Tired

I have a strong need to type. A few things have been going around in my head over the weekend and they haven’t been helped with ‘the sadness’ making its return.

I’ve got appearing normal in public down to a tee, yet I can’t seem to control my emotions while I’m on my own. I thought joining a slimming club would take my mind off of Bobby and would give me something else to concentrate on and it did work for a couple of days, until on Sunday when he came flooding back into my thoughts.

I have no concentration at home or at work. I’m getting up late every morning; the anemia is a contributor I know that and its my own fault for not always taking the right dose every day, but when I am here, I’m doing things like this … putting my thoughts onto Word instead of doing the work that I’m paid to do. When I’m at home, I’m off in my own dream world or on the computer. I can’t be bothered with anything else.

I wake up on a weekend planning to do housework or finish off what I had started the week before, maybe see a friend, be sociable and yet before I know it, I’ve done nothing all day, seen no one and its time for bed to start the working week all over again.

I woke up at 2pm on Saturday tired. I’m constantly tired, it doesn’t matter how many hours I sleep, I am tired. I sometimes wish I could be like Sleeping Beauty. Sleep for one hundred years and wake up to find that the world has moved on and I can start all over again.

My lack of concentration has been causing a few problems between the OH and I too. I made an effort on Friday to buy a nice steak for dinner of which my OH asked if he could have an egg, mushrooms, chips and beans with, which was fine, I had no problems with that. I don’t often buy steak as we can’t really afford it, so I thought it would be a nice treat. Come Sunday, I cook the steak while also on the net which was a bad move. The steak comes out rubbery, the chips are undercooked and I forget to cook the mushrooms and egg. Infact, I don’t at the time actually remember him asking for an egg and yet now thinking about it, he did. This of course causes an argument and leads me to go to the bedroom, lying on the bed and crying my eyes out for a good two hours.

As usual I started off crying over the steak incident but then it soon became all about Bobby and ‘what should have been’. Each and every time I go through the birth in detail; the ‘silence’ of the room. It’s known a silent birth and yet there is nothing silent about it at all. It is a haunting sound which will no doubt stay with me forever.

I have decided, I don’t know when, but I have decided that I don’t want to fall pregnant any time soon. I’m not ready emotionally or physically. I can’t see myself falling pregnant with the amount of stress flowing through my veins anyway, and plus there is the small thing of having to BD in order to fall pregnant, one thing of which we are not doing. Infact, we haven’t BD for a month now and before that, it was only a couple of times over the course of two or so months.

He puts it down to stress; I put it down to feeling unattractive or too tired. I think what it comes down to is that we are both too scared. I want to make completely 100% sure that my body is ready this time. I thought it ready the last time but I was proved wrong in the worst way possible.

I have a Doctors appointment this evening to make sure that the infection has gone as the course of antibiotics ended last week. The diet is going well even though it only started on Friday. The work trousers I am currently wearing are already baggy. I admit I have been feeling hungry all weekend, but I am getting used to it now. I have had a good couple of years of abusing my body with too much alcohol and man size portions and eating when I’m not even hungry, so I can’t see how training my body to cope with the hunger for the next ten weeks will do it much harm. I want to hit my target.

Most of all, I want to feel comfortable within my own skin once more.

Empty Space of Nothingness

I’m feeling a tad confused at the moment.

In my last journal not even a week ago I typed how I was feeling back in control of my life and yet, I’ve felt nothing but sadness this past weekend. Maybe this is normal considering, but I feel like I’m starting to turn into a mild version of Stacey Slater; up one minute and down the next.

Twenty Seven days from now I would have been waiting for my boy to enter the world alive and kicking. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a little sad. It’s now imminent and there is no hiding from it.

I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night again. It started Friday night and has continued every night since. I don’t know if finally showing his picture to my best friend on Saturday and then putting his picture up on the www has triggered something inside but every time I now think of him, I can clearly see him in my arms wrapped up in his blue blanket. I wish I never had to say goodbye. 45 minutes were all we got to spend together.

