Bobbys Due Day

Wednesday 4th November 2009.

The day I had built up to be something so terrible, yet its arrival turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It became a day of healing, a day of reflection, a day we spent together as a family for the first time since our Son’s birth.

Our pregnancy chapter is now over.

I finally feel free to move on and try to rebuild mine/our life back up to where it once was; maybe even better than before if we are lucky.

Bobby will always be in my head and my heart but now I am comfortable to remember him for what he is and not what he should have been. He is and always will be my precious little man who has changed not only my life but also the life of his Daddy’s and everyone who knew of him and those who were lucky enough to have met him.

He has taught me many new things and brought so many new good people but most of all he has given me the strength to remove those not so good.

We did nothing we planned to do but that was ok. We started the day with a nice lye in and we then took a trip out into town to choose a balloon and something else to place on his grave; although at this time we were not sure what. It took us ages to agree on the right balloon to buy which surprised me considering my OH wasn’t bothered about the balloon to begin with and yet he soon took it upon himself to be the one who didn’t like most of the selection as in his eyes they were not suitable. I wanted to buy a Thomas the Tank Engine one while he didn’t want a kid’s balloon for reasons which even he couldn’t explain. In the end we chose a bright multicolored balloon with hearts all over it. I then came across a single red rose made purely from feathers sitting on top of a shelf all on its lonesome. It was perfect.

The original idea was to release the balloon once we got to his grave but instead we chose to dig a small hole and place the string into the graves dirt. I then wrote a little note and placed it within the rose’ wrapping which, like the balloon, was placed into the dirt. We then proceeded to take pictures. I felt perfectly normal taking photos of us two beside his grave and of the grave itself but it wasn’t until two men walked past did I wonder if they thought it natural too, or if they were taken aback that what they were seeing.

Soon it started to rain so we made our way back to the car and drove to the MIL’s house. I wasn’t sure if she would remember the day but she had. We had a good chat and I filled her in of all that my OH hadn’t and she asked us if we were planning on trying again. We told her January 1010.

We had talked about trying again on Tuesday. My OH wants to make sure that the infection has gone completely before we go down that road and I want to make sure that we are stable enough financially and emotionally to try again. Until then, the plan is to plod along as ‘normal’, waiting for whatever comes our way next.

At least the day is done, put to sleep, laid to rest. Just like our little man and the year we shall never forget.

Twas the Night Before EDD

… and I can feel my emotions slowly starting to build. As well as tomorrow being his due date, today also happens to be 4 months to the day of which he was born.

I had a very big cry in bed last night. So big that I thought I was going to die there and then from a broken heart.

Have you ever cried so much that you can no longer breath through crying and when you do finally take a breath, your heart physically hurts? My heart hurt so much that I actually lay there thinking ‘this is it’ but of course it wasn’t. I automatically finished crying as soon as OH got into bed and I woke this morning to go to work as normal.

A friend at work bought a couple of little presents in today because she knows what tomorrow is and bless her, she wanted to cheer me up a little. She bought me a gorgeous gold and turquoise bangle and a lovely bath set from Lush.

The 60 guys and one girl I work with are fab to work with and quite a few of them know about Bobby. Most know through being nosy due to asking about my tattoo and its meaning and the odd few I have told when they have asked me if I have any children etc.

For men, they have been surprisingly supportive these past 3 months. On hearing about Bobby, one told me about his wife who had lost five of their babies through m/c and spoke about depression and how it affected him and his surviving children.

I don’t think we really give guys the credit they deserve and TBH, since losing Bobby I have found that men are actually more willing to talk to you about grief then most women are.

Before leaving work tonight I cleaned my desk, my computer screen, my desk phone and even the tannoy and the fax machine.

I phoned Mum on the way home tonight but mentioned about what day it is tomorrow. I don’t think she has forgotten, maybe she just doesn’t want to talk about it today as I know she still has a little cry sometimes too.

The OH and I are going to spend tomorrow off of work together. Our phones are going to be turned off, the front door left unanswered; just the two of us together with Bobby in mind. We plan on visiting his grave, maybe releasing a balloon and then going for a meal at the restaurant we spent our 10th anniversary at last September.

