
She has been like an angel my little boy gave me, someone that experienced everything before me and made me feel better about facing future events or helping me get through them. Not only has she coped with losing Bobby she has coped with me losing Aston as she has very much been my shoulder ... and my rock!!
Today I received a parcel... (a little late) but it was for Aston's due date.
Within this parcel there was a beautiful photo frame saying ‘Little Prince’ with my favourite picture of Aston. There was an Eeyore teddy which I think I will put on Aston's grave so Bobby and him can play with it (my favourite teddy ever I have loads and she didn’t know so picked well)
A beautiful little butterfly with an ‘A’ for Aston on it and a photo album; with my sons name and weigh and time of birth on front, then full of pictures of my baby boy and poems that in a way fit with every picture. The last picture being of my tattoo saying AJC and 9/7/2009 accompanied by ‘an angel in the book of life wrote down Aston’s birth and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth!!’ We also had a card from her Steve and baby Bobby!!
Now, I am truly touched by all of this. I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect anything. She is a lady from an Internet site; never did I think my baby boy had found me a truly amazing friend. A truly amazing women and a truly amazing mother!
Lucy I want to say thank you. Somehow you can make me cry and smile all at once, somehow you make me see the best in everything and somehow you are always there although miles away!! I'm glad our boys are playing together and I'm glad they helped me find you!! Bobby would be the proudest little boy of his mummy ever!!!
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