The thought of him dying inside of me has also been haunting my dreams. Did he feel alone in there? Did he know anything at all? I think maybe it would have been better if he were to have died after birth but then I don’t know if I could have coped with seeing him taking his last breaths. I know how selfish this is going to read but I am glad we did not have to witness it. I am thankful that horrific part was shielded from us.

I came on my 3rd AF on Saturday which happened to be on the 3rd of the month and 3 months to the day that I gave birth. She has visited me every 3rd of the month since his birth and if this is anything to go by, it means she will be here the day before his due day. My body really knows how to punish me.

I was so desperate to fall pregnant before his due day, but now that I have run out of time I’m actually glad that I am not. I don’t think I am ready to be pregnant again; I can’t make up my mind. I know that my body most certainly isn’t. As well as still taking medication to rid this water infection, the Doctor confirmed that I have Anemia again. I’ve suffered from it at different levels for years so it wasn’t surprising and is easy to manage.

I have a strong feeling that I will not fall pregnant until my body is well and ready and until then I am determined to concentrate on coping with day to day life and getting my body back into shape. As well as every day life, there is of course the EDD and Christmas to get past too.

I hope 2010 is the year we finally have the chance to become an Earth family although I’m not holding out much hope.

A Change In Direction

It’s been over a week since I last wrote anything down and I’m taking that as a good sign. I only tend to write if something is bothering me, or if there are things I need to get out of my head in order to make room for other soon-to-be niggles.

I can not pin point the exact moment this happened but I feel like I am slowly getting back in control of my life again. At this moment in time I no longer feel as though the world is out to get me, or that my life is going no where because I am no longer pregnant nor that I do not have my baby alive in my arms. This is a very good but at the same time very strange feeling. Good, because I can now look towards the future, strange I guess because I was getting used to being the one whose baby died and having a routine as to when I would cry or get upset about things. It’s not nice not being in control of your own mind nor emotions.

I still cry most nights, but it’s only when I picture our first and last meeting. I imagine him back in my arms and his surprising heaviness for such a young baby. I guess getting to the stage where I can think of him and smile is a way off but I don’t mind waiting.

I went to the Doctors a couple of weeks back to ask them to test me for any infection and they did so by testing both my blood and my urine. Annoyingly the urine sample shows that I still have an infection so I am currently on a course of antibiotics which will hopefully get rid of this nasty thing once and for all.

My Doctors received my blood results back on Wednesday but when I called to ask them for the results, the receptionist explained that I needed to speak to the Doctor as one of the bottles has come back with something. The Doctor however isn’t around to talk to me until next Monday. I’m expecting it to be Anemia as this is something of which I have suffered from on and off for many years and have to regularly take Iron tablets for. No problems there. If it’s not Anemia then I’m thinking it may be Diabetes as that was one of the other things they tested for and it runs strongly in our family. I can only wait and see what the Doctor says on Monday.

In the mean time, I have the whole weekend to myself as the OH is away fishing. He leaves this afternoon and comes back on Sunday and I’m really really looking forward to having the house to myself. I’m looking forward to watching what I want on TV, to being on the internet for as long as I like without being disturbed, eating crap, drinking lots of Diet Coke, sleeping a hell of a lot and I may even go as far as to not getting dressed for one whole day; I doubt I could get away with that but I will give it a damn good try. One thing I will be doing for sure though is to visit my little man’s grave.

Speaking of which, it is now Thirty Three days until what would have been our due day; 4th November. I have booked work off that day, as it’s on a Wednesday and on Tuesday this week I reminded my OH. I had wanted to talk to him for a while about it but something had been stopping me from doing so.

We have both agreed to go out somewhere for the day and release a balloon. I explained the theory behind writing a message on the balloon and sending up to heaven, but because he is a man he went ahead and explained the physics in this not being physically possible! He has suggested sending the balloon off over the sea while I would rather we send it off over his grave; I guess we could do both if we really wanted.