I’ve suggested to my OH that we will go visit his Mum as well and sadly I haven’t seen her since Bobby’s funeral back in July. I can’t believe it’s been that long. OH goes around there every other day while I’m at work so its not as if she’s left alone but it will be nice to spend some time with her as she took his death very hard, as did all of his Grandparents.

It still seems so surreal to think that had things worked out as planned, tomorrow we would have been first time parents to a screaming, kicking little monster with long dangly legs. Instead well, we became first time parents to an Angel instead.

RIP little man. Mummy and Daddy love you so so much and will be with you tomorrow in body and in mind. xox

To Be or Not To Be

Finally within the next 1 hour and 30 minutes it is November.

I have been dreading this month for four months now and yet surprisingly the closer it gets the easier it seems to have gotten. Today however has been tiring.

I have been thinking far too much today.

A good few of the Birth Board Ladies have had their babies in October and each little boy I see, I think of how that should have been our little boy. I have been wondering if he would have waited until his due day on the 4th or if he too would have been impatient and become an October baby.

I have also been thinking about the fourteen other little Angel babies who now share my Son’s grave and their Mummies. Were they too due in November? How did their babies come to be there? Have I ever walked past them in the street or stood behind them in a queue? While pregnant, did we ever walk past each other in the street or share a bus?

Are they now pregnant again or are they too waiting to try again because now just doesn’t seem to be the right time and yet, at the time of first falling pregnant it was the perfect time.

At that time, everything was finally coming together and yet now, everything seems to be slowly falling apart.

I want 2010 to be a new beginning for the both of us but why couldn’t we of had this one little human of whom we wanted so much instead?

Seven Days To Go

This time next week would have been our little man’s due day.

I have been asked a few times over the past couple of days how I’m feeling about it and I can answer truthfully by saying “I feel fine”.

Looking back on this past week or so I think I have finally faced and temporarily beaten the demons by finding ways to cope with him not being here in person.

By accepting that he is not and never will be here in body, I have not felt sad every day. By having his picture next to me at night time, I have not cried each and every night for some time.

During the very frequent moments of the day where I think of my Son; I talk to him silently, I ask him how he is, I tell him I hope he is having fun or I simply share a joke. Those times where I have nothing to say I picture him as a little boy playing among other Angel children. I imagine him running amok having fun, not even realising that he was originally destined for somewhere else; to be down here with me and his Daddy.

I realise the above is a fantasy but it’s a nice comfortable place to be and for that reason he will always remain that little baby boy to me. He will never age in my mind. My Son will always be my cheeky chappie who loves nothing more then to get up to mischief simply because he is free to do so.

Free is an appropriate word to use right now. It’s a fluffy cloud word. Bobby is free from the troubles of every day life down here on Earth and I am at present free of the depression, the guilt and the ‘what if’s’.

For that reason alone, it allows us to be spiritually together forever, even though physically we are so far apart.

Fourteen Days To Go

I thought I would do this journal now as I’m currently feeling good and I’m not sure how I will be feeling tomorrow; I hope that makes sense. I’m bloody tired after not taking my tablets properly.

Tomorrow (or in 20 minutes time) we would have been 38 weeks pregnant. Thirty Eight god damn weeks pregnant …

I can not wait to get this due date out of the way so I can start to count down to his 1st Angelversary. I would put a *lol* after Angelversary but deep down I know I’m not joking.

Had things been different, we would be two weeks off being first time parents. Instead however we have the tough decision of choosing which balloon to buy to release at his grave.

It was my first Slimming World weigh in last Thursday and FFS Id put on 1/2lb despite starving for most of the week. I wanted to cry there and then but got made to stay behind and go over what went wrong and what I can do to improve on next week. I waited until I got home to cry. This week I have changed my eating completely from last week and if the scales still show weight gain, then I will be running out of that door and never going back.

As it’s now dead on Fourteen days to go; off to dream nightmare land I go.

Baby Loss Awareness Day

Today is our very first Wave of Light and as yet I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

Seeing his special candle lit alongside my favourite photo and with the multiple candle lit in memory of all the other Angel babies and their parents out there brings about so many emotions.

Sadness, Reflection; 'what if's' 'should have been's' and thankfully Support.

Sleep Tight little Angels. Forever Play in Peace.