17th September
This is a long post so you might want to make yourself a cup of tea and grab a pack or two of biscuits.
Firstly she asked me to shuffle half a pack of cards and to separate them into three piles. I then had to do the same with the other half and then put them into one pile.
As well as the cards, she also asked me to pick out three ribbons from a pack and to hold onto them all the way through the reading.
She started the reading by saying that the cards showed I had gone through a lot of crap recently; her words not mine. The majority of my cards were past cards, which meant that I was currently stuck in the past and finding it hard to move on. She could sense a feeling of sadness around me.
The two strongest cards I had chosen where:
• From the past – the Tower which signifies that a major event has happened but it was paired with the Strength card – she said I am a strong woman.
• From the future - the Escape card with the number 3. She said that I will eventually walk away from a relationship which will lead to my freedom
Emotions:
• She said that I am currently very low and so is my self esteem. She said that I feel that I have been let down by those around me who should have known better and that I am sad because I have failed in something of which I shouldn’t have.
• She said that I am currently going through a stage of self discovery. I am trying to find the true me. I am going through some kind of healing and that while doing this I am also helping to heal others. She said that she can see me going away somewhere to ‘find myself’, which will work at the time but when I arrive back it will disappear.
• She said that I have just come out of a black cycle but the future is good and there will be a lot of change to happen. She kept coming back to me walking away and finding my freedom.
Career:
• She mentioned that I have either just come out of a Financial job or that I am going into one.
• She said that in January I will know for sure where my career is heading but I have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to my career. She said that now is the time to concentrate on my current skills and use them to my advantage.
• She mentioned that I have thought about going down the path of a councilor or something which will heal others.
• The name Keith is very important to my career.
Relationships/Babies:
• She said that my current partner plays his cards very close to his chest and that I often walk on egg shells round him. She said that she could sense deceit between the two of us and a lack of communication. She said that he doesn’t always tell me everything.
• She mentioned that I have troubles with my cycle and that I am worried that this will affect any pregnancies but this is nothing to be worrying about.
• She said that she sees boys in my future. I will have either a son or twin boys within the next 12-14 months BUT she can not guarantee that that will be with my current partner.
• She then asked me if I had ever thought about leaving my current partner as the Escape card was very dominant.
• She said that I will also receive a proposal in 7 months or 7 years. The number 7 was important.
Misc:
• She said that she can see a woman called June and the month of Aug.
• I have two strong Leo’s in my life. One a women who is currently a good guide for me and the other is a man who will either be prominent in my career or he will be my next partner.
• I will be moving again in May apparently.
• I am to be aware of a Sagittarius woman and now is a good time to realise who is good and who isn’t around me.
• She also mentioned that someone I know who is overseas will send me some shocking news.
From the ribbons I chose:
• Red signifies Strength
• Purple signifies Spiritual
• Silver is a typical Cancerian colour
She mentioned my Granddad on my Dad’s side in the spirit world although he is alive but she did say that from the ribbons she could pick up a lot of Spirit activity.
Overall she was 98% correct in everything she said and those who know me well, who I have told have also agreed. Here is looking forward to a better future!
Friday, 18 September 2009
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Guilt
At the time of Bobby’s death the following seemed the best thing to do however now, looking back and hearing what other Angel Mummy’s did, I would like to change some things please.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
*I would like to change the fact that we didn’t want to see him when he was born. I was scared as hell of what he would look like but now I feel guilty as hell that we did not have that time together or got to have our photo taken as a family. I know it was our way of coping but it doesn’t help. Looking back I feel as though I pushed him away when I should have held him and kept him in our room for the night, instead he was made to spend it in a cold morgue all by himself.
*I would like the change the fact that there were no photos of him taken at the hospital. I see photos of parents holding their Angels looking so loved and warm and yet we didn’t hold him at all. The two photos which we do have of him were taken by the hospital and he is laying there all by himself. I wish I had just one photo of the three of us together, in our arms where he belongs.
*I would like to change the fact that his Daddy did not visit him. I hope that Bobby understands why and forgives his Daddy for not visiting him once. I know it is his way of coping, but it doesn’t stop me wishing he had. I also hope that my OH doesn’t go on to regret it.
I would like to change the fact that I feel guilty for recently feeling like I have turned a slight corner. I haven’t cried every day for a while and that scares me somewhat. I have done everything I can not to forget him – set up this blog, his gone-too-soon page and I talk about him everyday to anyone who will listen – but not crying to me says that I do not miss him, when really I do. I miss him every single moment of every single day, more then I can express in words.
Monday, 14 September 2009
The Next Step?