Until that day arrives though, I can not predict how I will feel or confirm what will happen in regards to the balloon but it’s just another thing we will deal with when it eventually arrives.

Realisation

I went to the first session of counseling this afternoon and I can honestly say, don’t think I will be going back.

I’m not sure what I was expecting from it TBH, maybe I was hoping that by talking to her it would take the pain away or even bring him back. Stupid I know but you live in hope.

I sat there for an hour either talking rubbish or not being able to talk through the tears and snot, and then not being able to say what I wanted to say through the fear of crying again and not being able to stop. If it wasn’t the tears, snot or fear of speaking; we were sitting in silence and there is nothing that a hate more than awkward silences with strangers.

I did however walk away finally realising that no matter how much I talk about him or who I talk to him too; no matter how many memorial sites I set up for him or however many tears I shed for him, it will never bring him back. My little man is gone and there is nothing myself or anyone else can do about it.

I already know that as the years go by he will always remain a baby. Dying so young has somehow turned him into a ‘Peter Pan’ figure in my mind. He will always be my ‘what should have been boy’.

Crazy as this sounds; I worked out today that he would be turning 18 in 2027 and now all I can think about is that when that day comes, will I think of him as a young man or as a baby? Will I go out and buy him a grown up present or a soft toy still? Will the pain hurt just as much then as it does now?

What has hit me the most is that he will never get the chance to go to school; he will never go on to fall in love and get married, all the little things which Earth parents take for granted every day.

Being inside my body is all that he will ever know.

The pain of missing my Angel is currently worse than that of death itself.

Forty Four Days

In forty four days time I should have been getting prepared to become a proper Mummy to a living baby. Instead as the days go on I am getting ever more stressed that my OH, despite it being his idea to pin point my most fertile days, isn't wanting to BD. It feels like he is keeping me from becoming the Mummy of which I so want to be.

I'm also finding that I'm coming onto the wwww less and less. I think it is because as the days go on I am finding it more easier to deal with Bobby's death and I am therefore not getting what I need out of it anymore.

I do know that I am stuck in no-mans-land. I'm not pregnant and yet I am a Mummy to a baby of which I can not hold, feed, change, nor play with. The majority of the posts I now read on my old Birth Board I no longer feel a connection with despite that site being my saving grace during my pregnancy and during/after his death. I instead find myself reading the same sad posts about m/c's or BFP's and my emotions go from one extreme to the other. In all honesty I feel quite lonely within this giant world.

I have my first counselling session this Thursday. I know there is a lot of bottled up emotion deep down inside so I'm expecting to shed a few tears but as I’ve never been good at letting go, I wonder how long it will take to all come out.

All I want is what thousands of women every day achieve without even thinking of trying; a family to call my own. Why is that so hard?

Reading (2)

Yes another. This is my way of finding answers maybe?

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For this reading I used both the Major and Minor Arcana, in a Celtic Cross spread.

This reading had a very clear theme running through it. I hope you like your reading and you get something out of it and it makes some sense to you. Ok here is what happened in your reading;

The first card represents what is present.
I drew the Wheel of Fortune. This card represents cycles. Our lives are a forever turning wheel of happy/ prosperous times, moving into times of sadness and less favourable circumstances. This card is here to give you a reminder that although life can be horrific it will not stay that way forever. The card represents change and that change is here. This card also reminds us how we respond to the change is important as to whether you move forward or get stuck in a negative place, searching for answers that will keep you locked there. As I said the wheel in all our lives turns whether we want it to or not. We make our own future and we can only do that when we are willing to move from one part of the cycle to the next.

The second cared represents the difficulties you face.
I drew the Knight of Pentangles. This card shows worries of a material nature. Whether this be money or possessions. As the card is drawn here in the reading this suggests a time of hard work is needed to achieve your goal. This card shows me you are more than capable of success, and these difficulties will be short lived.