Well I have finally done it.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
I have put a call through to the Women’s Health Councilor about booking a session.
It’s a shame she is on holiday this week (typical) but at least I have taken the step and made the call.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and I finally came to the conclusion that I do need to speak to a professional. I’m not sure how or even if it will help as nothing will bring him back but I am now finding that even though the good days are becoming more frequent, the bad days – although becoming less – are very bad when ‘the sadness’ arrives. They are most certainly not healthy days.
Only time will tell.
Friday, 11 September 2009
How Are You?
This is an open ended question of which I get asked daily.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
My response 99.9% of the time is; “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” when in reality it couldn’t be further from the truth.
I wish we lived in a world where we were not scared of upsetting people by telling them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If there was such a world I would be able to openly respond with the following:
“I’m dreading November. It’s coming so quickly. I want to sleep all through Christmas too”
“I’m jealous of any pregnant woman I see. Friends. Strangers. This makes me feel like a b * tch as I know it is not their fault what happened to us”
“I feel guilty that I have let so many people down as so many people were looking forward to his arrival”
“I’m worried that it will take just as long to fall pregnant again as it did this time. When I do get pregnant, I’m scared that it will happen again and because of this, I have been striped of my right to enjoy any future pregnancy”
“I feel impatient as I want my Son’s grave to be covered over properly so I can go and make it pretty and personalise it”
“I do not like nor do I recognise the person I have become. I miss the old me. I miss having the energy or the mind frame to go out and socialise. I miss the compassion I once had when friends would come to me with their problems as they now seem so small compared to losing my child. I miss the sociable, flirty, carefree Lucy who used to be the clown of the group”
“I miss the innocence of the OH and I’s relationship”
“I miss the naivety of the horrors of pregnancy”
“I miss being ‘normal’”
I realise the entire above are negatives but as I’m sure every Angel Mummy knows that you battle against a mixture of emotions every single day. Some good, many bad, but there comes a point when you must realise that you either let the darkness keep you down or you try your damned hardest to search for some sort of light and put every ounce of your energy into finding some strength to carry on with your ~ now half ~ life.
This is the first week since Bobby’s death that I have been able to do a little of the above. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been dancing on tables nor have I gone through a day where he hasn’t been in my thoughts but this week has been one of the better weeks.
Despite the above “How I’m Really Feeling” quotes I have been thinking a lot about what I have learnt and what ‘good’ I have gotten from this; as random as that statement reads back.
One day when the time is right, I hope that the next time I am asked “How Are You?” I will forget the bad answers and I will automatically respond with one of the following:
“I AM good thanks. I am proud to call myself an Angel Mummy. My Son, through gaining his Angel Wings has become even more special, not only to me but also to those out there who did not even get to meet him. His death has made an impact on people. Because of this my little boy will live forever in the minds of others”
“I have got rid of the garbage in my life. The friends I have now are my true friends. I am closer to my family then ever. There is no better support I could wish for than the support I have now”
“I am now used to crying myself to sleep each night but at the same time I am proud of myself when I don’t shed a tear during the day”
“I have met some of the bravest, strongest, loveliest women this planet has to offer. I have lost my Son yes, but there are women out there who have lost not one but many children. There are also women out there who had to watch their babies fall asleep in their arms”
“There are women out there who now are unable to go on to have an Earth baby which makes me one of the lucky ones, and yet despite their pain they are still there to listen and give advice to women like me”
For them and the amazing support I am getting, I am truly thankful.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Cant Cope Anymore
As it’s now only 57 days until what would have been Bobby's due date I am becoming increasingly upset with every visit to baby forum I am a part of.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
I have already taken the 4th November off of work as I know I will be in a state but I have also decided that I will avoid that forum altogether come November.
There are many of the girls from my old Birth Board on my friends list on FB which is going to be hard enough to deal with looking at their newborns photos and reading their status updates, so I can only imagine what it will be like seeing over a thousand BA’s and every time thinking 'this should have been us'.
I know this sounds selfish and I do wish all the girls well but I’m currently finding the days harder and harder to cope with since Bobby's death, and as the time draws nearer it gets harder and harder. I want nothing more than to get it over and done with. I want November to be gone. I want what would have been our first Christmas to be gone. I want 2010 to bring us the family that we have tried for so long to achieve.
I don’t wish to appear selfish but I feel like I am being tortured with every visit to either site; the stupid thing is, is that it is me who is torturing myself.
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
This Time Today ...
2 Months Ago: Bobby became an Angel.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
11 years ago: The OH and I got together.
We should be excited that in 62 days/8 weeks from now: We should have a newborn Son.
Instead we have a grave to visit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