The third card represents what is up most in you mind.
The card drawn was King of Wands. This card shows me you are thinking a lot about something exciting and can’t wait to get started on it. The card represents inspiration and optimism for your new project. The card suggests success as the king of wands is not a person to give up, however when you have achieved what you set out to do you will be satisfied and then quickly move onto the new. He represents a person who doesn’t sit and appreciate his work, but moves on to the next thing on his list if that makes sense. 

The fourth card represents what is moving out of your life.
The Knave of pentangles. The Knave cards do not hold a particular meaning, but rather an essence of meaning. They do however strongly reflect potential. OK the suit represents perseverance and determination. As the card was drawn at this point I feel it would mean the time of difficulty (card 2) is now ending as you have worked hard. As I stated before the time of difficulties would be short lived and this card again suggests this.

The fifth card represents what is behind you. (recent past)
The 6 of Pentangles. This shows a time of kindness from others. The number 6 means harmony and balance, warmth and security. I feel that is what the loving action of those around you have brought into your life. You have been surrounded by such good energy from those who know you and those who don’t. This card reminds us to remember the kindness of others and when others are in times of need give back a little of what you received. Also to remember those actions when you feel you are alone. I feel this is something to carry with you as you live your life, it will help you and others alike.

The sixth card represents what is before you. (immediate future)
The 3 of Wands. The number 3 represents growth and movement. The number is also linked to the start of new projects. I feel this is linked with the exciting project I talked of before. The card marks completion of the first phase. Now to the suit…. The wands signify Again completion of that first phase, bringing with it satisfaction. The card also tells of a need to do more though, this will be to carry on with your project successfully. This is a positive card as it states you will get what you want, just keep going. 

The seventh card represents where you will find yourself (near future)
The 7 of swords. Firstly the number 7 is the number of wisdom, expansion and reflection. This shows there will be a time you find yourself thinking a lot, about what has been and what is yet to come. This will be quiet thinking that you will not broadcast to others around, but sort of a private personal time of thought. The Swords represent again thinking inwards. This also warns not to become aggressive to those around you or act hostile. I think your time of reflection will be to work out your issues in a way that you can talk about them without snapping.

The eighth card represents How other see you.
Justice. This shows you to be a very balanced person generally. You have lots of good qualities that others can see quite plainly. This also suggests you can balance your emotions well, of course the balance gets tipped at times but that happens with everyone, you should remember your not superwoman lol. People will see you as someone who they can turn to easily as you are not rash with judgement. 

The ninth card represents Hopes and fears.
The 10 of cups. The 10 represents an end to a cycle just before a new one begins. The suit cups represents again reward after effort and hard work. As this card was drawn here I would be inclined to say its this that both worries and excites you. As in your not afraid to do the work its just the outcome that you are both excited yet terrified of. I feel you are in constant argument with yourself, getting excited over the outcome but then smashing it down again with worries and negatives. The only thing I can really say here is, because of this reading and all its favourable outcomes to matters that needed work. I feel you are worrying unnecessarily. As I said before it will happen you just need some faith and support to calm down all those negatives. Easier said than done I know. 

The tenth card represents Outcome.
This was the final card to be revealed, I drew The 9 of swords. LOL! Sorry this last card has made me smile and giggle. I love how the tarot will do this!! Ok… The number 9 the number of resurrection and gathering things together before completion. The Swords. Thoughts of impending doom are NOT realised. Fears and doubts are much worse than the true situation. So as I was saying above Lol. This card is again urging you to have faith! Things are set to being favourable. You are in a good phase of your present cycle to realise those goals you have, and you are holding yourself back in a way. As I also said its so easy sat on the outside saying “come on girl you can do it!” when its not actually me facing the doubts and other conflicting emotions. I just really do hope you get what you want and can move forward.

END OF READING.

I hope you have enjoyed your reading and can relate to what the cards have told me. It was a pleasure reading for you and hope there is something of use to you in there. Thanks again for volunteerin.